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[Oof. What does it say that Atem's first response is we all have?

No. Ryou deserves better than that.]

In what way?

Being here has changed all of us. We've all done things, to survive or because of our changed natures, that we wouldn't have otherwise.

[Him included. This month has taken away his ability to count himself out of that.

(Was it Ryou's wolf nature that drove him to hunt with someone who wouldn't pick a target carefully?)]

But that's how Elias collects followers. He reminds us that what we're doing is monstrous, and sets himself up in opposition to the being that put us in this position, without having any real power over her, or to make it stop.

[He knows Ryou isn't getting what he was hoping to get out of this. But Atem's taking penalties to a lot of stats. He can't communicate like he's used to. Something that used to be effortless for him is gone, something that's been shown again and again in conversation after conversation. Ryou is going to have to live with the Atem he's got, or leave. Or pull a knife, because Atem's not even a stepladder for other people's hope, now. It's just despair.]

What did he accuse you of?

It's not about what else there is. That's all that it was, he told me I was tainted by the fog, and that I was...being reductive for trusting in people I know who follow the Fog.

Atem, trusting in friends is the only thing I have left. If I couldn't trust you, or Yugi, Celeste or Horatio...even Mukuro...then I wouldn't be in any better of a spot than I was before you asked me to move in with you.

I've changed...and very little of it is for the better, I've had to destroy entire lives just to make sure I survive, and to make sure that I can't do worse ever again, just because I can't control myself.

Elias saying I've been misled...b-being told I'm not in control of who I am anymore, and having someone say it in my head...I can't. I can't do that again.

[He can't. He can't let someone else in his head and let them whisper sweet words to make him comply.

For perhaps the first time while he's alone, with someone who is meant to comfort...Ryou growls, low and deep and resonant in his chest, because he's frustrated.]

I don't want to hear a child in a box tell me that he thinks I'm a good person who doesn't know what he's doing!

[Despair pricks at Atem's heart again, under the surface. He doesn't know how to solve this, when he's gotten into fights with nearly half that list.

Now's not the time to bring that up.

Not being in control of who you are anymore...

...now may not be the time to discuss how Atem's felt about that lately, either.

But, he thinks he sees...he thinks now is the time to talk about why people follow gods. He thinks, though he can't be sure, can't be sure of anything anymore, he gets why Ryou's this upset.]

Don't listen to him.

[A little bit of life comes back into Atem's eyes -- the embers of conviction, a shadow of what used to be there, but still giving off light and heat.]

He thought you would be happier living with the idea that you aren't in control of what you do. But that's not true for you. You've been out of your own control before, and you've had the courage to face the horror of deciding who to eat in the name of not hurting more people than you have to, and because making decisions for yourself matters to you. He's a fool to think you're the kind of coward who would let others come to harm so you could hide in ignorance.

[Is this going to help? Atem has no idea. But if Ryou's going to become a self-sufficient monster, if he's going to follow his own path, then Atem can't hold him as delicately anymore. He'll say what he has to say.]

He only said that because he thought it would work. The gods...they're a very effective means of dividing us, aren't they? The fact that there are two, that they reward their followers for hurting members of the other faction, and that those rewards are powers that let them hurt other monsters more efficiently...it keeps us vengeful and angry, and prevents us from banding together to find a way to stop them, to stop this.

[This is the most he's talked at once in....well, in weeks.]

And people always seem to follow them for very personal reasons. The gods offer monsters more than just power! People who follow Elias want a friend, or to feel good about fighting back, even when his methods are questionable. People who follow the Fog want someone motherly, to tell them that doing what makes them happy is good, even if it breaks the rules. Some people want those voices in their lives, especially in a place like this. Wanting reassurance that you're doing good, or that you're good the way you are, doesn't make them bad people, or bad friends. And it doesn't make you bad for being friends with them!

[He's almost able to forget, in that, how bad he feels, all of his own doubt and self-doubt. It's the kind of thing he was able to focus on as a vampire, but had difficulty with as a nephilim: focusing on someone else's perspective, instead of being chained to the inflexible, sinking anchor of his own. The voice that says what makes us bad is different is muffled, quiet, and distant.]

