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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, PLAYER1. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 10.11.0.0.01 * PLAYER1 has joined 10.11.0.0.01 <PLAYER1>** If you're looking for someone you knew as Yugi before June, you've found him! It's Atem, leave a message.

Main handle: < Player1 > Anon: < turtleluck >, < actuallydied >, < burner >

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[Sure, she'd have killed him if he didn't have the purification spell. But there's a lot of shoulda-woulda-coulda there -- she wouldn't have gotten him if he hadn't used the regret spell, if he hadn't doubted, if he hadn't shown her that what he was was a guy who would dig the truth out of her without any regard for her feelings, or hadn't made a host of other mistakes leading up to the bite itself. Him surviving it...that's just playing the cards in his hand well, saving himself by the skin of his teeth after a number of bad moves.

If there's anything Atem can understand after his month of the Fog's idea of divine fury, it's having trouble holding back.

He waits, as his apology is processed. Even as a demon, Atem doesn't like to be a liar: he's always manipulated through temptation, not false emotional bonds. He stands by what he said -- and, when she gives a mmn, he takes that as acceptance. That'd be enough for him --

-- so, the offer of information, the very information he was looking for, catches him by surprise. Really? Mukuro'd offer it, just like that? After how he behaved?]

I...

[He's off-balance for a moment, like he's been handed something he didn't expect and doesn't know what to do with it yet. Excuse him for a few seconds, he's got to reshuffle some pieces around in his mind and look at their shape. What does he want to do, here?

It's not the nephilim-brain, that would be ready to weigh the words. It's not the naga-brain that wanted to wrap around his friends, keep them together, keep them safe. It's not even the vampire-brain, which wants to collect data, as much as he can, to make the best possible moves. The question his mind right now, in this form, is asking is, what do you want?]

I do want to understand. As much as I can.

[She's a part of his group of friends, bonded strongly to people Atem cares about. Even when they disagree, she's there to protect people who matter to Atem a lot. She's someone he doesn't want to be a mystery...not because her being a mystery is dangerous, but because if he sees the shape of where her bruises are, he'll be better able to avoid them. He's set enough people off by accident lately.]

[Wants... to understand. Yeah.]

Okay.

[It's quiet, almost more of a sigh than a word. With that single acknowledgement, she takes a step back, leaning against the wall with her tail curled low. This isn't a happy story. It's not one she wants to tell. But it's not being dragged out of her, either, like a forced confession, like barbed wire in her throat.

It's to understand. To be understood. She can do that. Mukuro takes a breath, and when she speaks, it's in a low, flat monotone.]

Our mother didn't want twins.
She didn't even - neither of our parents really - wanted us. But you're - supposed to - have a family. So when we were born - they mostly just - put up with us.
Junko means "obedient child." And Mukuro means "corpse."

[Blunt, detached. It's much easier to tell if she doesn't connect to it. From the very beginning, she wasn't meant to exist. They'd wished her dead. Worthless, burdensome, disappointing.]

...I only existed - to take care of Junko. That's all I was ever good for.
They'd - hurt us. I tried to - make them - focus on me. To protect her.
But I couldn't - I--

[Her claws dig into her arm. She takes a breath. Reset.]

...I had to get away or I would have killed them.
I thought - maybe they'd be nicer to her, if they didn't have to put up with me.
So - I left. I joined Fenrir.
It didn't work. Junko ran too, eventually.
She ended up on the street.

[Heedless of the drool and the possibility of her getting sick, Atem wraps arms around her shoulders properly and pulls her into a hug, one knee on the ground for stability. Between him running hot as a fire-type and wings to keep the wind away, it'll be much warmer. He'll hold her as close as she wants, making sure the Puzzle's out of the way, that its edges don't add any more pain to this.]

I know. It's really scary...

[He knows how scary it is.]

...but I won't leave. I promise. I'll be with you the whole time.

[He starts to pet the top of her head lightly, but it's more the movement of someone comforting a child than petting an animal. Atem remembers what had made him feel better, what kinds of things get him through his own deaths...]

You'll be okay when it's over, Ray. It's not going to hurt like this forever.

When you're better...let's do something fun, okay?

