[Killing him, clawing the parasite out of him...had been a mistake.
If Atem had known sooner that the events always end predictably...he could have told them, "just lock me up."
That death didn't have to happen. Ryou losing his ability to feel didn't have to happen -- which, Atem recalls now, is a phenomenon Lust had never heard of before, another way Ryou was forced to suffer uniquely.
But Ryslig made them suffer.
Defending Atem on the network had been a mistake. It had only thrown Ryou so far into despair that he'd tried to turn himself in to AM, and Atem had had to -- he doesn't want to think about it. It had hurt him, trying to work around Ryou's compulsion to go to the prison. But he'd done it.
Ryou's helped. But Ryou's never thrown his friends to AM's mercy, in a failed move. He's never given up his reputation, for the sake of powers that don't work when they're needed.
But he can't say any of that. Hot tears are welled up, he's going to have to make -- apologies -- he knows it -- ]
It's my fault. I didn't realize how futile trying to make Ryslig easier for you was. Not until I'd given up far, far too much.
[The hit on AM. The broadcast.]
I really haven't done anything but cause pain, have I...?
[He shakes his head. No. No, this has to end. He can't let how much he cares about Ryou...hurt his other friends.]
I can't keep getting people in trouble to help you, anymore. And I can't --
[This isn't the hard part, all of it's the hard part, but tears start to spill, when he gets to it.]
...I can't, Ryou! We're not good for each other, like this. We're not good for the people around us. It's not that it's not optimal, Ryou -- it's destructive! Look at the broadcast -- that was for you! My last life went to trying to protect you from AM, and that got you nowhere! Look at what's going to happen to the people who helped me avenge you, too -- and tell me it's not destructive! The choices I make, when I'm around you, because I can't stand to see you sad and scared and not try -- they're my fault. But I can't make them anymore.
[They won't work. None of them will work.
He really should have figured this out sooner. He should have disengaged, sooner. He's breathing hard, fast, shallow.]
I love you. But I can't...I can't be with you, if you're not okay without me. And I can't trust myself not to do dangerous things, because I think they'll work...because I'm afraid of losing you. I have to be okay with losing you, or -- !
[Or more people will just get hurt.]
I can't help you anymore. I can't. You have to do it yourself.
no subject
If Atem had known sooner that the events always end predictably...he could have told them, "just lock me up."
That death didn't have to happen. Ryou losing his ability to feel didn't have to happen -- which, Atem recalls now, is a phenomenon Lust had never heard of before, another way Ryou was forced to suffer uniquely.
But Ryslig made them suffer.
Defending Atem on the network had been a mistake. It had only thrown Ryou so far into despair that he'd tried to turn himself in to AM, and Atem had had to -- he doesn't want to think about it. It had hurt him, trying to work around Ryou's compulsion to go to the prison. But he'd done it.
Ryou's helped. But Ryou's never thrown his friends to AM's mercy, in a failed move. He's never given up his reputation, for the sake of powers that don't work when they're needed.
But he can't say any of that. Hot tears are welled up, he's going to have to make -- apologies -- he knows it -- ]
It's my fault. I didn't realize how futile trying to make Ryslig easier for you was. Not until I'd given up far, far too much.
[The hit on AM. The broadcast.]
I really haven't done anything but cause pain, have I...?
[He shakes his head. No. No, this has to end. He can't let how much he cares about Ryou...hurt his other friends.]
I can't keep getting people in trouble to help you, anymore. And I can't --
[This isn't the hard part, all of it's the hard part, but tears start to spill, when he gets to it.]
...I can't, Ryou! We're not good for each other, like this. We're not good for the people around us. It's not that it's not optimal, Ryou -- it's destructive! Look at the broadcast -- that was for you! My last life went to trying to protect you from AM, and that got you nowhere! Look at what's going to happen to the people who helped me avenge you, too -- and tell me it's not destructive! The choices I make, when I'm around you, because I can't stand to see you sad and scared and not try -- they're my fault. But I can't make them anymore.
[They won't work. None of them will work.
He really should have figured this out sooner. He should have disengaged, sooner. He's breathing hard, fast, shallow.]
I love you. But I can't...I can't be with you, if you're not okay without me. And I can't trust myself not to do dangerous things, because I think they'll work...because I'm afraid of losing you. I have to be okay with losing you, or -- !
[Or more people will just get hurt.]
I can't help you anymore. I can't. You have to do it yourself.