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knifemonopoly) wrote2021-02-05 06:28 pm
knifemonopoly) wrote2021-02-05 06:28 pm
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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, PLAYER1. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 10.11.0.0.01 *** PLAYER1 has joined 10.11.0.0.01 <PLAYER1> If you're looking for someone you knew as Yugi before June, you've found him! It's Atem, leave a message. | ||||
no subject
The least he can do is try and help Atem dry his legs off while they argue, and while Ryou's eyes continue to glow, along with his halo. It's not blinding, but it probably is irritating, especially when Ryou kneels so he can do this better.
Though if, in the end, Atem doesn't want his help drying his legs off, Ryou will stop, but this is just how he is.
Even when he's being told off...he continues the behavior, apparently.]
I don't want you to decide that. I don't want you to have to deal with it! I know...I know that my unhappiness matters to you but I'm trying to keep you from letting me become your weakness! Clearly I'm not doing that right, because I can't do anything right! But that's fine, don't worry, next time I'll be sure to tell you that dying fucked me up, Atem, because I'm not allowed to keep that to myself or anything. I'm not allowed to have a single thought to myself, even after I give so much of myself to you.
I go to parties I don't want to attend because then I can make sure I'm protecting you! I do it because I want to and because I want you to know you're never going to be alone!!
[Ryou's lion tail curls forward and he stops whatever he's doing, his wings going limp behind him.]
I wish you'd never seen what you saw. I wanted you to think I was strong...I didn't want to be faced with the fact that I'm nothing but an albatross around your neck, and that I weaken you by being who I am...!!
no subject
What I don't want to allow is--no, don't do that!
This is exactly what I'm talking about...!
[Atem shoos Ryou away from his frog-fins, pulling them back in closer to the bathtub.]
When you do this, all I can think is that he's ignoring his wing. Is there something else he's ignoring, so that he can worry about me? Your wing is worse than my legs -- they'll go back to land form on their own. But even if that weren't the case, I never know if there's something else! Something you've decided on your own isn't as important. You have to stop putting yourself last, Ryou, or I won't be able to stop worrying about you!
I miss things, when I have to figure out what's wrong on my own. I get it wrong when I have to guess what you need!
What I need, [he says, trying to put this as clearly as he can,] is for you to stop deciding your needs don't matter and calling that "taking care of yourself," and "not being a burden." When I say, "take care of yourself," I mean "be selfish," not "pretend you don't need anything!"
I brought you to parties you didn't want to go to so that you could meet people besides me. People you could depend on, and go to, during times I was too hurt to help you. So that you'd be able to fall apart about being murdered, no matter what was happening to me. I was happy to have you there, but it wasn't...so you could protect me.
no subject
[Something about that doesn't sit right with him. Ryou hears everything else Atem says, and well, some of it, to him, makes sense. It's things he's heard from others, but hasn't taken on board because clearly they can't understand. Obviously they don't get the relationship that Ryou has with Atem.
But hearing Atem say it? It makes his feathers start to puff up, the glow of his eyes and halo becoming close to unbearable.]
Very well. You want me to be selfish, then? Let me tell you why I kept that pain inside.
[He stands, though not at his full height. His halo and horns prevent it in here, even with their high ceilings in other living spaces.]
I won't lie, and say that you aren't right about me needing other people to depend on. You are right. Except no one around me is scared of death, are they? You, Mukuro, Horatio, it's just a part of your lives. You accept it. Mukuro...h-haha.
Mukuro even agreed to kill me if I went out of control and started hurting other monsters again. Without a blink. I'm sure my spirit feels the same, really. So then who was I to tell, that death hurt, in a way I've never felt before?
You?
Of course not. How could I talk to you about how much it terrified me, when the last couple of argument we had, it wasn't important. When you sacrificed your last free life to get away from AM, and then came home to me, explaining it as if it was nothing, it set a precedent. One which was underlined by you reminding me that your deaths have been far more difficult. You woke up in the sea...you die every time you switch back to being a vampire. You've been hurt in ways that are horrifying and terrible, and you don't fall apart because of death, but because of the horrors preceding it.
So now, you tell me which person I could have told that death frightens me, and that I stay inside like a coward because I'm constantly afraid of the other shoe dropping, after I saw so many people hating me. It's not just their opinions, it's their threats.
[Ryou is dangerously close to causing property destruction, but his voice isn't raised. He's actually very quiet as he explains all of this, and tries to keep himself in check. None of what he's saying is because he's a nephilim--he's not that kind of nephilim. And Atem's smart not to lie to him, because Ryou wouldn't be able to bear it. But he's still so, so upset.]
