knifemonopoly | IC inbox

so

i know i said ima go fourth priest fer power to protect mine like you went fog priest fer power to protect yours

to keep you in balance so you dont go fog swimmin

but i cant

i aint that mentally strong nuff to resist the shit elias whispered

shoulda noticed when it scaped my mind to warn you bought the tank

shit yo shoulda noticed when i didnt tell josh an neku

but i aint that smart an in the end it hurt too many people an i cant do it no more

i broke it off wid elias. i know he woulda given me priest if i asked wid what i did but no

what he wants is too much an im too scared of what id become even more goin down that path

i know it dont make it all right but its the first step

plug the hole an focus on the floodin

you needed to know. ima be tellin ryou too.

I already knew. Joshua told me.

I don't know what you're like when Elias isn't affecting how you think, do I?

brotha prolly not

i think i joined him the first month i was here

maybe it werent bad then

but everything i done since then been tainted wid him in my brain

i think? fer the most part it was me. josh an neku never said anythin they know me better than i know myself they never went hm somethin weird here

the spa day, birthday tanabata

those were me i think

but anything else anythin that had a decision in power in uh dinameks in anythin like that been wid his hand diggin in

Beat...

I still care about you. I'm not sure anything can change that, at this point. I know you didn't bring us to Felfri on purpose, and that when you were there, the Fourth God had a lot to do with what you were doing.

My anger with you is because you failed to tell me something I'd need to know in Ryslig, something that I'd trusted you to tell me, twice now. And, both times, Ryou got hurt. It's not easy to trick me, even once! I could say, you should be proud...but, you were an easy person to believe the best of.

I can't do that, anymore. I can't trust you to tell me what I need to know to keep us safe! I stand by what I said the other day, that I thought I knew you, but I don't. Not well enough.

I'm giving you a chance, to show me who you are without Elias, but that's all. We're not friends. And, if you only want your friends to hold your pin, then you should take it back. I can't promise it'll see much use with me, and Ryou isn't going to accept it right now.

[We're not friends hurts. It cuts deeper than Beat would have thought it could. He doesn't blame Atem, of course not. But it still wounds. And it makes that Pooka part of him that doesn't like being denied rile up. He quashes that fast, however.]

no

keep it

i made a promise to you that i would always have your back to be there for you

no matter what happens even if were not friends anymore thats not going to change its never going to change

if you ever find yourself needin an extra hand for whatever reason i will always be there for you

i know you cant trust me yo

[Beat can't even trust himself yet.]

not yet at least

but ill show you who i really am widdout elias

yer givin me a chance an im not gonna waste it

Okay. If something happens, and I decide you're out of chances, then I'll return your pin. But, I'll keep it, for now.

[The pin's a symbol now, isn't it? Like the Puzzle had been one for Yugi and Jounouchi...if Atem has the pin, he's not cut all contact with Beat, and there's a chance they'll end up okay again. But, Atem won't blindly believe the best of him, anymore...he won't excuse any more dishonesty. It might have been a mistake, to do it once...at another time, Atem might have felt more personally responsible for Felfri, since he didn't keep as close an eye on Beat as he "should" have, didn't catch this before it went bad. But, Joshua didn't stop it, either....and, if Joshua didn't, what chance did Atem have?]

[It's Mister Oskar that actually delivers it. It doesn't come to Atem's mailbox, although the boy would know that if he wanted to find out which apartment so badly, he could. It's a deliberate amount of distance. A party mediating, someone that no one will hurt bringing it over is a pointed advertisement that it's safe to open.

The A4 envelope has an embossed label, addressed to Atem, c/o Oskar, and is around a quarter of an inch thick. The back is sealed with black wax, stamped with a rampant, heraldic chimera.

Inside, there are two things.

The first is a selection of documents, signing over control of the AT3M artificial heart to Atem, including all rights to the name and control over its manufacture. The contract is already signed in Gabriel's hand, requiring only for Atem to produce it to the manufacturer (with their address listed within the pages) to complete the change to a name of his choosing. The sole caveat is that the device cannot be produced for profit, and any money made from it is to be put back into medical research by the company making the device.

The second is a type written note. It simply reads I went too far. It's the closest to "I'm Sorry" as Gabriel is capable of expressing.

