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knifemonopoly) wrote2021-02-05 06:28 pm
knifemonopoly) wrote2021-02-05 06:28 pm
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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, PLAYER1. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 10.11.0.0.01 *** PLAYER1 has joined 10.11.0.0.01 <PLAYER1> If you're looking for someone you knew as Yugi before June, you've found him! It's Atem, leave a message. | ||||
cw: Hope's Peak Elementary, general Despair mindset
[Her voice is low and tired, but not defensive. She doesn't need to be. She knows she's irredeemable, she isn't fighting to defend her image. Celeste has a standing invitation to kill Mukuro whenever she likes, if she ever wants to take her justified revenge.]
The Reserve students - tuition was really high. Their families were sacrificing - everything, to send them there, based on the school's reputation. Learning it was all a lie - that their money was being used for human experimentation, that the school was covering up atrocities, that all of it was meant to be that way - they wanted to tear it all down too.
[One mass text is all it took to start the school tearing itself apart. Funny. Or it would be if it weren't so unrelentingly awful.]
...Hope's Peak ran an elementary school, too.
They were running these experiments - on kids. Little kids. Not - not just us.
[This is where her voice starts to waver. The warriors. So hurt, so scared, convinced everything was hopeless. They hadn't even had a chance. And Junko gave that to them. She tried. Even with everything else, even ready to burn down the world and die along with it, she tried to give them a life.]
...That's - in the fog, you asked - if I was brainwashed. If that's why - I did what I did.
And that's why - I lost it, I think.
Junko - she was my sister. She was the only person who ever cared about me. And she was the only person who figured it all out, who realized it was all wrong, who tried to change things.
So if I had to - choose, between - killing people who never cared, who wanted to hurt us - or making her h-happy - how could I not--? Even if - what she wanted to do was awful, everything was, there wasn't a-anything I - it didn't matter.
[That's it, in the end. They were just as hopeless. In Despair. There is no one you can trust. There is nothing you can do to fix it. You're too broken to be fixed. The only thing you can do is embrace it, to immerse yourself in the agony - light the fuse yourself, so at least you know when it'll all come down.]
no subject
Families sacrificing everything....experiments on elementary schoolers....
It had to go.
The cost, the lives of common people that were destroyed because of what happened...that should have been taken into consideration, and brainwashing Komaeda's class, making them dependent on Junko, was no good. Maybe there was another way. But Atem can't say for sure that there was. It's not his place to suggest that. Mukuro and Junko had had no one but each other; of course they weren't thinking about that kind of cost.
And he also can't say for sure that he wouldn't have done everything in his power to tear that place down, if it had hurt someone he cared about like that. If one person was his entire world, and everything was wrong but them, and that was what it took to protect what mattered to them...
He takes a seat, at one of the chairs at the little table not far from the door. It's not a submissive position exactly, but when one person is standing and the other is sitting, the sitting person reads as less of a threat. The way Atem sits isn't usual, either; he doesn't have his arms folded across his chest, back straight, staring down an opponent. He's leaned forward, not ready to fight. His wrists rest loosely on his knees, behind the blue-spikes he's had to work around for the last few days, and he looks up at Mukuro.]
What was done to you -- both of you -- was monstrous. None of it should have happened...but it did. I know there's parts of it I'm not getting, because I didn't live the way you had to, but I understand, as much as I can, what you were thinking, and why.
...
You don't have to explain why what I said made you mad. What I accused you of, while I was in that state...it'd have made anyone want to bite my head off!
[The turn of phrase that's usually a metaphor is used in a lighter tone here -- a joke, but not one that means he's taking the situation less seriously. Especially since his manner goes back to sober almost right away, as he goes on:]
It was out of line...and so was the spell I used. I'm sorry.
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Junko wanted them all to suffer, and Mukuro would do anything she asked. Because Junko felt so much, too much, and Mukuro felt nothing at all.
She feels some of the tension ebb out of her as Atem sits. She isn't frightened of him, and she hadn't expected an attack - even explaining herself, she knows, wouldn't make him break his own moral code. He isn't a threat. But even so, it's hard to turn off those automatic defenses, especially when she's putting herself back in that mindset. And she knows it's intentional. Atem moves with purpose, and he's been clearly going out of his way to be careful with her.
