knifemonopoly | IC inbox

[Sometimes, Ryou finds that the game metaphors can get a little tiring. Yeah, he makes them too, but look at who he lives with. Other times, like now...the game metaphors make him feel better. Atem has a way of putting things that really just works.

All of their friends...they are close-knit like a puzzle, aren't they? It's nice. He wants to stay like that forever, while still being able to consider Atem the most precious.

...Then Atem notices his piercing. Ryou hadn't really thought about how he'd exposed it, so he suddenly drops his hand and averts his gaze before laughing awkwardly.]

H-hahaha...y-yes. I wanted something different, so I went to look at that place in the mall that does this kind of thing. Beat found me...told me that place was no good, and we went somewhere else to get it done.

[...Listen, he was having a crisis here, changing things up helped him.]

Does it look okay?

[Asks the dumbass who just let it get covered back up.]

[His head leans forward, and his bat-snout sticks itself into Ryou's hair, snuffling at Ryou's ear.

He can't help it.

The little skulls are cute.

He wants to stick his face in it.]

It looks great! You picked it yourself...?

[Still nuzzling.]

[Ryou tilts his head to the side and chuckles a little. He doesn't mind the nuzzling at all, even when it musses his hair. The snake on the correct side excitedly flicks its tongue at Atem, then pushes up against his jaw. Yay! Good!

It's nice. It's very nice...to the point he almost forgets to answer Atem, but he catches himself.]

Mm, yeah. I picked it...I know, it's exactly what you'd expect from me, right? Skulls...

But maybe I can do something else eventually. Nothing major...not like Beat's tongue piercing. That looks like it hurt.

[And Ryou's not fond of excessive pain, so...]

If you want to do it, you should do it.

[snuff snuff! smells like boyfriend. also candy....but also boyfriend.]

It's your body...so, decorate it however you like!

Personally, I think this has made your ears look even cuter...but really, you don't have to worry about my opinion being unfavorable. You shouldn't even think about it!

[He pulls back, looks Ryou in the eyes. The main eyes, not the snakes' eyes.]

Because...as long as you're true to yourself, every change you make to your appearance will only make you look more like you. I like who you are...so, I'll like what you do!

[It's very kind of Atem to offer him support like this. It makes him feel warm and happy but...there is something about it that he feels he has to clarify...juts so it doesn't get too weird.

When Atem pulls back, Ryou takes the opportunity to settle himself more comfortably on his lap, arms crossed across his bat legs, looking up at him with no small amount of fondness.]

I'm glad that you feel that way, but...you know, sometimes I might still want your personal opinion. There's a good time and a bad time for it, but if I ask....you can feel comfortable knowing I value your words, I hope.

Such as...if I were to ask you what kind of piercing you'd like to see on me. I wouldn't be asking because I wanted you to tell me what to do, but because I like it when we agree.

[He pauses, then sighs, his head bowing forward and his snakes hiding back in his hair.]

It sounds bad...doesn't it? No matter what way I say it...I just don't want you to treat me as if all my decisions are perfect. They aren't, clearly.

[Atem tilts his head. There's a point in there, about Atem not pretending all of Ryou's decisions are perfect.]

It's different, when it's your body...it doesn't feel right, to tell you what I'd like to see on it, without you suggesting it first. I want you to look at any piercings you get and think about how you chose them because you like how you look with them -- not think about me, and what you'd do for me. And I want to see your ideas.

...

But, as long as you know it's just my opinion, and not the determining factor in whether you should or shouldn't do it...I can tell you whether I'd like one of your ideas or not. After all, just because I like something doesn't mean it's what would look best to everyone! If it makes you feel confident, then that confidence will make it look good -- no matter what it is.

[Ryou listens, and as he does, his head slowly raises back up. He looks at Atem with that same immeasurable fondness as before and he wishes so very much that the fog was done with, so that he could kiss his boyfriend properly.

Maybe it's not a proper move, but Ryou kisses his snout anyway.]

I'm glad you came back. I'm glad we can talk like this again. I never realized how much of myself I gave up to you...and I don't want to be too selfish, but...you're right. I ought to make that kind of decision on my own.

