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knifemonopoly) wrote2021-02-05 06:28 pm
knifemonopoly) wrote2021-02-05 06:28 pm
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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, PLAYER1. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 10.11.0.0.01 *** PLAYER1 has joined 10.11.0.0.01 <PLAYER1> If you're looking for someone you knew as Yugi before June, you've found him! It's Atem, leave a message. | ||||
cw; death, possession, torture, self-sacrifice
He always listens, doesn't he? Whatever Atem has to say, and he always has a lot to say...it's always allowed. Ryou always tries to work around it, to make the logic of it all make sense for Atem.
He speaks in game talk, because that's what Atem understands. That's what he's speaking in now, without ever understanding what Ryou feels, or what he wants to say, because it all has to be couched in a game.
For the King of Games. The one who always has to be at the top of the heap. He has to be better. He wants to be a pharaoh more than he wants to be a friend, even after everything, doesn't he?
Ryou can't let it slide though, what Atem had said. It had struck like a dagger, lancing through his heart, twisting his insides until he's sure he might be sick.]
What have I ever given up for your sake?
[Ryou gives a breathless laugh.]
Everything. I killed you, nearly risked possession to claw a parasite out of you. I gave my ability to feel, to try and take your pain of death.
I gave you my attention, whenever I thought you needed it, tried to help, whenever I could, when you looked as if you might break. And then when you did, my first thought when I woke up in an alleyway after being killed wasn't to get home and recover from post-death sickness. It was to find you, treat you, until you came back from what had been done to you! A terrible thing was done to you! I stood by your side until I could change it, but...I guess because I was scared, that doesn't amount to much, right?
I defended you on the network, during the broadcast. I defended you...when Aether told you that you deserved to be tortured. That didn't matter either, then, because I was defending someone who didn't want to be defended, but wants to rail about it now.
I took care of you last December, when the bugs got into your head, too, if you might recall.
And I supported you...rising in the ranks. I got our friends together to find you when you were blind. I guarded you when you were disadvantaged. I tried to make you happy...
[Ryou can't say any of this without emotion. He's very upset, and very offended to know that his gestures would never amount to anything, because he wasn't playing the game right.
Atem could tell him all he wanted, that he'd respect what Ryou chose, and did...but in the end...]
...I...
[He wants to be strong, to defend himself. He does. But it won't matter.
Atem has always been better at rebuttals. Ryou just stands there, trying his hardest not to cry and failing miserably.
Ryou shakes his head unable to help the pain he feels at Atem's words. It's not the kind that's felt when you're set on fire, or the kind you feel when someone litters your body with slow, agonizing cuts.
It's the kind you feel, when you realize that your lover's decided you're nothing but a spiked wall that he's been punching, over and over, hoping it'll turn into something softer, and never really achieving it.
This is the first time, Ryou thinks, that he's being blamed for something that's not his fault and he actually doesn't want to be.]
...I thought you were different. I thought you saw me...as something besides a cursed boy, a conduit for all bad things who is only meant to suffer.
[He looks at Atem with such hurt when he says that, wand when he adds:]
I love you. But that's not enough anymore is it? It won't ever be. It's all about the game to you, and I'm a high-cost token that you're carrying on your back. If I'm not part of your optimal move, then...th-then...
no subject
If Atem had known sooner that the events always end predictably...he could have told them, "just lock me up."
That death didn't have to happen. Ryou losing his ability to feel didn't have to happen -- which, Atem recalls now, is a phenomenon Lust had never heard of before, another way Ryou was forced to suffer uniquely.
But Ryslig made them suffer.
Defending Atem on the network had been a mistake. It had only thrown Ryou so far into despair that he'd tried to turn himself in to AM, and Atem had had to -- he doesn't want to think about it. It had hurt him, trying to work around Ryou's compulsion to go to the prison. But he'd done it.
