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knifemonopoly) wrote2021-02-05 06:28 pm
knifemonopoly) wrote2021-02-05 06:28 pm
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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, PLAYER1. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 10.11.0.0.01 *** PLAYER1 has joined 10.11.0.0.01 <PLAYER1> If you're looking for someone you knew as Yugi before June, you've found him! It's Atem, leave a message. | ||||
I'm thinkin...1/2 for this one
As before, despite how terrible it had turned out last time, Ryou comes bearing treats--a small cup of konpeito that they can share. It's pure sugar. Ryou definitely needs some damn sugar to get through this, he thinks, as he raps his knuckles gently against Atem's door.]
Hey...are you busy?
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But, when Ryou knocks, he sits up.]
No -- come in!
[Ryou's tone only cuts through Atem's own thoughts after he's said that and rolled onto his seat, one leg dangling off the bed.
Oh.
Uh oh.
Which one of them did something this time...?]
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It's him now. He can't continue to deny it forever...can he?
Regardless, Ryou smiles, and it looks a little apologetic. Once he's closer, he holds the cup out, tilting it a little to reveal the sugar stars inside.]
Here--if you want one.
...I promise, I won't be long with this. I just want to...run something by you.
[No secrets. Atem has his trust. Ryou has to prove it...by warning Atem, right? Not by bending to his beliefs, but by telling him what's going to happen, and trusting in turn that Atem will understand.]
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[He's leery. Nervous, especially after last time.
It feels a lot like last time.
But Atem takes the candy, despite the ache where his heart would be pounding, if it were alive, and resolves to listen carefully. No misunderstandings this time.]
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It's hard not to be afraid of what this could mean for them, when they'd only begun to mend. But going back to being a shade is difficult enough, and he's about to exacerbate it...for the good of the peninsula.
...And for himself.
Quietly, he takes a seat on Atem's bed, settling his hands on his lap while his clawed toes fiddle with the carpeting.]
I've been putting a lot of thought into this, just to lead with that. What I plan to do isn't something I'll do lightly. I need you to know that.
[He sounds very sure of it, even as he hesitates before speaking again. But he does continue.]
I think I want to try and push back against the Fourth God. I want to show the Fog that I can help bring balance. Things aren't right since Felfri, and I should do more. But...I mostly want to reach a higher power level, so I can feel...safer.
...But we know both know what that kind of thing means, Atem.
[Self-sacrifice. Something big, that'll shake the population up.]
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You'll be in danger of dying. And other monsters may be angry with you, depending on what you do.
[He's calm. He's calm, even if his head is swimming.]
What is it that you're going to do?
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I need something for me, that's only because of something I did.
[He needs to prove that he's not just going to lean on others. He has to know that this power, this strength of will...is his own.
To answer Atem's other question, however...he has to open his opposite hand, revealing a relatively small object.]
This is going to help me with that. I know people have been worried that I might do something idiotic and hurt myself with it. But after all the researching I've done, I've decided to make a calculated move instead.
[Glowing eyes turn to look at Atem, gauging his expression.]
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He wonders...can Ryou throw it out, at this point? If he chose to? Or are they on destiny's tracks, and this will play out no matter what's done?
Atem's expression...isn't excited. It's not happy. It's thinking, calculating -- recognizing that thought has been put into this, and that if the bomb's going to go off, Ryou might as well get a payout from it.
The thing is, though -- the two paths in front of him are "probably bad," and "definitely bad." If Ryou goes through with this, maybe he'll become a priest, with a set of powers that can rival anyone on the peninsula; maybe it won't be so bad, maybe he'll be generally left alone. It's also very possible that it will take the existing cracks in Ryou and shatter him along their fault-lines: that Ryou will lose his trust in others, be robbed of his confidence, return to never going outside alone because he's scared, or follow the pattern of turning himself in to L̷̝̒a̸̖̍ ̵̙͂F̵̗̦͆̕ȯ̶̪̔r̷̨͐t̴̪̺̋̄e̸̛͆͜r̶̞̊̕ȇ̵̝ş̸̬̓ś̴̬e̴̞̳͠-̶̺̱̕-̵̗͈͑̓
Things Atem cannot bear might happen. And if he cannot bear them, then...
