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knifemonopoly) wrote2021-02-05 06:28 pm
knifemonopoly) wrote2021-02-05 06:28 pm
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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, PLAYER1. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 10.11.0.0.01 *** PLAYER1 has joined 10.11.0.0.01 <PLAYER1> If you're looking for someone you knew as Yugi before June, you've found him! It's Atem, leave a message. | ||||
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He's grounded by Atem's hand on his shoulder, and he has to fight not to cry again when he realizes how stupid he's being, to really try and convince himself that Atem could ever hate him for something like this.
But what hits home the hardest is the apology. Atem apologizes for what happened and that sympathy is a balm on a wound that had remained raw for so long, much longer than it had any business being. But Ryou has a tendency to pick at his wounds, opening them up fresh before they can scar over. He hadn't sat down and told this story to anyone like this. Not even the Ring-Spirit.]
You don't know...how much it means to me to have you understand. I've been so afraid to admit what I've done, the weight I carry in my heart for those who I hurt, because I've spent so long afraid that maybe Javert was right that there was a beast in me waiting to be set free. But...that isn't me. It was out of my control, and were I to have agency, I'd never have chosen that path.
[He doesn't care that he's pulled down a little--only a little, he's still shrunken a bit--to compensate for their height difference. He lets Atem pull him down and in fact returns the hug, almost fiercely. His hair flows over his friend's shoulders, soft and almost wisplike, due to the semi-solid state of his shadows.
But...although he's being comforted, Ryou hears something there that he needs to address. Sure, they've already addressed it, but he doesn't care. So when Atem repeats Ryou's analogy back at him, the shade's grip tightens for a moment. A firm squeeze.]
You didn't choose that path for yourself either, with the parasite. So remember the evils of this world and make sure to put your pieces back just the same. You're stronger than me, motivated and self-assured. I know you won't make that same mistake, Atem.
cw discussion of mind control and fucky manipulation
.....
Is he going to tell? Is he going to say it, admit it? Part of him doesn't want to, part of him wants to keep the secret locked in his heart forever. If he were looking Ryou in the eye....he might not have been able to form the words.
But...he doesn't have to look at Ryou's face. That makes it easier. He tenses, hesitates, and then, quietly, too quiet to carry to any of the other rooms, where anyone might be asleep...]
...it repeated the things I thought.
When it was inside of me, it made me feel like it was my friend. That I should help it find my other friends, so that their minds would be with mine, always, and no one would suffer alone ever again. That way, I could always be there...
[If Ryou attempts to pull away at any point, it will be resisted. No. He doesn't want his face looked at right now.]
It was a lie, of course. We weren't friends. It didn't listen to me, when it did things I didn't agree with. When it tried to take people against their will. It...could force my mind to be quiet. All it wanted was hosts, and would have done anything to get them.
[A breath. How does he put the rest of this?]
I don't want to be part of a collective any more, of course!
[This is a secret, he's telling Ryou a secret, he's not quite whispering, but it is told low over Ryou's shoulder, don't tell, it's shameful, don't tell anyone--]
But...it's hard to tell, how much of that desire to be connected to everyone I cared about was it, and how much of it was me...
[Since the hydra had tried to sell multiple people on the hivemind lifestyle, and every single one of them had been disgusted. Atem's disgusted now. But whatever the hydra did to keep him compliant has given him one (1) doubt, about, would he have been too easy to get, because he was lonely in his mind? Was he desperate? Was it that easy for something to use that, and hurt people?]
cw; manipulation and mind control
He doesn't let go of his friend. There is no attempt to escape the hug. In fact, Ryou tightens it, not painfully of course. Enough to keep Atem grounded, to help him understand that Ryou wasn't going anywhere. This is now his time to share, and Ryou won't begrudge him that.]
It made you feel as if it only had yours and their best interests at heart. You just wanted to bring all of us together, so that we could be as one, forever. You could have your friends with you always. That's admirable, Atem. It really is.
I could never fault you for believing it when you were put in a situation in which you could not think otherwise without being suppressed.
[Ryou Bakura can never, ever judge anyone for that. He, the bearer of the Ring, could never judge someone for being fed pretty words and made to comply through them. He stole back the Ring after Battle City because he was so convinced that it was his, he could control it. It was nothing he couldn't deal with, honest. He empathizes with Atem's feelings here, because he's felt them.
