[None of it would have been true, from where Atem is standing, from where he sees things.
But there's one thing she says that's not true, either. He shakes his head.]
I don't know how much it matters, but...this isn't what I wanted. Not really! It's not what I would have chosen, if I had seen another way forward.
[He means that. If he had seen an option that wasn't to allow himself to be dashed against the rocks, until he didn't look anything like himself anymore, one that didn't cause widespread emotional hurt, he would have taken it.
This is the closest to the apology she wants that she's likely to get from him: I didn't do it because I wanted others to suffer, and what will follow: an explanation of his reasoning, of why he chose that option, out of a set that was all bad.
His tone is even as he goes on. Perhaps too even. Atem has made himself come to terms with everything he has to say; if he lets hinself feel anything about it, it'll be too much. It might carry him away, ruin his words, take away his ability to speak. So, he speaks evenly.]
But it wasn't just me who was hurt. Ryou was killed, trying to protect me. He's been scared to go out alone for months now. I can see him looking over his shoulder even now, sniffing the air, making sure he isn't catching the coroner's scent.
And he asked me not to avenge him. I promised not to. In his state, there was nothing else I could do...he was frightened. Scared I would only be hurt more, unable to accept that for his sake. After all, the person who'd hurt us had tier-three god powers, and had managed to sneak up on me, despite my ability to hear heartbeats...
[But, Ryou hadn't believed in him. He hasn't thought Atem could do it, and avoid hurt he couldn't take.
That hurt, not to be believed in. But the alternative was making Ryou feel like his decisions didn't matter, that his wishes wouldn't be respected...Atem couldn't do that. Not to Ryou, after what his life before Ryslig had been like.]
He made fun of us, after that. He donated the design for the mechanical heart that he put in my chest to science...the newspapers still talk about it sometimes. The "AT-3-M" artificial heart.
[His ears press down and back. No -- he has to keep his temper in check. The bristling of his fur at the insult he hadn't been permitted to do anything about, on top of the injury he couldn't avenge, is the only indication of how he feels.]
It isn't subtle. But nobody asked me why my name was in the papers. No one who found me with my chest ticking that night put it together. No one else noticed Ryou was scared...and only one person struck back. .
I'll be grateful to him for the rest of my life...even if he came out of it worst off. His target got bored of what was being done, and told him where to hit to kill him...and then, when he came back, tortured my friend until he was in a state I'd never seen him in.
If I'd gotten what I'd wanted, Trish, my friends would have protected me. But...they weren't able, or weren't willing, to expose themselves to the danger. Not for my sake, or for Ryou's, who hasn't done anything but try to save me.
[His gaze drops, his ears swiveling back, As he talks, his voice gets quieter.]
I can't blame them. Not after what happened to the Ring-Spirit. One of them knew the attack was coming, and hadn't warned me. Others want to stay friendly with him anyway. I won't make them choose between us, no matter how much it hurts...I won't be a hypocrite, that way. And, I suppose I'm afraid...[Here, his voice is as quiet as it's been yet.]...afraid that the people I thought cared about me would choose Ryou's murderer, my torturer, over me. After everything...that would have been too painful.
[He's quiet a moment. Then, he lifts his head, his throat carrying the ligature-marks from this month's fog. His voice is steady again, clearer now than a moment ago. Back to business, to the careful laying-out of why.]
No matter what their feelings on it were, their actions made two things clear to me. One, the place that felt like home...the first home I'd made that was mine and not Yugi's, the place I felt safe among my friends, in the 38-8...that had been taken away from me. I wasn't safe. I looked weak, like I could be hurt, and my boyfriend could be killed, and I'd do nothing, and neither would my friends. A safe target, for people like Daniel, looking for monsters to kill for their own ends.
And, two...no one was going to do anything about that, but me.
cw torture/med horror, also in old Egypt the heart=memory, so blackouts are a symbolic tie
But there's one thing she says that's not true, either. He shakes his head.]
I don't know how much it matters, but...this isn't what I wanted. Not really! It's not what I would have chosen, if I had seen another way forward.
[He means that. If he had seen an option that wasn't to allow himself to be dashed against the rocks, until he didn't look anything like himself anymore, one that didn't cause widespread emotional hurt, he would have taken it.
This is the closest to the apology she wants that she's likely to get from him: I didn't do it because I wanted others to suffer, and what will follow: an explanation of his reasoning, of why he chose that option, out of a set that was all bad.
His tone is even as he goes on. Perhaps too even. Atem has made himself come to terms with everything he has to say; if he lets hinself feel anything about it, it'll be too much. It might carry him away, ruin his words, take away his ability to speak. So, he speaks evenly.]
But it wasn't just me who was hurt. Ryou was killed, trying to protect me. He's been scared to go out alone for months now. I can see him looking over his shoulder even now, sniffing the air, making sure he isn't catching the coroner's scent.
And he asked me not to avenge him. I promised not to. In his state, there was nothing else I could do...he was frightened. Scared I would only be hurt more, unable to accept that for his sake. After all, the person who'd hurt us had tier-three god powers, and had managed to sneak up on me, despite my ability to hear heartbeats...
[But, Ryou hadn't believed in him. He hasn't thought Atem could do it, and avoid hurt he couldn't take.
That hurt, not to be believed in. But the alternative was making Ryou feel like his decisions didn't matter, that his wishes wouldn't be respected...Atem couldn't do that. Not to Ryou, after what his life before Ryslig had been like.]
He made fun of us, after that. He donated the design for the mechanical heart that he put in my chest to science...the newspapers still talk about it sometimes. The "AT-3-M" artificial heart.
[His ears press down and back. No -- he has to keep his temper in check. The bristling of his fur at the insult he hadn't been permitted to do anything about, on top of the injury he couldn't avenge, is the only indication of how he feels.]
It isn't subtle. But nobody asked me why my name was in the papers. No one who found me with my chest ticking that night put it together. No one else noticed Ryou was scared...and only one person struck back. .
I'll be grateful to him for the rest of my life...even if he came out of it worst off. His target got bored of what was being done, and told him where to hit to kill him...and then, when he came back, tortured my friend until he was in a state I'd never seen him in.
If I'd gotten what I'd wanted, Trish, my friends would have protected me. But...they weren't able, or weren't willing, to expose themselves to the danger. Not for my sake, or for Ryou's, who hasn't done anything but try to save me.
[His gaze drops, his ears swiveling back, As he talks, his voice gets quieter.]
I can't blame them. Not after what happened to the Ring-Spirit. One of them knew the attack was coming, and hadn't warned me. Others want to stay friendly with him anyway. I won't make them choose between us, no matter how much it hurts...I won't be a hypocrite, that way. And, I suppose I'm afraid...[Here, his voice is as quiet as it's been yet.]...afraid that the people I thought cared about me would choose Ryou's murderer, my torturer, over me. After everything...that would have been too painful.
[He's quiet a moment. Then, he lifts his head, his throat carrying the ligature-marks from this month's fog. His voice is steady again, clearer now than a moment ago. Back to business, to the careful laying-out of why.]
No matter what their feelings on it were, their actions made two things clear to me. One, the place that felt like home...the first home I'd made that was mine and not Yugi's, the place I felt safe among my friends, in the 38-8...that had been taken away from me. I wasn't safe. I looked weak, like I could be hurt, and my boyfriend could be killed, and I'd do nothing, and neither would my friends. A safe target, for people like Daniel, looking for monsters to kill for their own ends.
And, two...no one was going to do anything about that, but me.