Is that selfish enough for you?
no subject
And what he gets out of it, when Ryou is done, is--]
So, you didn't tell me because you thought I wouldn't understand. As though I could only ever understand things I've felt myself!
But that's wrong!
[He is much, much smaller in stature than Ryou, and on top of that, he's seated. But even so, Atem's back is straight, his shoulders set -- he is sitting on the side of a bathtub, with legs that are wrong for land, and still somehow has the same amount of presence as a nephilim whose halo scrapes the ceiling.]
I understand that you're afraid! People were cruel to you, after the broadcast. They didn't understand why you were saying what you were saying, and didn't care to try to -- so, they were unkind! They frightened you. The anger frightened you!
But, Ryou -- the only person to make an actual threat was a gargoyle named Mariner. Her name is in the graveyard, now. She's not here to make good on it, and even if she were, she didn't pursue any extra powers with the gods -- she'd be under-level for the fight.
She can't hurt you.
And, besides...the number of monsters who did try to understand outnumber them by far. Not even just the ones who agree because they're used to that kind of thing, or follow the Fog too -- there's Cairo, Bruno, Sonic, Mr. Wright, Crash, and Altair -- even Fourth followers, like Beat and Reira, and Triffany! Joshua doesn't hold it against us. The guy who called us terrorists, Dr. Osborn? He understands, too! Dr. McGucket was only mad because he thought I was telling him he was wrong about the way he followed the Fog, and Hinata? He's always been kind about it!
Most monsters aren't like the one that killed you and hurt me. I understand that, now! Many more of them will hear you out and try to understand than hit you back without the full story.
But, even though I don't agree -- I understand that you're frightened! And I've done everything I can think of to help you fight that fear, and supported every choice you've made, because you deserve to have your choices respected!
[His voice rings out through the apartment bathroom. Can their neighbors hear? Atem's not thinking about it.
He's also not thinking about what he says next, or how it's kind of beside the point. They're airing things now, and another worry of Atem's slips out.]
But if I say anything -- anything at all that implies I think something is a bad idea, or that I don't want you to do it...I don't know that you won't give up what you want, for me, and then resent it! In order to not have too much influence over you, I can't tell you the whole truth!
no subject
And in doing so, he understands now, that he's caused much of the issue here. He was still scared of death, he always would be, but if they'd just spoken...
Atem doesn't have to think the same. He just has to feel sympathy. Ryou had denied him that by his omission. And...he's right, there were many more people who were understanding on the network, even if it took them a while to come around. Ryou had seen some that, after speaking to Atem, felt less aggressive about things. Dr. McGucket though, he hadn't known...
It was hard to remember those kinds of things in great detail, when he had been upset himself.
Ryou doesn't respond to what Atem says while he's explaining, but the light is starting to dissipate, his feathers are starting to smooth out...maybe this was what he needed to be told, and even though it's being yelled, it's still getting through, right?
He knows he's stubborn. He thinks he has to resolve to be better, and...he has to mak Atem understand, he will be better.
It almost works--
--but then, seven little words catch in Ryou's brain.
"I can't tell you the whole truth"
The words before don't matter. Something about those words has them replaying in his head, replicating, filling it, Atem's voice screaming in his ears until all he can think about is that Atem lied.
He lied. HE LIED HE LIED HE LIED HE
LIED. LIED. L̴̪͂Į̸̗̺̾̽E̸͔̥̺̊̈́̾Ḍ̵͎͇́́̄L̶̠͈̿͑Ĭ̶͈̯È̴͖̻D̵͍̟͛̈́́L̴̬̆̕͝Ì̴͈̼͋Ė̶͚͚͗D̵͇̊̒͘
The light is back, it's unbearable, Ryou's eyes are nothing but bright voids, gold-white and lifeless, and his halo casts such a brightness that he's sure it's painful
(he hopes it's painful)
while each and every spire locks onto Atem pointing as if in accusation. He'll regret this later, of course. He's not himself right now. So he will regret it. But Atem will regret it now.
The monster inside makes sure of it, pressing in hard with the ability that's made to tear regret out of the heart of others. Maybe it won't bother Atem after all, since now he's being honest, and because hey, it's a crapshoot if it ever works against a monster.
But the Nephilim is going to do it anyway.]
How unfortunate, that you'd do something like that. It's not nice to lie, is it? Don't you feel bad for it?
[It must be offputting, seeing what it's like from the other side. Ryou might wonder that later, when his mind isn't overflowing with the need to make things RIGHT. But for now, he simply hisses venomously--]
ARE YOU SORRY?
