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knifemonopoly) wrote2021-02-05 06:28 pm
knifemonopoly) wrote2021-02-05 06:28 pm
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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, PLAYER1. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 10.11.0.0.01 *** PLAYER1 has joined 10.11.0.0.01 <PLAYER1> If you're looking for someone you knew as Yugi before June, you've found him! It's Atem, leave a message. | ||||
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[Ryou feels...relaxed. Not enough to accidentally doze off again, no. The more they talk, the more he wakes up. The more he wakes up, the more the not-so-nice feelings seem to hover close, reminding him what a burden he'd been, all the things he'd said carelessly and...a little further back, amidst the regrets...something a little more painful, pricking at his skin from all sides as he thinks of how many friends Atem has, and how he's not sure if he has those kinds of connections, really.
He won't articulate the source of it if he can help it, he won't even think about it too hard, because none of what had happened last month was Atem's fault. The emotional problems however, and the burden that came with them? That was something Ryou had to own up to.]
Yes, um. Maybe boring is the wrong word. But I don't know that you'd like the other word I have in mind, heh.
[Troublesome]
cw discussing the experience of death/shade-brand emotional self harm
...without him, Atem had made a circle of his own. Yugi had shared all his friends with Atem in Domino, people who had helped him and supported him and lent him strength...now it's his turn to return the favor for Yugi. Atem's glad he can.
But he's not glad Ryou feels so sad about what happened. Now, he thinks, might be a good time to talk, actually. He turns his head to look at Ryou directly.]
We both got hurt in the fight against the parasite. You got hurt helping me. I could never think any kind of bad word about what you went through in the aftermath of that.
...
I don't know if you want to hear this, but when I died, I was at peace. Before you took my pain, it was -- well, you know what I was feeling, better than anyone. But after, it felt like I could go peacefully. I died surrounded by my friends, knowing that you'd won.
[A moment of silence, a darkening of his expression, a furrowing of his brows as he looks away.]
It was an easier death than I deserved. You were all unhappy, and I, the person whose error led to the situation that caused that, got to die without unhappiness...that's not fair.
cw; death discussion
Oh, he remembers what Atem felt. Betrayal, guilt, sadness, grief...it had felt like a vice around Ryou's heart, fit to squeeze until it burst, and then he'd fallen into that pit.
But...there is one thing that gets him to uncurl, just a little, and turn to face Atem with a sort of tired determination in those glowing eyes of his.]
I took your pain because I wanted to. I wouldn't change what I did, alright? And this wasn't your fault, no more than it was the fault of others who had no idea what was going to happen. That's not an error, Atem, that's just how it is here. Control is...it doesn't exist.
You can try to keep hold of your piece on the board, protect and guide it, but you don't have a DM on the other side letting you play fairly. You don't roll for your turn. This place swings a bat at your token and tries to splinter it to bits because it knows that the physical hurt is not permanent. So it happens again and again. And you have to keep taking the pieces and gluing them together, fast enough that you can figure out your next move before the bat swings again.
Your peace in death, Atem, was my subversion of those norms. That was my choice to flip the board. Who cares if it's fair? I wanted...I wanted to help just once, and have it matter, and it did!
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No control...maybe he can't control the hammer-stroke, but he can get better at working around it. And, it's okay if he's not perfect every round, as long as he, importantly, doesn't let it slow him down, because the next one's coming.
He shuts his eyes, adjusts his thinking, nods.]
It did.
Thank you.
[He still remembers, a little, how he'd felt a little lonely in his own body and a little sad, when he saw Ryou holding his hand but couldn't feel it. He has the strangest, strongest urge to take it now -- but doesn't. He wraps his hands around his cup instead, lowering it into his lap.]
I'm still sorry it hurt you through me. All it wanted was to secure you as another host -- it said whatever it thought would work to weaken you. It didn't really mean any of it...it used what I knew about what you were afraid of, and it kept me too far under to do much. But you were right -- no matter what it said, I didn't want it to happen.
