knifemonopoly | IC inbox

[Atem's ears are pressed close to his head. His body language, his expression, all of it is stressed; he doesn't like this, not at all, and it doesn't strike him as the best move...

...but, it's Ryou's move. It's how Ryou is choosing to address his problems, how Ryou is choosing to play...it's important that Atem respects that. When he tried to make Ryou play like Atem would, it went badly...so, maybe this will be, if not better, at least not worse.]

I won't stop you. And, if it goes bad, I'll help you. It might cause trouble for me, but that's because I care what happens to you -- that's no reason not to do it. What I needed, this spring, caused trouble for you, so...

Whatever happens, you can count on me.

[The idea of Mukuro killing Ryou because Ryou's become too much of a danger to leave alive makes Atem feel truly miserable. He'd almost rather do it himself, he doesn't mind a mercy kill -- but, it would be more upsetting for Ryou to be killed by Atem than Mukuro, wouldn't it?

...

Wait. He should talk about that, instead of assuming he knows best for Ryou.]

You should know...that I'd be willing to kill you, if you needed a gentle death. If you prefer Mukuro, because the memories of the times Ankhsunatem killed you are already too painful, then I understand...but, you don't have to avoid asking me out of kindness.

[Ryou hates to see Atem look this way. He wants to make it better, to tell Atem that he won't do it, he won't make a choice that Atem doesn't approve of.

He almost does...but then he remembers what that had lead to. Loneliness, upset, strife. He' snot going to make things worse by being untrue to himself. Atem wanted him to be selfish...and so he will be.

It's not to be cruel. It's...to be who he is, isn't it? To let himself make a decision that isn't rooted in the wishes of another.

Ryou can be himself.

Even if "himself" is not perfect. Atem is telling him so, by saying that he'll support Ryou. Right?

But still, it hurts. Ryou pushes himself further up, until he's functionally slithered up into Atem's lap a little. Obviously most of his tail is still on the floor, but he wants to be close, to wrap his arms around Atem's shoulders.]

All I can ever ask for is what you're offering me. I know it might sound silly but...I'm humbled by your support. I know it can't be easy, but it means a lot...it does.

[He pauses, trying not to frown too hard at the next part.]

And...It's not the memories. I know that you'd make it painless, just like she did. Not...for the other me, but for the real me. I trust you to do it...but I love you, and I don't want to die at your hand. Not you. Not again...if I can help it.

I don't want to die at all, it still scares me. The only time it never did was when I sacrificed myself for Yugi and the others...and you. Back when we all first met. I know that's not a memory you and I share, but...then and only then, did I offer my soul, to protect all of yours.

[Ryou draws in a breath that feels like it stings him from the inside out. He doesn't want to get into this too deeply. Clearly he's unsettled by the topic.]

L-listen, um. We should...compromise on it. If Mukuro isn't there, then...y-you can do what you need to. But...if you can respect this choice, I would feel better. It's as much a kindness for me as you.

Of course I can respect it!

[Clawed hands, dry and dead, take hold of Ryou's shoulders.]

Ryou, all you had to say was, "I don't want to!"

If you were asking me not to be the one to kill you for my sake, then I wanted you to understand how I felt...but what matters about your final wishes is what you want, not me. If you don't want it to be me, then that's that: we don't have to compromise! But, if you change your mind -- and you can change your mind -- you can ask me for it. But only if it becomes what you want.

[He's just....not going to dig into the self sacrifice Ryou remembers but he doesn't right now.

It's not like he can talk, given his own past.]

[Ryou looks at Atem incredulously. It's really just that easy, huh?

He'd...really been making it so much more complicated than it had to be, assuming that Atem wouldn't approve, and therefore that things like this weren't feasible. It's not equally cut between his deferential personality and their disagreement before this point, but they both contributed to this.

Either way, he leans in and presses another chaste kiss to the side of Atem's bat snout, before pressing his face into Atem's shoulder. His next words are mumbled, but audible]

I'm sorry for the way I treated you. It was shameful and you didn't deserve it and--you're so kind to me...even after we argue...

[All this because he doesn't have to explain "I don't want to." It's unbelievable how much of a whiny guy he's being--

--or maybe it isn't, given that he's been without his most cherished person for two weeks. Either way...]

[And he's going to wrap his arms around Ryou's shoulders, bringing Ryou into a tighter hug.]

Part of that was my fault...for not understanding how the way I was treating you was making you feel.

[Not until the damage was done, anyway, and he was seeing the effects...and had to fix it. The ways he chose to cope with difficulty...the tools he had...he can't use them all anymore, can he...?