Well. The alternative is worse. If Atem moves to stop Ryou now, that is assured disaster.
He has no choice but to wait and see how this goes...to take it as an indicator of how things will be. Will Ryou be able to earn the Fog cloak on his own, and come out of it stronger? Or will they both...break?]
I won't try to talk you out of it. I know better. I know how important this is for you.
[He's quiet a moment.]
How much do you want to tell me about what you've got planned?
[He won't act against Ryou, won't sabotage it. But...for his own sake, he'd like to know what the plan is, even when it's likely to go off the rails. A blurry picture of the way ahead is better than complete blindness.]
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But...he's trying to stop being scared, and to be anything but a burden to those who care about him. Mostly though...he wants something that doesn't feel like Atem gave it to him. It's exceedingly selfish, but he remembers what Atem said during their last argument...and he can't let it go. Maybe it's true, maybe it's not...but he doesn't care anymore.
Some pain, for himself or for others, seems necessary to set things on the proper path. And if it helps the Fog to regain power, then all the more reason, right?]
I appreciate that you aren't going to tell me not to...because this isn't something I want to negotiate on, even though I don't want to hurt you by dismissing your opinion.
I...I did intend to tell you whatever you wanted to know. It would be wrong not to, since the way this thing seems to work, it'll be worse if I don't.
[He takes a breath, then sighs it out.]
I can tell you about how the gem works to start, since it'll make more sense what I plan to do.
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If Ryou is going to stop being so scared, then...he has to sink or swim. Atem is terrified that he's going to sink -- that this will end up a situation like what Noa talked about, where, in the middle of the worst misery of their lives, they vanish -- but Atem cannot protect Ryou here.
If Ryou is going to break, Atem has to let that happen.
Ryou has his full attention; Atem leans forward slightly, from his seat on the bed, as though someone were explaining the rules in a game of life or death.]
Okay.
I'm listening.
[Tell him what's coming.]
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According to everything I've read, this gem is an ancient magic. I think it even predates Mana. It's not clear if it was made by the Fog, by Mana's predecessor, or both. Maybe it was even something a shade did. I don't really know, but I know what I wanted it for.
It takes in bad feelings, like a shade can, and holds them to alleviate the stress of whoever uses it. You just have to concentrate on it. The thing is...taking feelings doesn't mean they'll go away forever. A sentient mind will circle back and think about something hard enough to make it a problem again, and you have to keep using the gem to siphon it out.
...It has a limit though. Because the feelings don't dissipate.
[He taps one claw against the gem, frowning.]
They come back for the user because that's how thinking works. But the jewel doesn't give them back. It takes, and takes...and it's very easy to become dependent on the gem while you're letting it take your thoughts. Until it finally overloads and unleashes everything inside it to attack you and everyone around you. The books don't say what that means...just that it's not ideal, and can be lethal to the last person who touched the gem.
[Ryou smiles wryly, his tail tip flicking rapidly where it's settled. There's no color flash as of yet, but what he says next is not particularly happy.]
I imagine everyone expected me to use it until it blew up in my face without me realizing. In fact, I'm certain of it. I can't even make a network post without Saint-Germain wondering if something's wrong with me, so I guess I give off that feeling to people. But...I was never going to use it that much.
[He shakes his head.]
...Now though, I'm going to do it. I'm going to think of nothing but terrible thoughts and bad feelings, so I can fill it up anyway. Because when it's full, it unifies with its user and uses them as a conduit to push out all the badness on everyone else.
So...I'm going to ask the Fog if She will help me use that to attack the Fourth God and his followers. It will probably lead to me dying, one way or the other. But it might also lead to giving the Fog her strength back, if I can destabilize Elias.
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In fact, he's quite careful not to. Atem is hyperaware of where it is; he won't let it come into contact with him directly.