...Maybe I'll get a navel piercing. O-or one higher up on the ear.

[He adds the last part so that what he said prior doesn't feel so heavy. He's tired of things feeling so heavy...they already took time away from each other and that had been hard for Ryou.

Why not talk about piercings?

Though...there probably is something else he should bring up soon. Something important that Atem should know about.]

[Why not talk about piercings? They've made up, and they're not out of the woods yet, but they're both going to try to do better, so...what else is there to talk about?

(Ha, ha.)]

I like the idea of both of those.

[He returns the smooch with a press of his nose and a small lick to the side of Ryou's face.]

[The snakes adore the attention. They are coming back out and demanding more, because Ryou really, really wants all the attention too!

The difference is, he doesn't share a single braincell with the snair, so he can make it conversational while they rub all over Atem's jaw. If they seem bothersome, he'll sweep them back, but for now they're given free rein.]

You know, back home...I'd never have done this kind of thing. I was more straight-laced. But I wonder if the girls would have eased back if I had something visible, like a nose piercing. Then again...I'm sure that it would have been a problem at school.

[Why give Karita something else to possibly pull at? Not that he thinks the guy would, he'd given Ryou a fairly wide berth after his, uh. Out-of-body experience.]

Maybe a piece of obnoxious jewelry I didn't hide under my shirt would have done it, h-hahaha...ha...

[Jewelry.

Hm...is this really the time? SHould he just...clear the air on this now? They were talking about opinions and such, and Atem had already said that he will try trusting Ryou within reason.

(is this within reason? no)

Still, it makes him nervous. The snakes suddenly nip at each other, fighting as if to lay blame on each other for ruining the mood. Hey. HEEEEY! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!]

So...speaking of jewelry. Um. I have to tell you something...about those days I was away from home. It wasn't the right time then, since we were arguing and then we split up, but...it's important.

[....Atem pauses, drawing back.

Up until Ryou's laughter grows awkward and starts to fade, he's been content to let the snakes do as they like, sweet little buddies, good friends -- but, he senses something's uncomfortable right away.

So, he draws back, and he looks at Ryou, his eyes searching. Jewelry. Is this what he thinks it is, or something else...?]

...go on. I'm listening!

[Ryou holds Atem's gaze for a moment, but averts it soon after. He doesn't want Atem to think he was hiding it--he wasn't! But they truly had argued before it could even come up.

So...better now than any other time, right?

Ryou swats at his snakes gently, wincing at the weird sensation that he gets from doing so--after all, they're part of him--and then finally admits what he'd done.]

While I was away from home, I...well, when I didn't need to be indoors, I spent time searching for the artifact I've been researching. And...uh, I found it.

...I have it here, but I haven't used it. I haven't even tested it, because I was afraid it might cause harm to me, since I was a nephilim, and I believe it may have been made with shades in mind. It didn't seem to be worth the gamble in that form, at least that's...what I thought.

Edited (tense fail lol) 2022-08-12 04:33 (UTC)

["I found it."

Atem's stomach sinks. His ears press tight to his head.

So...Ryou has it. It's a question of if, now -- if Ryou chooses to try to use it.]

....I see.

Do you...want me to tell you how I feel about it?

[Because...Atem will. He'll tell Ryou honestly. He won't try to control what Ryou does, but at this point, he's confident enough that he can share his opinion in a way that isn't trying to make Ryou do what Atem thinks is best to ask.]

[Ryou looks thoughtfully at Atem's chest, because although he's comfortably leaning on Atem's lap...he saw the immediate negative body language and couldn't bear to keep looking at him face to face.

It's hard, knowing that he's disappointed Atem. Every instinct Ryou has that isn't naga-coded is screaming at him to do what Atem thinks is right, to make him happy, not upset...

But that's not right. This kind of thing is why they'd fought. He's not going to go down that path. Still, though...]

Yes. I do.

[Honest...but he still can't look Atem in the eye. This isn't going to be an easy transition for him. He's not trying to be cruel or distant about it, but there has to be a degree of separation for him to commit.]