Mukuro sighs, and finally lifts her eyes to his as he speaks. She doesn't smile, but her face softens just a bit.]
...Right.
It's - okay.
[He's forgiven. He wasn't himself, and neither was she.]
I'm not - a good person. I know that. I'm not trying to pretend that I was.
It wasn't - to fix things. It was to destroy it. All of it. Even if we didn't do that much directly, that was always the goal.
I get why an angel would want to fight me, too.
[A similarly lighter-toned response. She's not as curled in on herself and defensive, anymore. Her tail and ears are still low, but more a tired droop than tense pinning back. There are still things she didn't answer yet, though. She hasn't forgotten his questions, even if he doesn't mean them as intensely anymore.]
I don't regret most of what I did, even if I know it wasn't right. But - s-some - I do.
Hurting - our classmates. Celeste, Komaeda. And - the massacre at Giboura.
...It was a test.
Junko was - upset. That I left. So I had to - prove I was s-still - loyal, and - that I could do it.
no subject
No, she's not a good person. She's a hurt person, a person with priorities not many can relate to. She did terrible things for reasons that weren't good. But she wasn't the worst person at work. And, asking her to be a good person after everything she'd been through...
...feels mean. It feels like expecting a horse that's been neglected and beaten all its life to agreeably pull a cart. A miraculous animal might do it, but that's not to be expected. It's got to be fed and cared for, first, and even when it's healthy again, it'll never be the same -- it's impressive if it doesn't bite through your hand. But it's got a right to live and be happy nonetheless.
Like this, Atem isn't worried about humans she kills. Monster killing is a Fog-caused problem, and whose life she decides to take ain't his business. So, his strongest impression, from knowing what she does regret, is that...she's really doing well, isn't she? There's not only one important person in Mukuro's life anymore. She has people who wouldn't ask her to massacre a class of middle schoolers to prove her loyalty. Who don't ask her to prove it.
Junko was the only one who cared about Mukuro back then, but there's something in the way Mukuro says upset that Atem doesn't like. He frowns a moment...but decides not to press. Not today. She's already given more than enough answers to him, more than he deserves from how he behaved. So he doesn't say, she shouldn't have asked you to do that. He doesn't say, it was wrong. He says--]
You didn't deserve to have your loyalty tested that way.
[But that's all he has to say about it. He'll move on, his face smoothing out.]
I'm glad you're not where you came from anymore. I need to find a way back to my world, for Yugi and Ryou, but there are people this place is good for. I'd have to be a real idiot not to understand that! If what would be waiting for me if I left was a place like you described...I'd live here gratefully, too.
[He's not looking for a way back for himself. Not really. He knows Yugi sends him away at the end, and he's not certain of how the time-mechanics work, exactly; it's unclear whether or not that can be changed, and Atem's not going to worry about it until he's solved the bigger problem, the one at hand. He might have even had more time here already than he would have if he'd never left Domino...]
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...Maybe, maybe, maybe. She's so tired.
His next words get another glance and little nod.]
Yeah.
I'm glad, too.
And - I don't want to stop anyone else from leaving. I know this place isn't - good for you. I know the rest of you don't deserve to have to hurt people.
I just - I don't want - to give up what I have here.
[It's selfish. She knows it is. But - it feels like one of the first things she's done, selfishly, for herself. Rather than for Junko. And maybe it's wrong, maybe it's bad, but - the life she has here has become so important to her. The people she has here are so, so precious. She isn't willing to just roll over for the sake of others who want to escape. Mukuro won't let anyone take this from her. Not anymore.
She takes a deep breath, releases it in a long sigh.]
And - like you said. It's not just me.
[Lila, but also Celeste, and even Riley, now. Rachel. Niina. There are lots of them, people whose lives were ruined or over where they came from, who found solace here.]
...I wish - She could - choose us. Really choose us, not just - reach for whoever's close enough.
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But the demon-type power set doesn't come with mindreading, so Atem will settle for having said what he said.
This place...it isn't good for Atem, it's true. He can handle the part where he has to eat people. Especially as a vampire, what he has to do is fine...he could probably get by without killing anyone, with a circle of friends who are willing to let him live on their blood.
