knifemonopoly | IC inbox

[His head tilts into the touch. It's really all Atem can do not to let his tongue come out to lick at the fingers -- but the way his mouth works gives away that he wants to.

He nods, just a little, to confirm that yes, the Fog's because of him.

And, Atem understands why not everyone would be grateful...the people who'd died or been hurt, yes, and whose important people had, too...but there are probably a few monsters lucky enough to have avoided damage, for whom, if the Fog didn't come in, might not have experienced changes at all. Those, he's sure, won't be happy.

But Atem doesn't regret his decision. What catches his attention instead is the way Ryou says the Fourth. Atem's mouth presses tight for a moment.]

What did he say to you?

Nothing helpful, I can assure you. He doesn't do that.

[Ryou's thumb continues to move gently across short, soft fur. It could be softer, he supposes. Atem will be healthier the more time goes on, and his fur will look even more radiant than it already does. He just has to go out and have a proper meal. Yeah.]

He said that he didn't know where he sent you, that he'd just put you out. [Like a bad dog.] And he wished me "happy hunting."

[There's more...it sounds like there is. But Ryou feels less than forthcoming. Atem can't see his face, or how his ears lower. He can't tell how much Ryou just wants to curl on the floor and not think of this anymore.

And that's Ryou's fault. For not insisting to be there.]

[No, Atem can't see it. But he can hear the stress in Ryou's tone, practically smell it on him...he knows that isn't all.]

He said something else, didn't he? Something that hurt you.

[He pries, gently, at the emotional wound. Like a physical one, it has to be cleaned and bandaged, or it'll only fester.]

[Ryou's thumb stops where it's at, and his padded fingers settle at the back of Atem's neck. Now it's his turn to suppress a whine, one so quick and quiet and high-pitched that if they weren't both weres, it wouldn't be perceived.]

...We shouldn't talk about this at length. You have been through an ordeal. So don't focus on my problems.

[Shortcomings, rather.]

Though...I owe you my honesty. Always.

[Even if he'd rather not talk about it, ever.

Ryou's tail curls around his feet, tightly, as if he's comforting himself.]

He said...if I was a better friend, then maybe I would have stopped you. And I...I know that's not right. I can't just stop you, I don't want to. I have faith in you, and everything you do, so I won't stand in your way. I'll stand by your side.

It's just...maybe...I should have been closer, to offer you more than just my emotional support. This could have gone differently if there were two of us.

[...oh. Oh, so that's what Elias has to say.]

Ryou...

No, I don't think you could have gone in. I only got in because of my tier-3 ability. And staying by the door I went in didn't do Horatio any good. You were already as close as you could have been.

[He leans in closer, looking for Ryou's face. Can he find Ryou's face with his chin? Can he get his chin on Ryou's forehead? Search-search-search, follow the smell--]

Elias...I suppose he thinks good friends make decisions for each other, without respecting what the other person wants. That it's okay to control someone else, if it's to protect them.

[That's a little bit growly.]

I don't regret trying what I did, even if it got me hurt. And you got my friends to look for me...

[He's gonna find Ryou's head and nuzzle it, if he hasn't yet. He's determined to.]

...that means a lot to me. That you asked, and...they came.

[Even if Atem couldn't find him, Ryou meets him halfway, both to help, and because he wants the closeness. Atem's right, there's very little else he could have done to prevent this...but it still hurts, being told that he was playing it wrong.

Elias always made Ryou feel terrible about his choices, even before he'd made them. It's rather uncanny. At any rate, Ryou firmly nuzzles Atem back, snuffing a little as he does so.]

You have good friends, people who care about you. I'm glad they came too...you're important, and I couldn't bear the thought of not finding you. I tried drawing the eye, to make contact, but...I don't know at all if you saw me, and even if you did, you...wouldn't...

[...

...

Wait.]

...Have you tried to see through it since you got back?

[If Ryou drew the symbol, Atem saw him. It was probably mostly lost in the confusion of new sounds and smells and pain, but it might have clued Atem in that someone knew something was wrong, and was looking for him.

He tilts his head. Atem's not sure he welcomes the change of subject, there's something else he wanted to talk with Ryou about, but Ryou's asked him a direct question, so he'll answer.]

No, I haven't. I can't draw it like this, and nobody else has drawn it since...

[Ryou goes quiet for a moment. He hadn't meant to change the subject, but at the same time, he did want to test it.]

We should...draw it and see if it still lets you see. I could, if you want.

[It's an invitation, but he's not going to do something that Atem doesn't want to. Though...selfishly, if it distracts Atem from trying to fixate on Ryou, then...well, he wouldn't mind it.]

[...he nods.]

It's worth a try!

[Besides, if it means he can see Ryou while they're having this conversation....that's better than trying to guess, blind, from Ryou's voice alone.]

[...That earns Atem a wag and a half, and even a quick lick on the cheek, before Ryou gets to his feet.]

Hold on, I need a piece of paper. It'll be easier for you to adjust if you have something to hold onto.

