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knifemonopoly) wrote2021-02-05 06:28 pm
knifemonopoly) wrote2021-02-05 06:28 pm
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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, PLAYER1. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 10.11.0.0.01 *** PLAYER1 has joined 10.11.0.0.01 <PLAYER1> If you're looking for someone you knew as Yugi before June, you've found him! It's Atem, leave a message. | ||||
no subject
It's certainly big enough for a modestly sized merperson to sleep in.
Which is exactly what Atem is doing. He's curled up on his side, one finned arm pillowing his head against the bottom of the bathtub. His gills wave gently as he breathes, as do his merperson head-fins. Little bubbles come out of his mouth every couple of seconds. Apparently, this was more comfortable than his own bed.]
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He chooses not to disturb Atem, and instead backs out, moving to the kitchen to properly forage. However long it takes Atem to wake up...Ryou doesn't leave this time. Even though he wonders whether he should. Atem looks terribly comfortable where he is, maybe...not having to worry about Ryou so much was better.
Ryou makes himself a cup of duck ramen, then, if he has time after eating, he'll brush out his hair. If Atem takes a while to get his rest in, once he wakes up, he'll probably find Ryou shirtless and preening his feathers. No seriously. It's an involved process, and he usually doesn't need to spend so much time on it, but...being outside and not taking care of himself means that the feather barbs are a disaster. So, he's using some store-bought moisturizing oil and doing his best.
His best means that his headwings, and almost one of his two primary wings are sorted out. Ryou doesn't envy harpies...but he kind of deserves this. It's his fault.]
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There's a light that's moving, not in the way it should if it's going through water...it comes in through his eyelids, and makes them blink open.
For a second, he wonders what time it is.
Then, he realizes the glow's from a nephilim. With a whoosh of displaced water, Atem sits up in the bathtub in time to catch Ryou mid-preen. The waves he made by sitting up so fast splash against the bathtub walls; it's impossible not to hear that he's awake.
(If Ryou shook out one of his feathers, Tybolt's absolutely playing with it.)]
You're back!
[And then, after taking in the state Ryou is in, Atem's face falls.]
...what happened?
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(And Tybolt absolutely has a 2 foot feather to play with, but since Ryou's been flustered, another couple smaller ones drop from his primary wings and flutter downward. Have fun little buddy.)
Ryou straightens a little too fast, and the top of his halo scrapes at the ceiling, which saves him a knock on the head, thankfully...but showers bits of dried texture pattern from the ceiling into his hair, and the sink and ground as well.]
Ah. Y-yes, I'm...I didn't mean to wake you up but...yes. I'm back.
[He notices Atem's expression, and the dirty wing seems to compress itself, to try and hide. Not that it matters, his hair's brushed, but still in need of a wash, and he's very obviously in want of a bath.]
...I. Um. I needed some time to think. There's a lot that happened, and...I just...I flew, and I thought. S-sorry for the short notice, but. It looks like you were sleeping well. So that's good!
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Atem, however, is less thrilled.]
You mean you were just...on your own, all this time?
[How bad is Bavan's pollution, anyway? Ryou's dirty, and that untouched wing is downright disheveled. And, he was out overnight, the light coming in through the little bathroom window is enough to confirm that...]
When you didn't come back last night, I thought you must have been waiting out the night with one of our friends.
[But. The wing's dirty. It looks like Ryou's been out on the streets, or staying in a place like the one he was in before Atem invited him to move in...]
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I wanted you to be able to be alone, too, I guess.
[He doesn't lie...but he also doesn't want to bring up the fact that he'd stayed in an abandoned building when the sun got away from him. Because as he said, he took nothing. That meant no flashlight either.]
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...if you were having a difficult time, do you really think any of our friends would consider it an imposition?
[Damn it. Damn. He'd trusted that Ryou had found someone to stay with, and settled in for the night, without worrying too much -- and it turned out, Ryou had been somewhere uncomfortable, unable to sleep, most likely by himself...!
