knifemonopoly | IC inbox

Jealousy comes from being dishonest with yourself about your own desires, I've heard.

[ Annie takes another sip of her drink. She isn't drunk yet but her face feels warm. Is it from blushing or the wine?

She hasn't a clue. ]

I like in a serious way two people. I have no idea if I could date them both. They might not be able to do that. I think you need to be willing to be vulnerable if you want to be with someone. That's what intimacy is. Opening yourself up and trusting the other person to not hurt you.

I want that. I want someone who I know won't... won't care I'm pretty damaged.

[It's the second time he's heard that -- that you need to be vulnerable, in order for a relationship to work. He'll think on that more, later. Right now, there's Annie to think about, because--]

Damaged? Annie, you went through something terrible. And you survived. That's not being damaged. That's being strong!

[The other Yugi and his three sips of wine will not stand for his friends talking badly about themselves.]

It's okay to not be okay, though.

[ Annie flashes a small smile. ]

I mean I try. I don't always succeed in being good or happy but I... I think trying is the point.

[ Annie realizes the focus has shifted from talking about Javert and LGBTQ stuff to her. It makes her a touch uncomfortable. She doesn't know how to address she's trying to deal with her trauma. It isn't always easy either. ] I wasn't trying to talk myself down.

[?? Okay not to be okay? The idea is completely foreign to him, who, one, considers no part of himself bad or wrong or ugly, and two, has to be completely in control of himself, if not his circumstances, but ideally that also, literally all of the time. It's clearly confusing to him, as his brows contract above his eyes.]

Calling yourself damaged sounded like it.

It's true that you don't have to be happy all of the time! You should be with someone who you're comfortable being your real self around, not just your happiest self. Someone you can express your hurt and anger to, without being afraid they'll use it to hurt you more. Is that what you mean?

Maybe it was.

[ She bites her lip thinking about it seriously. He had avoided her desire to deflect things. Damn, he's good. ]

I think there are people I could be myself around. Which is all I've ever wanted. It's hard just letting it all hang out if you feel like you can't trust them.

[Another nod. Oh, boy, does he ever get that, and it throws something into relief for him...]

I understand. And being your entire self...sometimes, showing someone everything you are...

[--you know, a spirit of darkness and vengeance capable of playing real-life hangman outside a women's shelter and feeling grim satisfaction at a job well done instead of any kind of horror--]

...takes more than just trust.

I'm not ashamed of what I am, or anything that I've done. Not in the least! But there are some people who I can tell would be frightened by it. People who're gentler than I am. I trust them, but I don't want to frighten them, so...sometimes, I do feel like I can't be myself around them. Even though they're my friends!

[ Annie had been a-okay with that kind of murder. Er, game. Was it a penalty game? ]

You know I accept what you've shown me, right?

[ If she wasn't warm from wine she might fondly touch his hand. That seems like too much right now. ]

I don't think I'm embarrassed by anything. I am who I am because of a healthy love of film plus like... getting over trauma? If you need someone to be you around and are afraid of showing your darkness too much?

[ Annie gives him a slow smile. Under different circumstances she totally would add Other Yugi to her list of options. Right now she can only focus on a limited number of hot people. ]

Just remember, I'd totally date you if I wasn't already seriously flirting with the idea of two different people. I prefer being very focused. I'm currently refreshing my skills in a coded language just in case I need to flirt hard core.

[To her first question, with warmth:]

Yes. I know.

[...it is so relaxing being around her. She's sweet and kind but understands and accepts that sometimes, circumstances call for darkness, and appreciates the kind of thing that was his whole purpose for the better part of a year.

The "I'd totally date you" assertion, which under other circumstances might have set off fears of, "oh no is she going to decide she likes me and then have a personality 180 whenever I'm around and I'll have no idea what to do," doesn't feel worrying. He trusts that she's laser-focused on her other two prospects (he doesn't doubt she'll land them both), and instead, it feels like a compliment.]

It's just as well! I'm not sure I'm up to dating anybody, at the moment -- there are bigger questions about myself that I need to sort out than "who do I want to start seeing," and by the time that's settled, I'm certain you'll already have a situation that's agreeable to you.

[He winks at her. You got this.]

But anyone who dates you should consider themselves very lucky!

...

Why the coded language, though?

[Is that a dating-rule he doesn't know? That hard-core flirtation should be done in code?]

I'm glad.