[...he takes a deep breath, calming and steadying.

Okay. Here goes.]

I think what you've found is the same kind of thing as Riley's cursed necklace, that caused trouble back in October. Did you run into her, while she had it on...? It wasn't good. But it was what made us all sing our feelings, and burst into flames, and try to be what we thought other people expected of us...

...until she died. Celeste killed her, so that Riley wouldn't suffer anymore...and then went out and killed more people, because she felt like she deserved to be punished.

Jewelry with a magic native to this place...magic that doesn't come from Mana...I don't trust it! I'm afraid that if you use this thing, it'll hurt you, and a lot of other monsters.

That said...

[He pauses here. He has to admit it, doesn't he?]

...I could be wrong. I dried your body out because I was afraid you would come back somewhere you didn't feel safe, or far away like I did, so I made the wrong call, and hurt you more.

I'm wrong, sometimes. I could be wrong about this. There's no way to know for sure, until it happens.

So...no matter what, I'll respect your decision. Whether you use it, or don't -- whether it works, or it doesn't...I'll be there, to help in whatever way you want.

[Ryou is quiet for a long few seconds after that. He can't make Atem feel better about this, he's quite certain of that. Not even if he gives all of his own thoughts. But...he's going to anyway.]

I never saw Riley during that time. I didn't realize how bad it was for her...

[He looks up at Atem at last, and there's an apologetic look on his face.]

I don't think you're wrong, Atem. About what might happen. You're probably right that, should I walk this path...it might hurt other monsters, and myself. I appreciate that you'll support me, and that you're willing to admit that you could be wrong. But you probably aren't.

...Even if it's not me, it'll be someone else causing trouble. That's just the nature of this place. I'll have to live with whatever comes out of this, just like anyone else who makes a mistake here. But I can't go on as I am, taking advantage of what coins may manifest for me to pay out to Mana and continue delaying the inevitable a handful at a time.

[The apologetic look...it's fading for something harder. Something more determined.]

I'm going to do this. I'll do it because I can't keep wasting coins on temporary changes to avoid what my monster type is. I'm still going to test out other monster types, because at the end of all this...I'll change mine permanently. It takes a lot of coins to ask that of Mana, but if I can use the jewel, I can buy enough time to earn those coins. Or if the jewel works better than I thought...maybe I can be happy as a shade.

[He pauses, looks Atem in the eye and beyond that determination is unending fondness.]

You like me as a shade...don't you? And my power set revolves around my monster type. S-so...if I can make it work then I'd like to.

But...if it doesn't...I know that Mukuro will do what needs to be done. She'll kill me. She told me that if I ever caused monsters trouble, she would. Because I won't make you kill me again. Not even a mercy kill. That's not fair to you. All I can ever ask of you is if you would help me stand up again. If it goes bad, then...I'm afraid I'll need help, for a little while, until...

[He trails off, because he doesn't know how to even say it. If this fails, he knows he'll be too weak of heart to survive on his own for at least a little while, even after all this. Plus, others might come after him if he hurts them in service of helping himself. He wouldn't blame them.]

...Until it all settles. But if it causes you trouble, I can...go another way. I can.

[Atem's ears are pressed close to his head. His body language, his expression, all of it is stressed; he doesn't like this, not at all, and it doesn't strike him as the best move...

...but, it's Ryou's move. It's how Ryou is choosing to address his problems, how Ryou is choosing to play...it's important that Atem respects that. When he tried to make Ryou play like Atem would, it went badly...so, maybe this will be, if not better, at least not worse.]

I won't stop you. And, if it goes bad, I'll help you. It might cause trouble for me, but that's because I care what happens to you -- that's no reason not to do it. What I needed, this spring, caused trouble for you, so...

Whatever happens, you can count on me.

[The idea of Mukuro killing Ryou because Ryou's become too much of a danger to leave alive makes Atem feel truly miserable. He'd almost rather do it himself, he doesn't mind a mercy kill -- but, it would be more upsetting for Ryou to be killed by Atem than Mukuro, wouldn't it?

...

Wait. He should talk about that, instead of assuming he knows best for Ryou.]