[For once, Atem doesn't give his opinion on it. He doesn't say what he thinks of it, or whether what either of them did was right or wrong. He doesn't even bring up the slaughter at the middle school. Now's not the time to figure out where that fits in. It's time to listen, to put the pieces he is being given together into what was always going to be a disturbing picture, but which is darker than what he'd guessed.

He's not unaffected; his feelings show on his face. He doesn't bother hiding them, even if he could control the tell of how his pupils contract, the way his mouth tightens, the way his tail curls in on itself to one side and stays there.

But he doesn't interrupt. He gives a nod, showing that he follows the story, so far.]

[She can't bring herself to voice her feelings when he should already know them -- how touched she is by his assurances and how grateful she is for his warmth and the physical show of care. He cares about her. He wants to be with her for this. He came for her because she asked, no promise needed. Her ears twitch as he rests his hand between them, almost startled, but it's more her body's instinctive response than something she's done. Since he's here, it doesn't surprise her at all. She's just drifting, only anchored now by his touch and sharp pains swelling with each breath. His question has her mouth moving to respond, but it takes a few tries to actually muster up the ability to get the words out.]

Okay, Atem. [Something fun... Her idea of fun wasn't always the most normal, but other than these moments of dying in each other's arms, her time with Atem has always been pretty fun. She's sure whatever it is will be fine.] It won't...take long. I should come back right...away... Will -- [Ray cuts off with a shuddered inhale and holds her breath. Don't throw up. That'd be no good at all.] W-will...you take my body to the -- the morgue? I should...n't make more work for Dr. Kitty, i-if...

[If she can help it. She's inconvenienced him so much already, and covering his duties on top of her own while he was away had only made up for some of that, she's pretty sure. She can't convey all those thoughts as she wheezes out another few coughs, but that's alright. It wasn't very pertinent to Atem anyway. He'll have to be thinking of fun things. God, it hurts. The little coughing fits aren't exactly making it easy to keep still, and the more she struggles with it the more her insides feel like they're torn apart, and the more that happens the more she feels pressure pooling in her abdomen. Was most of her blood there now? Like a tick. But she wasn't -- she wasn't a parasite here, not with him. There's nothing to be sorry for, this time.]

[He's not talking. It's - well, it's almost unsettling, but it also makes it easier to keep going. Everything about this is already uncomfortable. Her arms are crossed, she's curled in on herself, her ears are back - all of her body language is screaming defensive discomfort, and even then, her voice is completely empty.]

I was already - violent. I knew I could do it, and I knew it'd pay well. I thought - either I'd get stronger, and be able to come back and take care of her, or - I'd die without her being the one to find me.

[Because no one else would have looked for her. And she could never do that to Junko.]

I didn't know - she left too. I wasn't - we weren't in contact. I was always moving around, I didn't - I didn't know.
But the only way she could survive on the streets - she wasn't - like me, she couldn't - defend herself, or--
... She had to sell herself. And eventually - she found - a manager. She became a model.
When I came back - she was famous.

And we were invited to Hope's Peak.
Her as the Ultimate Fashionista, me as the Ultimate Soldier. Even though - she was so smart. They didn't care. Just about her career.

[The one she'd been forced into, the one she'd had to claw her way up from the gutter to, the one that reduced her to nothing but a body to drool over, like always. Like always. A deep, dark bitterness has edged into her tone; it's practically dripping from her voice, exactly like the viscous toxin she's been gifted.]

Did Komaeda tell you - what happened?
What that school did?

i'm fine with possession.

[The answer comes immediately. His bodily autonomy was stolen by a hydra many months ago, and he doesn't relish losing it again. At the same time, wouldn't accidentally harming someone by losing control be just another type of autonomy lost? There's nothing good that could come of it. For better or for worse, he trusts Atem to do the right thing.]

[Even if he can't.]

anything is preferable to doing real damage to someone like this. i absolutely can't accept that. kill me if you have to. from what you're saying, it seems unlikely to come to that, but still.

Mm, I love you too.

[Ryou murmurs the words quietly, but with sincerity.]

I've usually kept to the outskirts...because I was afraid of getting lost. But if there's two of us, then it should be okay...

