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knifemonopoly) wrote2021-02-05 06:28 pm
knifemonopoly) wrote2021-02-05 06:28 pm
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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, PLAYER1. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 10.11.0.0.01 *** PLAYER1 has joined 10.11.0.0.01 <PLAYER1> If you're looking for someone you knew as Yugi before June, you've found him! It's Atem, leave a message. | ||||
no subject
Mm, I don't think that's the case, really. Not in a way that I feel lonely. Things are as close to normal as they can be in a place like this.
Between us, anyway. But...I was a little worried seeing you take on something new so soon after what you did for me.
[It's far from accusatory. More of an admission that Ryou did keep up with the network recently...and that he'd seen how Atem had reacted to the news about Sonic. Ryou, for his part, feels conflicted about the matter of Sonic, not because he wanted the boy hurt, but because he had said many thoughtless things to people Ryou cared about.
Perhaps it's the pragmatic part of Ryou, but...he feels Sonic getting hurt may have been simple causality.
That, of course, isn't the part he's focusing on for the moment.]
It's not my place to tell you what to do or anything, but I think I'm well within my rights to worry about you taking on another hard task so soon, right?
no subject
[Atem accepts the chocolate, but his face shows confusion.]
...
Which task are you talking about...?
[He really doesn't know. There was telling Kaito to leave Sparkling alone, threatening Robotic, getting into a bar fight over that girl, and going to look for Sonic, and the thing is, Atem isn't characterizing any of them as "hard tasks," because none of them wound up being hard!
(Just tiring, doing them all. But he has the capacity for it. He can do it. For his friends.)
So, he's, damningly, going to need Ryou to clarify which task he took on is worrying.]
no subject
[The way he says it though, there's something to it. He's even more concerned now, to the point that his tail temporarily flashes purple.]
May I ask...what else you've been up to? If not, then that's alright. I don't need to know, that is your personal business.
[But...he's pushing it a little. There's a point to be gleaned from it if Atem humors him. At any rate, it's not as deferential as Ryou usually is, to be asking these kinds of questions. He's not accepting it and simply siting back to share a drink.
Maybe, he wonders, that's what he should be doing. Perhaps he's worrying for nothing, and pushing at Atem while he's already tired. But...no. He won't give in, yet.]
cw self harm, cookiebalism
[Atem sits down on his bed, the mug of chocolate in his hands.]
...that turned out to be something different. He was in trouble, but not from anyone besides himself...he was having difficulty adjusting to being a robot, again.
[The kind of difficulty that led to him tearing off pieces of himself, so badly it looked like he'd been killed.
But that's not what they're discussing.]
Kaito Momota ate Sparkling Cookie in Felfri. I found Momota, and delivered the message, that he wasn't welcome around Sparkling, or in his bar.
Then, I delivered a different kind of message, to Dr. Robotnik...he'd been careless in his experiments. What happened in Felfri was his fault, too. I made sure he understood that if his work hurt my friends again, he'd have angry monsters to worry about.
And, I've been playing music, with Crash. I made sure Reira was okay, after finding out what happened to Sonic...checked out Triffany's college...and I've found out being a hippopotamus makes you surprisingly popular!
[Aside from the event that may or may not have happened yet...he thinks that's it?
Are these things...are they wrong? He's thought they were good, and felt good about them. He's looking after the people he knows care about him, who could use his help...and taking steps to prevent further needless suffering on rhe peninsula. He has the power to do it, now. No one can hurt him without being hurt back. He has friends who will help him if he asks. He's got an arsenal of monster powers. He's in a good place to exert influence over the world around him...the kind he was too aware of his own weakness before to attempt!]
no subject
He's listening...and trying to decide whether his concerns are truly unfounded. Are they? Or...is Ryou being selfish, to think that Atem shouldn't put himself out for others, after what he'd done for Ryou?
It's...it's not like that, though. Ryou doesn't mind Atem helping other people, and under regular circumstances, would find it laudable. It's only that...Atem sacrificed a lot to hit AM back, and...well.
He lowers the mug, licks his lips nervously and says what he's thinking, finally.]
