knifemonopoly | IC inbox

[He can respect that request.]

I won't.

[...but, why is it that he feels even less like he understands her than he did before? Why is it that his feelings fail to reach her every time, even when he thinks that, this time, he's sure he's got it?

He's got pieces, but he can't see what shape they go in. And, until he does....he'll continue to upset her, and she'll continue to shut him out, and he's not sure what to do about that. She is so terribly brittle, right now, and what's left of what had been between them -- someone he treasured, someone he trusted, someone whose feelings he wanted to protect enough that he learned how to lose for her -- feels like one of those scrolls so ancient they dissolve when they're touched. How could it have gone this sour this fast?

Is he going to lose her? Will this Aunamee guy get her, and he'll never know? The idea makes him want to put a fist through a wall, or tear open the throat of someone he's never seen -- it fills him with the same hot rage he can't let Riley know about.

There's nothing else he can think of to say that won't damage things further.

What is he missing?!

Damn it!

He puts his fists in his pockets, and he leaves.]

[...........okay, wow, WOW, so, the future is still super violent, and being gay is one of those things that makes you a target. A very big target.

What the hell is that about, though, why -- why were they attacked, he'd have been surprised to see two women together before Ryslig if they were older than teenagers, but it'd be like attacking someone for still sleeping with a stuffed toy, that's incredibly wrong.

(After being in Ryslig a few months, he gets that there are people who like girls and people who like boys and people who like both and people who like neither and girls don't grow out of it and men who like men don't always want to be women and it's fine.)

And, the sheer frequency of the violence against people who...okay, he doesn't quite get what "your body doesn't match your gender identity" means. It's a lot like being confronted with a slang dialect yout don't know, and you do your best based on context because you're sharp, but it's an inexact science.

So, he accepts the wine, pulls himself together, and asks a question that will hopefully give him more context.]

Why are trans people targeted so often?

[Ryou flinches, because his anger is interrupted by, you know.

His roommate.

Immediately, he turns to look at the other Yugi, looking pretty embarrassed at his actions. He still has some slip-ups very rarely, but he's been working so hard to get used to living with someone, and he likes to think he's doing okay at being tolerable.

This? This is not tolerable, it's just rude. And yet...he's still aggravated.

He takes a moment to swallow the bit of rice he had in his mouth, then answers back with his own questions:]

Did you see the post? About the Monster World campaign?

[He seems...wounded over it. Enough that although he feels bad for disturbing the other Yugi, he's asked that instead of apologizing.]

That's... complicated. People think it's gross and wrong for like, a person who was born as a man to say that no they weren't born right that they're actually a woman. It smacks in the face of their faith to consider that someone wasn't born in the body that reflects how they see themselves.

[ Annie has no idea if that will make sense to Yugi. It's absolutely insane to go after someone over something as basic as how they identify themselves gender-wise. ]

Wait. Yugi. Am I like.... going too fast? Do you even know what I mean when I say gender identity? I mean you are from 1997.

[ Annie says that as if it's another world. In many ways it is. ]

[Not being in a body that reflects how they see themselves.

That's something he's going to...not examine right now. He feels like it isn't an uncommon experience on the peninsula -- many people are likely not at home in their bodies here. He happens to be one of them.

But that's not what they're discussing.]

Not in so many words, but I'm following. You're talking about people who live as a gender they weren't born as. It's far from unknown -- there are several instances throughout history that we know of, and likely even more that we never found out about!

[He pieces it together with the tools he's got, gesturing with the glass of wine to punctuate his point.]

Expressing their authentic selves, then, means that if other people know their body doesn't match how they want to live, they face a real risk of violent retribution, due to religious fanaticism or other repulsion.

[Yes? Has he got it?]

Yes.

[Well, that eliminates the possibility that < GODKING > is just Ryou being much more confident online.

A bunch of pieces he'd only guessed about before click into place. Ringu is the survivor of Kul Elna is < GODKING > is Ryou's other-self who took over the body and did terrible things.

Aha.

It all makes a great deal of very uncomfortable sense. The other Yugi takes the laptop off his lap and sets it on the couch beside him. Rather than saying "yes" and leaving the computer open, like he just wants to get back to doing something else, it's a signal that Ryou has his full attention.]

And who it's being organized by.

So...you do know about it. About him.