[Not that Ryou didn't have a nose to try and find his way out or anything. He's just not secure in his abilities at all. It doesn't matter though. They'll go together. It'll be fine...yeah.

Ryou sighs gently, drawing his arm back and then tucking his head against Atem's chest. Sleepily, he murmurs one last thing before finally dozing off, and it makes just about zero sense.]

I'll catch you a rabbit...

[--heh.

Choosing to have your body taken over, if that's the cost to keep you from doing harm you didn't mean to...

...that's right, in a situation like that, wouldn't Atem make that choice, too?]

I understand.

[He also understands that Giorno is worried and embarrassed in a way that doesn't match what Atem's seen from him so far. It's hard to gauge emotions over text, but how quickly the response to the possession suggestion came, how fast he agreed to an extreme solution...Giorno seems scared of this feeding type, scared he'll hurt someone. Did something happen involving a blood-drinking Stand?

Atem understands Giorno's wishes here, and he will do whatever it takes to keep this feeding peaceful, so that the only thing that's lost is a bit of his own blood.]

Where should I meet you?

[It's like water flowing downhill, isn't it, he thinks. What you put into a river upstream carries all the way down to the ocean...pain's the same way, isn't it? The bad water you drink poisons you, and your corpse poisons the water more...

The people around Mukuro and Junko failed them so profoundly that the whole river turned to poison, suffering begetting suffering.

Fashionable girls...Atem knows the archetype. What a terrible way to become that kind of person -- what a terrible thing to have to hide under a pretty mask.

She brings up Komaeda, and the school, and what it was doing. Something flashes over Atem's face when Mukuro brings him up -- regret, loneliness maybe. But he answers, quiet, listening:]

Only how the Ultimates program worked.

[Which she knows he knows about, so logically, what she's referring to must be something else.

Atem can tell she's uncomfortable, defensive. He's not sure how to help with that; he doesn't know enough.]

If you don't want to go on, that's all right. Taking a break's okay, too. I haven't even invited you to sit down...you don't have to tell the story like that.

[Curled in on herself, against the wall. It won't make what happened to her any better, but it feels cold to Atem to discuss things like this without any concessions to her comfort in the here and now.]

[Dr. Morgenstern.

Yes, Atem will do it. Of course he will! It might be awkward, if the manticore's in, and Atem can't get the body to him through the other people who work there, but it's a simple dying request compared to please bring my body back to Egypt and have the proper rites done to it.]

I will.

[He doesn't know it yet, but he's just good as bound himself to do it: in this form, Atem absolutely will not break an agreement or go back on his word. Contracts are serious.]

I'll bring your body in safely...it won't cause anyone any trouble. You'll be taken care of.

[That kindness catches her a little off-guard, but not so much that she startles, this time. It's emotional vivisection, carefully slicing herself open and peeling layers back to help an observer understand how she works, why she's like this - stopping will just prolong it, and settling in more comfortably seems pointless. Being comfortable doesn't mean she's safe. Her entire life had been spent fighting for any scrap of comfort she ever had. She just shakes her head, expression tight. No use waiting. Get it out all at once.]

Right.
The Ultimates... they said we were supposed to be the future. But we were only there for them to study. That's why they were willing to take care of us for free.
To fund that - they made the Reserve course. If you weren't good enough to be invited, you could pay to attend. They said if a Main course student failed out or left, a Reserve might be able to take their spot. So - it got - really bad. There was a lot of bullying, and - a couple students were murdered on school grounds and they covered it up.

[The way she phrases this, it's obvious - she and Junko were not involved. If they had been the ones to kill these kids, she'd admit it. There's no point in hiding her involvement, not now. It turns out there's so much more the school did without any of their input.]

Junko - had a friend, when we were little. He became the Ultimate Neurologist. He was working on a way to remove memories, and Junko said - he could test it on her, if he'd let her use it later.
So he did. But he took - a lot more than they agreed. I thought it was an accident, but he did it on purpose, he thought - if he took away all her bad memories, it would - fix her. But that's - all we ever had. That's all we were. She couldn't remember anything. Not - n-not even - me.

[Telling, that their lives had both been so utterly miserable that removing bad memories meant deleting her entire sense of self.]