It seems as though you've been delivering a lot of messages, Atem. And taking care of a lot of people. As I told you that night, the night you came home after what you and the others did...there's little I can do to repay you for what you did on my account.
But I...I have to tell you if I'm worried, and seeing you talk about being ready to make good on your threat when you found out about Sonic made me worry. Just because it wasn't what you thought it was didn't mean that you weren't ready to do something about it.
...I admire you, Atem. I admire your resolve, your ability to protect others, and your commitment to being a stronger and more effective monster when faced with the alternative. I've always admired you, even before we met here, under different circumstances.
[Even before they'd grown close in Ryslig.]
We both have a habit of assuming advice is for other people, you know. I would just as soon tell someone how valuable they are...than to understand my inherent value.
And you...sometimes I wonder if you acknowledge whether you're tired before it's too late...
no subject
You think I'm going to get so tired...that something bad will happen?
[Atem shakes his head.]
Ryou, if something bad happens, it won't be because I'm tired. It'll be because I didn't act! I have the power, now, to protect my friends -- and the population of Ryslig needs to know it. To know I'll fight anyone who trespasses in my soul -- anyone who acts against my heart.
[He looks down at the chocolate, breathing in the comforting smell.]
That's the only way...the only way to discourage them from hurting the people I care about most. They have to choose it. So, I have to make them understand that not fighting me is what's best for them.
cw; mentions to past amputation injury
[Ryou glances down into his cup, his eyes with their oddly clear pupil and iris shapes visible, but colorless. It's honestly not fair--now his expressions are much easier to read, and he doesn't look satisfied with Atem's answer.]
I know you're right, that discouraging people from harming important people is necessary. And you're very powerful. Strong enough to help yourself and others.
But you're wrong...that if something bad happens, it won't just be because you're tired.
Don't you remember what happened when I was tired, back during the trouble with the pearl?
[Ryou tries not to think about that time too hard. He tries not to remember what it felt like to lose an arm and a foot, and how difficult it had been on him to get by without either. If he hadn't been exhausted, he'd never have fallen in.
Things would be different.]
And do you remember all the times where you didn't have time to rest, or you couldn't sleep anyway, and how it made you feel, and think?
[Ryou isn't going to be cruel, but he's not going to mince words. Which is why he adds:]
...I just don't want your win condition in this place to be co-opting everyone else's.
no subject
[His eyes widen, leaping right back up to look directly at Ryou -- Atem's taken aback.
Is he -- taking over everyone's win condition, again...? Trying to take care of them, to protect them, to a point where he's infringing on their freedom? He's been trying not to, but...
...
...]
I remember that those times.
...
I could...probably do less. I don't need to...address every problem I see. You're right...I may have fallen back into some old habits, without really realizing.
Because I'm only putting myself out for the people I care about! But...
[He looks back down again.]
That's a lot of people again, these days. Sorry...
...you're right. I'll...try to remember that.
[He's quiet a moment. If his win condition isn't "seeing all of his friends win," then...
...what is it?]
My win condition...it's to live safely with you. To protect our home, from other monsters, and to put it back together, when something from Ryslig hits it that I can't stop. I don't want so many things to take my attention away from that...that I can't fight for it as effectively.
no subject
We can't always be there for each other, Atem...but we work well as a team, when we can. Your stage-self knew it...and I know it too.
S-sometimes, things like Felfri happen. Things that we can't control...and that hurt.
[That one word is filled with such emotion that for a moment, it might seem that Ryou's lost his focus. For a moment...he has to recompose himself, to make sure his fingers don't tighten too much, or that his form doesn't go intangible and cause pain.
(i won't i can't not to atem not to anyone who doesn't deserve it no pain for friends or for my love)
But after a long, shuddering breath, he continues.]
Without the interference of the Fourth God...I can be powerful. I can help. This weakness of mine, at that time...I'm sorry for what it cost you, but I didn't give myself to Her just to cower away, so please.
Please...
Let me help you. Don't take it all on by yourself. This situation was different. I was...o-overcome. The only powers I had, they weren't good for saving myself.
[Every part of Ryou screams at him not to talk about that, this is about Atem, it's important to focus on Atem and only Atem--
--but he fights that urge, because while Atem is his most treasured and important person, Ryou made a promise that he wouldn't forget to think of himself. So, he shares his pain, even if it's carefully done.
