[Ryou shakes his head softly, then covers his face with a semi-scaled hand. It's not that Atem's got it entirely wrong, is it? Ryou is the kind of guy who prefers to take the path of least resistance, and he's also the kind of guy who doubts himself.
It's only natural that Atem would catch on to it, in some manner.]
[He doesn't say it unkindly, but there's a hint of exasperation in his voice. He'll get to it...after all, Atem wanted to know about October, right?]
You're right about me doubting myself all the time, but...I can't take full responsibility for it, for two reasons, and they may not be the reasons you're expecting. And you can be angry at me for that, or think that it's wrong to feel that way, but something I've learned while I was alone in this apartment for a while, in between visits, where all I could think to do was eat cake or brownies or cookies, whatever I decided to make until I didn't feel so great later...is that I can't do everything to your standards.
[He gazes at Atem while saying all this, but breaks eye contact afterwards, just in case that he's that kind of naga. It probably makes him look uncertain, but he's just being thoughtful and trying not to petrify Atem. Ryou, however, has never felt quite so certain of something in his life.]
I tried though.
Around October, you were very upset and not yourself, because you thought that what Tage and her cultists were going to do would ultimately lead to mass sacrifice. I don't know if you remember, but to me, you looked so scared, so unsure, that it...it made me want to protect you and give you some security back. Plus, we argued around then too, didn't we?
[He smiles, but it's not a fond one. It looks painful to remember.]
We argued, because you didn't think I was approaching rehydrating myself right, and you were insistent about it. And when I got upset and told you to leave my body alone next time, because it had been so painful to regrow my head without my skin's elasticity...you saw fit to remind me, however unintentionally inflammatory it was, that you've revived in the sea, far away from your death site.
...It's my fault, you know? If I'd just kept telling you why what you did hurt me, or explained myself better, maybe then we would have been better off. But I figured I was just upset because I was dehydrated and aching, and you didn't need that. Not when you'd tried to make my revival painless. Not succeeding didn't mean that you deserved to be yelled at.
So I dropped it. I apologized to you for yelling, and I accepted that your advice was far better than anything I could have done for myself, because you were quite insistent about the clinic. And then, in November, you went against my wishes to fight AM, and you killed yourself which was quite upsetting! But...you didn't think so. To you, it was the best move. And I accepted that too. I contented myself with the fact that you had come back to me after that, and I came to the conclusion...that the only way I could help you was by being supportive, because if I'm not, then I'm manipulating you, like I did by telling you that you shouldn't fight AM on my behalf and hoping that would be enough.
[Ryou explains this all without a single uncertain stammer. He's been alone for two weeks, over 300 hours, with no sleep. Suffice it to say, he's had time to think about this. Both a curse and a boon, being a nephilim.]
I'm glad you want to support me...but there were times where I didn't feel supported, and I left it alone because I want you to be your whole self, Atem. When you're not confident, you frighten me, because I'm afraid you might go somewhere I can't pull you from, and that I might lose you. I know now that's not true, and that it was unfair to you in a way. But I...I never meant to let myself do this kind of thing to you either. To make you my keeper, instead of my boyfriend. I'm so, so sorry for it, I truly am...because when things kept happening, that's what I needed, because I was...I was responsible for my own death just as much as he was, but I didn't want to keep my faith. I just wanted to do whatever you thought right, except attack him.
[After saying that, after realizing how much it hurt to say it, Ryou drops his head into his crossed arms, and doesn't look up for a while. His coils shift, curling tighter under him, and he feels as if he might be ill.
Atem has every right to walk out that door again. And he might.]
cw; suicide
[Ryou shakes his head softly, then covers his face with a semi-scaled hand. It's not that Atem's got it entirely wrong, is it? Ryou is the kind of guy who prefers to take the path of least resistance, and he's also the kind of guy who doubts himself.
It's only natural that Atem would catch on to it, in some manner.]
You're right...aren't you? You're always right, Atem. except when you're not.
[He doesn't say it unkindly, but there's a hint of exasperation in his voice. He'll get to it...after all, Atem wanted to know about October, right?]
You're right about me doubting myself all the time, but...I can't take full responsibility for it, for two reasons, and they may not be the reasons you're expecting. And you can be angry at me for that, or think that it's wrong to feel that way, but something I've learned while I was alone in this apartment for a while, in between visits, where all I could think to do was eat cake or brownies or cookies, whatever I decided to make until I didn't feel so great later...is that I can't do everything to your standards.
[He gazes at Atem while saying all this, but breaks eye contact afterwards, just in case that he's that kind of naga. It probably makes him look uncertain, but he's just being thoughtful and trying not to petrify Atem. Ryou, however, has never felt quite so certain of something in his life.]
I tried though.
Around October, you were very upset and not yourself, because you thought that what Tage and her cultists were going to do would ultimately lead to mass sacrifice. I don't know if you remember, but to me, you looked so scared, so unsure, that it...it made me want to protect you and give you some security back. Plus, we argued around then too, didn't we?
[He smiles, but it's not a fond one. It looks painful to remember.]
We argued, because you didn't think I was approaching rehydrating myself right, and you were insistent about it. And when I got upset and told you to leave my body alone next time, because it had been so painful to regrow my head without my skin's elasticity...you saw fit to remind me, however unintentionally inflammatory it was, that you've revived in the sea, far away from your death site.
...It's my fault, you know? If I'd just kept telling you why what you did hurt me, or explained myself better, maybe then we would have been better off. But I figured I was just upset because I was dehydrated and aching, and you didn't need that. Not when you'd tried to make my revival painless. Not succeeding didn't mean that you deserved to be yelled at.
So I dropped it. I apologized to you for yelling, and I accepted that your advice was far better than anything I could have done for myself, because you were quite insistent about the clinic. And then, in November, you went against my wishes to fight AM, and you killed yourself which was quite upsetting! But...you didn't think so. To you, it was the best move. And I accepted that too. I contented myself with the fact that you had come back to me after that, and I came to the conclusion...that the only way I could help you was by being supportive, because if I'm not, then I'm manipulating you, like I did by telling you that you shouldn't fight AM on my behalf and hoping that would be enough.
[Ryou explains this all without a single uncertain stammer. He's been alone for two weeks, over 300 hours, with no sleep. Suffice it to say, he's had time to think about this. Both a curse and a boon, being a nephilim.]
I'm glad you want to support me...but there were times where I didn't feel supported, and I left it alone because I want you to be your whole self, Atem. When you're not confident, you frighten me, because I'm afraid you might go somewhere I can't pull you from, and that I might lose you. I know now that's not true, and that it was unfair to you in a way. But I...I never meant to let myself do this kind of thing to you either. To make you my keeper, instead of my boyfriend. I'm so, so sorry for it, I truly am...because when things kept happening, that's what I needed, because I was...I was responsible for my own death just as much as he was, but I didn't want to keep my faith. I just wanted to do whatever you thought right, except attack him.
[After saying that, after realizing how much it hurt to say it, Ryou drops his head into his crossed arms, and doesn't look up for a while. His coils shift, curling tighter under him, and he feels as if he might be ill.
Atem has every right to walk out that door again. And he might.]