1/2
He flinches, because the light, it feels like it had in the arcade, and he can't look, can't look, or he'll be hurt. A finned arm comes up to shield his face, but his eyes are already watering, he's already seeing flares behind his eyelids, afterimages.
The spell does pull out his regrets. Atem has more than a few -- he regrets letting Ryou see the worst of humanity during their hunts, which he suspects is what led to Ryou's general hatred of Ryslig's humans. He regrets picking the fight as a nephilim that led to all of this, that led to Ryou being killed. He regrets not getting revenge himself, so that none of this Fog business had to happen, and the Ring-Spirit wouldn't have taken matters into his own hands. He regrets dehydrating Ryou, the wrong choice, the wrong call, inflicting more pain than was needed. He regrets that Ankhsunatem murdered Ryou's double in such a dishonorable way. He regrets the traps he put on his victims, instead of letting them walk into them on their own -- regrets not going Fog sooner, before inflicting a lot of pointless pain. He regrets attacking Mukuro. He regrets attacking Riley. He regrets not saying something to Ryou sooner, about how he'd liked him, and he regrets not saying anything to Kaiba, and he regrets how he'd hurt Komaeda, and he regrets all
of the humans
he couldn't
save
...
...but he doesn't regret supporting Ryou. He's afraid that he would have, if nothing had been said, here.
Hushed, and hoarse:]
...I'm sorry for so much, Ryou.
2/2
[But, then -- as the spell crests, and Atem's able to think past all of the turbulent feelings, all of the aches of harm done that shouldn't have been, of missed opportunities and bad calls and game overs --]
...did you just use your power on me...?
no subject
He's done what he had to in order to set things straight. It wasn't like he was...a liar too...right?
Right...?
When Atem asks if Ryou had used his powers, he has to think about it. He's still too bright, too righteous, too much not-himself, that he simply says what's true.]
I did what I had to do to make you see.
You needed to know...you...
I...
[There's a flicker. A bit of the light receding, letting in a thought, or two. A realization.
A promise, broken. Ryou had promised...he'd ask, if he ever did something like this...right?]
I didn't...mean--no. No I did. I meant to.
[He can't lie. He can't. Even if he didn't intend to, he ended up meaning it.]
Atem...?
[Ryou takes a few steps back, his halo points dropping weightlessly to the sides of the ring. The light's fading back, slowly. Leaving only regret.]
no subject
I did what I had to...
...
That's some psychological-change bullshit if he's ever heard it.
Atem, now that the light's going back down, dashes the water off his face with the back of a hand, and turns back to face him, fins flared.]
You don't know ANYTHING about what I regret and what I don't!
[A breath. Then, quieter, marginally calmer, talking himself through his own thoughts:]
I knew this monster form would go badly. I know how it affects you, firsthand. But if you're going to use your powers on me like this, for something like hiding my doubts from you --
...
[Awful realization, frustration, dawns on Atem's face. Shit. Son of a bitch. They need to be apart for a while, while Ryou's still a nephilim, but...]
...but I can't tell you to leave, can I? If I do, you'll just stop caring for yourself again! But if you stay, and I go, you'll probably just sit here the whole time...
[And, Ryou's looking for that damned event-inducing amulet, still...shit, shit shit shit, what's the right move here, this timing is really bad....]
no subject
He looks pitiful and sorry for himself, and that's probably so annoying, isn't it?]
...Sorry. For proving you right. Because you're right, about everything. I don't know about all your regrets.
And I don't have enough coins to fix this.
[The light of Ryou's halo is almost nonexistent, the metal bits of his halo dangling lifelessly.]
But...I won't. I won't just stop caring. That's not what anyone wants.
[Including him, but he doesn't articulate it. He's tired of being hungry, of being scared and lonely. It's miserable, and although he can't turn up his social levels all the time, and sometimes he's not hungry because he's upset...he can see where it's caused trouble. Where the lies have poisoned them both, even if they're just by omission.]
I'm not supposed to hurt myself, because it hurts you...but it also hurts me.
[There's a pause, a long enough one that if Atem wanted to yell again, he could.]
D...do you want me to stay away...while I'm like this? I can go. I can figure it out...unless you'd rather go. But someone has to stay.
For Tybolt.
no subject
Ryou does look very sorry indeed. Atem doesn't like it. Even though Ryou was the one who used a regret power on him, as though Atem were an enemy, it still twists his gut to see.
But, if Ryou stays...something worse might happen, couldn't it? Atem didn't know that an admission of a lie of omission would set Ryou off like that. He doesn't know what other buttons Ryou might have.
