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[Atem shakes his head, his ear wings tight. He's not sure he has the words to get across how he feels: how it's a good thing to go see Yugi, and how the part he understands is the mistrust, not the sense of being unimportant.

(He's never felt unimportant once in his life. Even now, the self-importance is making all of this worse, because Atem messing up, not being able to trust himself, isn't like anyone else messing up. This feels enormous to him, for better or worse.)]

I don't feel unimportant.

It's good, that you went over. It's important to get help from the people around you.

[Even Mukuro?

That question is a splinter in his brain. It's getting harder and harder to ignore. He's trying to tell himself that what matters is that Ryou doesn't starve himself out of guilt, because no matter what Ryou says, monsters' feelings have to be treated with more consideration than human lives, and making Ryou feel bad over his choices is counterproductive, isn't supporting him in becoming the kind of person he wants to be. Mukuro's not dangerous to her friends, as long as Junko isn't here. This feels controlling, feels stifling.

He should leave it alone. He--

--no, Atem should ask. Not tell. He should ask a productive question, one Ryou can give an answer to that Atem can respect.]

....

Do you want me to keep hunting for you?

[That seems like a very off-the-wall question...but Ryou has no problem entertaining it. It's the least he can do, he needs to make things right, he can't keep screwing up.

"It is up to you to rise to meet these changes, my pet. If you do not rise to meet them, how will you be able to endure harsher trials in the future?"

He shudders briefly, just the thought of those words unsettling him anew. But Atem had asked him a question. He can't get distracted in his own problems again. He outright refuses.]

I can't promise that when I change back that I wouldn't want your help. B-but...like this, I think we should hunt together. Or I can hunt for you. We can share kills regardless of the method.

I can't be as strong as I want as quickly as I need to be, but I'm not going to stop trying just because it's hard to hunt someone and erase them completely.

[Even though it hurts him to have to be the ultimate killer. At least as a werewolf, he can comfort himself with the fact that the eternal soul of his prey will not be snuffed out.

As a shade...it's much harder. The mental gymnastics are far more complicated for soul-feeding.]

[He got used to soul-eating early, because he had to, for Ryou. Now, it's just a matter of finding someone Atem's willing to erase completely. That's power he's used to wielding, and it made the initial transition to nephilim smooth.

Atem has dreams, sometimes, of the people he's killed. The man behind the arcade. The son of the rebuilding-loan broker.

He never dreams of the people whose souls were eaten.

But that's not what they're talking about.]

I don't ask because I mind hunting for you. I don't, especially since we can share! And...[yes, he'll extend this.]...if you choose targets, I'll trust that they're chosen carefully. There aren't many people I trust to hunt for me...to find people I'd be willing to eat, targets I can live with. Annie's methods -- I trust them.

[So, if Ryou's ever in a position where he and Atem can't hunt, that's the emergency contact.]

I don't trust Mukuro's.

[A heads-up, that anything brought back by her won't be eaten.]

But I'd like to hunt together, while you're like this. If we're both there...it's less likely that I'll make a mistake.

[His own judgment....he's unusually unsure of it. The idea of having Ryou there is actually remarkably reassuring: someone else to sanity-check, to hold back the nephilim's anger and the vampire's cruelty, if they aren't deserved, if they're too much.]

Edited 2021-11-29 00:11 (UTC)

[Ryou gives a tentative, subtle smile. Atem's putting an awful lot of trust in him like this. It's...nice.]

I know you don't mind it...but all the same, I'm offering. I'm glad that you feel comfortable letting me hunt for you.

[He leans in a little, finally confident enough to offer a nuzzle to Atem's cheek. He doesn't comment on the unkind outlook on Mukuro's hunting methods. Now's not the time to try and pick Atem's mind about that kind of thing, especially not when he's worried that he'll make a mistake.

...It's jarring to have Atem admit that he might make a mistake at all. It makes Ryou want to distract him in any way, to wrap Atem in familiarity so that he can't think about what's been troubling him.