He doesn't say that, yes, he expected the gem to go wrong on him -- like Riley's necklace went wrong on her. It's what happens when a monster picks up the wrong item.
He also doesn't say that taking control over it and utilizing it as a tool against Elias is probably the best thing Ryou could have done with the situation.
And, finally...
...he doesn't say that what Ryou is doing is hurting himself in order to hurt others. Or remind him that if it happens around the 14th, then it will likely affect all monsters, the way events do. Ryou knows. He must know. And, if he doesn't...then, Atem reminding him will make him feel stupid. Bringing it up is a no-win.]
And...
...when it's over...
...what will you want from me?
Are you going to open yourself up to retaliation?
[Since that's such a popular choice among monsters who do things like this.]
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It has to be big, if he intends to gain something more from the Fog for his trouble.
Up until this point, he's avoided doing more than share eye contact with Atem, but once he's asked, he reaches a hand out, tentatively, and sets it on one of Atem's knees.]
I want your understanding. And, if you were up to it, your comfort. But I'm not asking for more than that. What I'm doing will likely anger those who can't understand why it's being done, and those who are rightfully upset for whatever I might cause them to endure.
...I'm not sure that I'll do what Beat did though. I have to see where the pieces fall once everything goes to hell.
[It will. He doesn't doubt it.]
I know it won't ever be a perfect plan, but I hope that it means something to you that...I want to be stronger, and that I don't want you to help me with this. You've done enough for me, and...truthfully, I don't want you involved more than you need to be, for your sake.
[Atem is still fragile around the edges, and that is Ryou's fault.]
And anyway...leading up to the eventual overload, I...I might not be myself, Atem. The feelings start to amplify the closer it gets to critical mass, and the gem can't hold them alone. That means...I-I'm going to be upset, a lot.
I don't want you to feel like you need to stay for my sake, but I hope you understand that those words aren't coming from a normal place. I love you. I do.
[It'd be better if, once Ryou gets too far gone, they were apart again, even if it makes Ryou's head hurt, and his eyes burn and his ears lower in sheer upset at the thought. He's tired of it, of them being split apart.
It makes him scared, because that might need to be their reality, gem or no gem. Maybe it'd be better...but he doesn't want to give Atem up. It's painful to think about it...]
cw torture mention in meta
...have been efforts to get it through to other monsters that they should leave Ryou alone.
He killed in terrible ways, with traps and machines Amanda Young taught him how to make, to be a frightening presence, to show he and the people under his protection were too dangerous to mess with, because AM hurt Ryou in the dollhouse, and it showed Atem that the only way to be effective was through being the thing that generated horror.
He picked a fight with AM personally, giving up his last free life in the process, to try to ensure it wouldn't happen again.
He went through with broadcasting the recording of the Illumination Industries game, where Ryou committed murder on tape, destroying his own good name and several precious relationships in order to give Ryou a gift that would mean he could never be hurt without retribution -- that, still, was not enough to keep Ryou from undergoing torture that broke him further.
In retaliation for that torture, Atem became a true torturer himself. Not just someone who used machines and games with consequences, not just someone who trapped people in painful illusions -- a true, immediate, flesh-and-blood torturer.
And now...
....
Ryou is choosing to open himself up to retaliation, from people who are "rightfully upset."
Once again, what Atem has worked for...is being thrown away. And, if Atem moves to protect Ryou anyway, from further hurt, that will just break and break and break -- will that be the wrong move, for Ryou? For them?
He's stuck in a situation he can't turn good. Every choice is bad. He's helpless.
Atem opens his mouth, goes to reply, that it doesn't matter if those people are "rightfully upset," it doesn't mean they have the right to hurt him, and that he should fight back --
-- but, then, Ryou goes on.
Atem's eyes widen.
A lot of implications hit him at once.
I don't want you involved more than you need to be, for your sake. Ryou thinks he's weak. He is weak. Ryou isn't wrong, and that's worse.
I'm going to be upset, a lot. Those words aren't coming from a normal place. Ryou is going to hurt himself, and potentially hurt Atem, because of words and feelings he won't be able to control.