The best way to go against the gods...is to keep being friends with others, regardless of who they follow. Don't let the factions divide us.

[Like he's almost certain they're meant to.]

[Ryou listens...and he's comforted by Atem's words. After the night he'd had which had effectively yo-yo'd from terrible, to halfway decent, then back to awful and finally, finally equalizing to the point where he felt he could leave Yugi's house and not have to worry about everything that had happened half as much...somehow, being told that Elias was wrong after all comforts him.

Atem knows who Ryou Bakura is. He knows that Ryou doesn't want to be out of his own control, and that for how hard it is for him to maintain himself in a position of said control...that Ryou wants to be seen as someone dependable and strong.

He's not yet, but he's trying, he's trying so hard to be someone better than he'd ever been before this point. Failure meets him at every crossroads...but he can't give up.]

The choices of people I care about...they are their own. I don't agree with things that everyone does...but I still care deeply about them, and I'll support them.

...The gods are monsters though. Both of them...they crawl into our heads, make everything hurt until all we can do is comply and...and I just don't want that to be who I am.

I don't want the gods to dictate me. You're right...they exist to divide us, to split the soldiers on the board and make us all fight.

[Ryou finally straightens up and looks Atem in the eye again.]

It may sound contrived...but right now, you're the friend that I need and want by my side the most.

...I'm sorry I didn't tell you any of this before, but I thought I was protecting you by not doing so. That was my mistake. I'm sorry, Atem. Sometimes my choices are not the best. But the human still inside of us isn't meant to be a perfect creature, no more than what we turn into. Right?

[Maybe that's of no comfort to Atem, since he's very much unsettled by who he is right now. Ryou should have dealt with this more tactfully.

For the moment, he just leans in and softly kisses Atem's cheek, lingering for a few moments longer than usual.]

[He's quiet a moment, turning his cheek up to accept the kiss -- it's not a cheerful quiet, but it's not a cold one, either.]

...I thought your reason for leaving without telling me was that, after all the mistakes I'd made and promises I'd broken, I wasn't someone you wanted to go to about it.

[He'll open up about this, at least. This isn't an attempt at guilting: it's clear in Atem's tone that this is a decision he would have understood and accepted, and that the reason he hadn't interfered sooner was because he was respecting what he understood to be a boundary that had been set, and that he's admitting to a source of pain, but not in a blaming or angry way.]

I'm glad the reason wasn't that you felt you couldn't trust me.

[He feels like he can't trust him. Ryou feeling like he couldn't trust him is an entirely reasonable position to take. Especially considering the intrusive thoughts, the difficulty Atem's still having with forgiving, with ignoring, with justifying and compartmentalizing and accepting, things he absolutely has to be able to do to survive in Ryslig.

The alternative would be to fly off alone, to hunt for himself, to have no friends and hold himself apart. It's tempting, to his nephilim's logic; he'd escape pain that way, he'd be able to slough off the moral dilemmas and only worry about himself and his own impact on the world. He wouldn't have to tacitly accept the deeds of his friends, supporting people who killed innocents, and didn't seem to care. It'd be simpler...

...but, does Atem have the right? No. No, he's blackened like everyone else. He might as well stay, and see if the other murderers have it in their hearts to understand.]

Never.

[Ryou pulls back completely, but not to abandon Atem. Instead, he takes that moment to draw his arms back, placing one on Atem's lap while the other cups his cheek, so he can stare with piercing golden eyes and make sure that there's no show of doubt on his face.]

I would never mistrust you so thoroughly. If I did, we wouldn't be together. I love you, and part of that love is being able to give you my unconditional trust. You took my pain, and I let you, because I have confidence in you and your words. I came back because this apartment is my home.

You're my home. Just because I wanted to explore a different avenue doesn't mean that you're not the center of my world. You are...you're the most important person in the world to me!

[He presses their foreheads together, still wearing that intent look on his face.]

I will do everything I can to make sure you never have to doubt that I trust you. Anything you want. Whenever and however. Alright?

[He doesn't break eye contact; Atem listens, to all of it.