There is nothing more.]

[It's early evening, things are quiet...and Ryou has decided it's a good time for a mug of blood. Anytime's a good time for it, but with the weather starting to cool off, and him being a shade again, it's extra comforting to have what he wants.

Of course, he wouldn't just make some for himself, without including Atem, so he heats a mug of regular hot chocolate, then a mixture with blood for himself.

...Truthfully, it's a bit of a peace offering, given what's been on Ryou's mind. Things he's seen on the network.

Things...he wants to address.

So, with hot chocolate in hand, he makes his way to Atem's room, gently rapping his knuckles against the door. Not too loud, in case Atem's still sleeping.]

Atem? Are you awake...? I've got something to drink...

Edited (i am booboo the fool) 2022-11-08 04:19 (UTC)

[Atem is playing very quietly with a small stringed instrument, a guitar or bass, something he can muffle while still picking out a tune, quiet enough only he can hear.

When Ryou calls out, though, he pushes himself off his pile of blankets and pillows, and two hooves hit the floor with a light thud.]

I'm up!

[The instrument is set aside, and he pads over to the door to open it. Looking from one hot chocolate to the other, he asks--]

What's the occasion...?

[Not a happy one? From how tense Ryou is, something's going on...]

[Ryou waits, relieved to hear the clop of hooves on the floor. Ah, good...he isn't disturbing.

Or, he hopes not...

When Atem opens the door, answers with curiosity, Ryou simply shakes his head.]

I shouldn't need an occasion to have a warm drink with my boyfriend, should I? It's cold outside, so we may as well.

[He smiles, but...Atem's right to read tension off of him. Ryou's not upset, but he is concerned, and that concern manifests at the very tip of his tail. Ryou can't really control the color shift, but he seems to be trying to suppress it. The purple situates itself at the very tip of his tail, like a candle's flame.]

...Truthfully, I did want to do something kind for you. I feel as if I could do better with those kinds of gestures lately. And...maybe it'll give us time to sit down and talk for a while.

[It's not his best segue, but it'll have to do for now.]

[Atem feels a pang of worry, too.

Is Ryou...trying to appease him, again...? It hasnt felt like Ryou's been looking to him to make decisions, and that's good, but he's worried the chocolate is some kind of...

...

...maybe he's overthinking it. Things are good, right now -- Atem has never been stronger, he's made it clear to other monsters that Ryou's off limits for harm, and he'll step in to protect his friends, too, if that's what they want from him. Maybe this is something that's fine, like Ryou wanting to move house.]

Okay. Of course we can sit down, and talk over chocolate!

....

....[He has to ask, though. In case it's him that's the problem, and it's an easy fix. Has Atem not been giving Ryou enough of his time...?]

Do you feel like we haven't been talking enough?

[If Ryou has any inkling of what Atem might be thinking, he doesn't let it show. Instead, he walks in, and holds out the blood-free hot chocolate.]

Mm, I don't think that's the case, really. Not in a way that I feel lonely. Things are as close to normal as they can be in a place like this.

Between us, anyway. But...I was a little worried seeing you take on something new so soon after what you did for me.

[It's far from accusatory. More of an admission that Ryou did keep up with the network recently...and that he'd seen how Atem had reacted to the news about Sonic. Ryou, for his part, feels conflicted about the matter of Sonic, not because he wanted the boy hurt, but because he had said many thoughtless things to people Ryou cared about.

Perhaps it's the pragmatic part of Ryou, but...he feels Sonic getting hurt may have been simple causality.

That, of course, isn't the part he's focusing on for the moment.]

It's not my place to tell you what to do or anything, but I think I'm well within my rights to worry about you taking on another hard task so soon, right?

...

[Atem accepts the chocolate, but his face shows confusion.]

...

Which task are you talking about...?

[He really doesn't know. There was telling Kaito to leave Sparkling alone, threatening Robotic, getting into a bar fight over that girl, and going to look for Sonic, and the thing is, Atem isn't characterizing any of them as "hard tasks," because none of them wound up being hard!

(Just tiring, doing them all. But he has the capacity for it. He can do it. For his friends.)

So, he's, damningly, going to need Ryou to clarify which task he took on is worrying.]