Only...he doesn't do that. Other monsters were dangerous, Atem learned that early. Not just to him, but to his friends. So, he...made himself cruel. He painted himself as the boogeyman in the dark, capable of atrocity, a monster among monsters, and he looked for people whose bodies he could prove it on. He went further than justice called for.
And besides that, Atem's luck's not been as good as his some of his friends' luck has, here. It's not even things he could have avoided, like Daniel and maybe the parasites -- he was pulled into the dollhouse, turned into a child, had Jounouchi burst from his head his first few weeks, stumbled across AM and Mukuro during last month's fog...very little goes by in Ryslig that doesn't catch him up in it.
The trees didn't catch him, though. Fuck those trees.
Seeing his friends who aren't well-suited to this place is hard, too. Ryou's trying his best, and Atem knows that strength, that ability to take care of himself, is what he wants. But Ryou's luck isn't good, either...
No, it's not good for him. But he would never, ever sacrifice the lives other monsters have built in Ryslig so that he and his friends could go back. Sacrificing allies is something Atem refuses to compromise on. He nods.]
Yes. If she picked people who were suited to living here, who needed the second chance...then she'd be practically unopposed in the god war.
[Elias wouldn't have much pull at all.
So...Atem doesn't think that's something that's going to happen. The two sides need to fight each other, to keep monsters divided, so they can't put all their abilities together and work toward finding answers, and an escape.
It's a nice thought, though.]
no subject
His comment is - interesting. She wasn't thinking about the war at all. Honestly, Elias seems like more of an annoyance than a true threat, and his side is outnumbered even as it is. She'd been thinking of it purely in terms of emotions, whereas it seems like - Atem thinks about it like pieces on a board. It's not an unfamiliar mindset, nor is it one that disturbs her, obviously, it'd take a lot to weird Mukuro out. But it's distinctive. Especially considering he's neutral, and in theory has less of a stake in the god war than she ought to as a high-level follower.
She glances his way, quietly observing for a moment. Thinks about what he'd said on the roof after they'd ripped Fabius Bile to pieces. Thinks about his username, and the way he likes to play with his food.
Hm.]
...Yeah.
[Atem treats this like a game. That doesn't mean he isn't serious - he is very serious about the rules he follows, and emotion plays a big part in his moves. But it's all grand strategy nevertheless.
But right now, at least, it doesn't matter. Just another facet of him she'll be keeping in mind. A breath in, a soft sigh out, and she continues, in her low, even voice.]
Is there - anything else. That you wanted to know.
[It's fine, if he thinks of something later. This isn't the last conversation they'll ever have. It's just finally building them a foundation.]
no subject
Funnily, Atem might not have paid this much attention to the machinations of the gods if he weren't so sure the place was a game. If he were just thrown into having to live something that was clearly just a life, without direction....he might have paid about as much mind to the Fog and the Fourth as he did to politicians back home, which is to say, barely a thought.
But these gods exist for a purpose that's directly relevant to the monster player-characters. They exist to empower, and to motivate, and to divide. And, with Elias's recent use of EMPs to slow monster transformations, and the Fog faction's response....Atem smells escalation. He thinks Elias is testing his anti-Fog powers. Even though Atem doesn't think the guy is particularly competent, the EMPs were the biggest move Atem's seen Elias make.
He thinks more is coming. That's what Atem would do, if he were on the losing side of a war. He'd increase his arsenal, and he'd recruit.
But that doesn't matter right now. Right now, the picture is smaller than that, just him and Mukuro, in apartment 806, talking about something difficult.]
Just one thing.
[He doesn't ask like he's demanding an answer. But she asked, "is there anything else you want to know," and the truth of the matter is...]
Junko Enoshima...
[His brows furrow.]
...I want to know -- if she treated you well.
[She should have. Atem would have. Yugi would have. If he had one person whose whole world he was, a protector who was his strongest ally, he'd have held them close to his heart, kept them his with love, trusting their loyalty instead of testing it...
...but his experiences taught him different lessons than Junko's did.]
cw: abusive relationships, self-harm, and mukuro's skewed sense of self-worth
That's such a difficult question to answer.
She looks down at the floor, quiet and unsure. A few moments tick past as she considers before she's able to speak again, voice soft.]