Instead, he'll stick with the nuzzling. One step at a time.]

I don't imagine you're very hungry right now though, are you?

[He and Atem have very different appetites, of that Ryou is quite aware.]

[He leans in, shuts his eyes, tucks Ryou's head under his chin. Ryou wants to be a strong, self-sufficient monster...so, Atem will choose to trust him. He'll leave it at that, and believe in the best, and hope that that will be enough.

Ryou keeps shying away from mentions of what's been on Atem's mind, from what's troubling him, though. Is it possible Ryou doesn't want to know? But, the way Atem answers the question--]

No.

[--indicates that he has been feeding on souls this month.]

And I doubt you're up to going out, either.

[Feeding can wait. For once, Atem isn't ready to get up and go, to work, to build rumors and reputation. He's stopped, his momentum is dead, and he's not certain yet which direction to point himself when his engine starts up again. He's not positive it will restart.]

[Ryou breathes out a sigh at that statement.]

No. I'm not. I want to stay here with you, I've had my fill of anywhere else.

[It's as simple as that. He's not going out again unless Atem wants to. Besides which, he's tired from transforming as it is, and this isn't a good hunting form.

It's fine to stay inside for now. He can hunt later.

The most important thing to Ryou at this point is to figure out how to proceed from here. Because...he does know that Atem is having struggles--that had been the whole point of leaving for what was supposed to be a little while. So that they could both have space to think. But he's afraid, damn near terrified, that he'll somehow do something insensitive again. It's almost paralyzing.

As a result, it takes him a little longer to organize his thoughts and speak again.]

What do you want to do? D-do you want to talk about something else? I know I've made a mess of the evening, but...I'm here now. We could talk about anything you want.

[It's an open invitation, one he wants Atem to take! But...he's afraid to force any points too hard tonight. Honestly the coward's move...]

[Atem feels a stirring of concern, here. Ryou doesn't want to be anywhere else, but he should, maybe...is this entirely healthy? Is it right?

There's too much on his mind, too much out of balance. But, the concerning assurance that Ryou doesn't want to be anywhere else aside, what Atem's picking up on is...]

...are you afraid of something?

[All his brows furrow. He can't imagine why Ryou would be afraid of him, but if he's feeling fear around Atem, that's definitely something he wants to talk about.]

[It figures. Atem can be out of sorts and still look right through Ryou, like he's a shallow puddle. Dawn go the ears again, after having finally relaxed for a moment.

He doesn't lie, because that's disingenuous.]

I have many things to be afraid of. But I think that you're looking for something specific, yes?

[He turns his head, so he can be heard just a little better. So he's not mumbling into Atem's chest.]

I'm afraid I'm not being good enough.

[It's said tiredly, with a deep-seated resignation to that very fact that makes it...almost sound like he's not seeking comfort. Because he's not. He's just stating the fact, because Atem caught him out on it anyway.]

We don't have to talk about that though. You've been very patient with me since I've arrived...and since I got here, I haven't asked how you were doing. I was gone for hours...I left you, knowing very well that you've got a lot on your mind.

[Again, said plainly. He's not defending himself. He's convinced he screwed up. That's why he's put a bit of distance between them, isn't it? Distance he made, distance he hates.]

....

[Well, at least it isn't fear of Atem hurting him. That's a relief. But..."good enough"? Just what kind of standard is Ryou holding himself to?]

Ryou, our bond isn't made of glass. It's not the kind of brittle thing that will snap because of one choice. Even if I thought that you going to Yugi's for help was a mistake -- and I don't -- I've hurt you before, and you've forgiven me.

[His arms tighten around Ryou. Remember that time he made a bad call, and the healing from it was horrible? Atem does.]

We're both starting out at level one, remember? Neither of us had any idea what we were doing when we decided to be together, but you trusted me with your heart anyway. I don't want you to be "good enough" -- I want you to be you.

[Ryou's head gets petted, here. Atem starts petting his hair, between his ears, slow and soothing.]

