[Atem sits, and listens. He doesn't interrupt. He needs to know what's going on in Ryou's mind -- I can't do everything to your standards -- of course Ryou can't, Atem's not expecting it, why is Ryou expecting that...?
And he gets his answer. Because Atem had made a call, regarding dealing with Ryou's dead body, that had been wrong. Always right, except when he's not. His ears press flat...he'd been very wrapped up in his own feelings at the time, after a week of holding a vigil over his boyfriend's headless body, and he hadn't thought of how what he was saying would have hurt Ryou...he sees, now, that it did. That he'd shaken Ryou's confidence without meaning to...that's his fault. Has it really been informing how Ryou acts, all this time? He'd had no idea...
Atem had made the mistake, there.
And, the rest...he takes a quiet few seconds to parse it, to make sense of it in his head. Atem had gone against Ryou's wishes to fight AM -- twice. The first time was under nephilim-influence, and the second was that fiery musical event. In both cases, he wasn't in his right mind...but, it does bring up one of Atem's sore points, which is how miserable he's been when he's felt restricted from fighting back. Ryou didn't mean to become someone Atem had to take care of, but he did...and, somehow, there were still times when he didn't feel supported, even when Atem was willing to throw his friendships and good name and principles in the fire to get himself and Ryou (and Maya, and Mukuro, and the Ring-Spirit) the power to protect themselves.
It's a mess.]
...I'm sorry, for how I acted when you came back, in October.
[It's a sincere apology. Real. No qualifiers.]
I didn't treat you with the understanding you deserved, when you came back so painfully. It was the first time we'd fought, and the mistake was mine...I didn't know how to handle making the wrong call, then, especially when it had hurt the person I cared about most in the world. I'd hurt you, and that was hard to accept -- that I'd hurt you, in a way I could have avoided. I wanted to undo the damage I had done, which was why I was so insistent on the clinic...it was because of how I felt, not because you were doing anything wrong.
[His own eyes, solid-red, gaze at one of Ryou's lower coils.]
I hope I'm better at facing my own mistakes, now. Now that I've made a lot more. But you deserved that apology a long time ago...another way I didn't realize I'd hurt you.
[For Atem, at least, scales in his mind start to tip towards something more even. That apology was owed; it's been given. He's acknowledged that Ryou was hurt by it, and that he understands, and that he'll do his best not to make the mistake again.]
I don't want you to do everything to my standards. Maybe I didn't understand that, last October, because I wanted to help you through Ryslig in the way I thought would spare you the most pain. Because I don't want you to go somewhere I can't pull you back from. Both our luck here is bad...you and I attract trouble. I didn't realize that, in trying to keep you, I was stifling you, and making you think you weren't up to my standards, because you weren't making the choices I would have...not until the damage was done.
[But they have another problem to work through, don't they...?]
Before I go on, I want you to know that you were not responsible for your own death, when you tried to protect me. You didn't ask to die. It was his actions that caused it, not yours, and you were brave to fight him for me.
But...Ryou, [he says, looking up, and there's pain in his expression.] I tried not fighting him because you asked me not to, and it's been like swallowing poison. I would have listened to you, because I didn't listen to you about AM and it made you feel betrayed and hurt, and because you deserved to have your wishes respected. Attacking him would have come with its own consequences, and there's no way to say, now, if they'd have been worse than this, but...I've had to live every day feeling like the kind of person who does nothing when his boyfriend is hurt and killed -- and who won't avenge himself, either. I did everything I could think of to find a way to live with it -- getting power for me, power for you, so that you could be less frightened, ensuring it wouldn't, couldn't happen again -- but it wasn't enough. I can't let go of the hate I feel! There will always be a part of me that's angry on my behalf, and your behalf.
[And for the Ring-Spirit, but Atem doesn't know if Ryou know that the Ring-Spirit struck out for them. Ryou might catch that there's something Atem's not saying -- a name he's not including out loud, but is in his heart -- but he moves on, not dwelling on it.]
I don't know how to solve it. I know you wanted to shield me from his retribution, but...it seems like that's not a way I can live.
[He'd tried. He tried for six months. And it's been the worst six months he's ever experienced.
Red eyes, surrounded by fur, now, instead of candy, look up.]
What are we going to do about this...? You want to protect me, and you want to be able to leave your safety to someone else...and I want to respect your wishes and let you act however you see fit, but sometimes, doing that makes me feel like I can't be my whole self without taking something away from you. I want to protect you, too...I want to show you you're someone worth avenging, as much as I am. But if I get hurt doing that, it makes you feel guilty, like you should have stopped me.
