He always listens, doesn't he? Whatever Atem has to say, and he always has a lot to say...it's always allowed. Ryou always tries to work around it, to make the logic of it all make sense for Atem.
He speaks in game talk, because that's what Atem understands. That's what he's speaking in now, without ever understanding what Ryou feels, or what he wants to say, because it all has to be couched in a game.
For the King of Games. The one who always has to be at the top of the heap. He has to be better. He wants to be a pharaoh more than he wants to be a friend, even after everything, doesn't he?
Ryou can't let it slide though, what Atem had said. It had struck like a dagger, lancing through his heart, twisting his insides until he's sure he might be sick.]
What have I ever given up for your sake?
[Ryou gives a breathless laugh.]
Everything. I killed you, nearly risked possession to claw a parasite out of you. I gave my ability to feel, to try and take your pain of death.
I gave you my attention, whenever I thought you needed it, tried to help, whenever I could, when you looked as if you might break. And then when you did, my first thought when I woke up in an alleyway after being killed wasn't to get home and recover from post-death sickness. It was to find you, treat you, until you came back from what had been done to you! A terrible thing was done to you! I stood by your side until I could change it, but...I guess because I was scared, that doesn't amount to much, right?
I defended you on the network, during the broadcast. I defended you...when Aether told you that you deserved to be tortured. That didn't matter either, then, because I was defending someone who didn't want to be defended, but wants to rail about it now.
I took care of you last December, when the bugs got into your head, too, if you might recall.
And I supported you...rising in the ranks. I got our friends together to find you when you were blind. I guarded you when you were disadvantaged. I tried to make you happy...
[Ryou can't say any of this without emotion. He's very upset, and very offended to know that his gestures would never amount to anything, because he wasn't playing the game right.
Atem could tell him all he wanted, that he'd respect what Ryou chose, and did...but in the end...]
...I...
[He wants to be strong, to defend himself. He does. But it won't matter.
Atem has always been better at rebuttals. Ryou just stands there, trying his hardest not to cry and failing miserably.
Ryou shakes his head unable to help the pain he feels at Atem's words. It's not the kind that's felt when you're set on fire, or the kind you feel when someone litters your body with slow, agonizing cuts.
It's the kind you feel, when you realize that your lover's decided you're nothing but a spiked wall that he's been punching, over and over, hoping it'll turn into something softer, and never really achieving it.
This is the first time, Ryou thinks, that he's being blamed for something that's not his fault and he actually doesn't want to be.]
...I thought you were different. I thought you saw me...as something besides a cursed boy, a conduit for all bad things who is only meant to suffer.
[He looks at Atem with such hurt when he says that, wand when he adds:]
I love you. But that's not enough anymore is it? It won't ever be. It's all about the game to you, and I'm a high-cost token that you're carrying on your back. If I'm not part of your optimal move, then...th-then...
cw; death, possession, torture, self-sacrifice
He always listens, doesn't he? Whatever Atem has to say, and he always has a lot to say...it's always allowed. Ryou always tries to work around it, to make the logic of it all make sense for Atem.
He speaks in game talk, because that's what Atem understands. That's what he's speaking in now, without ever understanding what Ryou feels, or what he wants to say, because it all has to be couched in a game.
For the King of Games. The one who always has to be at the top of the heap. He has to be better. He wants to be a pharaoh more than he wants to be a friend, even after everything, doesn't he?
Ryou can't let it slide though, what Atem had said. It had struck like a dagger, lancing through his heart, twisting his insides until he's sure he might be sick.]
What have I ever given up for your sake?
[Ryou gives a breathless laugh.]
Everything. I killed you, nearly risked possession to claw a parasite out of you. I gave my ability to feel, to try and take your pain of death.
I gave you my attention, whenever I thought you needed it, tried to help, whenever I could, when you looked as if you might break. And then when you did, my first thought when I woke up in an alleyway after being killed wasn't to get home and recover from post-death sickness. It was to find you, treat you, until you came back from what had been done to you! A terrible thing was done to you! I stood by your side until I could change it, but...I guess because I was scared, that doesn't amount to much, right?
I defended you on the network, during the broadcast. I defended you...when Aether told you that you deserved to be tortured. That didn't matter either, then, because I was defending someone who didn't want to be defended, but wants to rail about it now.
I took care of you last December, when the bugs got into your head, too, if you might recall.
And I supported you...rising in the ranks. I got our friends together to find you when you were blind. I guarded you when you were disadvantaged. I tried to make you happy...
[Ryou can't say any of this without emotion. He's very upset, and very offended to know that his gestures would never amount to anything, because he wasn't playing the game right.
Atem could tell him all he wanted, that he'd respect what Ryou chose, and did...but in the end...]
...I...
[He wants to be strong, to defend himself. He does. But it won't matter.
Atem has always been better at rebuttals. Ryou just stands there, trying his hardest not to cry and failing miserably.
Ryou shakes his head unable to help the pain he feels at Atem's words. It's not the kind that's felt when you're set on fire, or the kind you feel when someone litters your body with slow, agonizing cuts.
It's the kind you feel, when you realize that your lover's decided you're nothing but a spiked wall that he's been punching, over and over, hoping it'll turn into something softer, and never really achieving it.
This is the first time, Ryou thinks, that he's being blamed for something that's not his fault and he actually doesn't want to be.]
...I thought you were different. I thought you saw me...as something besides a cursed boy, a conduit for all bad things who is only meant to suffer.
[He looks at Atem with such hurt when he says that, wand when he adds:]
I love you. But that's not enough anymore is it? It won't ever be. It's all about the game to you, and I'm a high-cost token that you're carrying on your back. If I'm not part of your optimal move, then...th-then...