knifemonopoly | IC inbox

[He stumbles back.

It's a lot. It's so much. It makes Atem breathe, like he does when he's feeling something he can't entirely contain, when he needs to center himself in his body, regulate what he's feeling in his body and in his heart.

Atem's back hits Ryou's door, the tendrils sprawling out behind him. He hasn't removed his hand from his own chest. He breathes, in and out, sitting with the anger, with the drive to avenge-fix-right burning under his skin like lit gasoline.]

--hhhhaaaaa--

[He grips his own face, holding himself by both sides, thumbs under his jaw, fingers spread over his cheeks. He murmurs, no more than a whisper, again and again, to them both:]

I know, I know, I know I know I know I know I know--

[Ryou doesn't speak much, doesn't assert himself in this possession. He just feels, and therefore makes Atem feel. It feels like he's curled around Atem's heart, like a snake that just wants to be loved and cared for but still manages to coil around its owner's arm and cut the circulation off.

This is what it means to be a shade. To be horrid and awful and full of spite.

Not all the time...but with growing frequency, Ryou gets caught in this exact feedback loop. And eventually, between Atem's words, he mutters his own, rasped quietly past Atem's lips.]

They don't.

They will.

[Atem's fingers start to trace little circles in place, on the soft, if not quite alive, skin. His tendrils pick themselves up and off the door, and wind around Atem's chest and waist.]

You're getting stronger all the time. It's secret, for now...but not forever.

[Ryou does derive some level of comfort from what Atem is doing, but he still doesn't feel calm about any of this.]

I wanted to help... but I can't. Because...s-somehow I messed it up...

[How does he always mess it up? He just wanted to be a good shade mentor while he was stuck home.]

[The laptop is right over there.

Atem can guess at least some of what it is that's bothering Ryou...]

Is it that...?

[A tentacle pokes in the direction of the machine.]

[Ryou reflexively looks over at the laptop, and there's a coil of superhot rage that is so very unlike Ryou that it's probably jarring. As if the rest of it wasn't.

...He doesn't say anything. But that's almost answer enough.]

[A tentacle stretches out, further than it's stretched before...

...and slams it shut.

It's cathartic for Atem at the very least, and his hands slide further down his own neck, firm and reassuring.]

Forget about it.

You didn't mess anything up. It was the people who came after you that did, asking you for things you didn't owe them and frightening the new people needlessly with worst-case scenarios.

[Lila. He's talking about Lila -- mostly.

He takes a deep breath in, then lets it out, tilting his head back against the door, looking up at the ceiling.]

Listen to me. You don't owe anyone your help -- or an explanation of the pain you've been through, so that they're not alone in feeling bad about their weaknesses.

[Definitely Lila this time.]

Let the other monsters figure it out on their own, this time. You worry about you...

[One hand drifts down to just below his collarbone, resting lightly against his chest, as though he could keep Ryou there with the touch.]

...it's our turn, to worry about us.

[The sound of the laptop being shut so forcefully...is actually somewhat cathartic for Ryou as well. It helps that Atem's feelings are starting to bleed into his own, and that he's being touched. Comforted.

Even though it's basically just Atem holding himself...Ryou feels as if he's being hugged and touched.

He glances up, because that's the way their head's moving, and he listens. It's easy to let Atem talk, to hear the voice echo in their head in a way that's different, because hearing someone's voice from the outside is one thing, hearing it from the inside seems to have a different resonance to it. It's how Atem hears himself, huh...

Most importantly though...he gets it. He understands why it's hard for Ryou. He'd just been trying to extend an olive branch, and yet...it had been snatched from his fingers, thrown to the ground, stamped and spit on.

But Atem knows.]

I didn't want to hurt Lila. I know...she's important to people.

[Ryou just wants to feel important to people too, sometimes. But...he doesn't.

The thought of it makes him feel very, very lonely. But he fights that by taking control of one of Atem's hands, running fingers through his--their--hair.]

I'm sorry that I jumped into you like this. I'm sorry for what I said before I did. I just...nnh. I just felt...like who I am, what I can do...it just makes people angry. And it made me angry.

[He's still angry, but that layer is peeling back, revealing more of his loneliness and self-doubt, rather than the bitter, unforgiving part of him that's powered by his monster type.]

I want to be.

[There's no anger, about what was said, about jumping into Atem's body -- I told you to, didn't I? And some of the tension Atem's holding relaxes as his hand runs through his hair.]

You're not responsible for anything that's said, that's not said by you...

[There's a flicker of pain, just a drop in the full bucket of Ryou's emotions, a contributing sadness.]

It's easier to predict an enemy than a friend. And, when it goes wrong...you can only learn, and adjust.

[But, back to business...]

I like Lila. She's a good friend to have. But she's not what I'd call a reasonable person! She puts her difficulties on others, sometimes, and she's bold enough to not be embarrassed about it, or stop...