And, if "good enough" means making every decision with my wellbeing in mind, then I don't want that at all! It's no good to work so hard carrying others that you don't have any strength left for yourself. Especially when you're someone I care about.

[They can get to how he's doing in a bit. Reassurance and reminders that neither of them is perfect first.]

[Ryou isn't sure how to explain that good things in his life rarely last for a long time. He isn't equipped to explain that he does feel like all of his bonds are made of glass...and how that flawed logic is in fact making everything worse.]

You're right.

[Despite the intrusive thoughts screaming at him that's he's doing everything wrong, he says that. Because it's true.]

Neither of us have to be perfect--we can't be. I don't ever expect you to be perfect, so...perhaps expecting myself to be isn't being fair.

[It doesn't need to be fair to be right in Ryou's mind. He's always held everyone else to a different standard than he held himself. But again, it's not something he can explain easily, nor does he want to slip into that conversation.

Ryou relaxes into Atem's touch, trying to bite back the low noise in the back of his throat that betrays how nice it feels...and failing spectacularly. It's weirder coming from his day form, he feels. But he can't help it.

Mildly, he thinks about the last thing Atem said. About not working so hard that you don't have strength for you. Part of him wants to gently remind Atem that he should follow his own advice...but it's not right to do so. Not now. He's given that advice many times as it is...it's only fair to hear it back in return, and to accept it for what it is.

So he smiles, and settles a hand loosely around Atem's hip. A show of comfort, but also to bring himself closer.]

H-hahaha.

...I-I'm going to take you out next month. We're getting out...and we're doing something fun. And then maybe we can arrange something with our friends--a game night perhaps? Something different. Something good. Those are the things that truly heal.

[At that, Atem finally, truly relaxes. The difference can be felt; the tension he's been holding in his chest, his arms, his shoulders, softens and melts away. Even his ear-wings relax, held more naturally alongside his head, and the pupils of all his eyes ease up from their tightened, stressed state.

He knows. He knows that if he doesn't listen to that advice, he's a hypocrite. Atem believes he'll always have enough strength for everybody and himself, but when his attempts to carry everyone start to cause trouble...

...he can't deny, anymore, that it's not a good idea.

But he likes planning for next month. He likes hearing...that he's not expected to be perfect. He likes that happy little groan from Ryou. And...maybe, by next month, he'll be thinking clearly again, and will be able to do something good.

Atem keeps petting Ryou's hair, getting his fingers into it, stroking it. It's relaxing for him, too...is Ryou's hair even thicker like this, or is that just his imagination?]

I like that idea. There's an amusement park, with a haunted house...I wanted to take you sooner, but this monster type isn't very good for it. Either I'd reveal all the tricks, or lose my form...not a very good way to end a date!

No...I don't suppose it would be...

[Ryou finally feels like the tension is easing, like he can finally shrug off the weight that he, mostly, had set on his own shoulders. He doesn't have to think about Elias, about the Fog, or any of the extremely troublesome things he'd read on the network.

All he has to worry about is the hand stroking through his hair, long and yes, very much thicker than usual. His ears relax downward, no longer pressed against his skull, but also not fully raised.

There's a gentle movement, a sensation of something being dropped in both their laps repeatedly as Ryou's tail wags softly.]

We could do something in the daytime...before you change back. I'm sure that it's boring being mostly stuck inside--you're a little more, ah...active than I am.

[It's an invitation, but one that Atem doesn't need to take. Ryou knows how terrible it feels to be stuck without anywhere to go. But just in case there's any uncertainty, Ryou offers a solution that gives the a bit more privacy.]

I plan to hunt in the woods anyway--I can do it in daytime, if it's a small animal. And it takes the edge off.

[Not the hunger, of course. He's not hungry for human flesh. But being a werewolf as he is, eating a small animal or two satisfies a different urge. The urge to be a predator, to run and jump, hunt and bite.]