He tries not to think about if it's wrong. He tries to remember--he'd let others share their pain with him.]
no subject
But...
...something strikes him as odd, off, about what Ryou's saying.
It doesn't help, that...
(...that he's felt deep down, since Felfri, deep in a place he hasn't looked at, that Ryou won't be okay without him. How would it have gone, if they'd come back from Felfri, and Atem hadn't been there? The way Atem imagines it, it would have been Morgenstern all over again. Fear, cowering, seething rage of shade-instincts Ryou won't do anything about, because he's been too terrorized...he'd have eaten himself alive.
Atem had to act. There was no choice, for him. He had to act, because Ryou wouldn't. And it's only sat right with him, and not come to his conscious mind, because he's felt confident enough in his own powers to be able to handle matters for them both.)]
You -- hang on. What are you saying...? Your powers...you didn't develop shade powers, to get away?
[That's odd. Now that Atem thinks about it, Ryou should have been able to escape that. He should be able to escape AM every time, as long as he's not in a dollhouse dissociative-state, not able to switch from solid to intangible
(A dollhouse where violence was expressly forbidden and punished, but where violence was permitted to happen to Ryou anyway.)]
You put your wounds back on him, didn't you? At least once?
You fought?
[Tell him Ryou fought. Tell him the powers he threw his reputation on a fire to get for Ryou helped. He paid so dearly to get Ryou those abilities, and it was because of those abilities, and his trust in Ryou being able to handle himself without Atem around, that he'd been not so overprotective that he couldn't leave Ryou alone.
What...is Ryou saying...?]
cw; anxiety, ptsd
But he won't lie.]
I would if I could have...but my powers, they...they didn't all come over with me. I could share pain, I could traverse shadows, and I had my claws and tail but...that's it. Nothing else.
I couldn't put my wounds on him. A-and I tried to get out, but in there...th-there's no way out.
[He doesn't want to talk about this. Why are they talking about this? Ryou's still not entirely separated from what had happened inside AM, and he might not be, for a while. It's evident in the way he speaks.
...Shouldn't Atem understand?
Ryou can feel his heartbeat quickening, he can hear it in his ears, like drums he can't block out, and there's white fire at the tip of his tail. No, no. He can't...he can't react like this!
He can't!
He can't...
...help it.]
I would have fought if I could, Atem. I didn't have all of my powers.
Do you think I'd just stay if I had a choice...? I...I wouldn't! I don't want to be hurt. That's why I went to E+L, after...
no subject
The rest of us...
...we had our powers. Our god boon powers. As long as we stayed on the same side, as the god who gave them to us.
[His hands on the cup -- the knuckles start to go white.]
You should have --
[He starts to breathe, in and out, as implications start to hit him.]
-- you should have had them. Why didn't you? What was different, about...
[It feels, to Atem, like rules have been broken. Like in the dollhouse. Something that should have protected Ryou, if Atem wasn't there, failed -- but only for him.]
....
....
[The words he says next come out hollowly.]
It wasn't your fault. It wasn't -- it really wasn't! You were -- put in a position where advantages you should have had, weren't there for you...
[The blood's draining from his face. His thoughts feel like a five-and-counting-car-pileup, like a series of slamming iron doors three feet thick, one impact after the other after the other.
Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. The tier 3 powers weren't enough. And priest...that won't be, either. Not if this pattern -- and it is a pattern -- is the truth he's been blind to...!]
It wasn't your fault.
no subject
Why was it him? Why was he the one without his god boons? He might have understood, if others had ended up like him, but Atem is all but confirming that it was only Ryou.
Only Ryou had been set to zero.
He shakes his head, his hair mussing from the violent action. But it's that action that gives him a bit of clarity, helps him focus on Atem, who looks as if he's one step from passing out, somehow.]
Atem...I...
What's wrong?
There's...nothing you did wrong. Nothing I did wrong, s-so...
[Why was he repeating the same thing? It didn't even sound like he believed it...]
blanket cw for anxiety and panic, we're in it
But I --
[His eyes are wide, his cheeks bloodless. His heart races uncontrollably in his chest. His head's filled with cotton, but not so much that it shields him from this new, terrible understanding. Light like a nephilim's is cutting through it, making it so that he can't look away, he can't un-know, that--]
-- I think I did.