[He's not walking out the door. He's laying out the problem. Atem doesn't have a solution yet for this tangled mess of needs and desires -- but the first step is to identify the threads.]
cw discussions of murder/suicide
And he gets his answer. Because Atem had made a call, regarding dealing with Ryou's dead body, that had been wrong. Always right, except when he's not. His ears press flat...he'd been very wrapped up in his own feelings at the time, after a week of holding a vigil over his boyfriend's headless body, and he hadn't thought of how what he was saying would have hurt Ryou...he sees, now, that it did. That he'd shaken Ryou's confidence without meaning to...that's his fault. Has it really been informing how Ryou acts, all this time? He'd had no idea...
Atem had made the mistake, there.
And, the rest...he takes a quiet few seconds to parse it, to make sense of it in his head. Atem had gone against Ryou's wishes to fight AM -- twice. The first time was under nephilim-influence, and the second was that fiery musical event. In both cases, he wasn't in his right mind...but, it does bring up one of Atem's sore points, which is how miserable he's been when he's felt restricted from fighting back. Ryou didn't mean to become someone Atem had to take care of, but he did...and, somehow, there were still times when he didn't feel supported, even when Atem was willing to throw his friendships and good name and principles in the fire to get himself and Ryou (and Maya, and Mukuro, and the Ring-Spirit) the power to protect themselves.
It's a mess.]
...I'm sorry, for how I acted when you came back, in October.
[It's a sincere apology. Real. No qualifiers.]
I didn't treat you with the understanding you deserved, when you came back so painfully. It was the first time we'd fought, and the mistake was mine...I didn't know how to handle making the wrong call, then, especially when it had hurt the person I cared about most in the world. I'd hurt you, and that was hard to accept -- that I'd hurt you, in a way I could have avoided. I wanted to undo the damage I had done, which was why I was so insistent on the clinic...it was because of how I felt, not because you were doing anything wrong.
[His own eyes, solid-red, gaze at one of Ryou's lower coils.]
I hope I'm better at facing my own mistakes, now. Now that I've made a lot more. But you deserved that apology a long time ago...another way I didn't realize I'd hurt you.
[For Atem, at least, scales in his mind start to tip towards something more even. That apology was owed; it's been given. He's acknowledged that Ryou was hurt by it, and that he understands, and that he'll do his best not to make the mistake again.]
I don't want you to do everything to my standards. Maybe I didn't understand that, last October, because I wanted to help you through Ryslig in the way I thought would spare you the most pain. Because I don't want you to go somewhere I can't pull you back from. Both our luck here is bad...you and I attract trouble. I didn't realize that, in trying to keep you, I was stifling you, and making you think you weren't up to my standards, because you weren't making the choices I would have...not until the damage was done.
[But they have another problem to work through, don't they...?]
Before I go on, I want you to know that you were not responsible for your own death, when you tried to protect me. You didn't ask to die. It was his actions that caused it, not yours, and you were brave to fight him for me.
But...Ryou, [he says, looking up, and there's pain in his expression.] I tried not fighting him because you asked me not to, and it's been like swallowing poison. I would have listened to you, because I didn't listen to you about AM and it made you feel betrayed and hurt, and because you deserved to have your wishes respected. Attacking him would have come with its own consequences, and there's no way to say, now, if they'd have been worse than this, but...I've had to live every day feeling like the kind of person who does nothing when his boyfriend is hurt and killed -- and who won't avenge himself, either. I did everything I could think of to find a way to live with it -- getting power for me, power for you, so that you could be less frightened, ensuring it wouldn't, couldn't happen again -- but it wasn't enough. I can't let go of the hate I feel! There will always be a part of me that's angry on my behalf, and your behalf.
[And for the Ring-Spirit, but Atem doesn't know if Ryou know that the Ring-Spirit struck out for them. Ryou might catch that there's something Atem's not saying -- a name he's not including out loud, but is in his heart -- but he moves on, not dwelling on it.]
I don't know how to solve it. I know you wanted to shield me from his retribution, but...it seems like that's not a way I can live.
[He'd tried. He tried for six months. And it's been the worst six months he's ever experienced.
Red eyes, surrounded by fur, now, instead of candy, look up.]
What are we going to do about this...? You want to protect me, and you want to be able to leave your safety to someone else...and I want to respect your wishes and let you act however you see fit, but sometimes, doing that makes me feel like I can't be my whole self without taking something away from you. I want to protect you, too...I want to show you you're someone worth avenging, as much as I am. But if I get hurt doing that, it makes you feel guilty, like you should have stopped me.
[He's not walking out the door. He's laying out the problem. Atem doesn't have a solution yet for this tangled mess of needs and desires -- but the first step is to identify the threads.]