So - I pretended to be her, while he looked after her, so no one knew what happened. So we could all - stay. We needed him to fix it, and if I didn't - if I didn't cover for her, she might've been expelled, and then--

[And then what would they do? How could Mukuro protect her, when Junko didn't even remember who she was? When she was scared of her?]

Eventually he tried to kill her, because he thought - if he couldn't fix her, she must be too broken. She managed to get the knife from him... I found her with his corpse.
...The school knew. The whole time, what he was doing. They let him experiment on her, and other students, because they didn't care. He helped them lobotomize one of the Reserve course boys so they could try giving him talent artificially. They let us do whatever we wanted, if it was for our talents. So they could watch. And they'd cover up anything bad that happened.

Edited 2021-12-09 17:53 (UTC)

That's--!

[Alright. Alright, what the fuck. When Mukuro and Junko were trying to escape their situation any way they could, he understood, they were using what agency they had to claw their way out of something bad.

But this? This is a whole different ballgame. This isn't one set of parents making their children's lives miserable. This is fucked up human experimentation on both a personal and a large scale, this is powerful people taking advantage, this is --

This is people being tricked. This is people going to a school that promises them a future, and being used. Yes, Junko wanted to use the memory-erasing technology, but that doesn't mean the neurologist had the right to lie to her about what he'd erase. Fixing her...by taking away who she is...that's not giving her a choice, like the Mind Crush penalty game does. That's taking away her choices.

And the school...he understands school administrators just letting students do whatever they want, that's not so surprising, even covering up murder to preserve the school's reputation is something Atem can imagine at Domino High, that's pretty normal from people who look for jobs that give them power over students, but the whole thing being an experiment? Lobotomizing someone to give them Ultimate-talent?

Atem's expression is flat-out shocked, horrified, disgusted through this whole part of the story -- angry, even.

She couldn't remember anything, not even me.

Oh, fuck that guy. Fuck that school, which was designed for--]

They -- lured people to the school...for the sake of experimentation?

[That's what he chooses to ask about, rather than anything more tender to her; she's got open wounds she's showing him, and he won't touch them.]

Yes.
That's all they really wanted. They didn't care about us. Any of us.
That's what they really meant, when they'd say we were the hope of the future.

[Not that the kids themselves would grow up to make a difference. Maybe they would, but that wasn't the intent. That wasn't what the school was designed to do. It was all to better understand talent, so they could figure out how to insert it artificially.]

The school was government-funded, too.
Our leaders knew. The staff and teachers knew. They all knew because it was all just designed to use us.

[And that's what really broke Junko, in the end. It was just one thing too many on the pile of tragedies that was their life.]

So. She got really serious. About destroying it all.
That's - why.
That's why we did everything. Because the whole world was just designed to hurt us. So we let out their Ultimate Hope student, the one they lobotomized, and he joined us. Of his own free will. We gathered the student council, gave them weapons, told them kill or be kill - it was a slaughter and we barely did anything at all. Junko told everyone about it, and what the school had done, and that's - how the riots started. We didn't make anyone.

[Her voice is low, almost a growl. She's not trying to dodge responsibility - there's plenty of reasons to hate her, and she accepts them, but if Atem really wants to understand, there's a whole picture. It's greater than just "The Despair Sisters" as monstrous demons who singlehandedly destroyed the world. Even if that's all they'll be remembered as.]

I killed the Hope's Peak board. We brainwashed one of the teachers together. We killed one of Komaeda's classmates in front of the rest of them, so they'd despair too - and when they went out made everything worse, my class sheltered in the school. That's when Junko killed the headmaster and took their memories. And that's - how the killing game happened. She gave them motives, and they snapped and started killing each other.

[This, Atem will surely realize, is what Celeste had remembered and gotten so angry about. Justifiably so. Mukuro doesn't deny it. She hadn't lived to see most of the carnage, only one murder had happened before her own death. But she knows how it ended. How few of them were left. How Celeste was not among them.]

...We did bad things. But it all came down because of how they built it. It was our fault, but it wasn't just us.

Edited 2021-12-09 19:14 (UTC)

[That's why.]

That's why you took it down.

Because everyone in charge...was okay with what was happening to you. No one was going to stop it but you.