...Sonic.

[The way he says it though, there's something to it. He's even more concerned now, to the point that his tail temporarily flashes purple.]

May I ask...what else you've been up to? If not, then that's alright. I don't need to know, that is your personal business.

[But...he's pushing it a little. There's a point to be gleaned from it if Atem humors him. At any rate, it's not as deferential as Ryou usually is, to be asking these kinds of questions. He's not accepting it and simply siting back to share a drink.

Maybe, he wonders, that's what he should be doing. Perhaps he's worrying for nothing, and pushing at Atem while he's already tired. But...no. He won't give in, yet.]

Oh, that...

[Atem sits down on his bed, the mug of chocolate in his hands.]

...that turned out to be something different. He was in trouble, but not from anyone besides himself...he was having difficulty adjusting to being a robot, again.

[The kind of difficulty that led to him tearing off pieces of himself, so badly it looked like he'd been killed.

But that's not what they're discussing.]

Kaito Momota ate Sparkling Cookie in Felfri. I found Momota, and delivered the message, that he wasn't welcome around Sparkling, or in his bar.

Then, I delivered a different kind of message, to Dr. Robotnik...he'd been careless in his experiments. What happened in Felfri was his fault, too. I made sure he understood that if his work hurt my friends again, he'd have angry monsters to worry about.

And, I've been playing music, with Crash. I made sure Reira was okay, after finding out what happened to Sonic...checked out Triffany's college...and I've found out being a hippopotamus makes you surprisingly popular!

[Aside from the event that may or may not have happened yet...he thinks that's it?

Are these things...are they wrong? He's thought they were good, and felt good about them. He's looking after the people he knows care about him, who could use his help...and taking steps to prevent further needless suffering on rhe peninsula. He has the power to do it, now. No one can hurt him without being hurt back. He has friends who will help him if he asks. He's got an arsenal of monster powers. He's in a good place to exert influence over the world around him...the kind he was too aware of his own weakness before to attempt!]

Edited 2022-11-09 16:14 (UTC)

[Ryou moves to Atem's bed and takes a seat as well. He holds the mug up to his lips and blows, before taking a sip.

He's listening...and trying to decide whether his concerns are truly unfounded. Are they? Or...is Ryou being selfish, to think that Atem shouldn't put himself out for others, after what he'd done for Ryou?

It's...it's not like that, though. Ryou doesn't mind Atem helping other people, and under regular circumstances, would find it laudable. It's only that...Atem sacrificed a lot to hit AM back, and...well.

He lowers the mug, licks his lips nervously and says what he's thinking, finally.]

It seems as though you've been delivering a lot of messages, Atem. And taking care of a lot of people. As I told you that night, the night you came home after what you and the others did...there's little I can do to repay you for what you did on my account.

But I...I have to tell you if I'm worried, and seeing you talk about being ready to make good on your threat when you found out about Sonic made me worry. Just because it wasn't what you thought it was didn't mean that you weren't ready to do something about it.

...I admire you, Atem. I admire your resolve, your ability to protect others, and your commitment to being a stronger and more effective monster when faced with the alternative. I've always admired you, even before we met here, under different circumstances.

[Even before they'd grown close in Ryslig.]

We both have a habit of assuming advice is for other people, you know. I would just as soon tell someone how valuable they are...than to understand my inherent value.

And you...sometimes I wonder if you acknowledge whether you're tired before it's too late...

...

You think I'm going to get so tired...that something bad will happen?

[Atem shakes his head.]

Ryou, if something bad happens, it won't be because I'm tired. It'll be because I didn't act! I have the power, now, to protect my friends -- and the population of Ryslig needs to know it. To know I'll fight anyone who trespasses in my soul -- anyone who acts against my heart.

[He looks down at the chocolate, breathing in the comforting smell.]

That's the only way...the only way to discourage them from hurting the people I care about most. They have to choose it. So, I have to make them understand that not fighting me is what's best for them.

...

[Ryou glances down into his cup, his eyes with their oddly clear pupil and iris shapes visible, but colorless. It's honestly not fair--now his expressions are much easier to read, and he doesn't look satisfied with Atem's answer.]

I know you're right, that discouraging people from harming important people is necessary. And you're very powerful. Strong enough to help yourself and others.