Ryou needs to be stronger. Ryou should go after this for himself.
But Ryou's decided that the price he's willing to pay is everything Atem's given up before now to protect him, his own life, and --
-- and, hurting Atem.
He doesn't like anything about this. He doesn't see a way out of it where anything is okay. He could argue, don't let them retaliate without a fight, or you're disrespecting everyone who's fought to protect you, but.....
....
....nothing he did was effective in protecting Ryou anyway. Not in a way that was good enough. What would be the point, in asking for it to be respected...?
His jaw sets.]
I understand.
I'm glad you want to be strong...I think this has a good chance of working. That it'll get you the powers you're looking for.
...and, I understand that you've considered the cost. Thank you, for warning me...about what's going to happen.
[It's not cold. It's not collected, either, not quite...but it's words chosen carefully, ones that obscure what's happening in his heart.]
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But it feels so sanitized and completely removed from the bond they'd shared before this point that a flicker of orange lights the end of Ryou's tail, and he pulls his hand away from Atem's leg, breaking contact nervously. His hand hovers, all the same, but...it's wrong. This is all wrong.]
Atem...this is going to happen anyway, but...you don't have to be dishonest with your feelings. I thought we'd decided against that kind of behavior. So if you're concerned about something, we should talk about it.
There isn't an incorrect dialogue tree here. And if you need me to explain something better, I can. Or...if you have thoughts...about anything I've brought up...
[This time, Ryou doesn't set his hand on Atem's lap. No, he reaches for one of his hands, and there's nothing but concern in his expression. He's worried about how Atem is taking this, and he's not going to allow for anything to slip by him. He meant it when he said he loved Atem just now, even if Atem didn't say it back, because he was worried about something else.]
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...it grips Ryou's hand back.]
I --
[He's quiet a moment.]
This is...your offering. Your plan. I...I'll support it, and won't get involved.
But, I...
[He looks up and makes eye contact with Ryou, finally.]
...I don't want you to let people you think are "rightfully angry" hurt you more than you already are. I understand if you don't want my protection from them, and I won't make you accept it...especially since, when it comes down to it, it's only so effective.
[If Ryslig decides a monster is going to get to attack Ryou, they'll get to Ryou, no matter how Atem feels about it, or what he does, or how hard he fights.]
But I don't care if they want to hurt you. I don't care if you think it's right to give them a shot. I don't want you to let them have it. Ever since we met, I've been fighting for you, even if it wasn't always a good thing...but, it's been important enough for me to make effort and sacrifice, for the sake of keeping you near me and happy. So, if you let yourself be hurt, despite all I've done...do you understand how that would make me feel...?
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[Ryou brings Atem's hand to his lips, presses a kiss gently to the backs of his fingers...then stares at him with resolute, brightly glowing eyes and continues.]
They won't touch me, ever again. They're wrong, to think that them being angry means they can ever lay a hand on me without retribution. I've been angry with others before, but unless something has stolen my ability to control myself...I've rarely attacked someone.
Even Beat, back in Felfri...when I found out how he felt, and that he'd betray me if it served E+L, I just threatened, never struck. If I can control myself that well...then everyone else can do me the courtesy.
And if they can't...
[Here, his eyes half-lid.]
They'll regret trying to hurt me. I'm not giving them the opportunity, Atem.
I've withstood enough. This might be for the Fog, to balance things out. But it's for me too. To show every person who thought to speak to me about Felfri like it was a pleasure cruise.
[To the ones who belittled him for having a thought and feeling, and then proceeded to decide that his feelings didn't matter because clearly, he hadn't met some moral bar by being neutral. Or the ones that decided he was weak for being tortured.
The ones who wouldn't even let him be kind to others, without reminding him that their suffering would always be worse, and that he shouldn't dare to ever try and act as an authority on his own monster type.
Finally, Ryou lets their hands lower, but he uses it as leverage to tug Atem closer, if Atem allows it.]