...She's the only person who ever did.
But n-not - always.
[She didn't blame her for it, ever. She never fought back or even objected. Mukuro existed for Junko, only. If that's how she could be of use to her - if protecting her meant taking all the poison and fury Junko needed to vent at a safe target - she'd do it. Gladly. She could take it. She'd had worse; much, much worse from people she cared less about. If it was for Junko...
She swallows, murmurs, an echo of what she'd once said to Lila.]
She loved me, and I loved her, and I'd do - anything. Anything she needed me to.
If she needed me to hurt someone else, I would. If she needed to hurt me, I'd let her.
It didn't - matter. Not to me.
If it helped - if it stopped her from hurting herself - I was okay with it.
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He was afraid that was the case.
But that's another open wound, one too messy for him to sew up, even if his fingers weren't too dirty, too clumsy, for the task.
He lets it be.]
Thank you for telling me all this. You didn't have to...but I'm glad you did.
[His eyes flick up, red on black, beneath a non-functional eye-shaped pattern of scales on his forehead. The eye motif is similar to the nephilim, but not the same, not at all.]
There's nothing I can answer for you in return, is there?
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...Thank you for - listening.
[It feels inadequate to explain what she actually means, what she's actually feeling - but it's the core of it. Being listened to, really listened to, is still such an unfamiliar sensation for her. And Atem caring enough to want to know, not so he could hurt her with it, but so he could avoid that - that's similarly incredible.
If he'd wanted to kill her, she'd have understood. She wouldn't have let him, but she'd have gotten it.
As for his question... she isn't sure. His life is a bit of a mystery, but - well, she'd gotten to know him when he was small. She feels like she understands him pretty well, by now. He cares a lot about his friends, about what's right - but he's getting better about understanding nuance. She knows if he were to lose patience with her and try to take her out, she'd have fair warning. She knows he won't try to spread rumors or anything, he isn't underhanded like that.
More than anything, she thinks, what she needs to know is:]
...If - If Junko ever appears here. And you see her first.
Will you tell me, before you do anything.
no subject
Junko drowns the people close to her, because she herself has been made into something that sinks.
Maybe Ryslig's system is one that deserves to be torn down, too. The Fog God, holding so tight to her own pain and hate that she may never be satisfied with the number of humans dead at her hands, humans who turn to magic and poaching parts and desperate faith in twisted cults, Elias who was given inhuman power and whose motives aren't yet clear to Atem but who is either too incompetent to spot torture by his own followers or too evil to care, and monsters, monsters, turned against one another, put through the grinder month after month, more and more brought in half a dozen times a year to ensure the fear, the pain, is always fresh --
...no, Mukuro deserves his full attention, Atem can't get in his own head about this, about what-ifs. Atem can't allow this ship to sink. There are people on the S.S. Ryslig that need it to be stable to live, and Mukuro cares about their wellbeing, cares in a way she didn't about anyone in her own world. Mukuro has an interest, Atem would wager, in keeping the boat upright, and if Junko were to arrive...]
I can promise you that.
[A glow appears in his eyes, briefly. It's a subtle effect, since the lights in here are bright, and so is the red of his irises. But it's like they're embers, and someone blew on them; light reflects a moment off the gold scales on his forehead.]
I can't say I won't do anything at all, no matter what...
...but I won't attack her on sight. I'll make sure you know...and, as long as I think it's best for us all, I'll follow your lead, in responding to her.
[Because as long as he and Mukuro care about the same people, there's wisdom in letting Mukuro take point. Atem won't assume he knows Junko better than Mukuro does, or will know best how to handle her. That's arrogance even he doesn't have. Mukuro's regret is that she couldn't save her sister...
...so, until Atem's hand is forced by an active threat, an immediate danger, he won't move.]
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Mukuro doesn't fear demons. No monster type is inherently bad, and she's been in very close contact with a demon since her arrival here. Like all species, the person is what's important, not the type. And she knows she can trust Atem's word, no matter what creature he's become.]
...Okay. Thank you.