[There wasn't anyone to appeal to. No justice, besides what they made for themselves. And, with a past like that, he can understand why neither of them would believe in anything like that. Where she came from, the order that was established was twisted, harmful, a violent keeping of the peace. Bad order, not good.]

The riots really started because Junko told the public the truth about Hope's Peak?

[Because, if that's the case, Atem certainly gets that. That truth needed to get out. The people in power shouldn't have been in power.

The brainwashing....that, he can't get behind. He remembers Komaeda told him that Junko'd done her share of brainwashing -- killing one of their classmates to make them despair sounds like what Komaeda might have been referring to. But Atem's not here to get into an argument about their methods. Mukuro knows they were bad, that the cost was terrible. She just doesn't regret them, because the great, terrible machine that she used them against was worse.]

Yes.

[Her voice is low and tired, but not defensive. She doesn't need to be. She knows she's irredeemable, she isn't fighting to defend her image. Celeste has a standing invitation to kill Mukuro whenever she likes, if she ever wants to take her justified revenge.]

The Reserve students - tuition was really high. Their families were sacrificing - everything, to send them there, based on the school's reputation. Learning it was all a lie - that their money was being used for human experimentation, that the school was covering up atrocities, that all of it was meant to be that way - they wanted to tear it all down too.

[One mass text is all it took to start the school tearing itself apart. Funny. Or it would be if it weren't so unrelentingly awful.]

...Hope's Peak ran an elementary school, too.
They were running these experiments - on kids. Little kids. Not - not just us.

[This is where her voice starts to waver. The warriors. So hurt, so scared, convinced everything was hopeless. They hadn't even had a chance. And Junko gave that to them. She tried. Even with everything else, even ready to burn down the world and die along with it, she tried to give them a life.]

...That's - in the fog, you asked - if I was brainwashed. If that's why - I did what I did.
And that's why - I lost it, I think.
Junko - she was my sister. She was the only person who ever cared about me. And she was the only person who figured it all out, who realized it was all wrong, who tried to change things.
So if I had to - choose, between - killing people who never cared, who wanted to hurt us - or making her h-happy - how could I not--? Even if - what she wanted to do was awful, everything was, there wasn't a-anything I - it didn't matter.

[That's it, in the end. They were just as hopeless. In Despair. There is no one you can trust. There is nothing you can do to fix it. You're too broken to be fixed. The only thing you can do is embrace it, to immerse yourself in the agony - light the fuse yourself, so at least you know when it'll all come down.]

[His face twists.

Families sacrificing everything....experiments on elementary schoolers....

It had to go.

The cost, the lives of common people that were destroyed because of what happened...that should have been taken into consideration, and brainwashing Komaeda's class, making them dependent on Junko, was no good. Maybe there was another way. But Atem can't say for sure that there was. It's not his place to suggest that. Mukuro and Junko had had no one but each other; of course they weren't thinking about that kind of cost.

And he also can't say for sure that he wouldn't have done everything in his power to tear that place down, if it had hurt someone he cared about like that. If one person was his entire world, and everything was wrong but them, and that was what it took to protect what mattered to them...

He takes a seat, at one of the chairs at the little table not far from the door. It's not a submissive position exactly, but when one person is standing and the other is sitting, the sitting person reads as less of a threat. The way Atem sits isn't usual, either; he doesn't have his arms folded across his chest, back straight, staring down an opponent. He's leaned forward, not ready to fight. His wrists rest loosely on his knees, behind the blue-spikes he's had to work around for the last few days, and he looks up at Mukuro.]

What was done to you -- both of you -- was monstrous. None of it should have happened...but it did. I know there's parts of it I'm not getting, because I didn't live the way you had to, but I understand, as much as I can, what you were thinking, and why.

...

You don't have to explain why what I said made you mad. What I accused you of, while I was in that state...it'd have made anyone want to bite my head off!

[The turn of phrase that's usually a metaphor is used in a lighter tone here -- a joke, but not one that means he's taking the situation less seriously. Especially since his manner goes back to sober almost right away, as he goes on:]

It was out of line...and so was the spell I used. I'm sorry.