[Not to Ryou, not unwillingly, not knowing Ryou's past.]
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Haha, Ryou wasn't...going to bring it up. But now that Atem has, those little pricks against his skin come back, and he feels as if his stomach is twisting itself in knots because he didn't want to address the hydra's words, ever. It isn't because he thinks Atem espoused those beliefs. No, he just saw what he saw, and like a good friend, he kept it inside and never really pushed Ryou that hard on it.
But...the hydra had drawn from Atem's thoughts and, to some degree, his rationale.
Ryou was a very quiet, very lonely person, and only here in Ryslig, with Atem's help, was he able to make friends. But just like back home, those weren't necessarily his friends, with his interests.
Ryou's quiet as he thinks of all this. But eventually, he glances at Atem and he's smiling but that's not a real smile, it's the sad rictus of a person who had no idea what to say here. The smile of someone who was barely stemming the tide of his own feelings.
Oh, he does talk though. He can't stop himself from letting the words spill out, even though he's not even sure what he's trying to accomplish.]
It's not your fault. You've been around me for long enough to pick up a few things about me. You've always been shrewd; it's what makes you so good at games.
[And it is a compliment, absolutely. But the way Ryou's shoulders are shaking...there's something more to it.]
The hydra was right because you were. But after all, I've lived alone for a long time. Before we even met, I had to live alone, because all of my tabletop friends were going into comas and whenever I met you all, the bonds forged were already so strong that trying to loop me in wasn't the same, was it? Or maybe it was, and I just felt that way.
B-but at least...um, you and Yugi are here. You're my friends! And I'm not angry at you for what the hydra said.
[So then...why does it sound like he's still overcompensating?]
I...I'm sorry. That was, um. Haha. It's a little dramatic.
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[Ryou says he's not angry, but he's shaking -- he's not all right with it, he's not forgiven it. Atem thinks. How to fix this....this barely-contained hurt? How...does he help?
He remembers Ryou's anger over his former spirit leaving him out of the tabletop game.
He says he's not angry. But...]
If you need to be angry, I understand.
I wanted to help change those things: I wanted you to have people around you who you could rely on, who could rely on you -- people you liked. As many of them as you wanted to have. But I still knew where you hurt, and because of that, that beast knew how to hurt you.
You can say anything you like, and I won't be mad. Consider this a free pass: for the next minute, anything you want to get out, you can say. I can take it!
[No vengeance, no penalty games, no grudges. He wouldn't do this for just anyone!]
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I'm not...angry at you though. I'm...I'm just.
[He shakes his head, his hair whipping around and lightly rippling as if it had no weight to it. This is the most shade-like that Atem's probably seen him since they'd first met, with his edges blurring and his humanity fading away.]
I'm so sorry...I'm sorry, but I wish...that people didn't see that in me all the time. I just want to keep it in and not have people tell me how lonely and sad I am. I already know it, alright? I get it. I'm just a loser that hangs on the edges of his friend group and has no family to live with because if they aren't dead, then they're too busy running a museum and even if that wasn't the case, all of my bridges were burned at every other school by the spirit stealing my friend's souls and putting them in the miniatures I made for them. I can't move back. I've nothing to move back to.
And now I'm here.
[He can't look at Atem as he says this all, because it's not Atem's fault and he's somehow blaming him.]
Now I'm a monster who preys on people, destroys what they are utterly so they can never exist, even in the afterlife. So the outside matches the inside.
[A loser who no one gets to know, and who can't do anything but cause pain and inconvenience for others.]
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The hard truth is, Atem did ask Ryou to live with him because he thought Ryou needed help. Because he was worried. Ryou wasn't taking care of himself.
But...]
You're more than that.
[This is said quietly.]
If you weren't...then you wouldn't have been able to see past what the hydra said, would you? Your heart wouldn't have been strong enough to fight it.
But you didn't give in. You did the right thing -- you got out, and you found a way to help, at a point when it would do good.