[And she's had a lot of difficulties. Like them all.]

So, don't worry too much about her. You did the right thing, talking back. You have as much right to be, how you want to be, as anyone else, and anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong.

[Hah...is he preaching Fog doctrine? He might be, by accident...but, if it's what Ryou needs to hear, then...]

Don't let what was said on the network get into your head. You should -- what was it Cairo said...? -- "Touch grass."

Edited 2022-03-10 14:01 (UTC)

[Touch grass?

Ryou's been listening to everything Atem says and he takes it on board, understands that Lila is only lashing out because she's...jealous? Of Ryou? That's almost stretching credulity, even if Ryou can touch things.

But he has to ask:]

What do you mean...touch grass? Does that mean...forget about this?

[He doesn't think he can. It's settled in his heart and soul like a poison, just like Gabriel Morgenstern had. He wants to tell Atem how exhausting it is, feeling like people just don't like him, over things he can't control.

But that, he doesn't say.]

It means, don't let words on the network be bigger than they are. Go out and experience something else, until they don't feel as important.

I know it's hard, with your energy low...but it won't be that way forever!

[It can't. This game wouldn't make any PC unplayable.]

There's a party being thrown by a friend of mine this weekend. Beat -- the one that's teaching me how to snowboard. Want to come?

[Right...right.

Don't let it be worse than it is. That's right.

Ryou draws in a long, deep breath, then exhales it slowly, softly from their mouth. He has to be calm.

(he is not calm. atem can probably feel how not calm he is)

He just has to bring it in. Close it all up and be okay. Just pull it in...don't think about how what was said hurt. It's not important. It's not the main focus.]

...A party. This weekend?

[Ryou has to think about it...but he can't think about it like this. So...

Slowly, reluctantly, he slips out of Atem and reconstitutes as a shadow. He's not solid right at the moment, just a black amalgamation with sad, half-lidded eyes. He doesn't go solid yet because he feels...selfish. All the other shades struggle with it, and he's just insulted so many of them. He doesn't deserve it.]

I won't be able to do much partying in my current state. Are you certain you want me to go?

Of course I want you to go. But only if you want to go.

You've got time to decide...if the day comes and you're not up for it, I won't put the chain on your collar and make you!

But, if you get there, and you want a break before it's over...you can always rest in my heart.

[Ryou still looks pretty down on himself...but that still makes him smile, just barely.]

When you say things like that...it reminds me even more why I love you, Atem. Just about every thing you do...it makes me fond of you.

[Suddenly, he draws in a sharp breath, and the light of his eyes extinguishes as he squeezes them shut. Why does it still hurt? His most important person juts told him that he could possess him if he got tired. They just spent time together trying to forget terrible things...

So why does Ryou want to cry?

His eyes open again, sad little half-circles at best, and he looks over towards the other monster.]

...A-Atem, can you...do me a favor? Please?

Anything. What do you want?

[Ryou wouldn't ask him for anything he wasn't willing to do. Atem's confident in that. The trust is absolute.]

Mmnh...bite me.

[He extends a hand out, allowing for just that part of him to grow solid, and he settles his fingers on one of Atem's thighs. Selfish, terrible. Even now, he's lording his powers over everyone else, isn't he?

But no. He wants those thoughts to go away.]

If you're okay with it...I just want to be calm.

[With anyone else, a request like that might be odd, but...

...Atem just nods. He doesn't mind using his bite as a sedative, he's done it twice before, and this time isn't different. Ryou needs out of his own head, and he's too weak to do anything strenuous. It's like massaging the knots out of someone's shoulder: comforting, romanric with the right person person, a skill he is fortunate enough to have.

So, he gestures with his hand, beckoning Ryou to move in.]

Come here. In close. I'll do it.

[He's got to fight down an involuntary response, though, formed from long habit, when Ryou asks to be bitten. Now's not the time, it's just a flicker, easy to tamp down. He's good. Don't worry.]

Edited (Incredible typo but I'm not leaving it ) 2022-03-11 06:03 (UTC)

[Ryou is, of course, hesitant to be himself again. But he asked for this, so he couldn't procrastinate just because of his own self-destructive thoughts.

Quietly he shifts, floats closer, and the darkness melts back, features become more defined as he forces himself back to the very solidity that he'd fought to maintain. Something...something he could do. Something he couldn't live without.

His tail loosely settles against Atem's shin, and he presses their foreheads together, his eyes closed. He couldn't be any closer if he tried at this point, and this...it's where he belongs.

Here with someone who cares about him.]

I love you.

[He does. And he would whether Atem bit him or not.]

[Still in close, their noses nearly touching:]

I love you, too.

[He slides a hand up Ryou's neck, brings the other around to an arm, to support.