Because Ryou thinks his own needs don't matter. He doesn't take care of himself. And that's why it's made Atem feel like he has to care for him...!]
You're telling me you really wanted to be wherever it was you ended up? More than in an empty room at the Lucky, or Horatio's new place?
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Look, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking about it...and I lost track of time. Being awake all the time is offputting, and--and--
[No. This is an excuse. He's not doing that.]
When I saw the sun starting to go down, I panicked. I didn't want to be at the 38-8, or the Lucky. Maybe I could have asked Horatio to stay at his Academy building...but I didn't do that. I spent the day out trying to clear my head, and then I found somewhere...private to stay, and think some more.
I'm not hurt or anything...isn't that enough? I wouldn't want you to worry, so I didn't put myself in danger.
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Like where you were, before I invited you to live with me.
[Atem shakes his head.]
No. Not being hurt isn't enough. This isn't something that's happened just once, Ryou, it's a pattern!
[The fins that frame his face flare, agitated.]
It's like your stage-persona said -- you always act like what you need doesn't matter. Not enough to bother anybody else. You don't complain, even though you don't like it -- and because you chose not to take care of yourself, you end up needing more care than you would have if you'd let somebody help you! You turn up with dirty wings, and you make me feel like a fool, for trusting you to take care of your own needs when I'm not there!
[He sure is having this conversation entirely naked in a bathtub. He does not seem to have noticed, or to care.]
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But the more Atem talks...the brighter Ryou's halo glows, and now his headwings are fluffing up. It's unclear what emotion he's feeling, right up until Atem caps his rant off with saying Ryou had made him look like a fool. Then...something snaps in Ryou, and although he's not as forceful, or as loud, he's clearly agitated as well.]
I'm sorry for making you feel that way, but--but this is why I left! Because I knew you were going to bring that all up, and want to talk about it, and because...b-because I knew you'd say something like that! I'm perfectly capable of taking care of my wings, you know, w-without you making a big deal of it!
[Said wings are flaring as best they can in the restricted space, and Ryou's halo keeps getting brighter and brighter.]
Besides...even if I do choose to do things for our better...it's not the right move either, is it? Because when I tell someone that something's a bad idea...I have to face the fact that, even if I empathize with it, it's like I'm holding them back.
Right?
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...because you knew I was going to talk to you, about how you treat yourself like you don't matter?
[Ryou.
Atem hoists himself onto the side of the tub, bringing his water-form flippered feet out and over the side in a big, watery arc. There's a bath mat next to the tub, it's fine, only a bit of water splashes out onto the tile. His feet spread out, he's leaning forward -- this isn't an Atem on the opposite side of a gaming-table, running through strategies in his head for an optimal win. This is an Atem in the middle of a wrestling match, offensive, angry -- (still naked) -- ready to give and take whatever hits he has to.]
If you want to talk about holding me back from revenge, then we can talk about that...but that doesn't have anything to do with the way you disregard yourself, and how anything I try to say or do about it only makes things worse!
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And yet here he is.
Here he is with the truth plainly written out between them, with the memories of their narrators.]
Nothing you do or say makes anything worse, it's just...you just don't understand! Whenever something happens to me, something even worse is happening to someone else!! Like you, and I want to fix those kinds of things, before I can worry about me! Or do you think I should have left you alone while you were suffering in your own mind, and let myself fall to pieces over being murdered? Go on, then, tell me!
[Ryou can't see his own face, but his eyes are starting to glow, the irises swallowed up by golden light as he becomes more defensive.]
I love you, whatever is going on with me can wait! But not you, not when you felt left behind by others...
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And what's worse--
[He can't stand up very well, not like this. His feet are made for swimming, not walking; the bone structure is all wrong for gravity. But he's got one hand on the edge of the bathtub to hold him up, and he's leaning forward, pointing.]
