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knifemonopoly) wrote2021-02-05 06:28 pm
knifemonopoly) wrote2021-02-05 06:28 pm
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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, PLAYER1. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 10.11.0.0.01 *** PLAYER1 has joined 10.11.0.0.01 <PLAYER1> If you're looking for someone you knew as Yugi before June, you've found him! It's Atem, leave a message. | ||||
no subject
He's a shade. He can do it. He's this monster. That's his power. That's all it is.]
No, you...you didn't do that, you haven't done anything useless! Everything you've done has mattered, always! Atem, please talk to me, why now? Why would you think that because I was unable to use my powers...s-somehow you've done something bad?
[The white creeps up Ryou's tail, further and further. He's frightened to see Atem react like this. Had he really screwed up by coming in here, trying to find a way to constructively redirect Atem before he overcompensated for others and sacrificed his well-being?]
We know that the game doesn't treat us all the same...and sometimes, we're dealt disadvantages. You take hits, I take hits...but we always work through it, don't we? We just have to put the pieces back together...put them back...before...before we get hit again.
paaaanic, paranoia
Ryou, I...
[His voice turns tight, his throat closing up.]
I can't. I can't do it, anymore. It's gotten too dangerous, it'll hurt our friends, now, not just me, it's -- don't you understand? Don't you understand how much of myself I put -- into -- trying to help you take hits? Trying to -- reduce them -- because if I couldn't be there, I could give you the powers you needed to protect yourself...!
[He's babbling. Ryou might have to take hold of that cup, otherwise it's slipping from nerveless fingers and getting all over the floor. If it does, Atem doesn't notice. He pushes his feet up onto the bed, scooting back, away from Ryou, staring up at him with wild eyes.]
But it won't do any good! They were taken away, like -- like it was nothing, because --
[His posture's turned hunched-up -- his knees are close to his chest, and the arm that's not supporting him is wrapped around his shins. His posture is fearful, and the words spill out of him, disorganized and chaotic.]
-- because whoever's behind Ryslig wants you to hurt! That's the only explanation, for why the rules keep breaking in order for you, just you, to go through pain I leave you alone for! Because I trusted the rules would keep you safe, trusted powers I paid for by making a whole city suffer would be something you could count on here, but even though I trusted that you didn't need me, that you'd be all right if I wasn't protecting you, I have to know you'll be all right, that I don't have to stay for you to be okay --
[He's still shifting back. Recoiling. He doesn't want to be touched, right now. Color's starting to bloom high on his cheeks -- he's on the verge of tears.]
cw; hysteria tbh
This is...really what Atem thinks. This is what he's been holding inside, all this time, no matter what Ryou does. His suffering...it's all part of the game.
It's a game to him.
Rules.
Ryou is just a focal point for the rules to be broken, is what Atem's saying. No, not just that.
Atem is saying something else. Something that, at the end of his frantic tirade, makes Ryou's cup drop like a stone, spilling blood and hot chocolate all over the floor. Atem's cup follows soon after. Ryou sit there, stares at Atem with eyes so wide they're nearly circular, and his tail...it's glowing white, twined with orange.
Even though Atem looks fit to burst into tears...Ryou doesn't reach out. He can tell when he's not wanted.]
...I...I see.
[He says the words calmly, so lightly that Atem can likely barely hear them, but for his unnatural minotaur ears.]
So. It was only your sacrifice, then. Not mine. Nothing I've done, to try and help, to try and be better, and stronger...none of that matters, because I'm at the center of a game that you've decided you can't win.
[Ryou smiles, a painful, twitching rictus that looks just as uncomfortable as it feels.]
It was kind of you to lie, Atem. But you can't have it both ways. You can't tell me it's not my fault, and then blame me, for being me.
[He stands at his full height and whereas he might typically have wrapped his arms around himself, to try and protect himself, or derive some level of comfort...Ryou doesn't do that now. Instead, he leans in, and one hand flattens against the bed. His face warps, overtaken by shadows, turning into a paltry but still aggressive looking clone of his fog form's head.]
I guess if I was a better puppet then maybe you could play your game better. But I'm not a puppet.
And I didn't need you to stay around just to protect me.