[A soft sigh escapes that she has to fight to get back, but fighting isn't so important anymore. She'll be safe and taken care of. She is safe and taken care of. The pitched keening is interrupted some by the sobs of a little girl, but there's a smile in her eyes as she tries to focus on him again. He seems so far away even though she can feel him right there, and it isn't until she tries to reach out to him again that she realizes at some point her arms had gone limp and fallen away.]

I'm h-happy...you're...

[She doesn't need to finish her sentence, probably, because he already knew, and surely even if she hadn't spoken at all he would have understood. Her words fade into panting, slow and strained until they become quick. A last bid for staying there a minute longer, because as much as she's accepted this, her body can't feel the same calm. It needs to keep her

eyes open

again as if from sleep, watching the ceiling for several moments to parse the haze in her brain from the fog that filled the air around her. It's Dyster. Molly is there at her side suddenly, surprised but pleased with her appearance since it doesn't know the reason why, and puzzling more over her new werewolf form than that, anyway. Ray can lift her arm again, so she indulges the probing critter with a few pets before she pushes herself up. The pain isn't there anymore, even if parts of her still feel dragged down. Drained of energy rather than blood.

Not too tired to go over to her desk to pull out a scrap of paper and a marker, of course. That's a priority! Confidently this time, Rachel draws the symbol again.]

Hi, Atem. I hope I didn't keep you waiting...though I'd like to think we can agree that I was the one more inconvenienced by this. Thank you for coming. My door to Dyster is actually on the way to La Forteresse, so I can meet you there?

[He can't answer, of course, but she gives a little wave at the eye -- that's how it works, right? She thinks so -- before putting a line through it and heading on out. They agreed to do something fun, so of course he'd agree to her proposal! How nice, to be able to see her very good boy so soon, and under better circumstances.]

Edited 2021-12-09 22:08 (UTC)

[If they had been more rational, more honorable, more like Atem - they would have done a better job. Mukuro knows, Junko was so smart, she could have figured something else out. But she'd wanted to cause as much damage as possible. She wanted everyone turning on each other, she wanted the system to tear itself apart, she wanted blood and ashes and utter despair. Because none of it was worth saving. Not to her, not anymore. She wanted everyone to finally understand how horrible everything was. She wanted them all to hurt like she did. It wasn't heroic, they were no avenging angels - it was revenge. Lashing out when stressed passed their breaking point, like a volcanic erupting wiping out civilization.

Junko wanted them all to suffer, and Mukuro would do anything she asked. Because Junko felt so much, too much, and Mukuro felt nothing at all.

She feels some of the tension ebb out of her as Atem sits. She isn't frightened of him, and she hadn't expected an attack - even explaining herself, she knows, wouldn't make him break his own moral code. He isn't a threat. But even so, it's hard to turn off those automatic defenses, especially when she's putting herself back in that mindset. And she knows it's intentional. Atem moves with purpose, and he's been clearly going out of his way to be careful with her.

Mukuro sighs, and finally lifts her eyes to his as he speaks. She doesn't smile, but her face softens just a bit.]

...Right.
It's - okay.

[He's forgiven. He wasn't himself, and neither was she.]

I'm not - a good person. I know that. I'm not trying to pretend that I was.
It wasn't - to fix things. It was to destroy it. All of it. Even if we didn't do that much directly, that was always the goal.
I get why an angel would want to fight me, too.

[A similarly lighter-toned response. She's not as curled in on herself and defensive, anymore. Her tail and ears are still low, but more a tired droop than tense pinning back. There are still things she didn't answer yet, though. She hasn't forgotten his questions, even if he doesn't mean them as intensely anymore.]

I don't regret most of what I did, even if I know it wasn't right. But - s-some - I do.
Hurting - our classmates. Celeste, Komaeda. And - the massacre at Giboura.
...It was a test.
Junko was - upset. That I left. So I had to - prove I was s-still - loyal, and - that I could do it.

[The lighter comment gets her a softening of the lines of his eyes, too. Guilty!

No, she's not a good person. She's a hurt person, a person with priorities not many can relate to. She did terrible things for reasons that weren't good. But she wasn't the worst person at work. And, asking her to be a good person after everything she'd been through...