[The rice is set aside, forgotten. Ryou had spent so much time wondering what their interaction was, the Ring-Spirit and the other Yugi, after they'd returned from the alternate world. They were enemies, but in that world, they'd been friends. And since the other Yugi hadn't played that awful game where all of Ryou's friends had been put through a gauntlet of death and which culminated in Ryou's own--if temporary--loss of life, it was hard to explain that they were enemies of the highest degree.

And...stupidly, he'd thought that maybe here, the Ring-Spirit needn't remain an enemy at all.]

I know...I realize that he has just as much interest in Monster World as me. It's my thing, but as much as he bastardized my thing, it's something he enjoys too.

He even told me he had a rulebook, and that we should do a game together. But that's never going to happen now. Not after what happened at the museum. So, you know, I only wonder if this is him rubbing it in?

[Ryou crosses his arms, looking annoyed, yes. Angry, maybe. But mostly he looks upset.]

...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lost my temper and made a fuss.

Losing my temper is what probably ruined everything in the first place.

[The first part was an apology to the other Yugi. The second part...not quite.]

[...oh, this one is complicated. This isn't a sit-on-your-butt-and-listen problem. The other Yugi stands up and half-leans, half-sits on the arm of the couch, facing Ryou more fully.]

He said you should do a game together? With your history, it seems to me like that'd be complicated, even without whatever happened at the museum.

[Playing a game alongside someone who'd used your body to call down shadow games...even if it's in the past now, it risks bringing up bad blood.]

...were you two getting along before that?

Yes. It's upsetting anyone has to face hate like that. It seems bad enough to me that they have personal demons to wrestle with but add small-minded jerks? Yikes.

[ Annie shakes her head unhappily. ]

It's why I'm glad you wanted to ask questions. You're coming from a place of honestly wanting to know more. I think starting there is like, the first step to learning about things like this. I mean I'm pretty sure I'm either bi or pan I haven't figured that out. I just know deep down the idea of others getting hurt upsets me. Makes me a bit mad too if I'm honest.

[ Annie will throw down for other people. It's very her. ]

It is complicated, you're right. He's terrible, I know that. I shouldn't trust him, but...before you got here, he was the person I knew the best. Noa...I have no memory of.

[That's terribly sad, isn't it? When he showed up in Ryslig, his only person to lean on...was the Ring-Spirit. The one who had brought so much suffering to him, and had excluded him pretty cleanly from his friend circles more than once. The one who had hurt the people he cared about, and made it impossible for him to live with his father--his only remaining family member!]

We weren't...getting along. We argued, and he would, I don't know, try to make me feel better about some things, in his own way?

[Ryou shrinks into himself a little, his clawed fingertips digging into his arms.

Was he the maker of his own problems here? Probably so!]

I thought that...maybe if I could just understand him...

[He stops himself there because even THAT train of thought is ludicrous.]

[He totally gets that. They get each other on that point. Hurting someone either one of them loves puts you immediately on notice. All she says, that's very true!

(He doesn't know what pan is but isn't going to make fun of it; no fuss is made, just a nod of acknowledgment.)]

And I want to be able to talk to potential partners for Javert without accidentally driving them off!

[He gives a little toast to her and takes a drink. Research! He's doing research, to help a friend, and to avoid inflicting unintended hurt. Nothing about it, he thinks, is personal, or anything to do with him. It's like he said -- he's a ghost with no memories. How is he supposed to be getting into relationships in that state? No. Nope. Gotta know himself first, gotta know he'll be good at it.

--actually, he should probably clarify:]

Bi or pan, that's "girls and boys," right?

That's a generous impulse, to want to understand. Here, we've got to live with the people we don't like, if they're monsters, too. There's no way to remove them from the board, so...trying to understand someone, even if they're terrible, isn't just kind. It's practical! If you understand someone, then you've got a better shot at stopping what they're doing that you don't like.

[Not ludicrous at all.]

That guy....he's harder to understand than most. For a lot of reasons. He doesn't even seem to have the best grasp of himself!

...

Having to rely on him must have been difficult. Especially if he doesn't understand you, either.

[Which sure as hell seems likely. "Trying to make me feel better in his own way" is very faint praise to damn someone with. Not to mention the timing of the Monster World game, in the context of that relationship.

With only a guy like that to rely on, no wonder Ryou ended up haunting a house.]

If he understood me at all, then he wouldn't keep calling me "landlord" rather than using my name. But he's incapable of figuring out how to interact with me. I don't understand how he has friends around here, or if he even does but it's absolutely infuriating!