I love you. Unconditionally. I gave you my heart, I gave you so much of myself, and did whatever I could to try and take care of you whenever you were hurt. But then, the only moves that mattered were the ones centered around the main player.
You're player one. You've always been player one.
[He leans in closer, uncomfortably so...then the monster fades back, leaving only Ryou's face, teeth gritted so hard that Atem might hear them grind together.]
None of it meant anything to you, did it? Ever since we argued back then, I've done everything I could to correct behaviors that were wrong, and put undue weight on you because I was leaning too hard. I've been changing, I've been relying on other friends, I've been growing into my own power, realizing it for what it is.
And yet here you are, telling me that because I was powerless against torture, because I couldn't defend myself, that my pain is, somehow, proof positive that I can never be trusted, never be helped, and that your efforts were useless, is that right?
[He shakes his head, pulls back, and simply laughs. It builds, into uncontrollable hysterics not unlike someone else Atem might know. Perhaps Ryou Bakura is not entirely different from his spirit after all.]
Hhhah...h-haha...H-HAHAHAHAAAAA!!
Well then, I suppose there's nothing for it, is there? You can't be around such an unfortunate person! S-sorry to waste your time, Atem! Sorry to have wasted it with my feelings, and my love for you, if it was only going to become a disadvantage to you!
[Ryou takes several long steps back, looking the part of an eerie specter despite how solid he truly is right now. His shadow aura is forbidding. It has been almost the entire time he's spoken after Atem's admissions.
He doesn't want to be touched either, and he'll punish any attempts.]
Answer me this. Honestly, if you would.
Was this all a game to you? Us? Has it always been? Is that how you quantify us?
reset to last save, quicktime event! cw, for, content. Self sacrifice talk.
But even though it's clear, it doesn't stop a flash of temper from cutting through Atem's own anxiety, like heat lightning through a cloud bank. When Ryou leans over him, putting a hand on the bed, and changes his face to be a threat --
-- that's when Atem interrupts, glaring back at Ryou's snarling face with an answering snarl, Fog-whispers behind his voice, mist curling up from his nose and mouth.]
Oh, what have you ever given up for my sake, Ryou? You've never made a plan to make me stronger! It's always been my plan, for you, and your plan, for you. It had to be!
[Because Ryou was the one who needed it. Atem was okay with that, for so long, but realizing how doomed Ryou is, it feels like...
It feels so frustratingly pointless.]
I am the one who's worked and sacrificed for us. For you. You've worked to get stronger, you've tried, but...the plan's always mine. The sacrifices are always mine!
And you do need me around, because the powers I get work, and yours get taken away! My advantages stick, and you're never allowed to have them! Except I'll always end up separated from you, and there's nothing I can do to fight the part of this that's not you, that looks like bad luck but is malice!!
It's not your fault you can't hold onto an advantage when it matters most! It was taken away from you! And it's not your fault that I'm the kind of person who sacrifices his lives, his good name, his friends, to try to save you from what you're afraid of! I gave those things willingly...
...but I was so foolish to do it. I was so foolish, to not recognize that it was just --
[Here, the tears threaten again, even as Atem's molars grind.]
-- generating more suffering, for nothing, I --
-- how much I cared about you --
-- was used -- !
[This goddamn place. Atem wants to rip it apart with his bare hands. He wants to roar, scream, tear his clothes, tear up everything, because all of it is meaningless, meaningless, meaningless--!
Hoarsely, and panicky:]
I should have gone in alone. I should have let him hurt me, and just me, until I could use my ability, which works, to turn the tables on him. That way, our friends wouldn't have his attention now, for protection that you can't even count on.
[What a humiliating mistake. Ryslig got him, again...! Through his treasured relationship!]
cw; death, possession, torture, self-sacrifice
He always listens, doesn't he? Whatever Atem has to say, and he always has a lot to say...it's always allowed. Ryou always tries to work around it, to make the logic of it all make sense for Atem.
He speaks in game talk, because that's what Atem understands. That's what he's speaking in now, without ever understanding what Ryou feels, or what he wants to say, because it all has to be couched in a game.