Ryou's collar reminds him of that. A clawed hand comes up, and a thumb brushes over the leather.]

We should be careful how we use this. I can't take control over your decisions when you're having a hard time, anymore...it's not good for us.

Edited 2022-08-21 00:55 (UTC)

[Ryou wants to argue that things don't have to change so drastically, Atem doesn't have to give up every single caring habit that he ever partook in, because it would alter their relationship too much, too fast...

...But he knows why Atem is saying this. He knows that things can't continue as they are, because Ryou is someone who values his agency. And yet...

Ryou turns his head, so he can speak where Atem can hear him, but he's still leaning.]

I've let you do too much. I haven't been letting myself exist as who I am, when...the truth is, I don't like it when other people take who I am away. It's not that you did it against my will...but my will hasn't been mine in a while, has it?

[There's a shame to his words, weighing them down.]

I don't want things to change too much. Not like this. I still want you to...to ground me. But if it's bad for us, then...

[His snakes hide back in his hair. They don't like this feeling. They're sad and conflicted and don't know how to deal with that any better than Ryou does.]

This is my fault too. I gave up. It's easier to give up and hide. But I shouldn't do that anymore. I can't.

[Atem starts to stroke the back of Ryou's head, petting his hair. He doesn't touch the collar.]

Being able to ground you, when it helps, is something I like. I want to be able to do that for you. But, if it's easier for you to give up, then it's also easier for me to take over, so...

...I can't do that when it keeps you from being yourself. I want you to be who you are...and I want you to be confident in your own decisions, even if I don't agree. I'm sorry, that I acted in a way that made you feel like you couldn't be that person...I'll do my best not to act that way again, now that I understand that it's easy for me to do that if I'm not doing well, and that it's not good for you. That'll make it easier not to give up, right?

Remember -- I started liking you when who you were didn't have anything to do with me. So...when you're free to be that person again...I'll definitely still like you!

[The only thing stopping Ryou from instinctively wrapping himself around Atem completely at this point is the space economy they currently have going on with the sofa and the coffin-table, but he very much wishes he could. It's less about wanting to close the gap between then and more the fact that Atem is managing to say the exact things that would comfort him in this situation.

Being assured that he, as he is, would be loved by Atem, and that in fact, even with all his flaws, Atem had fallen for him in the first place...it's almost too much to think about.

So, he simply nuzzles Atem's shoulder more. It's a comfort to do so.]

I know...I can't expect you to take the reins for me indefinitely, or even frequently. I'm the only person who can be in charge of me.

Your narrator told me that what we're doing right now is weakening us, as a team. I thought it was just because I was a useless burden, but it's more than that. We have to work together more cohesively--not try and cover up each other's shortcomings and overcompensate for them.

[A hand reaches up, to scratch behind one of Atem's ears. It's as much for Ryou as it is for Atem, honestly. He wants to do this. To touch. To be close. To know that Atem isn't going to leave him again, even if the mere anxiety of it is nonsensical at this point.]

I'll be better. For you and for me.

[Atem's ear instinctively does a radar-dish twirl, when it's scratched, and he shakes his head -- not because of the scritch, but because of what Ryou said.]

You don't have to be better. Just be more like yourself! You can't always be "better"...everyone has a limit, to that, and whether it's enough for the people around us or not is up to them.

But, who you are -- that's good enough for me!

I gave you that collar first and foremost to help you with your scar...we should go back to thinking of it that way.

[Ryou's shoulders slump noticeably when Atem says they should walk back anything besides utility for the collar. It's...not what he wanted, ever.]

So...we shouldn't play the games we do anymore with it...? Never?

[He doesn't want to walk back that kind of trust--but if Atem thinks it's better, even when they're alone and flirting, then...he'll respect it.]

I've really screwed it up, haven't I? H-hahaha...

[His hand stays in place, even after Atem's head-shake. But now he's not scratching so much as gently stroking the inside of the ear with his thumb. Gently. It's as much for him as it would be for Atem.]

U-understood though. I know...it's like you said. You fell in love with who I am. I'll be me. But maybe not the me that's a shade for a little longer. I won't let Mana make me a nephilim again, but...I'm not ready to go back to shade yet.

[He'll keep being selfish a little longer about that. Even if changing back hurts him badly, he isn't ready.]

At least, not for now.

[Atem has to stand by that. If they're going to get better about Atem not taking Ryou's decisions away from him...they shouldn't slip back into that mindset as soon as it seems fun. They need to get stronger on their own, first...]

We should try to get by without them. But I screwed up, first...I'm the one who used them to take your will away from you, when it wasn't a game.