--you fight me when I try! You'll insist you're fine, and that you've got it under control, when you don't, and you're unhappy! Don't you think your unhappiness matters to me? I want to know whatever's going on with you! Maybe it would have been better if you'd fallen apart about being murdered, because then, you'd have let yourself be helped! I'd have known without a Fog event designed to reveal our secrets that what was bothering you was death!
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The least he can do is try and help Atem dry his legs off while they argue, and while Ryou's eyes continue to glow, along with his halo. It's not blinding, but it probably is irritating, especially when Ryou kneels so he can do this better.
Though if, in the end, Atem doesn't want his help drying his legs off, Ryou will stop, but this is just how he is.
Even when he's being told off...he continues the behavior, apparently.]
I don't want you to decide that. I don't want you to have to deal with it! I know...I know that my unhappiness matters to you but I'm trying to keep you from letting me become your weakness! Clearly I'm not doing that right, because I can't do anything right! But that's fine, don't worry, next time I'll be sure to tell you that dying fucked me up, Atem, because I'm not allowed to keep that to myself or anything. I'm not allowed to have a single thought to myself, even after I give so much of myself to you.
I go to parties I don't want to attend because then I can make sure I'm protecting you! I do it because I want to and because I want you to know you're never going to be alone!!
[Ryou's lion tail curls forward and he stops whatever he's doing, his wings going limp behind him.]
I wish you'd never seen what you saw. I wanted you to think I was strong...I didn't want to be faced with the fact that I'm nothing but an albatross around your neck, and that I weaken you by being who I am...!!
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What I don't want to allow is--no, don't do that!
This is exactly what I'm talking about...!
[Atem shoos Ryou away from his frog-fins, pulling them back in closer to the bathtub.]
When you do this, all I can think is that he's ignoring his wing. Is there something else he's ignoring, so that he can worry about me? Your wing is worse than my legs -- they'll go back to land form on their own. But even if that weren't the case, I never know if there's something else! Something you've decided on your own isn't as important. You have to stop putting yourself last, Ryou, or I won't be able to stop worrying about you!
I miss things, when I have to figure out what's wrong on my own. I get it wrong when I have to guess what you need!
What I need, [he says, trying to put this as clearly as he can,] is for you to stop deciding your needs don't matter and calling that "taking care of yourself," and "not being a burden." When I say, "take care of yourself," I mean "be selfish," not "pretend you don't need anything!"
I brought you to parties you didn't want to go to so that you could meet people besides me. People you could depend on, and go to, during times I was too hurt to help you. So that you'd be able to fall apart about being murdered, no matter what was happening to me. I was happy to have you there, but it wasn't...so you could protect me.
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[Something about that doesn't sit right with him. Ryou hears everything else Atem says, and well, some of it, to him, makes sense. It's things he's heard from others, but hasn't taken on board because clearly they can't understand. Obviously they don't get the relationship that Ryou has with Atem.
But hearing Atem say it? It makes his feathers start to puff up, the glow of his eyes and halo becoming close to unbearable.]
Very well. You want me to be selfish, then? Let me tell you why I kept that pain inside.
[He stands, though not at his full height. His halo and horns prevent it in here, even with their high ceilings in other living spaces.]
I won't lie, and say that you aren't right about me needing other people to depend on. You are right. Except no one around me is scared of death, are they? You, Mukuro, Horatio, it's just a part of your lives. You accept it. Mukuro...h-haha.
Mukuro even agreed to kill me if I went out of control and started hurting other monsters again. Without a blink. I'm sure my spirit feels the same, really. So then who was I to tell, that death hurt, in a way I've never felt before?
You?
Of course not. How could I talk to you about how much it terrified me, when the last couple of argument we had, it wasn't important. When you sacrificed your last free life to get away from AM, and then came home to me, explaining it as if it was nothing, it set a precedent. One which was underlined by you reminding me that your deaths have been far more difficult. You woke up in the sea...you die every time you switch back to being a vampire. You've been hurt in ways that are horrifying and terrible, and you don't fall apart because of death, but because of the horrors preceding it.