I know that you've given up a great deal in the pursuit of protecting me. I haven't made it easy...and whether that was on purpose or not...it's not relevant. I won't let myself be hurt, ever again, not if I can fight.
[It's a surprisingly idealistic take, coming from Ryou. But pragmatism hasn't served him well here.]
You shouldn't make a wall in front of me, Atem. I know that you're more important than I could ever be, and I love you for it, but if I can be your proper equal in this, then I'll try with all my heart.
[...He tried. Stumbled a little at the finish line, but it's heartfelt.]
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...it kind of helps Atem understand why people find him long-winded sometimes. The reassurance that Ryou won't let anyone hurt him without fighting back...that was what he needed to hear. The rest of the context, Ryou's reasons, they matter, but...
...it's a fear assuaged before Ryou even reaches the finish line.
Which is good, because Atem has something to correct, there.]
Ryou...
...what in the world makes you think I'm any more important than the next monster?
It might have been different in your memories of my future, but you should forget that. Here, I'm just another guy, brought here by the Fog, trying to figure out a way to live.
If anything, you're the more important one. What I gave up to give you strength proves that. If you didn't matter, would that have happened...?
[He squeezes Ryou's hand.]
If you ever feel like you're not important, remember what's been done for your sake. That can't ever be taken away.
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S-sorry, sorry. You're right, that...I shouldn't think of myself so poorly, when you've cared for me so much. You wouldn't have done any of that if you didn't think well of me.
But...you are the most important monster in my life. I would do anything for you. Anything at all that I could to prevent as much of your suffering as possible.
[Except, unfortunately, this one thing. It's a sacrifice for something greater, something that'll benefit Ryou, but also those who he has to protect. For the moment, though...maybe he'll just focus on the one person.
He finally closes the distance between them completely, pressing their foreheads together.]
You deserve the world and more. If we were anywhere else, I'd give it to you.
[For a moment, his mind wryly clarifies if you were anywhere else, this wouldn't be real.
Ryou chooses to ignore that.]
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It's a bad time to ask Atem to trust that this will be okay. It's hard for him. But, because of everything...he's willing to take the chance, to roll the dice, on the odds that...somehow, it'll break pattern. Somehow, this won't be as bad as everything else has.
He shuts his eyes, lets himself be pulled in. It still hurts...that part of this is going to involve Ryou dialing up his own anger, his own cruelty.]
This won't be easy for me. I think...that once things start to get bad, with the gem...I should stay away. It'll be better, in the long run -- if, when this is over, I don't have ugly words in my head that you didn't mean, or never meant to say. I want to be there for you, and that'll be easier for me without that hurt.
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We've...we've gone through that too much. I don't want to anymore.
[He means it, truly. No more hurting each other with their words. His heart can't bear much more of it...]
...The truth is, I'm afraid of doing this. But only because I don't want to hurt you. Or our friends. Even though...some of them are on the other side of the board. And when the opposite side means to do something to further their god's agenda, they don't see friends as friends either.
[He's thinking of Beat, who would have ratted him out in Felfri, and Joshua, who he's still considering warning somehow, out of good will...but who he may not warn all the same.]
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[Atem says it flatly, decisively, his body going still.]
They can endure your offering.
[If anyone takes issue with it, he'll make it clear what he thinks of them.]
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That's not really the point though, not to him. The point is what Atem had said there. They had endured.
Everyone else can get over it.
Ryou can't help himself, he presses a brief kiss to Atem's lips, because hearing "we endured first" is far more sympathetic than "you'll have to endure this as well."
They'll understand...one way or the other.]
...Thank you.
[Murmured quietly against Atem's lips, because even though Ryou had pulled back some to say it, he still wants the proximity. Things will go sour soon. He wants to have this moment.]
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He's scared. He has to endure. Atem doesn't know how much resilience either of them has to spare...but, they have to hope that it's enough.
Atem holds Ryou in that hug, knowing the last scrap of hope he has is as fragile as a candle in a drafty room. But, he has it...and, as always, he'll do all he can.
Even if, this time, it's to stay away, and stay out of it, and be ready to live with whatever happens.]