[Ah. There it is. The resentment, roiling to the top and spilling forth like a poison, just as he'd been warned. His ears aren't lowered now because he's sad. They're back because he's been dying to say this, even after he spoke with Noa. Noa was understanding too. But Noa was admittedly playing both fields, as kind as he had been.

This Monster World thing, it had undone any semi-acceptance that Ryou had allowed himself.]

Maybe he's right calling himself a parasite. He takes and takes, but its for his own fun and benefit, not mine. I didn't ever choose to call him that, I wanted to believe it could turn out, right up until that last second that the pushed me too far.

[Saying that was too much. It begged too many questions but Ryou's too hurt to care. Even if the other Yugi didn't ask him, he'd probably still spill the beans out of spite.]

[A landlord, and a parasite...

...what a terrible way to see a relationship that intimate. This kind of anger -- he can't imagine Yugi ever having it, ever feeling it towards him. If he did, the other Yugi would feel the deepest horror, at wounding someone so important to him so badly. But Yugi didn't go through what Ryou went through.

A different Atem might have demanded to know, what did you do?! A different Atem might have held his friends to a standard of behavior, a standard of mercy, a goodness he'd picked up from the person he shared his heart with.

He is not that Atem.

He protects his friends with shadows and blood, carving parts away from their tormentors until the scales are balanced.

Whatever Ryou did might very well have been fair.

So instead, the dark spirit of the Millennium Puzzle asks neutrally, with neither judgment nor anxiety:]

What did he do?

[Ryou shakes his head slowly. He shuffles from one foot to the other nervously, because he knows where this will all lead, and he has to tell the other Yugi the whole account for him to get it. He both wants and doesn't want to talk about it. But...he decides on the former pretty quickly.]

You remember I was upset about the whole subject of who I am, sometime after we returned from the alternate world? He approached me privately on the network and I had, well. I...had a bit of a breakdown on him as well. He was surprisingly helpful with that. Really, I was quite surprised, but given what he said afterwards, it makes sense.

[The shade sighs, then comes around the kitchen counter, arms still wrapped around himself. Unconsciously, he wants to be a little closer to the other Yugi, to someone properly friendly with him.]

He expressed interest in meeting up, and...well, he'd done me a favor, I wanted to pay the kindness forward. I offered to meet him up then and there at the museum. In hindsight, it was foolish...because I wasn't wholly alright, and he's never alright.

A-anyway, we met, we spoke, and he questioned why I was there, to the point where I soon realized my way wasn't good enough. That was frustrating enough, so I just asked him to treat this whole...[He moves a hand from his arm, waving it in a circular motion to convey his point]...thing...as normal for once. Let's just be normal.

I guess I wished he and I could be like you and the real Yugi. That...would be nice.

[And he smiles sadly, oh god is it depressing to look at someone who had what you so desperately wanted; a close bond forged by shared hearts. A real friend who knows who you are and makes you stronger, not an opportunistic thief that uses your body as a plaything.

Ryou has to pause, to steel himself for the rest of the story, but also to give the other Yugi a moment to deal with all he'd already said.]

[...

They're trying.

Even though Ryou's been hurt...he and the spirit that possessed him are...trying. Trying to...help one another, but they seem to have no idea how to do it, and he knows from talking to the other Bakura that his mood can switch to cackling-villain on a dime, which doesn't inspire confidence in his ability to regain the trust of someone he hurt terribly. That makes his too-still heart twinge, nearly as much as like you and the real Yugi does.

The symbiosis he and Yugi have...well, had...is a good thing. He can understand why it would be envied, when Ryou had gone through something so similar and so different.

He wishes he could be like himself and the real Yugi, too, again.]

So, he didn't want to treat it like it was normal? And what do you mean, "your way"?

Well.... Yes. Ideally we don't scare off anyone who is good enough for Javert.

[ Annie had almost forgotten about how serious this was. The Inspector needs better taste in men. Annie has no idea how to say that to the man so this is a better plan. ]

Um. Bisexual is boys and girls. Pan includes... More. Like there's some people who don't have strong ties to a male or female identity. I suppose you could say pansexuals are more concerned with "I find this person attractive based on qualities I'm super into" without it being totally tied to gender? I'm just.... I'm a young woman and I'm allowed to not be settled even though I know I like girls and boys.

[Sometime soon, Ryou will find himself deeply apologizing to the other Yugi for some of the things he's said here, to possibly risk bringing up sad memories and everything surrounding it. He'll have to find a way to make it up to him somehow, and in the back of his mind he knows that!

But he's on this path, and he can't diverge from it now. He has to finish what he started.]