So now, you tell me which person I could have told that death frightens me, and that I stay inside like a coward because I'm constantly afraid of the other shoe dropping, after I saw so many people hating me. It's not just their opinions, it's their threats.
[Ryou is dangerously close to causing property destruction, but his voice isn't raised. He's actually very quiet as he explains all of this, and tries to keep himself in check. None of what he's saying is because he's a nephilim--he's not that kind of nephilim. And Atem's smart not to lie to him, because Ryou wouldn't be able to bear it. But he's still so, so upset.]
Is that selfish enough for you?
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And what he gets out of it, when Ryou is done, is--]
So, you didn't tell me because you thought I wouldn't understand. As though I could only ever understand things I've felt myself!
But that's wrong!
[He is much, much smaller in stature than Ryou, and on top of that, he's seated. But even so, Atem's back is straight, his shoulders set -- he is sitting on the side of a bathtub, with legs that are wrong for land, and still somehow has the same amount of presence as a nephilim whose halo scrapes the ceiling.]
I understand that you're afraid! People were cruel to you, after the broadcast. They didn't understand why you were saying what you were saying, and didn't care to try to -- so, they were unkind! They frightened you. The anger frightened you!
But, Ryou -- the only person to make an actual threat was a gargoyle named Mariner. Her name is in the graveyard, now. She's not here to make good on it, and even if she were, she didn't pursue any extra powers with the gods -- she'd be under-level for the fight.
She can't hurt you.
And, besides...the number of monsters who did try to understand outnumber them by far. Not even just the ones who agree because they're used to that kind of thing, or follow the Fog too -- there's Cairo, Bruno, Sonic, Mr. Wright, Crash, and Altair -- even Fourth followers, like Beat and Reira, and Triffany! Joshua doesn't hold it against us. The guy who called us terrorists, Dr. Osborn? He understands, too! Dr. McGucket was only mad because he thought I was telling him he was wrong about the way he followed the Fog, and Hinata? He's always been kind about it!
Most monsters aren't like the one that killed you and hurt me. I understand that, now! Many more of them will hear you out and try to understand than hit you back without the full story.
But, even though I don't agree -- I understand that you're frightened! And I've done everything I can think of to help you fight that fear, and supported every choice you've made, because you deserve to have your choices respected!
[His voice rings out through the apartment bathroom. Can their neighbors hear? Atem's not thinking about it.
He's also not thinking about what he says next, or how it's kind of beside the point. They're airing things now, and another worry of Atem's slips out.]
But if I say anything -- anything at all that implies I think something is a bad idea, or that I don't want you to do it...I don't know that you won't give up what you want, for me, and then resent it! In order to not have too much influence over you, I can't tell you the whole truth!
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And in doing so, he understands now, that he's caused much of the issue here. He was still scared of death, he always would be, but if they'd just spoken...
Atem doesn't have to think the same. He just has to feel sympathy. Ryou had denied him that by his omission. And...he's right, there were many more people who were understanding on the network, even if it took them a while to come around. Ryou had seen some that, after speaking to Atem, felt less aggressive about things. Dr. McGucket though, he hadn't known...
It was hard to remember those kinds of things in great detail, when he had been upset himself.
Ryou doesn't respond to what Atem says while he's explaining, but the light is starting to dissipate, his feathers are starting to smooth out...maybe this was what he needed to be told, and even though it's being yelled, it's still getting through, right?
He knows he's stubborn. He thinks he has to resolve to be better, and...he has to mak Atem understand, he will be better.
It almost works--
--but then, seven little words catch in Ryou's brain.
"I can't tell you the whole truth"
The words before don't matter. Something about those words has them replaying in his head, replicating, filling it, Atem's voice screaming in his ears until all he can think about is that Atem lied.