[ It feels very gosh, she can't seem to recall the name of that space princess and her scruffy spacer love interest. Annie just knows that her friend has enough grace and charm to truly "get" her. She beams at him looking every bit the well-cultured young lady she is becoming. ]

You'll know when you're ready. For me I... I guess I needed some time to heal. Plus one of the people.. [ Her cheeks go pink and it's not from wine. ]

He and I keep running into each other. It's like having a weird magnetic pull. If I'm not careful I feel like I might... Well. I don't think he's ready for me to get too doe-eyed.

[ Annie considers it. ]

In case I want to flirt with a cute girl. I feel like in that case using flowers that help me tell her what I think of her but without words to get in the way would help. She's...I've known her for a long time. I'm not sure if she's like me. If I flirt with her like that, and she's not into me that way I can insulate my feelings.

Does that make sense?

Edited 2021-05-24 03:43 (UTC)

Yes, it does. You're far from the first to tell someone you like them indirectly!

One of my friends decided to confess his feelings for a classmate by writing a love note on a blank puzzle, breaking it up, and leaving it in a box in her desk to find. Unfortunately, it didn't work out...but it's a romantic idea! Using flowers to signal that you like her...I like that.

[He likes flowers. Why? He's not sure! But a flower language confession is almost as appealing as a game one, to him. It's nice.]

It also gives the other person time to consider their own feelings, before giving you a reply. When you're not expecting a confession, and you have to decide how to respond on the spot...you can't think your answer through.

[Sounds a lot like he's talking from personal experience. But direct confessions are intense on both sides when there's uncertainty! Flowers are much gentler, for something like that, especially if there's an existing friendship to consider, that you don't want to change if the romantic feelings aren't welcome.]

That's kind of cute. It might not work if she doesn't like puzzles. My Dad did that with my Mom, you know. He found out she was into Regency romances and figured out different ways to flirt based on that. He wasn't into some of it, but he liked the idea of flowers.

[ Annie groans dramatically and tosses her arm almost throwing the wine too. She catches herself and stops that. ]

The hard part is waiting. Honestly though I can't just put pressure on her. That's not right either. I can't believe I'm like this and I haven't even decided if I'm going to try flirting yet. I'm such a romantic dork.

[ At least this doesn't seem to be her talking bad about herself. The phrase romantic dork makes her giggle and shake her head. ]

I'll think on it. The other person I've considered... he and I are complicated. Half the fun really but also.... it's a mess. He made me cry by accident once. It wasn't really his fault but he really beat himself up.

[No, I'm such a romantic dork is the playful kind of teasing yourself, and only gets a fond grin out of him -- though he spots that wine inches from disaster, and nearly reacts! But, it looks like she's got it, so no need for vampire-speed wine-catching here.

The second part brings him down to a bit more serious, though. At least the guy was ashamed of making her cry -- that's better than what the other Yugi was imagining was happening. Still not great, but if someone beats themselves up, then the other Yugi doesn't have to come for them.]

Complicated...is fun?

[Shut up you're extremely gay for Seto Kaiba and if that's not complicated nothing is.]

Yes. Somehow... he keeps pulling things out of me I never would have talked about with just anyone.

[ Annie smiles fondly when she thinks about this guy. ]

I might not have started opening up as much without him around.

[ Things are always weird between her and Altair but boy, she wants to be vulnerable around him. Annie isn't quite ready to tell Yugi that. ]

Sometimes the best crushes make you work towards something. In my case, I just want to know him. The bits he's afraid to face to when he just wants to talk about art. Everything. I'd even be willing to let him see the stuff I'm not proud of.

[~~art guy? that sounds vague enough to be the blue-eyes white dragon~~]

He...wasn't an art thief in the other world, was he...?

I have no idea. I did have dealings with an information broker. It... was him.

[ Annie goes very pink. The memory of Anna being kissed by Perry to hide them from that drunk sailor is one she can't forget. It may not have been meant to be romantic but that didn't change how Anna , her other self, had felt. ]

Dark hair and violet eyes?

[Yes, Perry had done that, too...they'd had a good relationship.]

Yes, that's the one.

[A beat. Then, with a dark and sly tone, he raises his wine-glass.]

He's very good-looking.

And, at least in the other world, he was an excellent chess player!

[He supports you and your taste, Annie -- at least as far as what the guy was like in the other world is concerned.]

[ Her cheeks go a nice shade of pink. Annie should not play poker given how easily she gets flustered. ]

He is. Honestly I'm not great at games? Chess is the one I at least understand.

[ She found a subject change! However Annie can't help but get distracted by thoughts of Perry. He and Altair certainly have driven her to distraction a few times. Mostly from trying to understand that whole mess. ]

Someday I hope someone gets you this off-balanced. I'll judge the heck outta them.

[He gives a low chuckle, and, thanks to the wine, he's talkative:]

That'll be the day -- when a pretty face is enough to throw me off my game!