But you're wrong...that if something bad happens, it won't just be because you're tired.

Don't you remember what happened when I was tired, back during the trouble with the pearl?

[Ryou tries not to think about that time too hard. He tries not to remember what it felt like to lose an arm and a foot, and how difficult it had been on him to get by without either. If he hadn't been exhausted, he'd never have fallen in.

Things would be different.]

And do you remember all the times where you didn't have time to rest, or you couldn't sleep anyway, and how it made you feel, and think?

[Ryou isn't going to be cruel, but he's not going to mince words. Which is why he adds:]

...I just don't want your win condition in this place to be co-opting everyone else's.

I -- !

[His eyes widen, leaping right back up to look directly at Ryou -- Atem's taken aback.

Is he -- taking over everyone's win condition, again...? Trying to take care of them, to protect them, to a point where he's infringing on their freedom? He's been trying not to, but...

...

...]

I remember that those times.

...

I could...probably do less. I don't need to...address every problem I see. You're right...I may have fallen back into some old habits, without really realizing.

Because I'm only putting myself out for the people I care about! But...

[He looks back down again.]

That's a lot of people again, these days. Sorry...

...you're right. I'll...try to remember that.

[He's quiet a moment. If his win condition isn't "seeing all of his friends win," then...

...what is it?]

My win condition...it's to live safely with you. To protect our home, from other monsters, and to put it back together, when something from Ryslig hits it that I can't stop. I don't want so many things to take my attention away from that...that I can't fight for it as effectively.

[Ryou raises his mug, then lets it go and allows it to float a few feet away, before he reaches out and places a hand on Atem's shoulder.]

We can't always be there for each other, Atem...but we work well as a team, when we can. Your stage-self knew it...and I know it too.

S-sometimes, things like Felfri happen. Things that we can't control...and that hurt.

[That one word is filled with such emotion that for a moment, it might seem that Ryou's lost his focus. For a moment...he has to recompose himself, to make sure his fingers don't tighten too much, or that his form doesn't go intangible and cause pain.

(i won't i can't not to atem not to anyone who doesn't deserve it no pain for friends or for my love)

But after a long, shuddering breath, he continues.]

Without the interference of the Fourth God...I can be powerful. I can help. This weakness of mine, at that time...I'm sorry for what it cost you, but I didn't give myself to Her just to cower away, so please.

Please...

Let me help you. Don't take it all on by yourself. This situation was different. I was...o-overcome. The only powers I had, they weren't good for saving myself.

[Every part of Ryou screams at him not to talk about that, this is about Atem, it's important to focus on Atem and only Atem--

--but he fights that urge, because while Atem is his most treasured and important person, Ryou made a promise that he wouldn't forget to think of himself. So, he shares his pain, even if it's carefully done.

He tries not to think about if it's wrong. He tries to remember--he'd let others share their pain with him.]

[Atem feels...that he should have controlled it. It shouldn't have happened. He should have been clearer the first time.

But...

...something strikes him as odd, off, about what Ryou's saying.

It doesn't help, that...

(...that he's felt deep down, since Felfri, deep in a place he hasn't looked at, that Ryou won't be okay without him. How would it have gone, if they'd come back from Felfri, and Atem hadn't been there? The way Atem imagines it, it would have been Morgenstern all over again. Fear, cowering, seething rage of shade-instincts Ryou won't do anything about, because he's been too terrorized...he'd have eaten himself alive.

Atem had to act. There was no choice, for him. He had to act, because Ryou wouldn't. And it's only sat right with him, and not come to his conscious mind, because he's felt confident enough in his own powers to be able to handle matters for them both.)]

You -- hang on. What are you saying...? Your powers...you didn't develop shade powers, to get away?

[That's odd. Now that Atem thinks about it, Ryou should have been able to escape that. He should be able to escape AM every time, as long as he's not in a dollhouse dissociative-state, not able to switch from solid to intangible

(A dollhouse where violence was expressly forbidden and punished, but where violence was permitted to happen to Ryou anyway.)]

You put your wounds back on him, didn't you? At least once?

You fought?