You should know...that I'd be willing to kill you, if you needed a gentle death. If you prefer Mukuro, because the memories of the times Ankhsunatem killed you are already too painful, then I understand...but, you don't have to avoid asking me out of kindness.

[Ryou hates to see Atem look this way. He wants to make it better, to tell Atem that he won't do it, he won't make a choice that Atem doesn't approve of.

He almost does...but then he remembers what that had lead to. Loneliness, upset, strife. He' snot going to make things worse by being untrue to himself. Atem wanted him to be selfish...and so he will be.

It's not to be cruel. It's...to be who he is, isn't it? To let himself make a decision that isn't rooted in the wishes of another.

Ryou can be himself.

Even if "himself" is not perfect. Atem is telling him so, by saying that he'll support Ryou. Right?

But still, it hurts. Ryou pushes himself further up, until he's functionally slithered up into Atem's lap a little. Obviously most of his tail is still on the floor, but he wants to be close, to wrap his arms around Atem's shoulders.]

All I can ever ask for is what you're offering me. I know it might sound silly but...I'm humbled by your support. I know it can't be easy, but it means a lot...it does.

[He pauses, trying not to frown too hard at the next part.]

And...It's not the memories. I know that you'd make it painless, just like she did. Not...for the other me, but for the real me. I trust you to do it...but I love you, and I don't want to die at your hand. Not you. Not again...if I can help it.

I don't want to die at all, it still scares me. The only time it never did was when I sacrificed myself for Yugi and the others...and you. Back when we all first met. I know that's not a memory you and I share, but...then and only then, did I offer my soul, to protect all of yours.

[Ryou draws in a breath that feels like it stings him from the inside out. He doesn't want to get into this too deeply. Clearly he's unsettled by the topic.]

L-listen, um. We should...compromise on it. If Mukuro isn't there, then...y-you can do what you need to. But...if you can respect this choice, I would feel better. It's as much a kindness for me as you.

Of course I can respect it!

[Clawed hands, dry and dead, take hold of Ryou's shoulders.]

Ryou, all you had to say was, "I don't want to!"

If you were asking me not to be the one to kill you for my sake, then I wanted you to understand how I felt...but what matters about your final wishes is what you want, not me. If you don't want it to be me, then that's that: we don't have to compromise! But, if you change your mind -- and you can change your mind -- you can ask me for it. But only if it becomes what you want.

[He's just....not going to dig into the self sacrifice Ryou remembers but he doesn't right now.

It's not like he can talk, given his own past.]

[Ryou looks at Atem incredulously. It's really just that easy, huh?

He'd...really been making it so much more complicated than it had to be, assuming that Atem wouldn't approve, and therefore that things like this weren't feasible. It's not equally cut between his deferential personality and their disagreement before this point, but they both contributed to this.

Either way, he leans in and presses another chaste kiss to the side of Atem's bat snout, before pressing his face into Atem's shoulder. His next words are mumbled, but audible]

I'm sorry for the way I treated you. It was shameful and you didn't deserve it and--you're so kind to me...even after we argue...

[All this because he doesn't have to explain "I don't want to." It's unbelievable how much of a whiny guy he's being--

--or maybe it isn't, given that he's been without his most cherished person for two weeks. Either way...]

[And he's going to wrap his arms around Ryou's shoulders, bringing Ryou into a tighter hug.]

Part of that was my fault...for not understanding how the way I was treating you was making you feel.

[Not until the damage was done, anyway, and he was seeing the effects...and had to fix it. The ways he chose to cope with difficulty...the tools he had...he can't use them all anymore, can he...?

Ryou's collar reminds him of that. A clawed hand comes up, and a thumb brushes over the leather.]

We should be careful how we use this. I can't take control over your decisions when you're having a hard time, anymore...it's not good for us.

Edited 2022-08-21 00:55 (UTC)

[Ryou wants to argue that things don't have to change so drastically, Atem doesn't have to give up every single caring habit that he ever partook in, because it would alter their relationship too much, too fast...

...But he knows why Atem is saying this. He knows that things can't continue as they are, because Ryou is someone who values his agency. And yet...

