knifemonopoly | IC inbox

Please don't take all the blame. That's not fair. I did a lot of panicking after what happened on the network, back then. I tried to take the blame for what you all did, because of how I felt after killing those men, and because it's easier for me to do that kind of thing...to protect people.

[What a time to own your self-sacrificing habits, when you're sprawled partly on your prior-to-this-point estranged boyfriend's lap, while he's a massive vampire bat covered in bristly fur that doesn't quite match up with how velvety soft his ears are.

But he is owning it.]

I wouldn't change it. And I want you to know--what happened leading up to what we did back then...I would have found my way on that path anyway. The humans here...they're very good at hurting themselves. They don't need us to do it...but here we are, all the same.

That CEO deserved what he got. I'd kill him over and over just to protect those who can't protect themselves. Monsters could have really been hurt...and as for humans, they're just eating one another, in some form. We're helping it along, is all.

[He draws in a long breath that sounds almost painful...then sighs it out.]

Sorry, that's not quite on subject, is it? But I had a lot of time to think. Nephilim don't sleep, so...I needed to occupy my mind.

[Not every human is like that, Atem wants to say. Some of them are good. Some of them don't deserve what happens to them here.

But the words stick in his throat.

He can't think like that. Individual humans can't matter to him, or they all will, and he'll make the kinds of mistakes that led them to needing to turn to the Fog for power.

So, instead, he just gathers more of Ryou into his lap, into his too-long arms with their too-big hands, and backs away from the still-impassible wall, the unsolvable problem, the understanding he has to look away from that is, this place has done terrible things to us both, but this is what we need to be, to live long enough to get out.

He's got to think about something else. He can't get stuck in the grief of it, or he'll get nothing done.

So....he just holds Ryou closer, and does his best to forget that he has no idea how all of this will end.]

I'm glad...that we talked. Just because it's eaiser for me to take control, and for you to throw yourself into danger for others, doesn't mean it's what's best...we'll both try to act knowing that we do that when things get difficult, and maybe, we won't end up in a place like this again.

[They really are made for each other.

The truth is...Ryou, when he says that he'll kill people to protect those that can't protect themselves...he means humans too. But they didn't get it, what kindness had been bestowed upon them. They just wanted to be scared of terrible monsters.

It'll always cut deep...so Ryou bandages it, so tightly that the wound can't breathe. Atem doesn't value humans anymore either, right? It would be disingenuous if Ryou did.

When Atem pulls more of him up onto his lap, Ryou makes himself even more comfortable, pulling both hands to his heart and nuzzling into Atem's chest. He doesn't want to think about what terrible things he's done, and how he wasn't any better than the Ring-Spirit for being a murderer who would destroy lives out of his own personal brand of justice.

Ryou has done enough thinking about this kind of thing. So...he takes the subject change in stride.]

Mmh. [He nods at Atem's words.] I'm glad we talked too. I was sad...thinking that maybe we wouldn't come to this kind of conclusion. That...maybe things would go a different way. But if there's still a chance for us to make it right, then...I'm glad.

[Ryou won't say what the "different way" could have been. It lends such an unwanted scenario too much weight in this moment.

He breathes out a soft exhale, relaxing in Atem's grip. He wants to close his eyes and sleep, finally, after a month of not being able to. Here, with his big bat boyfriend.]

There is. I'm sure of it!

We're going to be all right. But...

...there was something I wanted to suggest. A possibility, for the future -- for when you're ready.

[Huh...Ryou thought they'd gone over pretty much everything, honestly. But...evidently not.

He glances up at Atem with an uncertain look on his face.]

A possibility...? What do you mean?

What I mean, is...

...if you find someone else you wanted to date, alongside me...I would be all right with that. You don't have to...but, if there's someone it would make you happy to start seeing, then, I'll be happy for you.

[He wasn't always able to do this. For most of the last year, the idea made him uneasy...he felt possessive, he didn't want to share, didn't want anyone else touching Ryou like he did.

But, now...now, he's able to back off a little, and he feels it might be good for Ryou to be able to go to more than one person for what he needs. At the very least, Ryou should have permission, should know that it's an option for him, even if nothing ever comes of it. He's free, if he wants: but only if he wants. It won't hurt Atem, to do it.]

[Hey uh. What?

Ryou stiffens where he's at, and even his snakes look flabbergasted. What? Whaaaat?!?!

Why is Atem saying that? Does he think Ryou's too much to handle, so he wants to split the difference? No, no. He didn't say that. Ryou should think of it that way.

But he still feels weird though. Now the uncertainty is a full-blown worried expression. He wants to ask if Atem wants him to find someone else, but instead...what he actually asks is:]

What about you? Do you...have you been, um. Thinking about...doing the same?

[...he shakes his bat-head.]

No. There's no one else I want to be seeing right now. And, as long as you're not comfortable with it, I won't...

...but I've realized that I'd be comfortable with it, if that became something you wanted. I wanted to let you know that you could...and let you know early, before it became something uncomfortable between us, or something you felt like you couldn't tell me about.