He lied. HE LIED HE LIED HE LIED HE
LIED. LIED. L̴̪͂Į̸̗̺̾̽E̸͔̥̺̊̈́̾Ḍ̵͎͇́́̄L̶̠͈̿͑Ĭ̶͈̯È̴͖̻D̵͍̟͛̈́́L̴̬̆̕͝Ì̴͈̼͋Ė̶͚͚͗D̵͇̊̒͘
The light is back, it's unbearable, Ryou's eyes are nothing but bright voids, gold-white and lifeless, and his halo casts such a brightness that he's sure it's painful
(he hopes it's painful)
while each and every spire locks onto Atem pointing as if in accusation. He'll regret this later, of course. He's not himself right now. So he will regret it. But Atem will regret it now.
The monster inside makes sure of it, pressing in hard with the ability that's made to tear regret out of the heart of others. Maybe it won't bother Atem after all, since now he's being honest, and because hey, it's a crapshoot if it ever works against a monster.
But the Nephilim is going to do it anyway.]
How unfortunate, that you'd do something like that. It's not nice to lie, is it? Don't you feel bad for it?
[It must be offputting, seeing what it's like from the other side. Ryou might wonder that later, when his mind isn't overflowing with the need to make things RIGHT. But for now, he simply hisses venomously--]
ARE YOU SORRY?
1/2
He flinches, because the light, it feels like it had in the arcade, and he can't look, can't look, or he'll be hurt. A finned arm comes up to shield his face, but his eyes are already watering, he's already seeing flares behind his eyelids, afterimages.
The spell does pull out his regrets. Atem has more than a few -- he regrets letting Ryou see the worst of humanity during their hunts, which he suspects is what led to Ryou's general hatred of Ryslig's humans. He regrets picking the fight as a nephilim that led to all of this, that led to Ryou being killed. He regrets not getting revenge himself, so that none of this Fog business had to happen, and the Ring-Spirit wouldn't have taken matters into his own hands. He regrets dehydrating Ryou, the wrong choice, the wrong call, inflicting more pain than was needed. He regrets that Ankhsunatem murdered Ryou's double in such a dishonorable way. He regrets the traps he put on his victims, instead of letting them walk into them on their own -- regrets not going Fog sooner, before inflicting a lot of pointless pain. He regrets attacking Mukuro. He regrets attacking Riley. He regrets not saying something to Ryou sooner, about how he'd liked him, and he regrets not saying anything to Kaiba, and he regrets how he'd hurt Komaeda, and he regrets all
of the humans
he couldn't
save
...
...but he doesn't regret supporting Ryou. He's afraid that he would have, if nothing had been said, here.
Hushed, and hoarse:]
...I'm sorry for so much, Ryou.
2/2
[But, then -- as the spell crests, and Atem's able to think past all of the turbulent feelings, all of the aches of harm done that shouldn't have been, of missed opportunities and bad calls and game overs --]
...did you just use your power on me...?
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He's done what he had to in order to set things straight. It wasn't like he was...a liar too...right?
Right...?
When Atem asks if Ryou had used his powers, he has to think about it. He's still too bright, too righteous, too much not-himself, that he simply says what's true.]
I did what I had to do to make you see.
You needed to know...you...
I...
[There's a flicker. A bit of the light receding, letting in a thought, or two. A realization.
A promise, broken. Ryou had promised...he'd ask, if he ever did something like this...right?]
I didn't...mean--no. No I did. I meant to.
[He can't lie. He can't. Even if he didn't intend to, he ended up meaning it.]
Atem...?
[Ryou takes a few steps back, his halo points dropping weightlessly to the sides of the ring. The light's fading back, slowly. Leaving only regret.]
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I did what I had to...
...
That's some psychological-change bullshit if he's ever heard it.
Atem, now that the light's going back down, dashes the water off his face with the back of a hand, and turns back to face him, fins flared.]
You don't know ANYTHING about what I regret and what I don't!
[A breath. Then, quieter, marginally calmer, talking himself through his own thoughts:]
I knew this monster form would go badly. I know how it affects you, firsthand. But if you're going to use your powers on me like this, for something like hiding my doubts from you --
...