I think I've...
...done something useless. Something that's exposed my friends...
...to terrible danger. And, not only that...everything, I --
[The cup in his hands is trembling. There's a very real danger it will fall, if it's left alone. Atem doesn't seem to remember he's holding it.]
Oh, no.
no subject
He's a shade. He can do it. He's this monster. That's his power. That's all it is.]
No, you...you didn't do that, you haven't done anything useless! Everything you've done has mattered, always! Atem, please talk to me, why now? Why would you think that because I was unable to use my powers...s-somehow you've done something bad?
[The white creeps up Ryou's tail, further and further. He's frightened to see Atem react like this. Had he really screwed up by coming in here, trying to find a way to constructively redirect Atem before he overcompensated for others and sacrificed his well-being?]
We know that the game doesn't treat us all the same...and sometimes, we're dealt disadvantages. You take hits, I take hits...but we always work through it, don't we? We just have to put the pieces back together...put them back...before...before we get hit again.
paaaanic, paranoia
Ryou, I...
[His voice turns tight, his throat closing up.]
I can't. I can't do it, anymore. It's gotten too dangerous, it'll hurt our friends, now, not just me, it's -- don't you understand? Don't you understand how much of myself I put -- into -- trying to help you take hits? Trying to -- reduce them -- because if I couldn't be there, I could give you the powers you needed to protect yourself...!
[He's babbling. Ryou might have to take hold of that cup, otherwise it's slipping from nerveless fingers and getting all over the floor. If it does, Atem doesn't notice. He pushes his feet up onto the bed, scooting back, away from Ryou, staring up at him with wild eyes.]
But it won't do any good! They were taken away, like -- like it was nothing, because --
[His posture's turned hunched-up -- his knees are close to his chest, and the arm that's not supporting him is wrapped around his shins. His posture is fearful, and the words spill out of him, disorganized and chaotic.]
-- because whoever's behind Ryslig wants you to hurt! That's the only explanation, for why the rules keep breaking in order for you, just you, to go through pain I leave you alone for! Because I trusted the rules would keep you safe, trusted powers I paid for by making a whole city suffer would be something you could count on here, but even though I trusted that you didn't need me, that you'd be all right if I wasn't protecting you, I have to know you'll be all right, that I don't have to stay for you to be okay --
[He's still shifting back. Recoiling. He doesn't want to be touched, right now. Color's starting to bloom high on his cheeks -- he's on the verge of tears.]
cw; hysteria tbh
This is...really what Atem thinks. This is what he's been holding inside, all this time, no matter what Ryou does. His suffering...it's all part of the game.
It's a game to him.
Rules.
Ryou is just a focal point for the rules to be broken, is what Atem's saying. No, not just that.
Atem is saying something else. Something that, at the end of his frantic tirade, makes Ryou's cup drop like a stone, spilling blood and hot chocolate all over the floor. Atem's cup follows soon after. Ryou sit there, stares at Atem with eyes so wide they're nearly circular, and his tail...it's glowing white, twined with orange.
Even though Atem looks fit to burst into tears...Ryou doesn't reach out. He can tell when he's not wanted.]
...I...I see.
[He says the words calmly, so lightly that Atem can likely barely hear them, but for his unnatural minotaur ears.]
So. It was only your sacrifice, then. Not mine. Nothing I've done, to try and help, to try and be better, and stronger...none of that matters, because I'm at the center of a game that you've decided you can't win.
[Ryou smiles, a painful, twitching rictus that looks just as uncomfortable as it feels.]
It was kind of you to lie, Atem. But you can't have it both ways. You can't tell me it's not my fault, and then blame me, for being me.
[He stands at his full height and whereas he might typically have wrapped his arms around himself, to try and protect himself, or derive some level of comfort...Ryou doesn't do that now. Instead, he leans in, and one hand flattens against the bed. His face warps, overtaken by shadows, turning into a paltry but still aggressive looking clone of his fog form's head.]
I guess if I was a better puppet then maybe you could play your game better. But I'm not a puppet.