[Okay. Alright. There's no lounging to be done here. Not on a topic like this.

Ryou slowly pulls his body back, holding himself upright and awkwardly toying with one of his snakes, since the hair he usually plays with when he's nervous has been replaced with such.]

I think it's more complicated than that. Atem, I...I wouldn't want to stand in your way if you wanted to be with someone else either. But...I don't think I could really say that I'm interested in anyone.

That is...uhm, I appreciate you letting me know that I could pursue another person if I wanted.

But I don't...think...I could date more than one person. M-maybe at some other point, but definitely not now. And there's not really...anyone?

Sorry, this was just pretty sudden to touch upon. I thought maybe, if you wanted to let me know that it was okay for me, that maybe you had someone in mind for you! L-like...I don't know. Beat?

[Oh.

Oh fuck. Shit. He hadn't meant to meander himself into that kind of assumption. No no nononono--]

But if I'm wrong, that's also very fair, you did have time to spend with lots of other people! I! I...

...I'm going to stop talking now.

[His eyes widen at the Beat insinuation. What?! Really? Ryou thinks so?!]

Really, I don't think of Beat that way! I'm happy for him, that he's getting the affection he deserves, and he's in a situation where he's happy. You don't have to worry about him!

And, even if I did date someone like him...it wouldn't mean I loved you any less. It'd mean I had something different with them -- like how I trust it would be, for you. I wouldn't be competing...because what you had with them would be different from what you had with me, and both would be important to you.

But it's all right...like I said, it doesn't have to happen now, or at all! I can date only one person, and be happy...and, I'm happy with you. We can stay like this as long as you want.

[Ryou would like to dissolve into the atmosphere. He has never missed being a shade so much as he does now, so he can just vanish and flit away and pretend this didn't happen.

But he's a naga, and there's nearly thirty feet of him to contend with. So...instead, he awkwardly thps a few times, his snakes shyly hiding in his hair.]

I'm happy with you too. I...I want to stay this way. I don't know if anything might change in the future, and you're welcome to tell me if that's the case, but. You're enough for me to be happy.

I was scared enough thinking you might've gone for good. Let's, um. Let's keep things simplified.

That is, I...c-can't really see myself involving another person, when I still have work to do with just the two of us.

[His words are clumsy and awkward, but he hopes he gets his point across. One potential catastrophe at a time, please...]

I understand!

[No, really, he does...he's felt the same way. He's wanted his feet under him, not wanted to worry about having to manage two or more relationships when he was still getting used to one.

He'll lean in, if he's allowed, and press his bat-nose to Ryou's forehead in a fuzzy, bristly kiss.]

I think that's wise. We do need to work on us...

...so, let's give us plenty of attention, okay?

[Can he pull Ryou close again? He's gonna try!]

[Bat kiss absolutely permitted. Ryou is very relieved that Atem gets it, but then, it's very infrequent that he doesn't understand how Ryou feels.

Sometimes the don't see eye to eye...but they're working on it. It's...heartening to think of things that way. So, naturally, Ryou allows himself to be pulled in again, smiling with genuine happiness as he's tugged in. One arm loops around Atem's back, between the sofa cushions and his wings, but gently so.]

H-haha. I'm alright with that.

[This time, it's him pressing a kiss to the underside of Atem's chin, while his snakes thpthpthp at Atem's cheeks. All of the boys are happy!

Though...come to think of it...]

...You still smell like cherries.

[Look at all of them go...the two snakes are pretty cute, now that they're being all friendly...]

You usually smell sweet! The only difference is that it's candy, not pastry...

[Scuse him while he sticks his bat snout right into Ryou's hair and sniffs around! It's silly, affectionate, and driven by a relief that they talked, that they're going to try to be all right, to go back to supporting each other instead of clinging to what they want but need to not have for the other's sake.]

W...what? Atem! You can't just say that...

[Ryou is definitely blushing now, but his snakes seem perfectly charmed, flicking their little tongues out in interest against Atem's bat face. Compliment accepted, even if under duress.

Not enough duress to push Atem away though. The sniffing is allowed!]

Oh yes, I can!

[The sniffs and snuffs turn into rubbing his cheeks against the side of Ryou's head.]

It's good! It means you're getting to have what you like...

[Always a good thing, when Ryou is eating what he likes, when he's able to enjoy himself...it's better than the alternative.]

[Ryou huffs, a childish pouting behavior. So sue him. He sure wishes he could be the one on the sofa, so he could wrap himself around Atem properly. There's nothing he'd like better than to be the one with Atem on his lap, rather than the other way around.

Alas...]

Of course I can! I can go out and buy whatever I like to eat!

[He knows that's not what Atem means but all the same.]

Still, um. I'm glad I don't...smell bad? If that doesn't sound weird.

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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, PLAYER1. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 10.11.0.0.01 * PLAYER1 has joined 10.11.0.0.01 <PLAYER1>** If you're looking for someone you knew as Yugi before June, you've found him! It's Atem, leave a message.