[Trish came here to drag regret out of Atem, she knows. He knew it too.
Desperate for some sign of the wide-eyed young boy, or the young king that sat shoulder to shoulder with her and watched ducks paddle about in a false pond. If there's anything she's more afraid of here than dying, or monsters, when death is utterly meaningless by itself and everyone you know is a monster...it's what people lose when they become complacent in those two things.
Death loses memories, and being a monster changes you from the outside in, a slow loss of humanity that starts in the flesh and creeps ever closer towards a person's heart. Not that she necessarily thinks enjoying monsterhood in and of itself is wrong anymore. Not after what she and Mukuro have said to one another. But there's another force always plying at their hearts, making it miserable to have an open heart. Atem couldn't withstand it, but it's not his fault, not anymore than it would be anyone else's.
He got what he wanted, he said as much. He has no interest in pushing for more. He doesn't see what he's got as a natural evolution of himself, and he won't use it indiscriminately. Realistically, that's the absolute best she could ask for. Realistically, that's all he can give.
And with Ryou, there's an additional complication to all of this. She can't imagine how she would feel about seeing any of her friends too scared to move about their day, too damaged to every really recover. It would have driven her mad with fury, and she imagines Atem must be the same. But to be rendered toothless because that same person couldn't find comfort in you...that must be agony.
Ryou, a safe person to return to...had become someone painful just to see.
So she listens, and the rest of it only makes her feel like everything else has fallen away but her and Atem. She watches every incremental movement of his like they're a magnet for her eyes, swallowing at the more sordid parts. Torture, gleeful torture...it's sick, it's wrong, and she can't believe she didn't know about it. Or why no one would say anything if they did know. She wonders, too, how anyone could know Atem and this other person and choose anyone like that over him, but she supposes when you lay forgotten, your faith is shattered completely. That's not fair to anyone, but a heart only believes what it is shown.
She doesn't read the paper, either. She doesn't watch the news. She doesn't...but after today, she will. Too little, too late. But she will.
All of this to say: what would she have done if she had known? There's nothing she could do to stand up to another monster that wanted to kill and wasn't afraid to do it. She doesn't have the strength.
Hell, even Steve, beloved Steve, he was just an easy target of circumstance. Who you are...only means so much to so many people.
All the same, who Atem is, it matters to her. He matters. She couldn't save him then, not even if she wanted to...but she can be here. She can stay. It's not much, but when she thinks about how much it meant to her that Atem was happy to sit and talk with her, to be friends...
The mer leans forward to rest her chin on her wrists where they cross over her knees, regarding him thoughtfully.]
It...matters more than you think, Atem.
I came here because I wanted you to regret what you'd done. However, I'd forgotten that you'd already told me in so many words before everything happened that something was...wrong. I could tell that much. But I never pushed for more answers, did I? You told me you would handle it, and I was content to let it go unquestioned.
[He was vague about the circumstances, but only in the sense that he had been hurt and that he had a solution.
The pain was much deeper than she imagined, and his solution was to reach down, down, down until he could try and pull it out at the roots. But it's still there. He's safe in the way he wanted, but he still aches.]
Not to mention I...well, I sympathize with you more than you know, Atem. When you're all you've got, and who you are isn't enough, what do you do?
I haven't thought much about that since I got here. I've had the luxury not to. And while I'll never be happy about what you did, I can't pretend I know a better way myself. You did what was right for you and Ryou. No more, no less.
[...
She chews her lip.]
Even if you were sorry, there'd be no going back. I was just worried you'd been lost completely, but if I'm honest...you sound like the same Atem to me.
[Faint from the distance between them, but distinctly Atem.
Still, she can hear the way he talks, and how different it is from how they used to speak to one another. As such:]
...Can I ask what you were expecting from me, Atem? Do I remind you of the people that let you down?
eats this Egypt information ty ty
Desperate for some sign of the wide-eyed young boy, or the young king that sat shoulder to shoulder with her and watched ducks paddle about in a false pond. If there's anything she's more afraid of here than dying, or monsters, when death is utterly meaningless by itself and everyone you know is a monster...it's what people lose when they become complacent in those two things.
Death loses memories, and being a monster changes you from the outside in, a slow loss of humanity that starts in the flesh and creeps ever closer towards a person's heart. Not that she necessarily thinks enjoying monsterhood in and of itself is wrong anymore. Not after what she and Mukuro have said to one another. But there's another force always plying at their hearts, making it miserable to have an open heart. Atem couldn't withstand it, but it's not his fault, not anymore than it would be anyone else's.
He got what he wanted, he said as much. He has no interest in pushing for more. He doesn't see what he's got as a natural evolution of himself, and he won't use it indiscriminately. Realistically, that's the absolute best she could ask for. Realistically, that's all he can give.
And with Ryou, there's an additional complication to all of this. She can't imagine how she would feel about seeing any of her friends too scared to move about their day, too damaged to every really recover. It would have driven her mad with fury, and she imagines Atem must be the same. But to be rendered toothless because that same person couldn't find comfort in you...that must be agony.
Ryou, a safe person to return to...had become someone painful just to see.
So she listens, and the rest of it only makes her feel like everything else has fallen away but her and Atem. She watches every incremental movement of his like they're a magnet for her eyes, swallowing at the more sordid parts. Torture, gleeful torture...it's sick, it's wrong, and she can't believe she didn't know about it. Or why no one would say anything if they did know. She wonders, too, how anyone could know Atem and this other person and choose anyone like that over him, but she supposes when you lay forgotten, your faith is shattered completely. That's not fair to anyone, but a heart only believes what it is shown.
She doesn't read the paper, either. She doesn't watch the news. She doesn't...but after today, she will. Too little, too late. But she will.
All of this to say: what would she have done if she had known? There's nothing she could do to stand up to another monster that wanted to kill and wasn't afraid to do it. She doesn't have the strength.
Hell, even Steve, beloved Steve, he was just an easy target of circumstance. Who you are...only means so much to so many people.
All the same, who Atem is, it matters to her. He matters. She couldn't save him then, not even if she wanted to...but she can be here. She can stay. It's not much, but when she thinks about how much it meant to her that Atem was happy to sit and talk with her, to be friends...
The mer leans forward to rest her chin on her wrists where they cross over her knees, regarding him thoughtfully.]
It...matters more than you think, Atem.
I came here because I wanted you to regret what you'd done. However, I'd forgotten that you'd already told me in so many words before everything happened that something was...wrong. I could tell that much. But I never pushed for more answers, did I? You told me you would handle it, and I was content to let it go unquestioned.
[He was vague about the circumstances, but only in the sense that he had been hurt and that he had a solution.
The pain was much deeper than she imagined, and his solution was to reach down, down, down until he could try and pull it out at the roots. But it's still there. He's safe in the way he wanted, but he still aches.]
Not to mention I...well, I sympathize with you more than you know, Atem. When you're all you've got, and who you are isn't enough, what do you do?
I haven't thought much about that since I got here. I've had the luxury not to. And while I'll never be happy about what you did, I can't pretend I know a better way myself. You did what was right for you and Ryou. No more, no less.
[...
She chews her lip.]
Even if you were sorry, there'd be no going back. I was just worried you'd been lost completely, but if I'm honest...you sound like the same Atem to me.
[Faint from the distance between them, but distinctly Atem.
Still, she can hear the way he talks, and how different it is from how they used to speak to one another. As such:]
...Can I ask what you were expecting from me, Atem? Do I remind you of the people that let you down?