He's not sure he wants Ryou to feel like he has to prove to Atem that he's trusted. That doesn't seem right. Just understanding, now, what was going through Ryou's mind is enough for him. Atem wants Ryou to have other friends, other people he can go to, that's a good thing, it means Ryou can get perspectives and help that Atem might not have. It means Atem doesn't have to be Ryou's only support. (It means, sometimes, letting him kill whoever he wants, apparently, and accepting that.) He just didn't like the feeling of being avoided, and then finding out later that Ryou was hiding his problems -- hiding them from no one but Atem.

When someone tells the whole network what's wrong but not you, what are you supposed to think, except that it's you?

Quietly:]

I'd have understood.

Atem, I...I don't want you to have to feel like you understand my decision to keep something from you.

[Ryou finally looks down, but his hand doesn't leave Atem's cheek. He's quiet for a moment, stroking his finger across the other monster's cheek, but he feels lost.

He's done something awful...and now he's not sure he can fix it. He's not even sure how to fix it, because at the end of the day, he'd made the person most important to him feel as if he wasn't important at all.]

I don't want to have secrets from you. That's not what this was. It wasn't meant to be a secret, it just...g-got out of hand! I wanted to spend time with a friend...someone who I wasn't even there for while he was struggling with his own hunger, and...and I just...I'm sorry that my decisions caused you to feel unimportant.

[Even as he says it, Ryou shakes his head. No matter what he intended, it's about what he actually did. Even going to Yugi's apartment had been a bad decision. He was just going there to vent. To put his problems on Yugi.

Again.]

[Atem shakes his head, his ear wings tight. He's not sure he has the words to get across how he feels: how it's a good thing to go see Yugi, and how the part he understands is the mistrust, not the sense of being unimportant.

(He's never felt unimportant once in his life. Even now, the self-importance is making all of this worse, because Atem messing up, not being able to trust himself, isn't like anyone else messing up. This feels enormous to him, for better or worse.)]

I don't feel unimportant.

It's good, that you went over. It's important to get help from the people around you.

[Even Mukuro?

That question is a splinter in his brain. It's getting harder and harder to ignore. He's trying to tell himself that what matters is that Ryou doesn't starve himself out of guilt, because no matter what Ryou says, monsters' feelings have to be treated with more consideration than human lives, and making Ryou feel bad over his choices is counterproductive, isn't supporting him in becoming the kind of person he wants to be. Mukuro's not dangerous to her friends, as long as Junko isn't here. This feels controlling, feels stifling.

He should leave it alone. He--

--no, Atem should ask. Not tell. He should ask a productive question, one Ryou can give an answer to that Atem can respect.]

....

Do you want me to keep hunting for you?

[That seems like a very off-the-wall question...but Ryou has no problem entertaining it. It's the least he can do, he needs to make things right, he can't keep screwing up.

"It is up to you to rise to meet these changes, my pet. If you do not rise to meet them, how will you be able to endure harsher trials in the future?"

He shudders briefly, just the thought of those words unsettling him anew. But Atem had asked him a question. He can't get distracted in his own problems again. He outright refuses.]

I can't promise that when I change back that I wouldn't want your help. B-but...like this, I think we should hunt together. Or I can hunt for you. We can share kills regardless of the method.

I can't be as strong as I want as quickly as I need to be, but I'm not going to stop trying just because it's hard to hunt someone and erase them completely.

[Even though it hurts him to have to be the ultimate killer. At least as a werewolf, he can comfort himself with the fact that the eternal soul of his prey will not be snuffed out.

As a shade...it's much harder. The mental gymnastics are far more complicated for soul-feeding.]

[He got used to soul-eating early, because he had to, for Ryou. Now, it's just a matter of finding someone Atem's willing to erase completely. That's power he's used to wielding, and it made the initial transition to nephilim smooth.

Atem has dreams, sometimes, of the people he's killed. The man behind the arcade. The son of the rebuilding-loan broker.

He never dreams of the people whose souls were eaten.

But that's not what they're talking about.]