...feels mean. It feels like expecting a horse that's been neglected and beaten all its life to agreeably pull a cart. A miraculous animal might do it, but that's not to be expected. It's got to be fed and cared for, first, and even when it's healthy again, it'll never be the same -- it's impressive if it doesn't bite through your hand. But it's got a right to live and be happy nonetheless.

Like this, Atem isn't worried about humans she kills. Monster killing is a Fog-caused problem, and whose life she decides to take ain't his business. So, his strongest impression, from knowing what she does regret, is that...she's really doing well, isn't she? There's not only one important person in Mukuro's life anymore. She has people who wouldn't ask her to massacre a class of middle schoolers to prove her loyalty. Who don't ask her to prove it.

Junko was the only one who cared about Mukuro back then, but there's something in the way Mukuro says upset that Atem doesn't like. He frowns a moment...but decides not to press. Not today. She's already given more than enough answers to him, more than he deserves from how he behaved. So he doesn't say, she shouldn't have asked you to do that. He doesn't say, it was wrong. He says--]

You didn't deserve to have your loyalty tested that way.

[But that's all he has to say about it. He'll move on, his face smoothing out.]

I'm glad you're not where you came from anymore. I need to find a way back to my world, for Yugi and Ryou, but there are people this place is good for. I'd have to be a real idiot not to understand that! If what would be waiting for me if I left was a place like you described...I'd live here gratefully, too.

[He's not looking for a way back for himself. Not really. He knows Yugi sends him away at the end, and he's not certain of how the time-mechanics work, exactly; it's unclear whether or not that can be changed, and Atem's not going to worry about it until he's solved the bigger problem, the one at hand. He might have even had more time here already than he would have if he'd never left Domino...]

[Her expression is - troubled, though, at what he does end up saying. 'Didn't deserve'... mm. She's not so sure. She left. It's her fault Junko ended up so twisted. If she'd stayed, maybe...

...Maybe, maybe, maybe. She's so tired.

His next words get another glance and little nod.]

Yeah.
I'm glad, too.
And - I don't want to stop anyone else from leaving. I know this place isn't - good for you. I know the rest of you don't deserve to have to hurt people.
I just - I don't want - to give up what I have here.

[It's selfish. She knows it is. But - it feels like one of the first things she's done, selfishly, for herself. Rather than for Junko. And maybe it's wrong, maybe it's bad, but - the life she has here has become so important to her. The people she has here are so, so precious. She isn't willing to just roll over for the sake of others who want to escape. Mukuro won't let anyone take this from her. Not anymore.

She takes a deep breath, releases it in a long sigh.]

And - like you said. It's not just me.

[Lila, but also Celeste, and even Riley, now. Rachel. Niina. There are lots of them, people whose lives were ruined or over where they came from, who found solace here.]

...I wish - She could - choose us. Really choose us, not just - reach for whoever's close enough.

[He'd argue, especially with his brain in this shape, that no, it absolutely wasn't Mukuro's fault. It was their parents' fault, for making home worse than the street. Junko made the choice to leave. And -- it was the fault of the people she met, for exploiting her instead of helping her.

But the demon-type power set doesn't come with mindreading, so Atem will settle for having said what he said.

This place...it isn't good for Atem, it's true. He can handle the part where he has to eat people. Especially as a vampire, what he has to do is fine...he could probably get by without killing anyone, with a circle of friends who are willing to let him live on their blood.

Only...he doesn't do that. Other monsters were dangerous, Atem learned that early. Not just to him, but to his friends. So, he...made himself cruel. He painted himself as the boogeyman in the dark, capable of atrocity, a monster among monsters, and he looked for people whose bodies he could prove it on. He went further than justice called for.

And besides that, Atem's luck's not been as good as his some of his friends' luck has, here. It's not even things he could have avoided, like Daniel and maybe the parasites -- he was pulled into the dollhouse, turned into a child, had Jounouchi burst from his head his first few weeks, stumbled across AM and Mukuro during last month's fog...very little goes by in Ryslig that doesn't catch him up in it.

The trees didn't catch him, though. Fuck those trees.

Seeing his friends who aren't well-suited to this place is hard, too. Ryou's trying his best, and Atem knows that strength, that ability to take care of himself, is what he wants. But Ryou's luck isn't good, either...