He asked me what normal was supposed to mean. That's when I asked him to quit calling me landlord, to use my name. I told him I was tired of the debates and arguing, and something in all of that set him off. That's when he...he scoffed at it. He sounded bitter, but I think that I took it as him making fun of me when he told me I wanted him, the parasite, to use my name like we're friends. He said I just wanted to pretend like things were normal, when they aren't.

And he's wrong. I don't want to pretend. I wanted to see if it was possible. He's been in his own head here for long enough I thought he could maybe live away from the darkness and vengeance, then be someone tolerable!

Something about that, him being derisive at me...just made me lose it. I...I never told anyone until recently, and now it's just you and Noa, but I attacked him. Pinned him in my tendrils and said things I never thought myself capable of to him. I mocked him back. I insinuated that he was stupid bemoaning and never letting go that I sacrificed my soul to save my friends. I...I told him to quit making excuses or I'd...

[Ryou shudders because this is the opposite of who he is and it hurts to repeat it.]

I-I'd rip his soul out and let him appraise it from outside his body. I cannot forget what I told him, I just...I can't.

But the worst part is that it didn't make a difference. He just told me I was making excuses for him and he all but encouraged me to do it. S-said that maybe...maybe we'd be lucky and he'd stay gone for once.

[Ryou grits his teeth and looks away, aghast at all of this. He's damn lucky Noa never got to see how upset he was admitting this but now...now Yugi got to see it and it was shameful.]

I didn't pull his soul out, I swear, I left because I was frightened of what I did...!

[Oh. Oh, buddy. Oh, these two pieces have very rough edges, don't they -- they're sharp and raw and jagged and every time they try to fit, they get cut, like they've cut one another before, for goodness knows how long.

Ryou wants to fit. The other guy is sure they can't. He's so sure things are damaged beyond repair that it doesn't take much for him to give up and go right back to dramatic cackling and keeping control of the conversation through being as shocking and horrifying as he can, right? He tries, sometimes, to help, but...he's a messed-up soul and knows it and would, it seems, rather die than work to change his relationships.

With their history...it's no wonder Ryou felt so hurt. He'd done something very generous in trying to have a relationship that wasn't being used, and he'd hit not just a wall, but a wall of spikes.

They're all sharp edges and wounds, both of them. There's no undamaged surface left.]

--that's all?

Ryou, you had an argument that turned into a threat, one you even backed down from before you followed through with it. After everything he put you through, you came to make peace, and he made fun of you for it. In a situation like that, no one could blame you for losing your temper!

[Hell, the other Yugi thinks Ryou showed restraint.

But the problem isn't just what the other spirit had said. It's what Ryou discovered he was capable of, what he nearly did.]

It's not the kind of person you want to be, though, is it? The kind that gets angry. The kind that fights back.

[(it's almost a shame that the other Yugi doesn't have a personal point of reference for, "kill me" "maybe I will!" yet. however, since the jury's still out on whether he ever learned anything from that, perhaps it's just as well.)]

[Ryou is quiet for some time after that, trying to gather up his thoughts here. The other Yugi was extremely good at reading everyone, and Ryou feels astoundingly validated and outright seen at this point. It's all he ever really wanted, was to be seen for who he truly was.

Maybe Noa was right. These two could gain something from being around each other after all.]

...No. I don't want to be that person. I've never been so reactive in my life unless others were in danger. Of course I get angry, and of course I speak my mind when needed, but to actively try and hurt someone with my words is not who I want to be. Nor is being the one to attack another physically.

I know I don't have a choice with it here, but at least with him, I thought that was an option. It's upsetting that it's not possible to reconcile, but I don't think I'm going to try for a while.

[He exhales softly, then glances at the other Yugi more intently.]

Just so that you're aware...this isn't how I'll behave as a roommate all the time. I'm, um. I'm sorry for all the trouble I've been causing you, Yugi. With the rain, and now with this. I was upset, but this is not your responsibility to deal with, even if we are friends.

[The other Yugi doesn't consider anger a bad thing. To him, anger is the heart's way of protecting itself -- it's a signal that something important, your self, has been hurt. Anger should be listened to, and you should look carefully at where it comes from as well as where it points, and decide if you're going to act on it.

He waves off the last comment, now sitting fully on the arm of the couch, with a laugh.]

If you think this is trouble, then you must've not been told about the kinds of things my friends got into, before we met you. I've never turned away from helping out a friend!