[And with that, he pads off to his room, where he knows he has plenty of paper, and finds himself a pencil to draw the symbol with. He has no idea what he's about to subject himself to, he just thinks he's doing a good and helpful deed, and his inner wolf likes it!

After about a minute, he's back at Atem's side, setting the piece of paper onto the coffin-table and carefully drawing the symbol out.

...Good. There. Did it work?

He peers right at the paper, his nose twitching slightly as he reflexively sniffs. Yeah, that'll do it. That'll definitely tell him if it's working...]

[The cheek lick is not objected to; Atem sits on the couch, waiting patiently for Ryou to come back, for the symbol to be drawn, for the magic to activate...

There's a white-gold flash of an eye on his forehead, and similar glows from beneath the bandages, in the empty sockets. If Ryou looks up, he'll definitely be able to tell something's happened.]

--heh heh.

I can see up your nose like that, you know.

[Apparently, it did work.]

Edited 2022-05-09 02:34 (UTC)

[Ryou's ears flick down, mostly out of embarrassment, then he turns and looks away, more to focus on Atem's face than his surrogate eye.]

I didn't know you were so interested in it, honestly.

[Just a little sassy...but Ryou's happy this worked. He picks up the paper gingerly...then hands it to Atem.]

There. Now you can look at whatever you like!

[He's happy about it, that he could help. Ryou really does just want this all to be easier for Atem. Then...maybe when he's a little better, and they can go out, they could try Ryou's tier 3 power and try to fix those eyes up. But he's not going to touch on that quite yet--not that he doesn't want to. But he wants to make sure Atem's strong enough first.]

[He takes the paper, folds it, then tucks it into a shirt pocket, the eye facing out. This is the best they can do for now...]

I like being able to look at you.

[Oops. Pain medicine.]

Smelling isn't the same.

[Ryou looks a little taken aback. Oh...oh that's...nice?

Now Atem has a perfectly good view of Ryou's way-too-big tail swishing from side to side at the compliment, and if he wasn't covered in fur, there'd probably be some blushing visible too.]

Ah...h-haha, well. Th-thank you, I...I like that you can see me too, and I'll keep drawing the eye as long as you like.

[Atem being so open about his feelings it is endearing. Very very cute!]

[He reaches out -- oh, the perspective is a little weird, very different from what he's used to, but good enough -- to touch the side of Ryou's face. Atem wants to get his clawed fingers into the fluff at Ryou's jaw, the sides of his face, draw him in closer...

...maybe even touch his ears.

It's all affectionate for now, even if there's something he wants to talk about very soon. Pets and scritches first.]

Edited 2022-05-09 10:51 (UTC)

[Ryou leans into the touch, exhaling softly. For the moment, he and Atem aren't looking exactly eye-to-eye, since he's on the floor and will remain seated there while Atem's on the couch. Recovering boyfriends get the whole couch, those are the rules.

The only reason that matters is because of how Ryou appears when he's looking up at Atem rather than down--much more like a pleased puppy than a contented, proud one. Furthermore, if his ears are touched, he hums happily and closes his eyes while relaxing them.

He's been fairly tired despite the ramped-up Fog, he's still pretty tired...but this contact feels like the best reward he's received for being awake at all.]

Your hands are so warm like this. It's nice.

That's right...I haven't been anything warm-blooded since December, have I...?

[December. Before the Fog. Before things changed, and he and Ryou found themselves on this path...

...he pulls at Ryou's face, gently, with one hand. The other goes back into Ryou's hair, to pull him forward, too.]

Come here.

[Ryou's being invited onto the couch -- or at least, the front half of him, if there isn't space for all of Ryou. Atem's going to pull him into a close hug, carefully and deftly removing the eye from his pocket with a tendril, so it doesn't get blocked by werewolf shoulder and can be held a little bit apart, between Atem's ears, above his head.

They are absolutely still going to talk.]

[Ryou shifts forward, following the tug of Atem's hands and almost immediately nuzzling up under his chin. It takes a little doing, but he does manage to slip both arms around the smaller werewolf.

Yeah...this is good. This is exactly where he wants to be right now.]

Mmm, you haven't been warm since December, but...it's okay. I'll always give you my warmth.

[December was pretty awful near the end, but he liked Atem as a demon. Atem was one of the very few demons Ryou wasn't scared of. And he was very, very warm then too.]

I love you.

[It slips out fondly, and Ryou noses into Atem's short fur a little more insistently. This is right. They belong together. Ryou won't let Atem be hurt by Elias again, not without a fight.]

I love you, too.

[Atem lets out a contented sigh, one unique to this form -- the sound of an animal settling into a comfortable spot.

...it's almost tempting to just stay like this.

Almost. But no -- Atem cares about Ryou too much to let this lie.]

...which is why I wanted to ask. Now that it's been a while...

[His mouth presses shut, and his ears flatten, then go forward. How does he put this?]

...are you happy with the decision we made, to go to tier 3?

[He's going to pet the back of Ryou's head, as he talks.]

