[The dead pharaoh has not come around to hugs entirely, not casually, not all the time, but...sometimes, your not-aunt pulls you into a hug and it quiets the madness that's been buzzing in your brain for as long as you can remember, and sometimes, your friend just throws a tail over your lap while you talk together on the beach and doesn't move it, and sometimes, you hold a cat tight to your chest to keep the loneliness inside you away, and they're nice, right? They do things to your brain and your heart that feel nice.
And he doesn't deserve it, does he? He does not deserve to be held and supported, after...!]
I'll keep looking.
[That's a promise, because all he can do is promise, right? Promise and keep trying?
His hands tighten in the fabric they're gripping.]
I should have found a way to stop it before it came to that.
[He'd tried, but...but his friends had still been hurt. He feels like he should have been able to control it, bring it back, hold it still at least. There had to be a way, had to be a solution, and he hadn't found it, which means he lost!
No, he can't. He can't accept this. He lets go, pulls back, pulls away, because if it's not enough that Ryou gave him a peaceful death he'd had no right to, it's definitely too much to get to feel better because of this Very Complicated Other Guy deciding to hijack your feeling-better brain chemicals without permission. He angles his body away, addressing the other monster half over his shoulder.]
I should have--left things alone, I could've avoided all of this if I'd been less careless--!
[He says "less careless." He means, "psychically known that two parasite events in four months wasn't particularly unlikely and that his habit of going places alone and investigating an animal he's attached to would lead to infestation."
Someone's got to understand that, right? People keep saying "it's not your fault" and "I don't blame you" and "we understand," but they're wrong, and surely, surely this guy will recognize that all this only happened because the pharaoh hadn't made the right play a week ago, hadn't figured out a way to twist the rules in his favor in time, had failed! And people were terribly hurt in ways he can't remedy!
Please, like, blame him. At least a little bit.
Because, while it's good that his friends aren't mad at him, the alternative to blame is there are things in Ryslig you can't predict, control, or win against, and, uh, that's way too terrifying to think about. He's rejecting it out of hand.]
no subject
And he doesn't deserve it, does he? He does not deserve to be held and supported, after...!]
I'll keep looking.
[That's a promise, because all he can do is promise, right? Promise and keep trying?
His hands tighten in the fabric they're gripping.]
I should have found a way to stop it before it came to that.
[He'd tried, but...but his friends had still been hurt. He feels like he should have been able to control it, bring it back, hold it still at least. There had to be a way, had to be a solution, and he hadn't found it, which means he lost!
No, he can't. He can't accept this. He lets go, pulls back, pulls away, because if it's not enough that Ryou gave him a peaceful death he'd had no right to, it's definitely too much to get to feel better because of this Very Complicated Other Guy deciding to hijack your feeling-better brain chemicals without permission. He angles his body away, addressing the other monster half over his shoulder.]
I should have--left things alone, I could've avoided all of this if I'd been less careless--!
[He says "less careless." He means, "psychically known that two parasite events in four months wasn't particularly unlikely and that his habit of going places alone and investigating an animal he's attached to would lead to infestation."
Someone's got to understand that, right? People keep saying "it's not your fault" and "I don't blame you" and "we understand," but they're wrong, and surely, surely this guy will recognize that all this only happened because the pharaoh hadn't made the right play a week ago, hadn't figured out a way to twist the rules in his favor in time, had failed! And people were terribly hurt in ways he can't remedy!
Please, like, blame him. At least a little bit.
Because, while it's good that his friends aren't mad at him, the alternative to blame is there are things in Ryslig you can't predict, control, or win against, and, uh, that's way too terrifying to think about. He's rejecting it out of hand.]