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knifemonopoly) wrote2021-02-05 06:28 pm
knifemonopoly) wrote2021-02-05 06:28 pm
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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, PLAYER1. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 10.11.0.0.01 *** PLAYER1 has joined 10.11.0.0.01 <PLAYER1> If you're looking for someone you knew as Yugi before June, you've found him! It's Atem, leave a message. | ||||
cw: abusive relationships, self-harm, and mukuro's skewed sense of self-worth
That's such a difficult question to answer.
She looks down at the floor, quiet and unsure. A few moments tick past as she considers before she's able to speak again, voice soft.]
...She's the only person who ever did.
But n-not - always.
[She didn't blame her for it, ever. She never fought back or even objected. Mukuro existed for Junko, only. If that's how she could be of use to her - if protecting her meant taking all the poison and fury Junko needed to vent at a safe target - she'd do it. Gladly. She could take it. She'd had worse; much, much worse from people she cared less about. If it was for Junko...
She swallows, murmurs, an echo of what she'd once said to Lila.]
She loved me, and I loved her, and I'd do - anything. Anything she needed me to.
If she needed me to hurt someone else, I would. If she needed to hurt me, I'd let her.
It didn't - matter. Not to me.
If it helped - if it stopped her from hurting herself - I was okay with it.
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He was afraid that was the case.
But that's another open wound, one too messy for him to sew up, even if his fingers weren't too dirty, too clumsy, for the task.
He lets it be.]
Thank you for telling me all this. You didn't have to...but I'm glad you did.
[His eyes flick up, red on black, beneath a non-functional eye-shaped pattern of scales on his forehead. The eye motif is similar to the nephilim, but not the same, not at all.]
There's nothing I can answer for you in return, is there?
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...Thank you for - listening.
[It feels inadequate to explain what she actually means, what she's actually feeling - but it's the core of it. Being listened to, really listened to, is still such an unfamiliar sensation for her. And Atem caring enough to want to know, not so he could hurt her with it, but so he could avoid that - that's similarly incredible.
If he'd wanted to kill her, she'd have understood. She wouldn't have let him, but she'd have gotten it.
As for his question... she isn't sure. His life is a bit of a mystery, but - well, she'd gotten to know him when he was small. She feels like she understands him pretty well, by now. He cares a lot about his friends, about what's right - but he's getting better about understanding nuance. She knows if he were to lose patience with her and try to take her out, she'd have fair warning. She knows he won't try to spread rumors or anything, he isn't underhanded like that.
More than anything, she thinks, what she needs to know is:]
...If - If Junko ever appears here. And you see her first.
Will you tell me, before you do anything.
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Junko drowns the people close to her, because she herself has been made into something that sinks.
Maybe Ryslig's system is one that deserves to be torn down, too. The Fog God, holding so tight to her own pain and hate that she may never be satisfied with the number of humans dead at her hands, humans who turn to magic and poaching parts and desperate faith in twisted cults, Elias who was given inhuman power and whose motives aren't yet clear to Atem but who is either too incompetent to spot torture by his own followers or too evil to care, and monsters, monsters, turned against one another, put through the grinder month after month, more and more brought in half a dozen times a year to ensure the fear, the pain, is always fresh --
...no, Mukuro deserves his full attention, Atem can't get in his own head about this, about what-ifs. Atem can't allow this ship to sink. There are people on the S.S. Ryslig that need it to be stable to live, and Mukuro cares about their wellbeing, cares in a way she didn't about anyone in her own world. Mukuro has an interest, Atem would wager, in keeping the boat upright, and if Junko were to arrive...]
I can promise you that.
[A glow appears in his eyes, briefly. It's a subtle effect, since the lights in here are bright, and so is the red of his irises. But it's like they're embers, and someone blew on them; light reflects a moment off the gold scales on his forehead.]
I can't say I won't do anything at all, no matter what...
...but I won't attack her on sight. I'll make sure you know...and, as long as I think it's best for us all, I'll follow your lead, in responding to her.
[Because as long as he and Mukuro care about the same people, there's wisdom in letting Mukuro take point. Atem won't assume he knows Junko better than Mukuro does, or will know best how to handle her. That's arrogance even he doesn't have. Mukuro's regret is that she couldn't save her sister...
...so, until Atem's hand is forced by an active threat, an immediate danger, he won't move.]
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Mukuro doesn't fear demons. No monster type is inherently bad, and she's been in very close contact with a demon since her arrival here. Like all species, the person is what's important, not the type. And she knows she can trust Atem's word, no matter what creature he's become.]