Edited (words are hard) 2021-11-30 03:29 (UTC)

[Tybolt, who's been dozing on the couch all this time, starts to bat his paw clawlessly at Ryou's tail as it heads his way. He doesn't catch anything but fluff, and it slides out from under his paws smoothly and easily.]

You can catch animals even like this...?

[He's surprised, and he's curious. The day form is smaller -- it doesn't look capable of as much...]

[Ryou feels Tybolt's paws on his tail and he flinches...but then lets out an amused snort and moves his tail more purposefully. There's plenty of fur, he doubts the little lion will hurt him.]

Um...not very well. It's about one out of every ten tries, I think? But the chase is fun. And if I don't catch anything, I can always go to the store and pick up something.

[Something meaty, to ease the disappointment of failing a hunt.]

But I've caught things before. I could do it if I wanted!

[Sure, he's usually extra tired in this form, but his sense of smell is still excellent, and he's faster than the average human.]

[Tybolt cannot get at any sensitive part of the tail. His teeth can't get through the fur; it's too thick. He rolls over onto his back and attempts to pull the tail into his mouth with his paws; he only gets fluff. He sneezes.]

A trip into the woods during the day...I'm not sure I'll be chasing much of anything! But the walk might be nice. If you're not looking at me, I can keep up!

[There's still a part of him that's appreciative of forests. Atem has memories of wood being extremely precious; good lumber was rare, and had to be traded for. And, Yugi didn't spend much time in them, so...forests make him feel like he's in a faraway place.

He scratches fingertips behind Ryou's ears.]

You can show me what you can do.

[He's happy -- a quiet kind of happy, but Atem is definitely cheered up. There's still a lot he hasn't talked about, and even more that he has discussed but that no one can help, but it's bearable, with plans to do something fun.]

[Ryou's ears relax further and he lets out a soft, happy wolfy groan once more. This one he doesn't try to stifle. No sir, that's the spot, he is absolutely compromised, to the point where he shivers a little because that...should not feel as nice as it does.]

Mmhmm! I want to...show you...

[He's comfortable. This is good. He's sleepy.

...Ryou suddenly lets out a sigh of frustration.]

Nnngh, I...have to take a shower. I am not sleeping like this.

[Is...is he pouting? A bit, actually, because waiting for his fur to dry out is exhausting. Maybe he can just brush his teeth and then catch an early shower tomorrow. The way he's curled limply across Atem communicates that he's reluctant to get up, for sure.]

[Atem spots Tybolt trying to bite. Hmmmm, that's not a habit he wants to foster.]

Tybolt, be gentle.

[It's a command. The biting stops and the claws retract. Tybolt climbs to his feet, shakes himself off again, and wanders over to a different bed, flopping down.

That done, Atem makes no move at all to help Ryou move. He just continues to give ear scratches.]

Shower, then.

[It's obvious he knows he's not making this easier.]

Edited 2021-11-30 05:36 (UTC)

[Ryou is not an idiot. He knows what Atem's doing. That being said...it's a little hard to ignore the scratches. It's so relaxing. Does he actually need to do anything at all? It's daytime, everything can wait as long as they're just existing in each other's presence and Atem's glorious, dexterous fingers keep scritching--]

I'm going...

[He swears it. He will.]

I've got wine on my breath...I have to go...

[Watch him. He's definitely moving, yes. He just needs to stretch his legs out, one at a time--

One leg kicks out reflexively as Atem continues to administer scratches, and Ryou's eyes widen. Excuse him?]

[....oh no.

Oh, no. They kept hunting dogs, thousands of years ago. Atem knows that's a dog thing.

He can't help it.]

--heh heh heh!

[It slips out, past his control, warm and sincerely tickled. Oh, no. It's like hearing someone's voice break for the first time -- not weird, but funny inherently.]

So, that happens even in your day form...

Edited 2021-11-30 05:55 (UTC)

[This is embarrassing. It's not the bad kind of embarrassing, like what happened on the network when he couldn't even type words correctly, but it is terribly embarrassing in a way that if he was still a shade, he'd probably just fade from the visible spectrum.