[Tell him Ryou fought. Tell him the powers he threw his reputation on a fire to get for Ryou helped. He paid so dearly to get Ryou those abilities, and it was because of those abilities, and his trust in Ryou being able to handle himself without Atem around, that he'd been not so overprotective that he couldn't leave Ryou alone.

What...is Ryou saying...?]

[Ryou's tail twitches nervously. Why is Atem focusing on that? Why would he ask that? Something about it makes Ryou feel uncomfortable, in a way he can't quite put his finger on.

But he won't lie.]

I would if I could have...but my powers, they...they didn't all come over with me. I could share pain, I could traverse shadows, and I had my claws and tail but...that's it. Nothing else.

I couldn't put my wounds on him. A-and I tried to get out, but in there...th-there's no way out.

[He doesn't want to talk about this. Why are they talking about this? Ryou's still not entirely separated from what had happened inside AM, and he might not be, for a while. It's evident in the way he speaks.

...Shouldn't Atem understand?

Ryou can feel his heartbeat quickening, he can hear it in his ears, like drums he can't block out, and there's white fire at the tip of his tail. No, no. He can't...he can't react like this!

He can't!

He can't...

...help it.]

I would have fought if I could, Atem. I didn't have all of my powers.

Do you think I'd just stay if I had a choice...? I...I wouldn't! I don't want to be hurt. That's why I went to E+L, after...

....

The rest of us...

...we had our powers. Our god boon powers. As long as we stayed on the same side, as the god who gave them to us.

[His hands on the cup -- the knuckles start to go white.]

You should have --

[He starts to breathe, in and out, as implications start to hit him.]

-- you should have had them. Why didn't you? What was different, about...

[It feels, to Atem, like rules have been broken. Like in the dollhouse. Something that should have protected Ryou, if Atem wasn't there, failed -- but only for him.]

....

....

[The words he says next come out hollowly.]

It wasn't your fault. It wasn't -- it really wasn't! You were -- put in a position where advantages you should have had, weren't there for you...

[The blood's draining from his face. His thoughts feel like a five-and-counting-car-pileup, like a series of slamming iron doors three feet thick, one impact after the other after the other.

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. The tier 3 powers weren't enough. And priest...that won't be, either. Not if this pattern -- and it is a pattern -- is the truth he's been blind to...!]

It wasn't your fault.

Edited 2022-11-10 04:01 (UTC)

[Ryou's pupils contract, nearly disappearing in the glow as he listens to Atem, sees his reaction to knowing that Ryou hadn't been able to help himself. He'd fucked up...and it wasn't even because of anything he could control.

Why was it him? Why was he the one without his god boons? He might have understood, if others had ended up like him, but Atem is all but confirming that it was only Ryou.

Only Ryou had been set to zero.

He shakes his head, his hair mussing from the violent action. But it's that action that gives him a bit of clarity, helps him focus on Atem, who looks as if he's one step from passing out, somehow.]

Atem...I...

What's wrong?

There's...nothing you did wrong. Nothing I did wrong, s-so...

[Why was he repeating the same thing? It didn't even sound like he believed it...]

No. You didn't do -- anything wrong.

But I --

[His eyes are wide, his cheeks bloodless. His heart races uncontrollably in his chest. His head's filled with cotton, but not so much that it shields him from this new, terrible understanding. Light like a nephilim's is cutting through it, making it so that he can't look away, he can't un-know, that--]

-- I think I did.

I think I've...

...done something useless. Something that's exposed my friends...

...to terrible danger. And, not only that...everything, I --

[The cup in his hands is trembling. There's a very real danger it will fall, if it's left alone. Atem doesn't seem to remember he's holding it.]

Oh, no.

IC inbox

The day after the deed (he needed a day to process and scream), unaware Josh spilled

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

physical mail, forward dated to 11/1 because there's some dude messing with my internet tomorrow

November. November? Yeah November.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw self harm, cookiebalism

no subject

no subject

cw; mentions to past amputation injury

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw; anxiety, ptsd

no subject

no subject

blanket cw for anxiety and panic, we're in it

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, PLAYER1. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 10.11.0.0.01 * PLAYER1 has joined 10.11.0.0.01 <PLAYER1>** If you're looking for someone you knew as Yugi before June, you've found him! It's Atem, leave a message.