Is he going to tell? Is he going to say it, admit it? Part of him doesn't want to, part of him wants to keep the secret locked in his heart forever. If he were looking Ryou in the eye....he might not have been able to form the words.
But...he doesn't have to look at Ryou's face. That makes it easier. He tenses, hesitates, and then, quietly, too quiet to carry to any of the other rooms, where anyone might be asleep...]
...it repeated the things I thought.
When it was inside of me, it made me feel like it was my friend. That I should help it find my other friends, so that their minds would be with mine, always, and no one would suffer alone ever again. That way, I could always be there...
[If Ryou attempts to pull away at any point, it will be resisted. No. He doesn't want his face looked at right now.]
It was a lie, of course. We weren't friends. It didn't listen to me, when it did things I didn't agree with. When it tried to take people against their will. It...could force my mind to be quiet. All it wanted was hosts, and would have done anything to get them.
[A breath. How does he put the rest of this?]
I don't want to be part of a collective any more, of course!
[This is a secret, he's telling Ryou a secret, he's not quite whispering, but it is told low over Ryou's shoulder, don't tell, it's shameful, don't tell anyone--]
But...it's hard to tell, how much of that desire to be connected to everyone I cared about was it, and how much of it was me...
[Since the hydra had tried to sell multiple people on the hivemind lifestyle, and every single one of them had been disgusted. Atem's disgusted now. But whatever the hydra did to keep him compliant has given him one (1) doubt, about, would he have been too easy to get, because he was lonely in his mind? Was he desperate? Was it that easy for something to use that, and hurt people?]
cw discussion of mind control and fucky manipulation
.....
Is he going to tell? Is he going to say it, admit it? Part of him doesn't want to, part of him wants to keep the secret locked in his heart forever. If he were looking Ryou in the eye....he might not have been able to form the words.
But...he doesn't have to look at Ryou's face. That makes it easier. He tenses, hesitates, and then, quietly, too quiet to carry to any of the other rooms, where anyone might be asleep...]
...it repeated the things I thought.
When it was inside of me, it made me feel like it was my friend. That I should help it find my other friends, so that their minds would be with mine, always, and no one would suffer alone ever again. That way, I could always be there...
[If Ryou attempts to pull away at any point, it will be resisted. No. He doesn't want his face looked at right now.]
It was a lie, of course. We weren't friends. It didn't listen to me, when it did things I didn't agree with. When it tried to take people against their will. It...could force my mind to be quiet. All it wanted was hosts, and would have done anything to get them.
[A breath. How does he put the rest of this?]
I don't want to be part of a collective any more, of course!
[This is a secret, he's telling Ryou a secret, he's not quite whispering, but it is told low over Ryou's shoulder, don't tell, it's shameful, don't tell anyone--]
But...it's hard to tell, how much of that desire to be connected to everyone I cared about was it, and how much of it was me...
[Since the hydra had tried to sell multiple people on the hivemind lifestyle, and every single one of them had been disgusted. Atem's disgusted now. But whatever the hydra did to keep him compliant has given him one (1) doubt, about, would he have been too easy to get, because he was lonely in his mind? Was he desperate? Was it that easy for something to use that, and hurt people?]