[That's all she can possibly ask for. Making Atem promise never to act - it's just not realistic, and even if it was... she doesn't want to. Mukuro doesn't want blind obedience or comforting lies. She just wants a chance. Because that's what being here is, for people like them. A second chance. And even if Junko never believed things could be better... they are, here. Mukuro herself is proof of that. And - knowing Atem will at least give her the space to try is important, but so is knowing he'll act if he has to. In case Mukuro can't. Someone will be there. Someone will be able to protect their friends, even if she's too weak.
Because even if she falls, she doesn't want any of the rest of them hurt.]
...Really. I - mm. I thought - I don't know. I expected worse.
no subject
[His mouth pulls into a grin -- a wry one, but one with enough true humor in it that it isn't mean. It's a "I am a powerfully magical motherfucker who's usually with it but also who's been a bit of a judgmental douchebag lately and we both know it" grin. A very specific mood.
He sobers a moment later, though.]
Someone I know here hurt my friends very badly, back home. He's the combined spirits of a wronged tomb robber and a god of chaos, if that tells you anything...he's been killing, taking souls, causing trouble, for a very long time.
I trust him completely.
[Shit's wild, man. Ryslig doesn't always change you for the worse.]
Usually, I can stay focused on what matters, around here. When I'm not up my own feathery ass!
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His final comment, at least, gets a tired little smile. It's brief and exhausted, but nevertheless.
A win for Atem.]
...Yeah.
If it helps... it wasn't because I expected bad from you. It's just - I know - what I am. You know...?
[Even if she has reasons, she's still a bad person, and he thinks of himself as a justice-keeper.]
no subject
Anyway--]
You know what you are when you're in some of the worst circumstances anyone can imagine, [he amends.]
Now that you're not...it's not the same, is it? If you were deciding on your own to kill by the classroomful, I doubt we would be friends! But what you're choosing to do, now that you can make the choice for yourself...none of it's seemed bad to me.
[He doesnt have a problem with any of Mukuro's current choices. Not going after Danny, or the bombing, or even how she chooses her feeding targets. That's something about this place that Atem has trouble swallowing, in any form but demon; he has to live with the fact that they're all bullies unless they're terribly careful, putting work into hunting that a lot aren't willing or able to do, using their strength and power that makes them all almost untouchable to do whatever they want, without consequences.
But trying to police that....that way lies madness. It's better to accept that it's none of his business. That what matters is that they eat at all, instead of going on a starvation rampage. Everyone has to find a way to eat that they can live with. Atem can't choose it for them, not any more than he can achieve anyone's win conditions for them either.
As a demon, it just doesn't seem important. All monster murders are the Fog's fault anyway. She put them in the conductor's seat, set the trolley schedule, and tied the victims to the track. No point getting mad at the conductor about picking a different route than Atem would have.]
What you're capable of in your worst moments, when the world around you's pushed you, hurt you, scared you...that's never all you are.
[Which is why his tests have to be fair. Now that he's actively hunting, Atem has to be sure the vice is hurtful, not just a response to hurt. It has to be present when the person is comfortable and confident. And, ugh, it is so much work! Taako was right.]
no subject
A soft, slow blink.
He's - right. She'd say the same thing if it were someone else, if it were Riley, but - that is all Mukuro's ever been. Her entire life was nothing but worst moments. And she'd been thinking of it as - proof, that she was destined to be this. That she'd survived because she was always a monster, and that maybe it wouldn't have awoken in her if not for circumstance, but it was always, always there.
Komaeda had said they had to try to do better. Even if they were what they were. And Mukuro hadn't thought she could, but do better isn't the same as be better, so at least it had felt possible. And Atem's saying he sees it. That she has been.
That they're friends.
It takes a second for her to be able to speak again, to swallow down the tightness in her throat and blink away the stinging in her eyes.]
...Yeah.
I've been - trying.
[Very, very quietly. It's not something she likes to admit, it's not safe to make yourself so vulnerable. Trying just means it's going to hurt worse when you inevitably fail, that's what she's always known, and it definitely had felt like that after the bombing. When she'd tried so hard to be careful, despite the maddening pain and how easy it would've been not to, and was still decried as nothing more than a violent, mindless servant of the Fog. But some people had seen otherwise, and not just fellow monsters like her. Maya. Horatio. Atem, apparently.
So maybe it's okay to say so, to him.]