For the King of Games. The one who always has to be at the top of the heap. He has to be better. He wants to be a pharaoh more than he wants to be a friend, even after everything, doesn't he?
Ryou can't let it slide though, what Atem had said. It had struck like a dagger, lancing through his heart, twisting his insides until he's sure he might be sick.]
What have I ever given up for your sake?
[Ryou gives a breathless laugh.]
Everything. I killed you, nearly risked possession to claw a parasite out of you. I gave my ability to feel, to try and take your pain of death.
I gave you my attention, whenever I thought you needed it, tried to help, whenever I could, when you looked as if you might break. And then when you did, my first thought when I woke up in an alleyway after being killed wasn't to get home and recover from post-death sickness. It was to find you, treat you, until you came back from what had been done to you! A terrible thing was done to you! I stood by your side until I could change it, but...I guess because I was scared, that doesn't amount to much, right?
I defended you on the network, during the broadcast. I defended you...when Aether told you that you deserved to be tortured. That didn't matter either, then, because I was defending someone who didn't want to be defended, but wants to rail about it now.
I took care of you last December, when the bugs got into your head, too, if you might recall.
And I supported you...rising in the ranks. I got our friends together to find you when you were blind. I guarded you when you were disadvantaged. I tried to make you happy...
[Ryou can't say any of this without emotion. He's very upset, and very offended to know that his gestures would never amount to anything, because he wasn't playing the game right.
Atem could tell him all he wanted, that he'd respect what Ryou chose, and did...but in the end...]
...I...
[He wants to be strong, to defend himself. He does. But it won't matter.
Atem has always been better at rebuttals. Ryou just stands there, trying his hardest not to cry and failing miserably.
Ryou shakes his head unable to help the pain he feels at Atem's words. It's not the kind that's felt when you're set on fire, or the kind you feel when someone litters your body with slow, agonizing cuts.
It's the kind you feel, when you realize that your lover's decided you're nothing but a spiked wall that he's been punching, over and over, hoping it'll turn into something softer, and never really achieving it.
This is the first time, Ryou thinks, that he's being blamed for something that's not his fault and he actually doesn't want to be.]
...I thought you were different. I thought you saw me...as something besides a cursed boy, a conduit for all bad things who is only meant to suffer.
[He looks at Atem with such hurt when he says that, wand when he adds:]
I love you. But that's not enough anymore is it? It won't ever be. It's all about the game to you, and I'm a high-cost token that you're carrying on your back. If I'm not part of your optimal move, then...th-then...
no subject
If Atem had known sooner that the events always end predictably...he could have told them, "just lock me up."
That death didn't have to happen. Ryou losing his ability to feel didn't have to happen -- which, Atem recalls now, is a phenomenon Lust had never heard of before, another way Ryou was forced to suffer uniquely.
But Ryslig made them suffer.
Defending Atem on the network had been a mistake. It had only thrown Ryou so far into despair that he'd tried to turn himself in to AM, and Atem had had to -- he doesn't want to think about it. It had hurt him, trying to work around Ryou's compulsion to go to the prison. But he'd done it.
Ryou's helped. But Ryou's never thrown his friends to AM's mercy, in a failed move. He's never given up his reputation, for the sake of powers that don't work when they're needed.
But he can't say any of that. Hot tears are welled up, he's going to have to make -- apologies -- he knows it -- ]
It's my fault. I didn't realize how futile trying to make Ryslig easier for you was. Not until I'd given up far, far too much.
[The hit on AM. The broadcast.]
I really haven't done anything but cause pain, have I...?
[He shakes his head. No. No, this has to end. He can't let how much he cares about Ryou...hurt his other friends.]
I can't keep getting people in trouble to help you, anymore. And I can't --
[This isn't the hard part, all of it's the hard part, but tears start to spill, when he gets to it.]
...I can't, Ryou! We're not good for each other, like this. We're not good for the people around us. It's not that it's not optimal, Ryou -- it's destructive! Look at the broadcast -- that was for you! My last life went to trying to protect you from AM, and that got you nowhere! Look at what's going to happen to the people who helped me avenge you, too -- and tell me it's not destructive! The choices I make, when I'm around you, because I can't stand to see you sad and scared and not try -- they're my fault. But I can't make them anymore.