[Even if, sometimes, helping and supporting your friend involved much, much more trouble than borrowing a hair dryer and letting them vent.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

His grin, which is just a little bit too playfully dark, fades after a moment, back into something thoughtful.]

I think that the two of you...are going to have a hard time not hurting each other, even if you don't mean to, for a long time. Considering that his last words to you were along the lines of, "it'd be lucky if I disappeared..." I don't think this Monster World game is meant to be retribution for what happened during the fight. I'd bet he's been working on it a long time, it happened to be ready now, and he didn't think about your feelings at all. It's careless, and a little clueless! But he's not trying to get back at you.

And...there wouldn't really have been a good time to do it, would there? That's probably his logic, so he's decided to do what he wants and have his own fun. So, I'd just ignore it, and do what you wanted, too!

...unless, of course, there's more to what he's doing than a casual TTRPG, and it's something we should worry about. I can't use any magic in games, but he's been here longer than me, and might have gotten it back. Should we get involved for the players' sake?

[He doesn't have the memories of the first game of Monster World. But he knows Millennium Item welders play shadow games. He's got to check about whether the other players are in danger or not.]

Edited 2021-05-16 14:50 (UTC)

[He nods.]

Do you suppose Javert is also bisexual? Or is it only men?

We should probably stick to men as candidates, since that's what we know for sure.

Hm. I think he prefers men.... besides I think there aren't enough age appropriate ladies who would be eligible.

[ Lust might be his type? If Javert liked women like that. ]

We just need to find the right kind of man.

[Ryou shakes his head, letting his shoulders drop in what looks like defeat but honestly, he's just accepting the truth of the matter; the Ring-Spirit wouldn't try to do this out of spite at this point. The other Yugi's right, he was probably planning this long before Ryou got here.]

No, I don't think it's like that. If he had that kind of magic, he would have boasted about it.

[It still hurts though. Ryou can't pinpoint exactly why he feels like he should be there. They're both bad for each other, and it's not as if Ryou could DM it at this point.]

I do think that it's true we won't be able to keep from hurting each other. But I don't think he's just going to give up trying to be around me. I can't understand why he bothers when we're just...so opposite. It's hopeless, honestly.

[The shade finally decides he's done being in the kitchen and heads to the living room so he can sit.]

I...should really work on building my own board. Who knows if I'll invite people to play, but it would be a decent distraction from anything bad that tends to happen around here, I think.

[He glances at the other Yugi for a moment, the bit about the stories he didn't know seeming to amuse the shade. In truth, he's a little bit jealous on the inside, but that's no one fault.]

As for things which happened before we met, I can only imagine your adventures. I've heard the stories enough, but it sounds like you'd have needed to be there to really get it.

[The other Yugi does wonder about that, about why their mutual tabletopping acquaintance won't leave Ryou be, now that he's got his own feathery body and is able to act independently. From what the other Yugi understands, that being treated Ryou horribly as an other-self -- doing bad things to his friends, leaving Ryou with no memories of the incident, not working together at all. But, not leaving him alone, trying to help as best he knows how -- that sounds like Ringu, who considered Ryou one of his people.

Is it possible that things changed, at some point? Is it possible that that changed here?

He can't say he'd treat Yugi any differently, if Yugi arrived and told him that in the future, he'd done something terrible, and Yugi hated him. He'd keep trying, trying to help, trying to make sure Yugi would be all right, even if he couldn't do it expertly...

But enough about that.]

There's plenty of space for it in there.

[He tilts his head to indicate the apartment's third room, the one he'd dropped the bingo-coffin into to act as storage and a decoy for any vampire hunters who got any bright ideas.]

I think you should do it. Even if you never play, having a Monster World board's going to be better than not having one. And if working on it makes you feel better, then it's worth it for that reason alone!

[Yugi would never have solved the Millennium Puzzle if he had turned away from little things that made him feel better just because he had bigger problems. In Ryslig, your sanity, not your life, is your most vital resource, so having something to restore it, to re-connect you with your humanity, is eminently practical.]

IC inbox

cw murder ideation

big ol cw for dated Japanese attitudes toward homosexuality and trans issues

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cw: talk of transphobia

cw dysphoria and well meaning but clumsy language about transgender people

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cw; technically a suicide mention + suicidal ideation mention

cw assisted suicide mention

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cw still discussing passive suicide

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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, PLAYER1. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 10.11.0.0.01 * PLAYER1 has joined 10.11.0.0.01 <PLAYER1>** If you're looking for someone you knew as Yugi before June, you've found him! It's Atem, leave a message.