And I didn't need you to stay around just to protect me.
I love you. Unconditionally. I gave you my heart, I gave you so much of myself, and did whatever I could to try and take care of you whenever you were hurt. But then, the only moves that mattered were the ones centered around the main player.
You're player one. You've always been player one.
[He leans in closer, uncomfortably so...then the monster fades back, leaving only Ryou's face, teeth gritted so hard that Atem might hear them grind together.]
None of it meant anything to you, did it? Ever since we argued back then, I've done everything I could to correct behaviors that were wrong, and put undue weight on you because I was leaning too hard. I've been changing, I've been relying on other friends, I've been growing into my own power, realizing it for what it is.
And yet here you are, telling me that because I was powerless against torture, because I couldn't defend myself, that my pain is, somehow, proof positive that I can never be trusted, never be helped, and that your efforts were useless, is that right?
[He shakes his head, pulls back, and simply laughs. It builds, into uncontrollable hysterics not unlike someone else Atem might know. Perhaps Ryou Bakura is not entirely different from his spirit after all.]
Hhhah...h-haha...H-HAHAHAHAAAAA!!
Well then, I suppose there's nothing for it, is there? You can't be around such an unfortunate person! S-sorry to waste your time, Atem! Sorry to have wasted it with my feelings, and my love for you, if it was only going to become a disadvantage to you!
[Ryou takes several long steps back, looking the part of an eerie specter despite how solid he truly is right now. His shadow aura is forbidding. It has been almost the entire time he's spoken after Atem's admissions.
He doesn't want to be touched either, and he'll punish any attempts.]
Answer me this. Honestly, if you would.
Was this all a game to you? Us? Has it always been? Is that how you quantify us?
reset to last save, quicktime event! cw, for, content. Self sacrifice talk.
But even though it's clear, it doesn't stop a flash of temper from cutting through Atem's own anxiety, like heat lightning through a cloud bank. When Ryou leans over him, putting a hand on the bed, and changes his face to be a threat --
-- that's when Atem interrupts, glaring back at Ryou's snarling face with an answering snarl, Fog-whispers behind his voice, mist curling up from his nose and mouth.]
Oh, what have you ever given up for my sake, Ryou? You've never made a plan to make me stronger! It's always been my plan, for you, and your plan, for you. It had to be!
[Because Ryou was the one who needed it. Atem was okay with that, for so long, but realizing how doomed Ryou is, it feels like...
It feels so frustratingly pointless.]
I am the one who's worked and sacrificed for us. For you. You've worked to get stronger, you've tried, but...the plan's always mine. The sacrifices are always mine!
And you do need me around, because the powers I get work, and yours get taken away! My advantages stick, and you're never allowed to have them! Except I'll always end up separated from you, and there's nothing I can do to fight the part of this that's not you, that looks like bad luck but is malice!!
It's not your fault you can't hold onto an advantage when it matters most! It was taken away from you! And it's not your fault that I'm the kind of person who sacrifices his lives, his good name, his friends, to try to save you from what you're afraid of! I gave those things willingly...
...but I was so foolish to do it. I was so foolish, to not recognize that it was just --
[Here, the tears threaten again, even as Atem's molars grind.]
-- generating more suffering, for nothing, I --
-- how much I cared about you --
-- was used -- !
[This goddamn place. Atem wants to rip it apart with his bare hands. He wants to roar, scream, tear his clothes, tear up everything, because all of it is meaningless, meaningless, meaningless--!
Hoarsely, and panicky:]
I should have gone in alone. I should have let him hurt me, and just me, until I could use my ability, which works, to turn the tables on him. That way, our friends wouldn't have his attention now, for protection that you can't even count on.
[What a humiliating mistake. Ryslig got him, again...! Through his treasured relationship!]
cw; death, possession, torture, self-sacrifice
He always listens, doesn't he? Whatever Atem has to say, and he always has a lot to say...it's always allowed. Ryou always tries to work around it, to make the logic of it all make sense for Atem.
He speaks in game talk, because that's what Atem understands. That's what he's speaking in now, without ever understanding what Ryou feels, or what he wants to say, because it all has to be couched in a game.