I don't ask because I mind hunting for you. I don't, especially since we can share! And...[yes, he'll extend this.]...if you choose targets, I'll trust that they're chosen carefully. There aren't many people I trust to hunt for me...to find people I'd be willing to eat, targets I can live with. Annie's methods -- I trust them.

[So, if Ryou's ever in a position where he and Atem can't hunt, that's the emergency contact.]

I don't trust Mukuro's.

[A heads-up, that anything brought back by her won't be eaten.]

But I'd like to hunt together, while you're like this. If we're both there...it's less likely that I'll make a mistake.

[His own judgment....he's unusually unsure of it. The idea of having Ryou there is actually remarkably reassuring: someone else to sanity-check, to hold back the nephilim's anger and the vampire's cruelty, if they aren't deserved, if they're too much.]

Edited 2021-11-29 00:11 (UTC)

[Ryou gives a tentative, subtle smile. Atem's putting an awful lot of trust in him like this. It's...nice.]

I know you don't mind it...but all the same, I'm offering. I'm glad that you feel comfortable letting me hunt for you.

[He leans in a little, finally confident enough to offer a nuzzle to Atem's cheek. He doesn't comment on the unkind outlook on Mukuro's hunting methods. Now's not the time to try and pick Atem's mind about that kind of thing, especially not when he's worried that he'll make a mistake.

...It's jarring to have Atem admit that he might make a mistake at all. It makes Ryou want to distract him in any way, to wrap Atem in familiarity so that he can't think about what's been troubling him.

Instead, he'll stick with the nuzzling. One step at a time.]

I don't imagine you're very hungry right now though, are you?

[He and Atem have very different appetites, of that Ryou is quite aware.]

[He leans in, shuts his eyes, tucks Ryou's head under his chin. Ryou wants to be a strong, self-sufficient monster...so, Atem will choose to trust him. He'll leave it at that, and believe in the best, and hope that that will be enough.

Ryou keeps shying away from mentions of what's been on Atem's mind, from what's troubling him, though. Is it possible Ryou doesn't want to know? But, the way Atem answers the question--]

No.

[--indicates that he has been feeding on souls this month.]

And I doubt you're up to going out, either.

[Feeding can wait. For once, Atem isn't ready to get up and go, to work, to build rumors and reputation. He's stopped, his momentum is dead, and he's not certain yet which direction to point himself when his engine starts up again. He's not positive it will restart.]

[Ryou breathes out a sigh at that statement.]

No. I'm not. I want to stay here with you, I've had my fill of anywhere else.

[It's as simple as that. He's not going out again unless Atem wants to. Besides which, he's tired from transforming as it is, and this isn't a good hunting form.

It's fine to stay inside for now. He can hunt later.

The most important thing to Ryou at this point is to figure out how to proceed from here. Because...he does know that Atem is having struggles--that had been the whole point of leaving for what was supposed to be a little while. So that they could both have space to think. But he's afraid, damn near terrified, that he'll somehow do something insensitive again. It's almost paralyzing.

As a result, it takes him a little longer to organize his thoughts and speak again.]

What do you want to do? D-do you want to talk about something else? I know I've made a mess of the evening, but...I'm here now. We could talk about anything you want.

[It's an open invitation, one he wants Atem to take! But...he's afraid to force any points too hard tonight. Honestly the coward's move...]

[Atem feels a stirring of concern, here. Ryou doesn't want to be anywhere else, but he should, maybe...is this entirely healthy? Is it right?

There's too much on his mind, too much out of balance. But, the concerning assurance that Ryou doesn't want to be anywhere else aside, what Atem's picking up on is...]

...are you afraid of something?

[All his brows furrow. He can't imagine why Ryou would be afraid of him, but if he's feeling fear around Atem, that's definitely something he wants to talk about.]

[It figures. Atem can be out of sorts and still look right through Ryou, like he's a shallow puddle. Dawn go the ears again, after having finally relaxed for a moment.

He doesn't lie, because that's disingenuous.]

I have many things to be afraid of. But I think that you're looking for something specific, yes?

[He turns his head, so he can be heard just a little better. So he's not mumbling into Atem's chest.]

I'm afraid I'm not being good enough.