Ryou turns his head, so he can speak where Atem can hear him, but he's still leaning.]

I've let you do too much. I haven't been letting myself exist as who I am, when...the truth is, I don't like it when other people take who I am away. It's not that you did it against my will...but my will hasn't been mine in a while, has it?

[There's a shame to his words, weighing them down.]

I don't want things to change too much. Not like this. I still want you to...to ground me. But if it's bad for us, then...

[His snakes hide back in his hair. They don't like this feeling. They're sad and conflicted and don't know how to deal with that any better than Ryou does.]

This is my fault too. I gave up. It's easier to give up and hide. But I shouldn't do that anymore. I can't.

[Atem starts to stroke the back of Ryou's head, petting his hair. He doesn't touch the collar.]

Being able to ground you, when it helps, is something I like. I want to be able to do that for you. But, if it's easier for you to give up, then it's also easier for me to take over, so...

...I can't do that when it keeps you from being yourself. I want you to be who you are...and I want you to be confident in your own decisions, even if I don't agree. I'm sorry, that I acted in a way that made you feel like you couldn't be that person...I'll do my best not to act that way again, now that I understand that it's easy for me to do that if I'm not doing well, and that it's not good for you. That'll make it easier not to give up, right?

Remember -- I started liking you when who you were didn't have anything to do with me. So...when you're free to be that person again...I'll definitely still like you!

[The only thing stopping Ryou from instinctively wrapping himself around Atem completely at this point is the space economy they currently have going on with the sofa and the coffin-table, but he very much wishes he could. It's less about wanting to close the gap between then and more the fact that Atem is managing to say the exact things that would comfort him in this situation.

Being assured that he, as he is, would be loved by Atem, and that in fact, even with all his flaws, Atem had fallen for him in the first place...it's almost too much to think about.

So, he simply nuzzles Atem's shoulder more. It's a comfort to do so.]

I know...I can't expect you to take the reins for me indefinitely, or even frequently. I'm the only person who can be in charge of me.

Your narrator told me that what we're doing right now is weakening us, as a team. I thought it was just because I was a useless burden, but it's more than that. We have to work together more cohesively--not try and cover up each other's shortcomings and overcompensate for them.

[A hand reaches up, to scratch behind one of Atem's ears. It's as much for Ryou as it is for Atem, honestly. He wants to do this. To touch. To be close. To know that Atem isn't going to leave him again, even if the mere anxiety of it is nonsensical at this point.]

I'll be better. For you and for me.

[Atem's ear instinctively does a radar-dish twirl, when it's scratched, and he shakes his head -- not because of the scritch, but because of what Ryou said.]

You don't have to be better. Just be more like yourself! You can't always be "better"...everyone has a limit, to that, and whether it's enough for the people around us or not is up to them.

But, who you are -- that's good enough for me!

I gave you that collar first and foremost to help you with your scar...we should go back to thinking of it that way.

[Ryou's shoulders slump noticeably when Atem says they should walk back anything besides utility for the collar. It's...not what he wanted, ever.]

So...we shouldn't play the games we do anymore with it...? Never?

[He doesn't want to walk back that kind of trust--but if Atem thinks it's better, even when they're alone and flirting, then...he'll respect it.]

I've really screwed it up, haven't I? H-hahaha...

[His hand stays in place, even after Atem's head-shake. But now he's not scratching so much as gently stroking the inside of the ear with his thumb. Gently. It's as much for him as it would be for Atem.]

U-understood though. I know...it's like you said. You fell in love with who I am. I'll be me. But maybe not the me that's a shade for a little longer. I won't let Mana make me a nephilim again, but...I'm not ready to go back to shade yet.

[He'll keep being selfish a little longer about that. Even if changing back hurts him badly, he isn't ready.]

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, PLAYER1. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 10.11.0.0.01 * PLAYER1 has joined 10.11.0.0.01 <PLAYER1>** If you're looking for someone you knew as Yugi before June, you've found him! It's Atem, leave a message.

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i'm sorry but he is absolutely whinetalking in this tag. sad boy.

bdsm/control discussion,

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