You've been hurt, and until you heal, people may see that and want to help you. But that doesn't make you a loser. It means that people like you enough to care about your happiness -- no matter what you have to do to eat.
[Everyone knows what shades eat. And everyone knows that nothing can be done to help it besides controlling the amount of damage done, which Ryou is doing.]
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Ryou does look at Atem this time, sidelong rather than directly, as he listens to those words and tries to grasp the truth in them. He doesn't believe his friend is feeding him platitudes. Atem always says what he feels is true.
But the idea that Ryou's heart had any strength to it at all was tough to believe these days. Maybe he'd had a strong heart when he'd sacrificed it just to help Yugi and the others in that campaign. But he certainly hadn't shown that strength in Battle City when facing down a god with the pain of his injuries driving him to his knees, the air thin and inhospitable on the blimp that he had no idea how he'd gotten on. And his heart was weighed unfit to enter the Memory World. He was a coward who had utterly repressed how he'd gotten the Ring, and continued to cling to it for some kind of explanation, even when he channeled the darkness that ultimately ended Shadi's life.
What kind of true strength did someone like him have?]
You and Yugi have something in common, you know. This ability to seek a strength within others that they can't see, and show it to them plainly. But I don't see.
If you had the memories I did, maybe you'd feel differently.
And...y-yet you still choose to tell me these things, to convince me that I'm strong and good, and that people care about me.
[The shadowy aura is still swirling about him, but there's more of an ebb at this point than flow. Even if Ryou can't resolve his feelings completely, his trust in Atem is pulling him back, even if just a centimeter from the edge.]
I don't deserve such faith or understanding.
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Are all his friends like this? Do they all feel this way, about things that happened in their lives? A sad smile pulls at his mouth, his brows creasing.]
You're far from the first person I've heard say that they're undeserving, you know. Not even because of what they've had to do here...but because of things that happened before they came to Ryslig.
The memories I'm missing...they show a Ryou Bakura who's hurt, don't they? A Ryou Bakura who didn't have what he needed...who was by himself, doing the best he could, but who couldn't talk to anybody about what he was experiencing, who was kept apart because of the spirit that would take over his mind.
But there's a difference between being hurt, and not being good. People tend to mistake one for the other, since when you're hurting, especially if you're hurting alone...you can't be your best self.
....
[He doesn't usually talk about this, he doesn't like to go back to that time, but...it might help him make his point.]
Did you know that Jounouchi used to bully Yugi?
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Honestly he's...tired from all this. It was what he had feared would happen if he sank into the bad feelings yesterday. He thought it would be better today, once he'd calmed down but it wasn't. Still...
Atem's words don't fall on deaf ears. His matter-of-fact way of putting things, and the sympathy...it's still tugging at Ryou's heart. The shadows recede, almost completely, except for the ones that comprise his semi-solid form. He still looks small though, curled up on the couch as he is.
It's not what's about him that he responds to, because his mind is in such turmoil about it. Instead, he latches onto that last little bit, the part that isn't about him because he's not ready to talk about whether Atem's right or not yet.]
Mm...I know a little about the bullying thing, but since I wasn't there...I can't really say I understand the extent.
[It wasn't his place to ask what had changed between Yugi and Jonouchi's dynamic so drastically anyway. He knew what he was told and didn't pry into a friendship that was not his business.]
cw description of bullying/toxic masculinity/etc
Jounouchi would take the games Yugi'd brought to school and keep them away from him, and tell him he was acting like a girl if he got upset. He even secretly stole part of the Millennium Puzzle! Honda was in on it, too...he'd make Yugi carry his things, buy dirty magazines for him...
In the beginning, they weren't friends at all!
A hall monitor named Ushio found out what was going on, and saw an opportunity. He told Yugi, "From now on, I'll be your bodyguard..." and after school, he beat Jounouchi and Honda so badly that they couldn't stand.
When he showed Yugi, Yugi was horrified...he'd never have wanted anything like that to happen to anyone. He told Ushio a lie, that Honda and Jounouchi weren't his bullies, but his friends....he said that they were just trying to toughen him up, and that he wanted Ushio to stop. But Ushio said that if Yugi wasn't satisfied, he could always hit them some more -- so Yugi put himself between them, and told Ushio to hit him instead.