[He sounds positive that it'll never happen. Maybe it happened to Adam, a little bit, but it won't happen to him. He'll never, you know, have it bad. He believes this.]

I can just see it now. So good-looking, you fumble a dice roll.

[ Annie teases him with that bit grinning so widely her fangs are showing. Just the idea of him messing up seems very silly to her. ]

No. You're too focused to worry about messing up. I bet if you do end up crushing on someone they totally have a similar drive. It won't be all blushing and flowers with you. It will be like meeting your match. I think you need someone who is your equal in some way.

[The teasing gets an answering grin! Imagine that.

But then she goes on, and he looks down at the wine-glass, and thinks, is there someone like that?

There was Kaiba. But he doesn't have a crush on Kaiba, he thinks to himself, obviously. There's Komaeda, who casts himself as a villain so that other people can be heroes, who had implied execution for him as a penalty for leaving behind a solvable crime scene. But then, Komaeda had turned...crush-y, like Anzu had, and he's never sure what to do when people get like that.

Sorry, Annie, he is buzzed and goes drunk-quiet and drunk-thoughtful when you suggest that, and he doesn't realize how long he's been thinking.]

[ Oh no she broke him. Annie feels a touch guilty over that. ]

You don't have to date anyone. There's literally zero pressure. I'm just getting interested in people because I'm me. I happen to like dating.

[ For all that Dylan turned out to be a total monster, there were parts she had liked. Annie misses dancing. There's a lot she misses about having two legs.

Annie wants pants. ]

If you do date? I'm gonna give them a once over. To make sure they're cool enough.

[Ah, that cheers him up -- having someone in his corner like that's a good feeling.]

I'll rely on you, then!

[He grins at her, fond.

Then, he drops his eyes again. Yes...yes, he's comfortable enough to admit this.]

The trouble is, I'm not certain how to date, without...hurting someone's heart. People who I like and respect have confessed feelings to me, but...the truth is, when it comes to romance, I have no idea what I'm doing!

[And he's so not used to that.]

Oh. Is that all?

[ Annie grins a bit. ]

Not to discount your feelings Yugi but...No one knows what they're doing at our age. We just try our best. Talk it out. Be as honest as you can. And when in doubt? Make plans and be prepared to say you're sorry if you hurt someone. Also don't discount their feelings when it does happen. It will go a long way to helping them decide if they'll forgive you.

[Ha ha ha but he should know what he's doing, all of the time, because...because that's what he's here for. He's here to come in and solve the problem, whatever it is, and then leave. That's what he plans to do in Ryslig, too...win the game, solve the puzzle, move on. Not open up the can of worms that's worrying about someone else's feelings while he's not sure of who he is.

Vulnerability is hard. Opening yourself up to being hurt is hard. Holding people at arm's length, even when you like them a lot and care about them and would do anything to keep them happy? Much easier!

But...he'll take the advice. Be ready to say sorry when you hurt someone, be as honest as you can, take others' feelings seriously. Knowing a few of the rules is better than not knowing any of them.]

...not quite all. But that's more to do with me...I wasn't a normal teenager even before I came here! I need to figure out who I am, first. I'm...missing parts of myself.

[Even if his other self isn't really part of him, he's missing his name and memories. He's borrowing Yugi's, for now, but...who is he? How can he be truthful with a partner when most of his lived experiences are someone else's?]

Which makes it hard to be honest, like I'd need to be if I got into a relationship.

Amnesia?

[ That is what came to mind when he said that. Annie had known he was on the list of friends of hers that are just different. Sort of like how 'Richard' obviously wasn't human before he arrived here.

Or some of the stranger young men that live with Peace. Honestly Annie is pretty sure there are no normal teenagers here. All of them are messed up in some way. A little memory loss is actually normal!

Yikes. ]

Then disclose. Lay your cards out on the table if someone gets close to you. I tell people about my trauma. You... not knowing is like trauma only for you, it's all these questions you're seeking answers to. If that person gets it then they're worth letting in.

[ Annie tilts her head looking at him with a serious gaze. She thinks if she wasn't already on a very different romantic path she is unwilling to leave right now she could have handled Yugi. The only problem is now he has made the list for people she considers her best fiends.

Plus she still wants to figure out her and Altair. ]

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cw in this thread for underage drinking! but you saw it coming upthread

cw: drinking and mental health talk

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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, PLAYER1. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 10.11.0.0.01 * PLAYER1 has joined 10.11.0.0.01 <PLAYER1>** If you're looking for someone you knew as Yugi before June, you've found him! It's Atem, leave a message.