Instead, he pulls his leg in and wraps his arm around it, to prevent himself from doing that again.]

Atem, this is your fault!

[Which would sound accusatory and angry if he wasn't simply whining about it like a petulant child. The mood's lightened quite enough that he's behaving as he normally does when he's flirted with. This isn't really flirting though. He just feels dumb and out of his control and like a puppy. Noooooo.]

Mhm.

[Both hands come out now.

There's time to grab them, dodge or duck, or stop their approach.

But, if they are unstopped, they bury themselves deep in the thick hair at the base of Ryou's ears. This isn't an idle scritch. This is an attentive whole-head rub, all his fingers getting into it, like when you have an animal's head between your hands and absolutely go to town. No mercy.]

[Under normal circumstances, with his upgraded werewolf reflexes? This never would have gone so far. Furthermore, if it was anyone else, he probably would have kept his wits even more sharp.

But this is Atem. And Ryou's sleepy, so he's just a little bit too trusting.

...As it turns out, that was a mistake. The instant Atem's fingers start working at the base of his ears, he lets out a very different noise, and he can feel the fur on his shoulders bristle up, his skin breaking out in goosebumps where it's exposed because uhhhh...that feels very, very good.

Even his tail puffs up a little, and there's another mild kick of his leg out of reflex.]

Mmmmnh!! H-hey...

[Did Atem intend to activate his boyfriend a little? Because judging by the way Ryou's head slowly tilts so he can look Atem in the eye with a petulant, but somewhat interested expression...that's accidentally what happened. There's even a dusting of pink across his cheeks.]

You're doing this on purpose. That's not fair...you know...?

[Oh, no. Oh, no, he's cute. Warmth, energy, that's been hard to summon up lately, curls around Atem's heart. He only sounds so repentant when he says:]

Sorry, sorry!

It's just that your ears are very soft. They're cute...it's hard to stay away!

If you really mind, of course I'll leave you alone...

[Ears, though. Atem's fingers still, but they don't leave Ryou's hair, and he leans in to plant a kiss on Ryou's nose.]

...or, we could talk about what might make it fair.

[Ryou knows that they've just had a couple of very uncomfortable conversations, and that things aren't perfect, but when Atem speaks, when he kisses Ryou's nose, that's the only thing that matters at all.

All he wants is more, so he shifts, gathering his legs beneath him on the couch while simultaneously wrapping an arm more securely around Atem's waist. Now, with the leverage and balance he needed, he presses their foreheads together.]

I...am going to kiss you. Then maybe we can discuss what's fair.

[He doesn't even make it transactional, as part of the tradeoff. No, Ryou's going to kiss his boyfriend for free. And before Atem can respond, that's exactly what he does, closing the distance and kissing the nephilim warmly.

...As he insinuated, his lips do have a mild taste of wine, a fruity, sweet variety. Because of course Ryou buys sweet wines.]

[Wine, to Atem, has associations with celebrations -- good times, fun, festivals, birthdays now. It's a special occasion drink, not like beer or water. He knows Ryou was drinking because he was sad this time, whether it started out that way or not, and that's why he feels a touch bad for finding that taste in Ryou's mouth hot.

Sorry, Ryou. He knows it was a bad time on the network. But Atem's mouth still parts against the kiss, and his fingers still slide through Ryou's hair, and he still makes a quiet sound in the back of his throat that's part want and part satisfaction. He won't be weird about it, it's just that you taste like wine is a pretty sensual idea, for him. That's basically dirty talk.

He could keep petting Ryou's ears, but he's regrettably distracted.]

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, PLAYER1. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 10.11.0.0.01 * PLAYER1 has joined 10.11.0.0.01 <PLAYER1>** If you're looking for someone you knew as Yugi before June, you've found him! It's Atem, leave a message.

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i have wanted to do this for 84 years...

AT LAST.

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backfire :V

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