Tendrils wrap around Ryou'd waist, in case his legs give out.

Then, Atem moves his face away from Ryou's, lets his mouth drift over Ryou's throat. It's familiar territory now, he knows every inch by feel, and he finds one of the usual places with unhurried gentleness. He opens his mouth, slow enough to be a caress, then bites down. Twin fangs break the skin with care, with only the violence that can't be avoided, prying their way into a vein, permitted instead of forced.

And, he drinks.]

[Ryou is already accustomed to the prick of pain that comes with the initial bite. It makes him wrap his arms around Atem securely, and he flinches because it does hurt. But soon enough, he relaxes. It's fine. The sensation of Atem drinking his blood would usually prompt Ryou to count backwards. It's ritual. It's just what they do, so Atem knows when to stop.

...He's too distraught to do it this time. He remains silent, letting the calming effect wash over him and mask the bad feelings with comfort.

Atem's observant enough, Ryou's sure of it. That's why he doesn't say anything, he just lets Atem continue, his body slowly relaxing. He does start to lean pretty hard after a few long moments, his eyes slipping shut.]

[Atem knows what to look for. Even without the countdown, he knows how Ryou's heartbeat feels when it's calm, knows that he can't drink from Ryou so long that he can't support himself. So, between the moments when the heartbeat in both their chests slows and when Ryou will no longer be able to hold himself up...

...Atem stops.

He never wants to stop. But when he's feeding from a monster, it's not impossible to keep his mind, and Atem wants Ryou to stay alive, to not be weakened badly, more than he wants Ryou's blood, or even his heartbeat.

So, he pulls his teeth out of Ryou's neck as gently as he can, and holds him close and steady.]

Better?

[He asks, close by Ryou's jaw.]

[Ryou's tail maps a pathway along Atem's leg, coiling lazily down his thigh, past his knee, like a snake. Ryou doesn't mind that he's practically stooped down to have accommodated Atem, because it gives him more of an excuse to lean and seek comfort.

Wait.

Right. Atem asked him something. Does Ryou feel better? Hmm...he feels heavy, for certain. Heavier than usual, but ultimately, the warm, comforting calm that's washed over him is very much good.

No more vengeance. No more spite. Just the two of them, close and warm and loving.]

Mmm, yesssss...

[The s passes his lips with such laziness that he extends it, almost like a hiss, but without the venom usually associated with such a sound.]

I'm so...grateful for you...to be able to touch you. I don't care...if the others hate me.

[He murmurs the words quietly, like a secret.]

You shouldn't.

[A hand strokes through Ryou's hair.]

Making yourself unhappy...that won't make what they're going through any easier.

[This is mostly true. It won't fix their intangibility and identity issues.

It might give them vicious satisfaction, in a vengeful sort of way, to make sure everyone is unhappy in the same way as they are...

...but Atem's not going to allow that. The other monsters don't get to take what Ryou does have, what he's sacrificed a frankly immense amount of potential power for, away. They don't get to destroy other people's scraps of happiness, found against the odds in a horror setting, because they're sad too.

The tendrils gently nudge Ryou upright, towards his bed.]

Leave it alone. Come to bed.

Edited 2022-03-12 18:01 (UTC)

They seemed so...upset at me...

[Ryou isn't angry anymore. He's just...sad. Sad for them? Sad that they all dumped their hatred on him? Sad that he's still weak and susceptible to terrible things?

...He's not sure. He's just sad. And worn out. But he does feel a little better, so when he's nudged, he straightens up slowly, raising a hand up to rub at the corner of one eye. Reluctantly, his tail unwinds from Atem so he can take a few exhausted steps back, then turn to his bed.

The laptop is still there.

His tail prickles and his gaze sharpens. The laptop starts to float, hovering off to the side only to flop unceremoniously on the ground with what's honestly a satisfying clatter.

Then, and only then, does he take a seat at the edge of his bed. The same hand that had rubbed at his face a second ago moves instead to cover the bite mark, to make sure it's not bleeding too badly.]

[The clatter is satisfying.

Fuck that machine and everyone on it.

As he climbs onto the bed beside Ryou:]

Not your problem.

[Tendrils come out, to slide around Ryou's waist like an extra hand, to wind around one of his knees.]

You can't figure out being a shade for them. They've got to do that themselves. Just like you do.

[You can't meet anyone else's win condition for them, he remembers. That had been good advice.

When Ryou's hand comes away from his neck, Atem looks at it, sizes up how badly it's bleeding.]

Lie back. I'll clean the bite.

IC inbox

possession ongoing!!

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i am so sorry cw; flirting?

they're flirting,

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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, PLAYER1. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 10.11.0.0.01 * PLAYER1 has joined 10.11.0.0.01 <PLAYER1>** If you're looking for someone you knew as Yugi before June, you've found him! It's Atem, leave a message.