Then, shouldn't you have him stay with you, close to you, until this is over? Instead of sending him out among other monsters, who might not be so understanding....
That's how Atem would have felt, before. But he can't -- he wants to be alone, the regrets still fresh and raw in his mind, because Ryou trespassed with that power, he had no right, like Atem had had no right...
He wants this. Like when the parasite had been pulled out of his mind, he'd been hurt, and wanted to be alone for a while, to sort things out without another presence to think of.]
We should spend some time apart. It's my turn, to be by myself...
...if you'll take care of yourself while I'm gone, I can go. I'm the one who wants to.
no subject
[Ryou says it quietly, with little inflection. His head is still buzzing, moving between the idea that he'd gone too far, or not gone far enough...but it's starting to settle on horror at his own actions.
Unlike Atem, it seems his nephilim fury isn't a low, constant hum. Instead it's acute, a burst of emotion that, if not stoked by the accelerant that had begun the mess in the first place, dies out and leaves nothing but, well...what Ryou's feeling now.]
I'll prove it to you. S-so if--
[He swallows hard. What an ugly word "if" is, between them. They've been together for a long time...saying "if" hurts.]
--when you come back...you can see. I'll change. I can.
[Maybe not all at once, and he'll fuck up, because that's just how he is. But eventually he'll find the right moves, and settle into them. Moves that aren't subversive and surreptitious towards the one he cares about more than anything.
Quietly, he stands, furling his wings behind him. He's avoiding Atem's gaze as he backs out, hands pulled to his chest. eyes covered by his own bangs.]
I...I know it isn't worth much right now, and I'll need to prove it to you, but...if you come back, and I'm still a nephilim at that time...I won't use my powers on you. I'm telling the truth. I won't. I'm so sorry...
[Once he's clear of the doorway, he moves away, to give Atem his privacy after what was, at least to him personally, a terrible, ugly, nasty event that has him stunned and hurting.]
GOD THE DIVORCE VIBES I'M LAUGHING SO HARD
It's ugly. But he can do it. He can skim over the surface of his worries and fears, like he always does...he can put it all away, again.
Webbed hands curl over the edge of the bathtub, and his gaze goes up to the ceiling.
Did I do right...? he wonders. By him?
...
Is that the question I should even be asking...? I want time apart, even if it's not what's best for him. That's enough...isn't it?
His feet, nearly dry now thanks to evaporation if nothing else, change back to something more suited to land-walking. The scuba-diver flippers shrink back into frog toes, more moderately webbed, and the shape of the legs, while still froglike, is slightly more human in its proportions. It's also importantly got bones built to hold his entire weight against gravity.
I just hope it doesn't accelerate his plans, with the amulet...I've got a really bad feeling about that...
He shuts his eyes, and pushes himself to his feet.
...but I can't bring it up now.
A discarded towel gets wrapped around his waist, because even if the lines of his body are smooth and unbroken, like when he was a naga, human legs mean a backside that reads as naked when exposed, and besides, he's still damp. It's early, but it's morning, which means he's gotten nearly a full night's sleep, before all this happened. He'll have to decide what to bring with him, what he'll need for a few days away from here, and what can safely stay...
...he crosses the hall to his own room, and starts to toss a few changes of clothes, his laptop, a couple thousand solars, and the Millennium Puzzle into a bag. Celeste's knife comes, too, and Komaeda's book, and Rachel's teeth-earrings...
After a minute or so, he sticks his head out of the door.]
Do you want me to take Tybolt...? Looking after him won't be too much trouble for you, will it? Or, he can go to Poundmates...
[It was his idea to bring the lion home. Saddling Ryou with full time lion care feels a little like a jerk move.
(The lion in question is in one of his hides, in the living room. It's very clear which hide it is, because one of Ryou's feathers is sticking out of it.)]
FOG HELP THESE IDIOTS
Maybe Atem would find it suspicious that he was already laying himself out to do nothing but...Ryou doesn't care all that much, he finds. He'll eat, he'll preen, he'll take care of what needs doing around the house...but not now.
All he wants to do now is close his eyes and sleep. But he can't even do that.
So, when Atem pokes his finned head out of his doorway, if he's even in a position to see...Ryou's visibly lying on his side, legs pulled up to his chest, and wings closed around him like a feathery cocoon. The only part visible is his slightly-askew halo, the tips of his curved horns, and his lion tail.]
...You can leave him here. If it becomes too much, I'll transport him to Poundmates myself but...I'm okay with him staying. Unless you want to take him...
[Ryou doesn't say it, but...he doesn't want to lose all of what makes this place a home. It's hard enough knowing that he and Atem are at ends, and that things might take a while to get back to normal.