[Annnnnd then Yugi solved the Millennium Puzzle and the other Yugi robbed the game shop's till to play knife monopoly with Ushio and blasted Ushio's brain with dark magic so that Ushio still hallucinates money in his cell in the hospital. But that's not important right now.]
Did Jounouchi and Honda deserve that kind of faith? Maybe not. But it was because of what Yugi did that Jounouchi gave back the piece of the Millennium Puzzle...it was the first thing he'd done in a long time that he could respect himself for. It was because of that that they became friends...and became the kind of people they were when you met them.
No one's born knowing how to like themselves. You learn it through the people you care for. So, it doesn't matter to me what you used to be like, when you were lonely. What matters is that you're not alone now. Even the spirit that used to force you away from your friends can't do that anymore! You and I are friends, and I do have faith in you.
[He's been serious up until now, but a smile flits across his face as he goes on.]
And I don't trust just anyone! Do you think I'd bet on a card that I thought would lose?
[He winks.]
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Why would he keep the living, breathing avatar of the darkness in his friend group, when it had almost led to the death of Yugi himself, as well as the rest of his friends? Why did he keep letting Ryou stay around, when he wouldn't give up the Ring, and when the Ring kept taking control of him to make terrible things happen? The blood of many a person soaked Ryou's hands, and yet...]
Nnh, but...
[That smile, that wink. Atem knows exactly what he's doing, doesn't he? Or maybe he doesn't know how much his words have an effect on Ryou. He can't possibly know the rush of gratitude and a bit of adoration that causes the shade's gaze to blur, his aura to extinguish.
There's very little in the way of a warning before Ryou uncurls himself and slowly but firmly pulls Atem to him in a fierce hug. He knows that Atem isn't usually so fond of sudden touching but for once, Ryou can't help himself.
His face presses into the small vampire's shoulder briefly, before he speaks.]
Thank you, I...I don't know...what to say. I am so grateful for your friendship and your faith. You'd even have faith in someone like me...
[Oh...oh no, the words are catching in his throat and he's crying, he's so sorry but he can't even stop.]
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He wasn't expecting that. He sees it coming, he doesn't move to stall it, but his eyes still go kind of wide when he's pulled in! Ryou's so careful about people not touching him when he's incorporeal, and Atem's not the touchy sort at all, but...
But, this is happening. He's just got time to put his mug down before he's pulled into a tight hug, he gives a small inhale of surprise, and--wait. Wait, Ryou has blood when he's solid?
--oh, he doesn't like that he noticed that. Atem's going to move his brain away from that fact real fast. It's just a flicker in his attention, before he refocuses on what matters, because Ryou is talking, and -- oh, no, he's crying, why does he keep making his friends cry this week? He's the worst. King of shames. Atem wraps his hands around Ryou's back, hugs him back, because hugging it out is now a tool in his toolbox, right next to double-hitting 10-sided dice and terrible personalized psychic illusions.]
"Someone like you"...? Why, of course I would!
[And, on top of giving Ryou the comfort he needs...Atem is glad Ryou is okay. That his feelings-gears are grinding away again. That what he did for a dying friend, who'd been hurting terribly, didn't...didn't put a crack in his game-piece that couldn't be repaired. Atem's okay now, he's worked through his own worries, but that'd been a very real fear, one of the worst scares he's had since coming here. The point of the game is to keep your sense of who you are, keep your sanity, keep your heart, keep your friends...until you get to the end.
He believes, completely, that there will be an end. But, man...he's gotta get Ryou out of here. Maybe it's time to strike up a conversation with the NPCs, see what they're allowed to tell him.]
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Then he speaks again, although he doesn't release Atem quite yet.]
In the nine months I've been here, I don't think I've ever felt this...secure. Or cared about. I think I owe you more than cake, Atem.