...Okay. Thank you.
[That's all she can possibly ask for. Making Atem promise never to act - it's just not realistic, and even if it was... she doesn't want to. Mukuro doesn't want blind obedience or comforting lies. She just wants a chance. Because that's what being here is, for people like them. A second chance. And even if Junko never believed things could be better... they are, here. Mukuro herself is proof of that. And - knowing Atem will at least give her the space to try is important, but so is knowing he'll act if he has to. In case Mukuro can't. Someone will be there. Someone will be able to protect their friends, even if she's too weak.
Because even if she falls, she doesn't want any of the rest of them hurt.]
...Really. I - mm. I thought - I don't know. I expected worse.
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[His mouth pulls into a grin -- a wry one, but one with enough true humor in it that it isn't mean. It's a "I am a powerfully magical motherfucker who's usually with it but also who's been a bit of a judgmental douchebag lately and we both know it" grin. A very specific mood.
He sobers a moment later, though.]
Someone I know here hurt my friends very badly, back home. He's the combined spirits of a wronged tomb robber and a god of chaos, if that tells you anything...he's been killing, taking souls, causing trouble, for a very long time.
I trust him completely.
[Shit's wild, man. Ryslig doesn't always change you for the worse.]
Usually, I can stay focused on what matters, around here. When I'm not up my own feathery ass!
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His final comment, at least, gets a tired little smile. It's brief and exhausted, but nevertheless.
A win for Atem.]
...Yeah.
If it helps... it wasn't because I expected bad from you. It's just - I know - what I am. You know...?
[Even if she has reasons, she's still a bad person, and he thinks of himself as a justice-keeper.]
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Anyway--]
You know what you are when you're in some of the worst circumstances anyone can imagine, [he amends.]
Now that you're not...it's not the same, is it? If you were deciding on your own to kill by the classroomful, I doubt we would be friends! But what you're choosing to do, now that you can make the choice for yourself...none of it's seemed bad to me.
[He doesnt have a problem with any of Mukuro's current choices. Not going after Danny, or the bombing, or even how she chooses her feeding targets. That's something about this place that Atem has trouble swallowing, in any form but demon; he has to live with the fact that they're all bullies unless they're terribly careful, putting work into hunting that a lot aren't willing or able to do, using their strength and power that makes them all almost untouchable to do whatever they want, without consequences.
But trying to police that....that way lies madness. It's better to accept that it's none of his business. That what matters is that they eat at all, instead of going on a starvation rampage. Everyone has to find a way to eat that they can live with. Atem can't choose it for them, not any more than he can achieve anyone's win conditions for them either.
As a demon, it just doesn't seem important. All monster murders are the Fog's fault anyway. She put them in the conductor's seat, set the trolley schedule, and tied the victims to the track. No point getting mad at the conductor about picking a different route than Atem would have.]
What you're capable of in your worst moments, when the world around you's pushed you, hurt you, scared you...that's never all you are.
[Which is why his tests have to be fair. Now that he's actively hunting, Atem has to be sure the vice is hurtful, not just a response to hurt. It has to be present when the person is comfortable and confident. And, ugh, it is so much work! Taako was right.]
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A soft, slow blink.
He's - right. She'd say the same thing if it were someone else, if it were Riley, but - that is all Mukuro's ever been. Her entire life was nothing but worst moments. And she'd been thinking of it as - proof, that she was destined to be this. That she'd survived because she was always a monster, and that maybe it wouldn't have awoken in her if not for circumstance, but it was always, always there.
Komaeda had said they had to try to do better. Even if they were what they were. And Mukuro hadn't thought she could, but do better isn't the same as be better, so at least it had felt possible. And Atem's saying he sees it. That she has been.
That they're friends.
It takes a second for her to be able to speak again, to swallow down the tightness in her throat and blink away the stinging in her eyes.]
...Yeah.
I've been - trying.
[Very, very quietly. It's not something she likes to admit, it's not safe to make yourself so vulnerable. Trying just means it's going to hurt worse when you inevitably fail, that's what she's always known, and it definitely had felt like that after the bombing. When she'd tried so hard to be careful, despite the maddening pain and how easy it would've been not to, and was still decried as nothing more than a violent, mindless servant of the Fog. But some people had seen otherwise, and not just fellow monsters like her. Maya. Horatio. Atem, apparently.
So maybe it's okay to say so, to him.]