It was hard for you...I could tell. It was my idea...I didn't make you follow me, but I wanted to...

[Again, how to put it?]

...if what you wanted was to be strong, I wanted to open the door to that, for you.

But, if this way of being strong isn't what you want...[pet, pet]...that's okay, too.

[And, he remembers what Hinata said. He's got to be completely honest, here:]

The only thing I regret, from all of that...was that it was so painful for you.

[Ryou would have been perfectly happy to stay just like this as well. But that's not what happens. Instead, Atem asks something of Ryou that makes him stiffen, just a little. His ears slick back, and his tail, which had been twitching about in happiness, completely stills.

He doesn't pull away, he just listens and stays where he's at, giving no indication at the moment of how he feels, other than taken aback. Again...Atem is trying to help him cope with his problems. Again, Atem is not prioritizing himself.

It is frustrating...but Ryou's mostly only frustrated with himself.]

Everyone had a part to play in what happened during that time.

[It's said in a voice that's not quite curt, but also isn't completely even either.]

I want to be strong, and that comes with great personal sacrifice. You deal with things much better than I do, but that doesn't mean that I'd walk it back. I made the choice to join the Fog. I made the choice to scare humans, and feed in a manner consistent with the Fog's wishes.

[He pulls back, so that Atem can see his face, if he adjusts his eye a bit.]

I made the choice to do research against the company and kill their CEO. I chose to come with you to see things through, and I chose to devour those men to scare humans. But even so...I still made you feel bad, didn't I? Because of the things I said and did afterwards.

...I'm sorry, Atem. But no. I wouldn't change it. What needs to change is...how I react to things.

[He needs to be harder, less reactive to the city. Colder. He can do it.

(i can't)

He has to do it. Atem can't keep on carrying dead weight, not after what they'd done. Ryou has seen the threats levied against them, and he would not become Atem's exploitable weakness.]

Edited (what missing sentence you're a missing sentence) 2022-05-09 23:46 (UTC)

You only need to change as much as you want to change. I want you to become...who you want to be. And who that is is up to you to decide.

[Ryou's pulled back, but Atem leans his head forward, and presses the side of his muzzle against Ryou's, snuffing just a little in his cheek fur. Ryou doesn't get to be distant, or short, or feel turbulent feelings without being reminded that he's not alone. The words come out a little close to Ryou's ear, then, as he goes on.]

I was scared for you, afterwards, when you were trying to draw attention away from me...

[He leans his face against Ryou's.]

...but I never would have stopped you.

We can't stop each other. This is the path we're on, and what I do is mean tto support you on your journey, just as much as you've chosen to support me. And I don't mean to scare you, Atem...

[There's a but waiting to spring forth, of course, and Ryou nuzzles Atem back before he continues, because he feels as if it might sound less bad if he nuzzles.]

...but if this is how you felt in the first place...then I should have been doing better. I want to scare the humans, not you.

No, no.

[He shakes his head, lightly.]

There's no "should." There's just what is, and what isn't. You should do exactly what you want to do. Even if it frightened me, it was your move to make, not mine.

Don't think about it as "doing better."

[Better. He's tried so hard to do better, and it's worn him thin, worn him out...]

Think about it as finding out who you are. What you're okay with, and what you aren't. Don't make yourself do something you're not okay with....that just leads to regret.

[Take it from him. He pushed himself so hard, in September and October...and for what? What was it all for?]

[Ryou's shoulders drop when Atem tells him he doesn't need to do things he's not okay with. That's so hard, so much harder than simply saying it. Doing it is another thing.]

Sometimes what I have to do doesn't align with what I think is okay. That's just how it is here. If what I wanted always aligned with what I needed, then I wouldn't be with the Fog right now.

But I am, because without Her strength behind these claws, I'd be too weak to protect myself, much less anyone else around me.

...And sometimes, what I really, really want doesn't align with who I think I should be. And when that happens...I want to be something else.

[Not someone else. Something else. He still wants to be "Ryou Bakura", but not as a shade. Not with that burning resentment that eats at him like acid reducing away layers of his skin, slowly but painfully.

Suddenly, Ryou draws in a long, almost painful-sounding breath.]

Listen...t-this isn't what we should be doing. You're supposed to be focused on your recovery. Is this really what you want to talk about right now?

....it is.

[His tongue comes out -- he licks at the side of Ryou's mouth. Why does he think it'll make Ryou feel better, that he does that? Atem has no idea. But he does it.]

There's no winning, here...no way to truly get everything you want. There's only choices.

And I'm with you, no matter what choice you make. You won't be alone. You'll fly yourself, but...I'll be there to catch you.

[Lick, lick.]

And I like you how you are. [Another lick.] All of the ways you are.

[It's not kissing, exactly. It's weird. But he's high. Feels correct.]

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, PLAYER1. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 10.11.0.0.01 * PLAYER1 has joined 10.11.0.0.01 <PLAYER1>** If you're looking for someone you knew as Yugi before June, you've found him! It's Atem, leave a message.

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