knifemonopoly | IC inbox

[He looks up. Anyone who didn't know him would assume he was just calm, maybe even relaxed, but the thing about his expression, the line of his shoulders, his tone, all of it says that he's not looking to pick a fight.

Which is weird, because he is always ready to fight.

Normal, for the pharaoh, is ready to go at a moment's notice, like a struck match that just needs something flammable to get close enough to him to start a real fire. His baseline is fierce protectiveness, not calm acceptance. But that's where he is.]

I assumed you had something to tell me, something you didn't want to leave a record of on either of our computers.

[ FUCKING SHIT DAMNIT

This is the opposite of what the Ring-Spirit was hoping to see.

Why. Why does this keep snowballing. The Ring-Spirit can't stop himself from pulling a face. Pharaoh you had one job, ]

...Not quite.

[ He makes a disgruntled noise, something closer to avian hissing than the growl it might otherwise be.

Frowning, he walks over to the pharaoh, coming to a stop only once they're quite close. He glares down at the pharaoh, willing something more to show up - he doesn't even care if eye contact with a vampire is incredibly stupid. ]

I suppose I've got something to say as well, but talking really wasn't the goal.

[ - do something, crack, fuck this up already - ]

[You know, someone with different life experiences, with a different history, might hear a line like that, delivered while stepping in close, and think this was a booty call.

The pharaoh, however, jumps to something else.]

...revenge, then?

[There's a flicker of life in his eyes. There's still fight in there, but...more calculation than resistance, more weighing costs and odds.]

Ryou wouldn't have done what he did if the parasite hadn't caught me. If our positions were reversed, and Yugi hurt his heart for someone who'd wronged me, I'd be furious!

I've still got one more death before I start to lose my memories. Is that what you're after?

[Is he about to feel sharp, wicked claws in his heart?

It'll be the second time this week.]

[ The Ring-Spirit just.
...Frankly, he looks disappointed. Then he sighs, sounding more resigned than anything. ]

Fucking hell, I wish.

[ The Ring-Spirit bends in closer, and if the other Yugi doesn’t interfere - ]

[ - he gets a very tight hug. ]

...Even if he doesn’t go back to normal, Ryou still exists - he might be different, but he’s not gone. He didn’t fucking blow up his own damn soul, and it’s not even your fault.

[The pharaoh freezes.

He's -- waiting for pain, actually.

Which doesn't come.

Instead, he's told, it's not even your fault and he's not gone, and he should probably wonder if this is some kind of trap, but there's part of him that trusts someone with this voice, knows it, recognizes it, and--

--his eyes shut.

He gives in. Small shoulders, determined to carry whatever they need to, even if it's the whole world, relax. The hug's not returned, exactly, but it's leaned into, and, yep, those are hands that've come up to the sides of the harpy's shirt, and grip it, until it's pulled away from, because it is, it is, it is his fault, and--!

In a tone that's more upset than any the Ring-Spirit has heard up until now, either into a shoulder if the hug lasts more than a second or two or just after it's broken if it doesn't, he says:]

I have to help him. I'm trying, but -- I don't know how.

[Is blowing up his soul something Ryou has done...? What the heck, man, how? That's a question for later, though.]

Edited 2021-05-27 04:29 (UTC)

[ When not!Adam leans into the hug, the other's arms tighten around him instinctively.

That other is also not exactly pleased with the situation or any of the parties involved here - why couldn't the pharaoh have just done something, anything, to recall the hate that's supposed to prevent this kind of bullshit? The hatred's important! He needs that?? This was avoidable.

The Ring-Spirit doesn't hug people. He's not entirely sure how to stop... or. entirely want to, really,,, It's. kind of. nice to hold somebody like this? He can't forget who this somebody is though, ugh.

Then ~~Adam~~ NOT!Adam speaks, in that tone and... Really, the Ring-Spirit ought to be happy to hear the pharaoh so distressed. That he keeps thinking about Adam by accident shouldn't affect that, it's got no business doing so. He doesn't want it to. ...He doesn't, right...?