[They won't work. None of them will work.
He really should have figured this out sooner. He should have disengaged, sooner. He's breathing hard, fast, shallow.]
I love you. But I can't...I can't be with you, if you're not okay without me. And I can't trust myself not to do dangerous things, because I think they'll work...because I'm afraid of losing you. I have to be okay with losing you, or -- !
[Or more people will just get hurt.]
I can't help you anymore. I can't. You have to do it yourself.
no subject
[Ryou looks away. If anything's broken his resolve at this point...it's all of that. He doesn't have anything left to fight against.
He reaches into his pocket, withdrawing his Dyster key. He keeps it with him pretty often, after all. Which is for the best, in this case. It couldn't have worked out better for him, could it?]
I want you to think about something for me, while you're here.
[He says this without looking at Atem, going to his bedroom door and closing it so that he can change it, onto a more welcoming place, a place where Ryou can lay in bed and let the Fog wash over him, to soothe his hurt.]
I want you to think about how many of those times I made you do those things. You're blaming them on me--don't lie and say you aren't. You do us both a disservice pretending that you don't really think it's my fault.
[The door clicks shut...and then, another click as he turns his key.]
I'll be moving some things around. If you hear me, pay it no mind. And...Atem?
[He opens the door, steps into Dyster, but before he closes the door, he looks at Atem, and in those glowing eyes of his is actual, painful regret.]
I really am sorry for what you had to do, and what you gave up for me. And I'm sorry that bad things come to me. You're right. I'm cursed.
[The door closes softly after that. True to his word, there might be activity in his room, but Ryou is only there temporarily. If Atem chances a look inside, he'll find that Ryou's possessions have dwindled. The room isn't bare, but it no longer feels warm, personal, or lived in.]
cw hysteria, paranoia
He knows whose fault it is. It's whatever's interested in ensuring Ryou suffers.
It's a force Atem can't fight anymore.
It's a force he's made terrible mistakes while trying to fight.
It's Atem's fault, too, for falling for it. For making those choices.]
It really was...
...all for nothing....
[He feels dizzy. He feels like he's going to be sick. His hands come up to his mouth, as the fog he breathes slips in and out of his fingers, staccato-quick --
-- and, he laughs. Tears, hot and unwanted, run down his face, into his mouth -- but what comes out is a laugh, that has all of the pattern and rhythm of an erupting volcano.]
You got me!
[He shouts at nothing, to the nearly-empty apartment.]
You really got me, this time! H-hahaha -- ha ha ha ha ha -- I fell for it!
I lose!
[And, he's going to sit there on the bed, spiraling out into darkness, until...
...well. Until Tybolt comes in. He sniffs the dried blood-chocolate on the floor, and makes a small mrrow?
It's enough to get Atem up.]
...come on, boy. We've got to find a new place to live.
cw ptsd, flashbacks, anxiety, panic, unreliable memories!
What happened in actuality was, Ryou said:
"I would if I could have...but my powers, they...they didn't work. I couldn't -- I couldn't do it. I t-tried to get out, but in there...th-there's no way out."
And Atem thinks he remembers saying his reasoning aloud, as he desperately tried to make sense of what he understood as I couldn't use my powers, instead of "I couldn't get out." He could swear he said it. But I tried to get out has sent his heart racing out of his chest, set the room swimming like he's seeing it through the heat-haze, is making his back itch, is sending reflected portal-light on warehouse office-walls across the surface of his brain, an echo in his ears of These are silver. Even think about trying to get away from what's coming and I will start using them instead of the surgical steel. -- but his voice didn't work. It didn't obey him as he tried to make sense of it, find the reason, find the rule, find what he did wrong, and he didn't say --
The rest of us -- we had our powers. Our god boon powers. As long as we stayed on the same side, as the god who gave them to us.
The knuckles of his hands just went white silently, as he started to breathe shallow and quick. What did he do wrong? What did he do wrong?
He thought he said, You should have had them. Why didn't you? What was different, about...?
But he didn't find his voice again, not until "It wasn't your fault." And he doesn't notice that they're talking past each other, that he's misunderstood --
He doesn't notice at all.]