If they even do. Ryou had done something terrible.]
OF COURSE I WANT MY KID BUT HE'S BETTER OFF AT HOME WITH YOU
He realizes this as he steps out of his room, into the living room, a bag over one shoulder.
Atem brought Tybolt to the apartment, and that lion...
...
...oh, no. That lion's his, isn't it.
There's not going to be a forever-home for that little guy. Atem's not fostering anymore. Life in Ryslig isn't the same without him, for Atem...giving him up would be too sad.
He's going to have to figure out better space for that lion. All of this shows on his face, as he's quiet for a moment. Then, he glances off to the side, away from them both.]
I do, but...putting me up for the night is one thing. Putting up me and a baby lion is twice as much trouble. He'll be better off staying here, in a place that's familiar, and set up to take care of him.
[He'd put up so many places for Tybolt to climb, hidden compartments where he wouldn't be found, even if someone came in with violent intentions...made puzzle trays for him, so he wouldn't be bored...
Stupid. Of course that lion's his, it has been for months now. But it's not a good idea to take Tybolt with him, trained or not. He has to eat, and go out, and it'll put a burden on whatever friends take him in. No, this is what's best.
Ryou probably didn't see any of that, cocooned as he is. He didn't even finish cleaning his wing. But, well...that's not Atem's problem to fix. He's got to go.
He gives a whistle, calling Tybolt over.
Tybolt doesn't come, not right away.
A second whistle!
That one does it -- Tybolt ambles out of the hide, slinking along the wall, knowing something's wrong. He goes up to Atem and sits untidily on his haunches, his feet sticking out to one side. Atem crouches down and pulls a little bit of nephilim down off of his nose, before rubbing his head, between the ears.]
Hey. I'll be back, okay...? So, don't worry. Behave yourself, and don't eat too much. Or anything you shouldn't.
no subject
I-if you change your mind...he'll be here.
[He has no such illusions about whether the lion was their pet or not. Ryou's treated Tybolt as a permanent fixture for almost as long as Atem's been in denial. That's their pet. He's part of their strange little group. The host to everlasting darkness, the mixture of everlasting darkness with a nameless king, and the eternally youthful lion-child. Yes, Tybolt has belonged here for a very long time.
While Atem says his goodbyes, Ryou's mostly-clean wing unfurls, and he chances a look out from his feather prison. He shouldn't have, because seeing Atem ready to go, with his bag, saying goodbye to Tybolt...it makes Ryou's breath catch in his chest. It...hurts. It really hurts, knowing that he'd had a hand in this. He had told Atem before, that he never wanted to argue again, back when they'd argued over the dehydrating, on how Ryou should be taking care of it.
He wants to apologize...but further words will do nothing but make it worse.
He doesn't expect Atem to look over, but if he does, a moment before the wing encloses Ryou again, he probably wouldn't miss the regret written all over Ryou's face.]
no subject
...but...
...he remembers how fast Ryou had gone from calm to ARE YOU SORRY. A switch had flipped, there are things nephs can't bear, and if Atem trips over another one, something worse might happen than words and regrets. He remembers Ryou's promise to change, and how carelessly he'd spent the night stuck away from home, even knowing how important he was to Atem. He remembers how responsible he feels, because didn't they promise that they'd be there for each other even if no one else was, and he knows Ryou would do anything for him, so when Ryou needs something, it has to be done--!
No. He's got to go.
One last rub to Tybolt's ears, and then the door opens, and closes, and Atem is no longer in the apartment.]
no subject
Ryou stays put on the couch for a while, lost in his own feelings over the matter...but eventually...he uncurls, opens his wings, and forces himself up. He's hungry, and Tybolt is probably hungry too.
Atem is gone...and the only thing he can do is make sure that he starts taking steps in proving that he can change...instead of just saying it, and then leaning on Atem even harder for stability. He can't take back what he'd done as a nephilim though...and that makes him a little less hungry than usual...but he's still going to take care of himself.]
...I'm not going to disappoint you again, Atem. I can't do this to you again.
[He says it quietly, as if Atem might be right outside the door, listening for some kind of sign. But he's not.
Before he goes to the fridge...Ryou unwinds a bit of cord from his hand. He'd been holding the object so close to his chest that it would be a miracle if it was spotted, but he sets it on the kitchen counter now, with a light click. The light doesn't quite catch on the surface of the small gemstone affixed to the cord, not in any normal way. It's almost as if light sinks into it and doesn't seep back out.
This...is not for now. It's for another time. He'll show it to Atem later, once things have calmed down.]