No, it's not good for him. But he would never, ever sacrifice the lives other monsters have built in Ryslig so that he and his friends could go back. Sacrificing allies is something Atem refuses to compromise on. He nods.]

Yes. If she picked people who were suited to living here, who needed the second chance...then she'd be practically unopposed in the god war.

[Elias wouldn't have much pull at all.

So...Atem doesn't think that's something that's going to happen. The two sides need to fight each other, to keep monsters divided, so they can't put all their abilities together and work toward finding answers, and an escape.

It's a nice thought, though.]

[He knows she's going to get better. He knows it won't be long.

Atem can't...say, for sure, whether that makes it easier or not. No one's died in his arms that he knows will be gone for good, so...there's nothing to compare it to, really.

The pain, though. He knows death hurts. Your body's not meant to shut down. There's warning systems in place, to tell you something's wrong, fix it, fix it, fix it even when there's nothing you can do...the whining's so helpless, and he's so helpless to do anything about it, besides gently touch the top of her head, hold her where she is, listen to her breathing turn fast as her body clings to life as his own chest feels terribly, terribly empty--

--and then she's gone. She's still warm, but she's gone. What is Ray Gardner isn't in this body anymore. It's flown away. He finishes her sentence for her--]

...here.

[Atem touches her eyes, and her mouth. He freed souls that way as a nephilim. As a demon, it's a little like that, only his hand goes down the open throat and pulls it out by force.

That doesn't happen here.

He's just gotten his arm hooked behind her knees and his other arm around her shoulders, pushing himself up onto his hooves when her second message comes in. Atem's head perks up, and so do his pointed ears, as though they might be able to hear her better if they reach.

Ah! She's back already...? She wasn't kidding...that was fast!

His wings unfurl, catching a few wingbeats of air, before his goat feet launch him forward, and he gets the air pressure difference he needs to take off from a run. La Forteresse...he'll bring her old self to the morgue there, then. Better get a move on -- Atem's all the way outside the city, and it won't do to keep Ray waiting, either!]

Edited 2021-12-11 02:42 (UTC)

[There are perks to following a god here, as much trouble as it can be, and nearly-instant resurrection is one of the ones Ray's been granted. Too bad she still feels pretty rough, having to stop to take breaks on her walk. Even then, she's making better time than she ever did as a slime, and it's wonderful to not wonder what she was just doing, since she's operating outside of her usual routine. She doesn't have to carry any notebooks or post-it notes with her. She can just think, and it makes her feel free to do that again. It also means that without those sharp pulses of pain, Ray can puzzle out what happened with a fair bit of confidence.

By the time she comes upon the prison, her odd but fulfilling workplace, the little werewolf is back to panting. Thank goodness she isn't having to run for her life these days...! It's good to know that dying makes you feel so awful even if you aren't immediately dunked into your monster type's weakness, though. She wasn't planning on it being a habit, especially with the value she put on her memories, but the more she knew, the better off she'd be in the future. She could prepare. That's just another little thing despite her tiredness to put her in a good, determined mood.

The main thing, the thing that gets her ears to perk up and her tail to give a minute wag of muted joy, is when she spots Atem again. That's her boy! Her boy that came for her! Her boy that was very warm, which was good because she doesn't actually have any other clothes besides what she's wearing, and they didn't magically become weather-appropriate with her return to life! She's eternally grateful to have her sweater back, at least... Note to self: borrow winter clothes from Reira or go shopping for outfits she couldn't use 95% of the time.]

Atem...! [She's just a pup happily trotting up on two legs to someone she likes. Hello! Oof, let her catch her breath again, wow breathing is kind of nice!]

Ho ho ho! Merry freaking Christmas!

Your Secret Santa recipient this year is Joshua Kiryu. I've got no other information, so consider this a scavenger hunt. Please buy, make, or otherwise procure him a nice gift before December 26! You can give this directly, or label it clearly and drop it off at Crowe Clinic C/O Hawkeye Pierce.

Remember: Saint Nick is watching, and he knows where you live!

Happy Holidays, etcetera, and so forth,
Santa Claus

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