He also doesn't want to let go of even this somebody now though, fuck. ]

...I don't have advice. I never know either.

[The dead pharaoh has not come around to hugs entirely, not casually, not all the time, but...sometimes, your not-aunt pulls you into a hug and it quiets the madness that's been buzzing in your brain for as long as you can remember, and sometimes, your friend just throws a tail over your lap while you talk together on the beach and doesn't move it, and sometimes, you hold a cat tight to your chest to keep the loneliness inside you away, and they're nice, right? They do things to your brain and your heart that feel nice.

And he doesn't deserve it, does he? He does not deserve to be held and supported, after...!]

I'll keep looking.

[That's a promise, because all he can do is promise, right? Promise and keep trying?

His hands tighten in the fabric they're gripping.]

I should have found a way to stop it before it came to that.

[He'd tried, but...but his friends had still been hurt. He feels like he should have been able to control it, bring it back, hold it still at least. There had to be a way, had to be a solution, and he hadn't found it, which means he lost!

No, he can't. He can't accept this. He lets go, pulls back, pulls away, because if it's not enough that Ryou gave him a peaceful death he'd had no right to, it's definitely too much to get to feel better because of this Very Complicated Other Guy deciding to hijack your feeling-better brain chemicals without permission. He angles his body away, addressing the other monster half over his shoulder.]

I should have--left things alone, I could've avoided all of this if I'd been less careless--!

[He says "less careless." He means, "psychically known that two parasite events in four months wasn't particularly unlikely and that his habit of going places alone and investigating an animal he's attached to would lead to infestation."

Someone's got to understand that, right? People keep saying "it's not your fault" and "I don't blame you" and "we understand," but they're wrong, and surely, surely this guy will recognize that all this only happened because the pharaoh hadn't made the right play a week ago, hadn't figured out a way to twist the rules in his favor in time, had failed! And people were terribly hurt in ways he can't remedy!

Please, like, blame him. At least a little bit.

Because, while it's good that his friends aren't mad at him, the alternative to blame is there are things in Ryslig you can't predict, control, or win against, and, uh, that's way too terrifying to think about. He's rejecting it out of hand.]

Edited 2021-05-27 16:08 (UTC)

[ Hey, no, this hug's done when the Ring-Spirit decides it's done - attempts to escape are automatically met with resistance. The Ring-Spirit is the precise blend of determination and unreasonableness to be willing to turn a hug into a headlock if it comes to that; suck it up, Pharaoh, you are GETTING hugged,,! ]

Tch!

[ Also, that attitude? It's one that pisses him off. If he can adjust to playing a long game, so can this asshole. ]

"Coulda shoulda woulda" - that's not how you fucking play this game, Pharaoh. No one - not you, not me - wins every round. You keep going, keep playing - every round that ends with you still existing is a round that's followed by another. Playtime spent on reviewing your ~score~ in the last round is playtime lost in the current round.

Who still exists? The point's not getting a perfect score, it's staying in the game. If you get this fucked up over not 100-percenting ONE round, you're going to fucking lose the GAME.

[--all right, he's being held here. He's not mad enough about it to turn to mist and slip away, which he knows he can do if this goes too far, but he is mad enough to work his thin arms between them, palms pressed to the Ring-Spirit's chest.]

I know!

[This guy's speaking his language, the other Yugi understands exactly the kind of strategy advice he's getting, and it's good advice, the Ring-Spirit's right, the point is to stay in the game, to get to the end with as much of your heart (memories, sanity, relationships) as you can, and dwelling is lost (wasted) time.]

But if I don't identify what I did wrong and why, then I'm not prepared to stop it from happening again!

[Something he can't put his finger on, about pushing away but being held in place anyway, is emotionally reassuring. He's not examining it, he's too busy talking furiously and intensely about game strategy.]

So, I have to review it, before the next round comes up.

[Fog. Arrivals. The mid-month event. It's like clockwork: he's got a week to breathe, and then...]