[It's said tiredly, with a deep-seated resignation to that very fact that makes it...almost sound like he's not seeking comfort. Because he's not. He's just stating the fact, because Atem caught him out on it anyway.]

We don't have to talk about that though. You've been very patient with me since I've arrived...and since I got here, I haven't asked how you were doing. I was gone for hours...I left you, knowing very well that you've got a lot on your mind.

[Again, said plainly. He's not defending himself. He's convinced he screwed up. That's why he's put a bit of distance between them, isn't it? Distance he made, distance he hates.]

....

[Well, at least it isn't fear of Atem hurting him. That's a relief. But..."good enough"? Just what kind of standard is Ryou holding himself to?]

Ryou, our bond isn't made of glass. It's not the kind of brittle thing that will snap because of one choice. Even if I thought that you going to Yugi's for help was a mistake -- and I don't -- I've hurt you before, and you've forgiven me.

[His arms tighten around Ryou. Remember that time he made a bad call, and the healing from it was horrible? Atem does.]

We're both starting out at level one, remember? Neither of us had any idea what we were doing when we decided to be together, but you trusted me with your heart anyway. I don't want you to be "good enough" -- I want you to be you.

[Ryou's head gets petted, here. Atem starts petting his hair, between his ears, slow and soothing.]

And, if "good enough" means making every decision with my wellbeing in mind, then I don't want that at all! It's no good to work so hard carrying others that you don't have any strength left for yourself. Especially when you're someone I care about.

[They can get to how he's doing in a bit. Reassurance and reminders that neither of them is perfect first.]

[Ryou isn't sure how to explain that good things in his life rarely last for a long time. He isn't equipped to explain that he does feel like all of his bonds are made of glass...and how that flawed logic is in fact making everything worse.]

You're right.

[Despite the intrusive thoughts screaming at him that's he's doing everything wrong, he says that. Because it's true.]

Neither of us have to be perfect--we can't be. I don't ever expect you to be perfect, so...perhaps expecting myself to be isn't being fair.

[It doesn't need to be fair to be right in Ryou's mind. He's always held everyone else to a different standard than he held himself. But again, it's not something he can explain easily, nor does he want to slip into that conversation.

Ryou relaxes into Atem's touch, trying to bite back the low noise in the back of his throat that betrays how nice it feels...and failing spectacularly. It's weirder coming from his day form, he feels. But he can't help it.

Mildly, he thinks about the last thing Atem said. About not working so hard that you don't have strength for you. Part of him wants to gently remind Atem that he should follow his own advice...but it's not right to do so. Not now. He's given that advice many times as it is...it's only fair to hear it back in return, and to accept it for what it is.

So he smiles, and settles a hand loosely around Atem's hip. A show of comfort, but also to bring himself closer.]

H-hahaha.

...I-I'm going to take you out next month. We're getting out...and we're doing something fun. And then maybe we can arrange something with our friends--a game night perhaps? Something different. Something good. Those are the things that truly heal.

[At that, Atem finally, truly relaxes. The difference can be felt; the tension he's been holding in his chest, his arms, his shoulders, softens and melts away. Even his ear-wings relax, held more naturally alongside his head, and the pupils of all his eyes ease up from their tightened, stressed state.

He knows. He knows that if he doesn't listen to that advice, he's a hypocrite. Atem believes he'll always have enough strength for everybody and himself, but when his attempts to carry everyone start to cause trouble...

...he can't deny, anymore, that it's not a good idea.

But he likes planning for next month. He likes hearing...that he's not expected to be perfect. He likes that happy little groan from Ryou. And...maybe, by next month, he'll be thinking clearly again, and will be able to do something good.

Atem keeps petting Ryou's hair, getting his fingers into it, stroking it. It's relaxing for him, too...is Ryou's hair even thicker like this, or is that just his imagination?]

I like that idea. There's an amusement park, with a haunted house...I wanted to take you sooner, but this monster type isn't very good for it. Either I'd reveal all the tricks, or lose my form...not a very good way to end a date!

No...I don't suppose it would be...

[Ryou finally feels like the tension is easing, like he can finally shrug off the weight that he, mostly, had set on his own shoulders. He doesn't have to think about Elias, about the Fog, or any of the extremely troublesome things he'd read on the network.