[His head tilts into the ear touch. He doesn't comment on the intent to stay away from being a shade, just acknowledges it with a wordless nod. Ryou's choices about his monster type are his.]

Please don't take all the blame. That's not fair. I did a lot of panicking after what happened on the network, back then. I tried to take the blame for what you all did, because of how I felt after killing those men, and because it's easier for me to do that kind of thing...to protect people.

[What a time to own your self-sacrificing habits, when you're sprawled partly on your prior-to-this-point estranged boyfriend's lap, while he's a massive vampire bat covered in bristly fur that doesn't quite match up with how velvety soft his ears are.

But he is owning it.]

I wouldn't change it. And I want you to know--what happened leading up to what we did back then...I would have found my way on that path anyway. The humans here...they're very good at hurting themselves. They don't need us to do it...but here we are, all the same.

That CEO deserved what he got. I'd kill him over and over just to protect those who can't protect themselves. Monsters could have really been hurt...and as for humans, they're just eating one another, in some form. We're helping it along, is all.

[He draws in a long breath that sounds almost painful...then sighs it out.]

Sorry, that's not quite on subject, is it? But I had a lot of time to think. Nephilim don't sleep, so...I needed to occupy my mind.

[Not every human is like that, Atem wants to say. Some of them are good. Some of them don't deserve what happens to them here.

But the words stick in his throat.

He can't think like that. Individual humans can't matter to him, or they all will, and he'll make the kinds of mistakes that led them to needing to turn to the Fog for power.

So, instead, he just gathers more of Ryou into his lap, into his too-long arms with their too-big hands, and backs away from the still-impassible wall, the unsolvable problem, the understanding he has to look away from that is, this place has done terrible things to us both, but this is what we need to be, to live long enough to get out.

He's got to think about something else. He can't get stuck in the grief of it, or he'll get nothing done.

So....he just holds Ryou closer, and does his best to forget that he has no idea how all of this will end.]

I'm glad...that we talked. Just because it's eaiser for me to take control, and for you to throw yourself into danger for others, doesn't mean it's what's best...we'll both try to act knowing that we do that when things get difficult, and maybe, we won't end up in a place like this again.

[They really are made for each other.

The truth is...Ryou, when he says that he'll kill people to protect those that can't protect themselves...he means humans too. But they didn't get it, what kindness had been bestowed upon them. They just wanted to be scared of terrible monsters.

It'll always cut deep...so Ryou bandages it, so tightly that the wound can't breathe. Atem doesn't value humans anymore either, right? It would be disingenuous if Ryou did.

When Atem pulls more of him up onto his lap, Ryou makes himself even more comfortable, pulling both hands to his heart and nuzzling into Atem's chest. He doesn't want to think about what terrible things he's done, and how he wasn't any better than the Ring-Spirit for being a murderer who would destroy lives out of his own personal brand of justice.

Ryou has done enough thinking about this kind of thing. So...he takes the subject change in stride.]

Mmh. [He nods at Atem's words.] I'm glad we talked too. I was sad...thinking that maybe we wouldn't come to this kind of conclusion. That...maybe things would go a different way. But if there's still a chance for us to make it right, then...I'm glad.

[Ryou won't say what the "different way" could have been. It lends such an unwanted scenario too much weight in this moment.

He breathes out a soft exhale, relaxing in Atem's grip. He wants to close his eyes and sleep, finally, after a month of not being able to. Here, with his big bat boyfriend.]

There is. I'm sure of it!

We're going to be all right. But...

...there was something I wanted to suggest. A possibility, for the future -- for when you're ready.

[Huh...Ryou thought they'd gone over pretty much everything, honestly. But...evidently not.

He glances up at Atem with an uncertain look on his face.]

A possibility...? What do you mean?

What I mean, is...

...if you find someone else you wanted to date, alongside me...I would be all right with that. You don't have to...but, if there's someone it would make you happy to start seeing, then, I'll be happy for you.

[He wasn't always able to do this. For most of the last year, the idea made him uneasy...he felt possessive, he didn't want to share, didn't want anyone else touching Ryou like he did.

But, now...now, he's able to back off a little, and he feels it might be good for Ryou to be able to go to more than one person for what he needs. At the very least, Ryou should have permission, should know that it's an option for him, even if nothing ever comes of it. He's free, if he wants: but only if he wants. It won't hurt Atem, to do it.]

[Hey uh. What?

Ryou stiffens where he's at, and even his snakes look flabbergasted. What? Whaaaat?!?!

Why is Atem saying that? Does he think Ryou's too much to handle, so he wants to split the difference? No, no. He didn't say that. Ryou should think of it that way.