[ The Ring-Spirit is good with the current push/hold ratio, this works. ]

You can't have a flawless strategy in place for every possible scenario. Trying to have ~the perfect solution~ for an infinite number of might-happens doesn't help, it paralyzes - and you're still not listening.

Who still exists, Pharaoh?

You're so focused on not clearing with a perfect score that you're ignoring the fact you cleared.

[ Welcome to what winning looks like for Normal People, o Divine King. It's a very mixed bag. ]

Edited 2021-05-28 09:45 (UTC)

[A long, long time ago, a boy was picked to be that Divine King, a boy who loved games and hid from before-dawn lessons in vases and fell asleep on his throne. He was supposed to be a figurehead, a child-king on the throne of the Great House, while the priests arranged things as they saw fit behind him, priests whose hands were already stained in blood, priests who told him he was a god on earth, and it was his very important solo job to preserve the magical order of the universe, so the world didn't fall into chaos.

And he swallowed so much of that kool-aid that when it came time to magically protect the universe, he didn't hesitate to rend his own soul, because it's up to him to have the solution, it's up to him to protect and preserve, against dark gods of destruction.

And to protect and preserve hearts. The people. The friends who matter. The people he thinks have been wronged.

He might not remember why he thinks this way, but these habits of thought are still in place, just colored by the magic he's been fused with. He's the only one who has to have the solution, it is his job to do this, to get it right. He's got to look out for Normal People, because that's what a friend does.

And, in the face of all of that, he answers the question.]

Ryou does.

[...and, his forehead drops onto the harpy's chest, resting heavily against a collarbone.]

I do.

[...it might be a little bit muffled by feathers.]

[ Part of the Ring-Spirit truly is a god - a dark, destructive one, but no less a god; human concerns... just, don't make a lot of sense sometimes. ...ok, a lot of times. The things little mortals tie themselves into knots over! Not getting what ya wanted sucks, yes, but that doesn't seem to be the actual issue here, so???

Part of the Ring-Spirit is a king who chose his crown - maybe a choice born out of injustice and enraged grief, but a choice all the same. No, more than a choice; he'd carved his own throne into existence through sheer spite. He understands aiming for 100%, not being willing to settle for anything less - but that's a reason to keep going, not to grind to a halt.

The Ring-Spirit, even if he knew the whys behind the Other Yugi's thought process, still wouldn't understand it. ]

Exactly. And that's what matters: because there is no downtime between rounds. Every moment spent reviewing is a moment of playtime lost.

[ This isn't about Ryslig, he's talking game theory for "life in general" here, try to keep up. ]

[...he thinks about a voice, similar but different, that told him that if he didn't take time to unwind and rest, he'd run the risk of making mistakes, of slipping up. That he couldn't keep going, all of the time, or his game would suffer.

What he's doing...hasn't been resting. It's been holding down the gas pedal while the car's in park, it's been letting the engine of his mind, restrained by its absence of direction, run and run and run without getting anywhere.

And that does no good to anybody.

He still exists. Ryou still exists. Even the pharaoh can't win every round; he can be okay with that, he's lost rounds before, because the game isn't over. He needs to make more deliberate use of his time: if he needs to rest, he should actually rest, not spin out uselessly in what-ifs.

Learn, adapt, play the game. Clear the levels. Don't let what happened in the last one penalize you in the next.

Don't let yourself be paralyzed, don't doubt, don't hesitate -- or you're dead.]

You're right. There's nothing useful about what I've been doing...it's important to rest sometimes, but it only helps if you're actually resting!

It's no good to waste time.

[Time spent getting real rest, time spent with friends...that's not a waste, that helps keep you sane. Time spent beating yourself up over past mistakes, though...that's inefficient.

Heh. He really wasn't expecting to get support here, from this guy. Man, Triffany is right, taking the time for human (or monster) contact is important.

But, he can't help but wonder...]

...

...

...how long are you going to hold me?

[dry as tomb-dust.]

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