[He finally pulls away, if only to pull his sleeve across his face and wipe away the tears. There's a different flush of gray to his cheeks, but that could just be from crying. Which...he is still doing. But it's not sadness that has him doing so.]
I don't know if I can ever repay you, actually. H-heh. But I can promise that...I'll always try to support you like you support me.
1/2 how it started and how it's going were too different
He stirs, turning his head in to listen, alert again in a moment -- no, Ryou doesn't owe him, that's not how this works...
Ryou pulls back, and Atem figures that's what a shade's face looks like when it's blotchy from crying. He reaches a hand out, to grip Ryou's in a manful, encouraging, teammate kind of way.]
That's all I ask.
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[Like Javert. Like Daniel. Darkly:]
That path ends in La Fortresse.
[That prison is a trap.]
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He has got to get his reactions under control though, so he sniffs a bit, swallows back his tears, and comes back to himself a little. Yeah, okay. He's calmer. And don't think he didn't notice you were starting to maybe doze, bud. He'd address it immediately, but...Atem keeps speaking, and it's not a happy thought he ends on.
Ryou frowns, and his eyes shift from side to side for a moment, anxiously. Atem's right about that; he doesn't want to end up like Javert. But just the thought of Javert somewhat sours his mood because...it always reminds him of their terrible conversation on the network. Which then cuts a sharp pathway to the source of Ryou's reclusion before Atem convinced him into their current living arrangement.]
I would never want to end up there...but even if I killed a hundred humans, I wouldn't. The warden is biased in his justice. The warden's choices made me a true beast.
[His words are cold and dark, but not at Atem. Never at Atem, and in fact, he adds another thought.]
If not for you, I'd still find myself living on the streets and in abandoned homes because a real monster doesn't belong among the population. I imagine that the prison would have been worse, but in the end, if you think about it, Javert would never imprison me for my actions because he thinks they represent who I am. Who we all are.
[La Forteresse is a trap. But it's rife with opinionated wardens. That's why Ryou had never thought to turn himself in once he came back to his senses.]
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He could put together that when he takes Ryou's hand, the gray blotches on Ryou's face get darker.
But instead, Atem puts together that the circus everyone was so furious with Javert about is why Ryou was living in abandoned houses, alone, refusing help.]
I'm glad you feel that way, about the prison.
It's an evil place. Even if you feel the worst you've ever felt, and you think you should be locked away -- never use La Forteresse to do it.
[He's dead serious about that. He clasps Ryou's hand, hard.]
Stay in a hundred abandoned houses first!
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I don't need an empty house. My place is here. R-right?
[He doesn't have to go away, though he fears what would happen if Atem ever did. Their bond had really centered Ryou through a lot of his troubles, and he is thankful that the other had no memories of him at all, so they could begin with a new foundation.
Like Atem said, his memories of Ryou from before--or after, in his case--were irrelevant in the face of their friendship now.]
This is more of a home...than my apartment back home. I'm glad.
[And then he looks up quickly because his eyes are watering again nope. Not gonna cry.]
Sorry, sorry. I'm. I'm not that upset anymore, I promise, it's...because I'm relieved.
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One last squeeze of Ryou's hand, and then Atem lets go. He looks at Ryou with fondness -- he's glad he was able to help here, glad he was able to put a stop to the way Ryou had been punishing himself.
That kind of thing...it's no good to anyone. He sobers, thinking about it, and after a moment of consideration, says:]
You know, now that you have your feelings back -- if you don't want to tell me what happened back then after all, I understand.
[Everyone has secrets locked in their heart, secrets they should only share if they really want to. He'll respect Ryou's privacy, if he chooses to keep it to himself.]
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[Ryou's making a joke, because that joke is better than the reality of what he actually is going to share with Atem. They had been dancing on the edges of this precipice for long enough. Ryou wasn't going to shy from it any longer.
When Atem's hand leaves his, he's...a little sad about it, but the fondness in his friend's eyes is enough to alleviate that rising loneliness. So he leans back onto the couch and tries to gather his thoughts.]