But he still feels weird though. Now the uncertainty is a full-blown worried expression. He wants to ask if Atem wants him to find someone else, but instead...what he actually asks is:]

What about you? Do you...have you been, um. Thinking about...doing the same?

[...he shakes his bat-head.]

No. There's no one else I want to be seeing right now. And, as long as you're not comfortable with it, I won't...

...but I've realized that I'd be comfortable with it, if that became something you wanted. I wanted to let you know that you could...and let you know early, before it became something uncomfortable between us, or something you felt like you couldn't tell me about.

[Okay. Alright. There's no lounging to be done here. Not on a topic like this.

Ryou slowly pulls his body back, holding himself upright and awkwardly toying with one of his snakes, since the hair he usually plays with when he's nervous has been replaced with such.]

I think it's more complicated than that. Atem, I...I wouldn't want to stand in your way if you wanted to be with someone else either. But...I don't think I could really say that I'm interested in anyone.

That is...uhm, I appreciate you letting me know that I could pursue another person if I wanted.

But I don't...think...I could date more than one person. M-maybe at some other point, but definitely not now. And there's not really...anyone?

Sorry, this was just pretty sudden to touch upon. I thought maybe, if you wanted to let me know that it was okay for me, that maybe you had someone in mind for you! L-like...I don't know. Beat?

[Oh.

Oh fuck. Shit. He hadn't meant to meander himself into that kind of assumption. No no nononono--]

But if I'm wrong, that's also very fair, you did have time to spend with lots of other people! I! I...

...I'm going to stop talking now.

[His eyes widen at the Beat insinuation. What?! Really? Ryou thinks so?!]

Really, I don't think of Beat that way! I'm happy for him, that he's getting the affection he deserves, and he's in a situation where he's happy. You don't have to worry about him!

And, even if I did date someone like him...it wouldn't mean I loved you any less. It'd mean I had something different with them -- like how I trust it would be, for you. I wouldn't be competing...because what you had with them would be different from what you had with me, and both would be important to you.

But it's all right...like I said, it doesn't have to happen now, or at all! I can date only one person, and be happy...and, I'm happy with you. We can stay like this as long as you want.

[Ryou would like to dissolve into the atmosphere. He has never missed being a shade so much as he does now, so he can just vanish and flit away and pretend this didn't happen.

But he's a naga, and there's nearly thirty feet of him to contend with. So...instead, he awkwardly thps a few times, his snakes shyly hiding in his hair.]

I'm happy with you too. I...I want to stay this way. I don't know if anything might change in the future, and you're welcome to tell me if that's the case, but. You're enough for me to be happy.

I was scared enough thinking you might've gone for good. Let's, um. Let's keep things simplified.

That is, I...c-can't really see myself involving another person, when I still have work to do with just the two of us.

[His words are clumsy and awkward, but he hopes he gets his point across. One potential catastrophe at a time, please...]

I understand!

[No, really, he does...he's felt the same way. He's wanted his feet under him, not wanted to worry about having to manage two or more relationships when he was still getting used to one.

He'll lean in, if he's allowed, and press his bat-nose to Ryou's forehead in a fuzzy, bristly kiss.]

I think that's wise. We do need to work on us...

...so, let's give us plenty of attention, okay?

[Can he pull Ryou close again? He's gonna try!]

[Bat kiss absolutely permitted. Ryou is very relieved that Atem gets it, but then, it's very infrequent that he doesn't understand how Ryou feels.

Sometimes the don't see eye to eye...but they're working on it. It's...heartening to think of things that way. So, naturally, Ryou allows himself to be pulled in again, smiling with genuine happiness as he's tugged in. One arm loops around Atem's back, between the sofa cushions and his wings, but gently so.]

H-haha. I'm alright with that.

[This time, it's him pressing a kiss to the underside of Atem's chin, while his snakes thpthpthp at Atem's cheeks. All of the boys are happy!

Though...come to think of it...]

...You still smell like cherries.

[Look at all of them go...the two snakes are pretty cute, now that they're being all friendly...]

You usually smell sweet! The only difference is that it's candy, not pastry...

[Scuse him while he sticks his bat snout right into Ryou's hair and sniffs around! It's silly, affectionate, and driven by a relief that they talked, that they're going to try to be all right, to go back to supporting each other instead of clinging to what they want but need to not have for the other's sake.]

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i'm sorry but he is absolutely whinetalking in this tag. sad boy.

bdsm/control discussion,

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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, PLAYER1. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 10.11.0.0.01 * PLAYER1 has joined 10.11.0.0.01 <PLAYER1>** If you're looking for someone you knew as Yugi before June, you've found him! It's Atem, leave a message.