Most importantly, he empathizes with being pushed down into the background. Silence and blackness and not knowing what happens when you come back because someone else is driving and they're out to harm your friends, not help them.
The shade gently presses his face against Atem's--they're hugging and so close, it's almost like a nuzzle, but stronger. Fiercely protective, in a way that maybe a friend shouldn't be. Too close, too involved, too emotional.
Of all the words he's spoken, these are the quietest and gentlest.]
There's a space that was empty, that no one else could fill but Yugi. Do you...maybe think that it is a weakness?
No, Atem. That is the strength of your bond. That is a unity past anything you could ever have with anyone else here, because you shared thoughts, actions, and feelings. The hydra would never understand that. It co-opted those feelings and rewrote them to suit its hivemind mentality. Do you understand?
Anything bad...came from the hydra. To believe that being bothered at being alone in your mind is your fault is to misrepresent what friendship and camaraderie in its truest form represents.
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He thinks he might never stop realizing how grateful he is to have friends like this. Friends who stand by him, not just when he's in trouble, but also when he needs other kinds of support...friends who understand, who hear even the parts he doesn't say out loud...who he can unwrap his wounds in front of, and trust that they won't see him as a weakened part of the herd, easy to pick off, but instead pull out the thorns and shrapnel and make sure it'll heal clean.
He needed to hear this, too, from someone who knows what they're talking about, who's experienced something like it. Anything bad came from the hydra -- a situation in which you could not think otherwise without being suppressed. A space that was empty, that no one else could fill but Yugi -- the hydra would never understand, it co-opted and rewrote. Being bothered at being alone in your mind -- is not a weakness. The words help Atem's feelings about the event settle into a shape he can understand and accept; they help him know himself, to understand what happened and why, and that the answer to "why" isn't "weakness." Ryou presses the sides of their faces together, and Atem shuts his eyes, and tilts his own face in, just a few degrees -- turning towards the comfort offered, accepting it, letting the contact to the sensitive nerves in his cheek and eyelid send warmth and a sense of peace he hasn't felt since Lust had embraced him right away after meeting him outside the other-world all through him.
He gives a little nod against Ryou's face -- yes, he understands.
He's content to be quiet for another breath or two, not in a hurry to respond further. When he does speak, he's clearly calmer, the tight note of I don't know if it was something wrong with me gone from his voice.]
You're right.
Thank you. I'll remember what you've said...and keep it in my heart.
I'm very lucky to have a friend like you.
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It is absolutely normal to want to stay like this for a little longer and it's just business as usual to think about how nice it would be to put a hand in your friend's hair just to see how it'd feel and if it would help him relax.
Of course...Ryou keeps all of that to himslf because it's not his turn anymore. This is Atem's time to be comforted and held and made to feel important.]
I'll be here for you as long as you need me. You've been here to strengthen me, the least I can do is lend my shoulder when you need it. We are all only human, after all. When it becomes too much...sometimes this kind of thing is what anyone would need.
[Ha...he uhm. He should probably let go of Atem but he doesn't want to be the one breaking their contact. This feels right. Like Ryou's heart has been filled with something warm and soothing that was slowly spilling out to the rest of his body, soft and comforting and good.
He wholeheartedly believes this is just friendship. This is how it feels when it's perfect, he'd just never...had that perfect feeling before. That's all, right?]
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Talking about this...it's helped a lot.
It feels like time to let go, though. Had he really just brushed his face against the side of Ryou's a moment ago? Is that normal? Ryou seems to think it is, so Atem decides not to worry about it, and schools the dark-bruise blush back down off his own face before loosening his hold on Ryou and pulling back, feeling more relaxed than he has in...well, in weeks.
He picks up the mug of blood off the coffee-table and raises it.]
Here's to putting our pieces back together.
no subject
He settles properly on the couch, allowing Atem the room he needs to finally return to his morning drink. It's funny to think that it's blood, not coffee, but the metallic scent was hard to ignore. Not that it creeped Ryou out too terribly--he understands a monster's needs.
When the gesture is made, Ryou simply nods firmly, giving an affirmative "hm!"]
And to persevering through the next adversity.