There are only a handful of reasons I never told you before now. One...I know you have some kind of respect for Javert, and it was not my place to convince you otherwise. On this subject, I am opinionated heavily against him.
And also...I was afraid...that if I told you, we wouldn't be friends anymore. Because what I did was unforgivable.
[He still fears the ramifications of describing the situation to Atem.]
I don't think you'd stop being my friend though. [He can only hope.] So we can talk about it.
[If Atem wants.]
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[He crosses his legs, shuts his eyes, and his expression isn't quite a smile, even though it resembles one -- it's too wry and resigned, too sharp.]
I know that what Javert did hurt a lot of people terribly. Just because it didn't happen to me doesn't mean I don't understand those feelings!
[He looks at Ryou, evenly, neutrally.]
If you want to know why I want to help him, I'll tell you -- but you don't have to. I also won't try to change your mind about him, or anyone else's! You have every right to be angry.
And I promise, no matter what happened because of his circus, I won't stop being friends with you.
[He means it. He highly doubts it's worse than some of the things he's heard.]
So, you can tell me.
[Getting it off his chest, stopping it from eating at him, keeping it from being a big terrible secret...Atem thinks it's a good idea.]
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[Ryou takes a deep, long breath, steeling himself. He's much calmer now that he'd been before, and a quick swipe at his eyes dries what's left of his tears. He's going to attempt not to cry again, because it's kind of embarrassing honestly.
Once he's wiped his face, both hands go to his knees, clasping at his pant legs tightly, enough that there's pretty visible wrinkles.
It's not easy.
But he's going to do it.]
Um, so. This all happened in November. I remember looking into a mirror and then there was pain. I don't know how long it went on, only that...after that, I was so hungry.
It was my first Hunger, so I expected it, and I intended to sort out--
[He stops suddenly, and shakes his head.]
No. No lies.
I didn't want to eat a soul. I was going to try and avoid it, and maybe I'd have done a little better, but something about that mirror unlocked an ugly, disgusting part of me. It brought it out of all of us, in different ways. Like...sins. Vices.
I have never, ever felt such a ravenous hunger like that. Nothing would satisfy!
[His clawed fingers dig harder into his knees, he can feel them ready to prick right through his clothing.]
Atem, I...I don't know how many people I killed. It was...beyond me. I was completely gone out of my mind. I just ate and ate and ate and no amount of souls filled that emptiness and I could hear her in my head telling me it was alright, this was what I was supposed to do. I heard her.
Her.
[He doesn't want to elaborate, but he probably doesn't need to. Hell, he didn't need Javert or anyone else to ever elaborate to come to the conclusion that the Fog God was encouraging his behaviors, as if she needed to. Haha. As if he could even stop himself.
He doesn't remember how many people he killed, but he does recall the absolute pleasure he felt, for one hot second, as he snuffed them out. Then it was extinguished and that clawing, bone-deep emptiness that sharpened his monster senses while pressing in like a migraine at the same time. It made him angry that he couldn't sate that void, so he kept doing it.
The thought now sickens him to a brief silence...which gives Atem just enough of a pause in the story to respond, if he wants.]
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What he sees instead is pity, and the kind of horror that comes from sadness for a friend.
What would have happened if Atem had been unlucky enough to be present for this Vice Circus event? What would have been unlocked in him? What principles of his own would he have betrayed? What would he have had to forgive himself for?
It's a mercy he wasn't.
No, there's no blame. Ryou was put into a situation he couldn't control, that he didn't want; the fact that it happened the way it did was not his fault.]
Of course. The Fog.
...
I assume the hunger compulsion ran its course? Or did something break you out of it?
[It's almost a shame Ryou doesn't go on. Atem would understand that. He understands what it's like to feel at your most fulfilled, your most alive, when you give in to your monstrous requirements and feed on whatever it is you need to take to live.]
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cw; self-harm, though unintentional
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cw discussion of mind control and fucky manipulation
cw; manipulation and mind control
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