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knifemonopoly) wrote2021-02-05 06:28 pm
knifemonopoly) wrote2021-02-05 06:28 pm
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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, PLAYER1. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 10.11.0.0.01 *** PLAYER1 has joined 10.11.0.0.01 <PLAYER1> If you're looking for someone you knew as Yugi before June, you've found him! It's Atem, leave a message. | ||||
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[His hooves clip lightly along on the pavement.]
It's okay to not want them to repeat the things you've done that you don't like...but growing up to be like you wouldn't be bad at all.
cw: child abuse/neglect
I've had a miserable life, Atem.
[ Her mouth feels dry as she admits this. ]
I don't... I'm not even talking about all the things I did, I'm talking about all the things that happened. I had to get interdimensionally kidnapped to find any kind of family that even liked me. It...messes you up. A lot.
[ She's not looking at him. Just straight ahead, as...she tries to put some distance between them and the orphanage. ]
So. Yeah. If they're like me... If they've felt the things I've felt, I don't...want that for them.
no subject
But...]
There's still a difference between going through what you went through, and being like you. It left its mark on you -- I understand that. And it's good, to want to protect others from experiencing it, too.
But you're not the harm that's been done to you, either. Be careful talking about yourself like that mark, like those experiences, are all you are. If you say it too much, you'll start to believe it.
[Her specifying this...that's what he wants. That's what he means. The effect it had on her is part of her, but not all.]
no subject
She doesn't want them to grow up into her. She doesn't know what other people see in her, this hollow wreck of a girl, despite how grateful she is for them. She's stopped trying to push them away, and in her honesty...somehow they still want to love her.
And she can't reconcile it. Not with what she's done, or what she's experienced. Why, after so long, would adults finally start looking at her and seeing she needed help, when they ignored her for so long.
Why peers don't dismiss her, want to listen to her interests and don't laugh her down cruelly.
Why she's forgiven, time after time, for disappearing, lashing out, wanting, needing when that was never acceptable before.
...Why Cairo would look at what she did, how she acted, and still live in the same apartment, still offer her care and love. ]
I... [ She sighs and runs a hand through her feathered hair, messing up the ponytail and shaking free the shaggy bits that she tries to tuck behind her equally feathered ears. ]
I hear you. Okay? I do, it's just... It's a little— hard, sometimes, to- really get it.
...Sorry.
[ She is trying. But...she can't just change her whole way of thinking. Not that easily. ]
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After all...
...how hard has it been for him to stop feeling like he has to act, to be effective for his friends, to fix the world around him so it's better, even if right is out of reach? It's caused trouble, time and again, and he feels better about it right now, but...
It's probably frustrating for the people who tell Atem "you're enough how you are," too, when his whole upbringing taught him something else. And he didn't even learn it through...well, through neglect and suffering.]
It's okay.
You don't have to be sorry, and you don't have to get it today...
...but, it wouldn't be a bad thing to consider how you talk about it. I'm not saying not to express how you feel, but...
[Lighter, with a hint of a tease to it -- his tone goes from serious and worried to friendly and warm.]
If you do put yourself down, you know I won't let you get away with it.
cw: self harm imagery in narration but no actual self harm
It's...like when Steve told her not to call herself a crazy murderer, huh? Doesn't it feel awful, to talk about herself like that? Doesn't it make her feel disgusting? Yes—but she always feels like that. This is just- when it slips out, when she's so full of sharp aches and pains that it punctures her, and it leaks.
It never used to. Before, when she just pretended, so much, when she forced it all outward at everyone else with a smile that could cut diamonds. Now that smile cuts her own skin, instead, and all the sludge and poison she lives with pours forth, for everyone else to see.
Maybe part of her feels it serves them right. They want her to talk about what she feels, right? They want her to be open and honest and real, so it's for them, isn't it?
She hates that part most of all. She hates how ugly it is. How ugly all of it is.
Atem's tone lets up, warm like the sun his usual form can't go out in, and Riley's shoulders slump. She's tired. She's so tired. She hates when her friends talk like this about themselves, so she gets it—but she has to live with it. All the time. ]
...I'll try, alright? That's- all I can really do.
[ Not distant. Not defensive. Just tired. ]
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Changing how you think of yourself, when everyone's told you the same thing for so long...it's hard!
But, trying's good enough.
[And with that, he'll let the subject change!]
Seems like there are bad teachers everywhere, huh...
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[ Riley's bristling feathers relax...sort of. It's still not a fun topic, but it's better than herself—as long as she keeps from steering it to herself. ]
Not really surprised, honestly. There's always people who get into a profession like that for the wrong reasons.
no subject
Where I came from, a lot of the teachers were more interested in lording their power over us, and protecting the reputation of the school, than they were about what happened to us...they let students do whatever they wanted to each other, as long as it didn't get out.
Then, our homeroom teacher nearly expelled three of us, just because she could...
[The memories almost seem distant, now...Atem's been in Ryslig longer than he was awake in Domino City.
Huh.]
no subject
Wow. Mine just didn't care. Like...none of them. I don't think my coach came to a single practice.
[ It's possible...her beloved school was trash. ]
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["Just for the money"? What? He's got no idea what that's like.]
At least you can make it better here, right?
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...At least I can try.
[ Trying's good enough. That's what he said. She isn't so sure about that, if she just causes more harm, but—
Trying's good enough. She hopes that's true. ]
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If you want me along, or just want to talk it out, you know where to find me! But I'm sure you'll do fine.
[He believes in her, he's confident she'll find her way through this, navigate hunting for herself and helping others at the same time.]
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Yeah... Yeah, I know. Thanks, Atem. [ For coming with? For the offers? For still being here after everything?
All of it. Just all of it. ]