For the King of Games. The one who always has to be at the top of the heap. He has to be better. He wants to be a pharaoh more than he wants to be a friend, even after everything, doesn't he?
Ryou can't let it slide though, what Atem had said. It had struck like a dagger, lancing through his heart, twisting his insides until he's sure he might be sick.]
What have I ever given up for your sake?
[Ryou gives a breathless laugh.]
Everything. I killed you, nearly risked possession to claw a parasite out of you. I gave my ability to feel, to try and take your pain of death.
I gave you my attention, whenever I thought you needed it, tried to help, whenever I could, when you looked as if you might break. And then when you did, my first thought when I woke up in an alleyway after being killed wasn't to get home and recover from post-death sickness. It was to find you, treat you, until you came back from what had been done to you! A terrible thing was done to you! I stood by your side until I could change it, but...I guess because I was scared, that doesn't amount to much, right?
I defended you on the network, during the broadcast. I defended you...when Aether told you that you deserved to be tortured. That didn't matter either, then, because I was defending someone who didn't want to be defended, but wants to rail about it now.
I took care of you last December, when the bugs got into your head, too, if you might recall.
And I supported you...rising in the ranks. I got our friends together to find you when you were blind. I guarded you when you were disadvantaged. I tried to make you happy...
[Ryou can't say any of this without emotion. He's very upset, and very offended to know that his gestures would never amount to anything, because he wasn't playing the game right.
Atem could tell him all he wanted, that he'd respect what Ryou chose, and did...but in the end...]
...I...
[He wants to be strong, to defend himself. He does. But it won't matter.
Atem has always been better at rebuttals. Ryou just stands there, trying his hardest not to cry and failing miserably.
Ryou shakes his head unable to help the pain he feels at Atem's words. It's not the kind that's felt when you're set on fire, or the kind you feel when someone litters your body with slow, agonizing cuts.
It's the kind you feel, when you realize that your lover's decided you're nothing but a spiked wall that he's been punching, over and over, hoping it'll turn into something softer, and never really achieving it.
This is the first time, Ryou thinks, that he's being blamed for something that's not his fault and he actually doesn't want to be.]
...I thought you were different. I thought you saw me...as something besides a cursed boy, a conduit for all bad things who is only meant to suffer.
[He looks at Atem with such hurt when he says that, wand when he adds:]
I love you. But that's not enough anymore is it? It won't ever be. It's all about the game to you, and I'm a high-cost token that you're carrying on your back. If I'm not part of your optimal move, then...th-then...
no subject
If Atem had known sooner that the events always end predictably...he could have told them, "just lock me up."
That death didn't have to happen. Ryou losing his ability to feel didn't have to happen -- which, Atem recalls now, is a phenomenon Lust had never heard of before, another way Ryou was forced to suffer uniquely.
But Ryslig made them suffer.
Defending Atem on the network had been a mistake. It had only thrown Ryou so far into despair that he'd tried to turn himself in to AM, and Atem had had to -- he doesn't want to think about it. It had hurt him, trying to work around Ryou's compulsion to go to the prison. But he'd done it.
Ryou's helped. But Ryou's never thrown his friends to AM's mercy, in a failed move. He's never given up his reputation, for the sake of powers that don't work when they're needed.
But he can't say any of that. Hot tears are welled up, he's going to have to make -- apologies -- he knows it -- ]
It's my fault. I didn't realize how futile trying to make Ryslig easier for you was. Not until I'd given up far, far too much.
[The hit on AM. The broadcast.]
I really haven't done anything but cause pain, have I...?
[He shakes his head. No. No, this has to end. He can't let how much he cares about Ryou...hurt his other friends.]
I can't keep getting people in trouble to help you, anymore. And I can't --
[This isn't the hard part, all of it's the hard part, but tears start to spill, when he gets to it.]
...I can't, Ryou! We're not good for each other, like this. We're not good for the people around us. It's not that it's not optimal, Ryou -- it's destructive! Look at the broadcast -- that was for you! My last life went to trying to protect you from AM, and that got you nowhere! Look at what's going to happen to the people who helped me avenge you, too -- and tell me it's not destructive! The choices I make, when I'm around you, because I can't stand to see you sad and scared and not try -- they're my fault. But I can't make them anymore.
