That's really what you think it was...? That I was pretending not to have a problem with death...because I wasn't being selfish enough.
[Something about that doesn't sit right with him. Ryou hears everything else Atem says, and well, some of it, to him, makes sense. It's things he's heard from others, but hasn't taken on board because clearly they can't understand. Obviously they don't get the relationship that Ryou has with Atem.
But hearing Atem say it? It makes his feathers start to puff up, the glow of his eyes and halo becoming close to unbearable.]
Very well. You want me to be selfish, then? Let me tell you why I kept that pain inside.
[He stands, though not at his full height. His halo and horns prevent it in here, even with their high ceilings in other living spaces.]
I won't lie, and say that you aren't right about me needing other people to depend on. You are right. Except no one around me is scared of death, are they? You, Mukuro, Horatio, it's just a part of your lives. You accept it. Mukuro...h-haha.
Mukuro even agreed to kill me if I went out of control and started hurting other monsters again. Without a blink. I'm sure my spirit feels the same, really. So then who was I to tell, that death hurt, in a way I've never felt before?
You?
Of course not. How could I talk to you about how much it terrified me, when the last couple of argument we had, it wasn't important. When you sacrificed your last free life to get away from AM, and then came home to me, explaining it as if it was nothing, it set a precedent. One which was underlined by you reminding me that your deaths have been far more difficult. You woke up in the sea...you die every time you switch back to being a vampire. You've been hurt in ways that are horrifying and terrible, and you don't fall apart because of death, but because of the horrors preceding it.
So now, you tell me which person I could have told that death frightens me, and that I stay inside like a coward because I'm constantly afraid of the other shoe dropping, after I saw so many people hating me. It's not just their opinions, it's their threats.
[Ryou is dangerously close to causing property destruction, but his voice isn't raised. He's actually very quiet as he explains all of this, and tries to keep himself in check. None of what he's saying is because he's a nephilim--he's not that kind of nephilim. And Atem's smart not to lie to him, because Ryou wouldn't be able to bear it. But he's still so, so upset.]
no subject
[Something about that doesn't sit right with him. Ryou hears everything else Atem says, and well, some of it, to him, makes sense. It's things he's heard from others, but hasn't taken on board because clearly they can't understand. Obviously they don't get the relationship that Ryou has with Atem.
But hearing Atem say it? It makes his feathers start to puff up, the glow of his eyes and halo becoming close to unbearable.]
Very well. You want me to be selfish, then? Let me tell you why I kept that pain inside.
[He stands, though not at his full height. His halo and horns prevent it in here, even with their high ceilings in other living spaces.]
I won't lie, and say that you aren't right about me needing other people to depend on. You are right. Except no one around me is scared of death, are they? You, Mukuro, Horatio, it's just a part of your lives. You accept it. Mukuro...h-haha.
Mukuro even agreed to kill me if I went out of control and started hurting other monsters again. Without a blink. I'm sure my spirit feels the same, really. So then who was I to tell, that death hurt, in a way I've never felt before?
You?
Of course not. How could I talk to you about how much it terrified me, when the last couple of argument we had, it wasn't important. When you sacrificed your last free life to get away from AM, and then came home to me, explaining it as if it was nothing, it set a precedent. One which was underlined by you reminding me that your deaths have been far more difficult. You woke up in the sea...you die every time you switch back to being a vampire. You've been hurt in ways that are horrifying and terrible, and you don't fall apart because of death, but because of the horrors preceding it.
So now, you tell me which person I could have told that death frightens me, and that I stay inside like a coward because I'm constantly afraid of the other shoe dropping, after I saw so many people hating me. It's not just their opinions, it's their threats.
[Ryou is dangerously close to causing property destruction, but his voice isn't raised. He's actually very quiet as he explains all of this, and tries to keep himself in check. None of what he's saying is because he's a nephilim--he's not that kind of nephilim. And Atem's smart not to lie to him, because Ryou wouldn't be able to bear it. But he's still so, so upset.]
Is that selfish enough for you?