All he has to worry about is the hand stroking through his hair, long and yes, very much thicker than usual. His ears relax downward, no longer pressed against his skull, but also not fully raised.

There's a gentle movement, a sensation of something being dropped in both their laps repeatedly as Ryou's tail wags softly.]

We could do something in the daytime...before you change back. I'm sure that it's boring being mostly stuck inside--you're a little more, ah...active than I am.

[It's an invitation, but one that Atem doesn't need to take. Ryou knows how terrible it feels to be stuck without anywhere to go. But just in case there's any uncertainty, Ryou offers a solution that gives the a bit more privacy.]

I plan to hunt in the woods anyway--I can do it in daytime, if it's a small animal. And it takes the edge off.

[Not the hunger, of course. He's not hungry for human flesh. But being a werewolf as he is, eating a small animal or two satisfies a different urge. The urge to be a predator, to run and jump, hunt and bite.]

Edited (words are hard) 2021-11-30 03:29 (UTC)

[Tybolt, who's been dozing on the couch all this time, starts to bat his paw clawlessly at Ryou's tail as it heads his way. He doesn't catch anything but fluff, and it slides out from under his paws smoothly and easily.]

You can catch animals even like this...?

[He's surprised, and he's curious. The day form is smaller -- it doesn't look capable of as much...]

[Ryou feels Tybolt's paws on his tail and he flinches...but then lets out an amused snort and moves his tail more purposefully. There's plenty of fur, he doubts the little lion will hurt him.]

Um...not very well. It's about one out of every ten tries, I think? But the chase is fun. And if I don't catch anything, I can always go to the store and pick up something.

[Something meaty, to ease the disappointment of failing a hunt.]

But I've caught things before. I could do it if I wanted!

[Sure, he's usually extra tired in this form, but his sense of smell is still excellent, and he's faster than the average human.]

[Tybolt cannot get at any sensitive part of the tail. His teeth can't get through the fur; it's too thick. He rolls over onto his back and attempts to pull the tail into his mouth with his paws; he only gets fluff. He sneezes.]

A trip into the woods during the day...I'm not sure I'll be chasing much of anything! But the walk might be nice. If you're not looking at me, I can keep up!

[There's still a part of him that's appreciative of forests. Atem has memories of wood being extremely precious; good lumber was rare, and had to be traded for. And, Yugi didn't spend much time in them, so...forests make him feel like he's in a faraway place.

He scratches fingertips behind Ryou's ears.]

You can show me what you can do.

[He's happy -- a quiet kind of happy, but Atem is definitely cheered up. There's still a lot he hasn't talked about, and even more that he has discussed but that no one can help, but it's bearable, with plans to do something fun.]

[Ryou's ears relax further and he lets out a soft, happy wolfy groan once more. This one he doesn't try to stifle. No sir, that's the spot, he is absolutely compromised, to the point where he shivers a little because that...should not feel as nice as it does.]

Mmhmm! I want to...show you...

[He's comfortable. This is good. He's sleepy.

...Ryou suddenly lets out a sigh of frustration.]

Nnngh, I...have to take a shower. I am not sleeping like this.

[Is...is he pouting? A bit, actually, because waiting for his fur to dry out is exhausting. Maybe he can just brush his teeth and then catch an early shower tomorrow. The way he's curled limply across Atem communicates that he's reluctant to get up, for sure.]

[Atem spots Tybolt trying to bite. Hmmmm, that's not a habit he wants to foster.]

Tybolt, be gentle.

[It's a command. The biting stops and the claws retract. Tybolt climbs to his feet, shakes himself off again, and wanders over to a different bed, flopping down.

That done, Atem makes no move at all to help Ryou move. He just continues to give ear scratches.]

Shower, then.

[It's obvious he knows he's not making this easier.]

Edited 2021-11-30 05:36 (UTC)

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, PLAYER1. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 10.11.0.0.01 * PLAYER1 has joined 10.11.0.0.01 <PLAYER1>** If you're looking for someone you knew as Yugi before June, you've found him! It's Atem, leave a message.

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