[They won't work. None of them will work.
He really should have figured this out sooner. He should have disengaged, sooner. He's breathing hard, fast, shallow.]
I love you. But I can't...I can't be with you, if you're not okay without me. And I can't trust myself not to do dangerous things, because I think they'll work...because I'm afraid of losing you. I have to be okay with losing you, or -- !
[Or more people will just get hurt.]
I can't help you anymore. I can't. You have to do it yourself.
no subject
[Ryou looks away. If anything's broken his resolve at this point...it's all of that. He doesn't have anything left to fight against.
He reaches into his pocket, withdrawing his Dyster key. He keeps it with him pretty often, after all. Which is for the best, in this case. It couldn't have worked out better for him, could it?]
I want you to think about something for me, while you're here.
[He says this without looking at Atem, going to his bedroom door and closing it so that he can change it, onto a more welcoming place, a place where Ryou can lay in bed and let the Fog wash over him, to soothe his hurt.]
I want you to think about how many of those times I made you do those things. You're blaming them on me--don't lie and say you aren't. You do us both a disservice pretending that you don't really think it's my fault.
[The door clicks shut...and then, another click as he turns his key.]
I'll be moving some things around. If you hear me, pay it no mind. And...Atem?
[He opens the door, steps into Dyster, but before he closes the door, he looks at Atem, and in those glowing eyes of his is actual, painful regret.]
I really am sorry for what you had to do, and what you gave up for me. And I'm sorry that bad things come to me. You're right. I'm cursed.
[The door closes softly after that. True to his word, there might be activity in his room, but Ryou is only there temporarily. If Atem chances a look inside, he'll find that Ryou's possessions have dwindled. The room isn't bare, but it no longer feels warm, personal, or lived in.]
cw hysteria, paranoia
He knows whose fault it is. It's whatever's interested in ensuring Ryou suffers.
It's a force Atem can't fight anymore.
It's a force he's made terrible mistakes while trying to fight.
It's Atem's fault, too, for falling for it. For making those choices.]
It really was...
...all for nothing....
[He feels dizzy. He feels like he's going to be sick. His hands come up to his mouth, as the fog he breathes slips in and out of his fingers, staccato-quick --
-- and, he laughs. Tears, hot and unwanted, run down his face, into his mouth -- but what comes out is a laugh, that has all of the pattern and rhythm of an erupting volcano.]
You got me!
[He shouts at nothing, to the nearly-empty apartment.]
You really got me, this time! H-hahaha -- ha ha ha ha ha -- I fell for it!
I lose!
[And, he's going to sit there on the bed, spiraling out into darkness, until...
...well. Until Tybolt comes in. He sniffs the dried blood-chocolate on the floor, and makes a small mrrow?
It's enough to get Atem up.]
...come on, boy. We've got to find a new place to live.
cw ptsd, flashbacks, anxiety, panic, unreliable memories!
What happened in actuality was, Ryou said:
"I would if I could have...but my powers, they...they didn't work. I couldn't -- I couldn't do it. I t-tried to get out, but in there...th-there's no way out."
And Atem thinks he remembers saying his reasoning aloud, as he desperately tried to make sense of what he understood as I couldn't use my powers, instead of "I couldn't get out." He could swear he said it. But I tried to get out has sent his heart racing out of his chest, set the room swimming like he's seeing it through the heat-haze, is making his back itch, is sending reflected portal-light on warehouse office-walls across the surface of his brain, an echo in his ears of These are silver. Even think about trying to get away from what's coming and I will start using them instead of the surgical steel. -- but his voice didn't work. It didn't obey him as he tried to make sense of it, find the reason, find the rule, find what he did wrong, and he didn't say --
The rest of us -- we had our powers. Our god boon powers. As long as we stayed on the same side, as the god who gave them to us.
The knuckles of his hands just went white silently, as he started to breathe shallow and quick. What did he do wrong? What did he do wrong?
He thought he said, You should have had them. Why didn't you? What was different, about...?
But he didn't find his voice again, not until "It wasn't your fault." And he doesn't notice that they're talking past each other, that he's misunderstood --
He doesn't notice at all.]