[Awful realization, frustration, dawns on Atem's face. Shit. Son of a bitch. They need to be apart for a while, while Ryou's still a nephilim, but...]
...but I can't tell you to leave, can I? If I do, you'll just stop caring for yourself again! But if you stay, and I go, you'll probably just sit here the whole time...
[And, Ryou's looking for that damned event-inducing amulet, still...shit, shit shit shit, what's the right move here, this timing is really bad....]
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He looks pitiful and sorry for himself, and that's probably so annoying, isn't it?]
...Sorry. For proving you right. Because you're right, about everything. I don't know about all your regrets.
And I don't have enough coins to fix this.
[The light of Ryou's halo is almost nonexistent, the metal bits of his halo dangling lifelessly.]
But...I won't. I won't just stop caring. That's not what anyone wants.
[Including him, but he doesn't articulate it. He's tired of being hungry, of being scared and lonely. It's miserable, and although he can't turn up his social levels all the time, and sometimes he's not hungry because he's upset...he can see where it's caused trouble. Where the lies have poisoned them both, even if they're just by omission.]
I'm not supposed to hurt myself, because it hurts you...but it also hurts me.
[There's a pause, a long enough one that if Atem wanted to yell again, he could.]
D...do you want me to stay away...while I'm like this? I can go. I can figure it out...unless you'd rather go. But someone has to stay.
For Tybolt.
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Ryou does look very sorry indeed. Atem doesn't like it. Even though Ryou was the one who used a regret power on him, as though Atem were an enemy, it still twists his gut to see.
But, if Ryou stays...something worse might happen, couldn't it? Atem didn't know that an admission of a lie of omission would set Ryou off like that. He doesn't know what other buttons Ryou might have.
Then, shouldn't you have him stay with you, close to you, until this is over? Instead of sending him out among other monsters, who might not be so understanding....
That's how Atem would have felt, before. But he can't -- he wants to be alone, the regrets still fresh and raw in his mind, because Ryou trespassed with that power, he had no right, like Atem had had no right...
He wants this. Like when the parasite had been pulled out of his mind, he'd been hurt, and wanted to be alone for a while, to sort things out without another presence to think of.]
We should spend some time apart. It's my turn, to be by myself...
...if you'll take care of yourself while I'm gone, I can go. I'm the one who wants to.
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[Ryou says it quietly, with little inflection. His head is still buzzing, moving between the idea that he'd gone too far, or not gone far enough...but it's starting to settle on horror at his own actions.
Unlike Atem, it seems his nephilim fury isn't a low, constant hum. Instead it's acute, a burst of emotion that, if not stoked by the accelerant that had begun the mess in the first place, dies out and leaves nothing but, well...what Ryou's feeling now.]
I'll prove it to you. S-so if--
[He swallows hard. What an ugly word "if" is, between them. They've been together for a long time...saying "if" hurts.]
--when you come back...you can see. I'll change. I can.
[Maybe not all at once, and he'll fuck up, because that's just how he is. But eventually he'll find the right moves, and settle into them. Moves that aren't subversive and surreptitious towards the one he cares about more than anything.
Quietly, he stands, furling his wings behind him. He's avoiding Atem's gaze as he backs out, hands pulled to his chest. eyes covered by his own bangs.]
I...I know it isn't worth much right now, and I'll need to prove it to you, but...if you come back, and I'm still a nephilim at that time...I won't use my powers on you. I'm telling the truth. I won't. I'm so sorry...
[Once he's clear of the doorway, he moves away, to give Atem his privacy after what was, at least to him personally, a terrible, ugly, nasty event that has him stunned and hurting.]
GOD THE DIVORCE VIBES I'M LAUGHING SO HARD
FOG HELP THESE IDIOTS
OF COURSE I WANT MY KID BUT HE'S BETTER OFF AT HOME WITH YOU
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