Ryou's helped. But Ryou's never thrown his friends to AM's mercy, in a failed move. He's never given up his reputation, for the sake of powers that don't work when they're needed.
But he can't say any of that. Hot tears are welled up, he's going to have to make -- apologies -- he knows it -- ]
It's my fault. I didn't realize how futile trying to make Ryslig easier for you was. Not until I'd given up far, far too much.
[The hit on AM. The broadcast.]
I really haven't done anything but cause pain, have I...?
[He shakes his head. No. No, this has to end. He can't let how much he cares about Ryou...hurt his other friends.]
I can't keep getting people in trouble to help you, anymore. And I can't --
[This isn't the hard part, all of it's the hard part, but tears start to spill, when he gets to it.]
...I can't, Ryou! We're not good for each other, like this. We're not good for the people around us. It's not that it's not optimal, Ryou -- it's destructive! Look at the broadcast -- that was for you! My last life went to trying to protect you from AM, and that got you nowhere! Look at what's going to happen to the people who helped me avenge you, too -- and tell me it's not destructive! The choices I make, when I'm around you, because I can't stand to see you sad and scared and not try -- they're my fault. But I can't make them anymore.
[They won't work. None of them will work.
He really should have figured this out sooner. He should have disengaged, sooner. He's breathing hard, fast, shallow.]
I love you. But I can't...I can't be with you, if you're not okay without me. And I can't trust myself not to do dangerous things, because I think they'll work...because I'm afraid of losing you. I have to be okay with losing you, or -- !
[Or more people will just get hurt.]
I can't help you anymore. I can't. You have to do it yourself.
no subject
[Ryou looks away. If anything's broken his resolve at this point...it's all of that. He doesn't have anything left to fight against.
He reaches into his pocket, withdrawing his Dyster key. He keeps it with him pretty often, after all. Which is for the best, in this case. It couldn't have worked out better for him, could it?]
I want you to think about something for me, while you're here.
[He says this without looking at Atem, going to his bedroom door and closing it so that he can change it, onto a more welcoming place, a place where Ryou can lay in bed and let the Fog wash over him, to soothe his hurt.]
I want you to think about how many of those times I made you do those things. You're blaming them on me--don't lie and say you aren't. You do us both a disservice pretending that you don't really think it's my fault.
[The door clicks shut...and then, another click as he turns his key.]
I'll be moving some things around. If you hear me, pay it no mind. And...Atem?
[He opens the door, steps into Dyster, but before he closes the door, he looks at Atem, and in those glowing eyes of his is actual, painful regret.]
I really am sorry for what you had to do, and what you gave up for me. And I'm sorry that bad things come to me. You're right. I'm cursed.
[The door closes softly after that. True to his word, there might be activity in his room, but Ryou is only there temporarily. If Atem chances a look inside, he'll find that Ryou's possessions have dwindled. The room isn't bare, but it no longer feels warm, personal, or lived in.]
cw hysteria, paranoia
He knows whose fault it is. It's whatever's interested in ensuring Ryou suffers.
It's a force Atem can't fight anymore.
It's a force he's made terrible mistakes while trying to fight.
It's Atem's fault, too, for falling for it. For making those choices.]
It really was...
...all for nothing....
[He feels dizzy. He feels like he's going to be sick. His hands come up to his mouth, as the fog he breathes slips in and out of his fingers, staccato-quick --
-- and, he laughs. Tears, hot and unwanted, run down his face, into his mouth -- but what comes out is a laugh, that has all of the pattern and rhythm of an erupting volcano.]
You got me!
[He shouts at nothing, to the nearly-empty apartment.]
You really got me, this time! H-hahaha -- ha ha ha ha ha -- I fell for it!
I lose!
[And, he's going to sit there on the bed, spiraling out into darkness, until...
...well. Until Tybolt comes in. He sniffs the dried blood-chocolate on the floor, and makes a small mrrow?
It's enough to get Atem up.]
...come on, boy. We've got to find a new place to live.