knifemonopoly | IC inbox

["What are we going to do about this...?"

It's a very good question. They've lain themselves bare to each other, shown faults, and Ryou does have fault, he wants to keep baring them to Atem to prove that he knows, he knows what he's done wrong and that Atem really doesn't have to be the only one who feels sorry.

But...he's trying to express himself better, and not immediately resort to self-deprecation. That kind of behavior...he'd seen how it had exasperated his friends, below their caring. He was a difficult one to assist, and he needs to be less of a burden.

Not the burden he thinks he is. The one he actually is. So...he draws in a breath that seems to swell his whole body

(weird uncomfortable long snake lungs why)

and steels himself to respond.]

...I want you to know...I spoke to the Ring-Spirit and he admitted to me a bit of what happened when...when he went after that man.

It was proof to me that we will constantly struggle to sate the need for our own retribution. I know it must sound hollow, coming from me, but...every time I'm a shade, it's as terrible as being a nephilim. The only reason that I have any impulse control is because I've been a shade for longer than anything else. So I know what it's like to have something wrong and not be able to fix it.

I want to hurt him too. Even without being a shade right now, I wish I could reach into his still living chest and pull his heart out for you. Or set him on fire, like he did to me.

...I want you to be your whole self. So I won't stop you.

[Ryou finally starts to uncoil himself, the furthest section of his body sliding along the floor. Massive belly scales slide across the carpet silently as he makes his way towards where Atem is sitting. One forearm is used to support him upright, while the other clawed hand reaches out and tentatively caresses Atem's furred cheek.]

You don't need to prove to me that you'd avenge me. I know you would. But if you want to do more, to satisfy that need inside...then I support it. I'll help you wherever I can. Because I know what that feels like now.

[If Atem doubts his resolve or sincerity, then all he has to do is look at the little snakes at either side of Ryou's face, which are no longer hiding, and instead look alert. Determined, if a pair of snakes sharing half a braincell could look so.]

And...as for the rest...we've both hurt each other. We've both made mistakes. I forgive you for any missteps you took with me, intended or otherwise, because at the end of the day, you're the one most precious to me. I don't want this to be the end of our understanding one another. So I hope...you can forgive me for putting too much on your shoulders, and for not telling you why. I wanted to be your path of least resistance, not your dead weight, and I'm afraid I've done a lot of harm.

[He glances down for a moment, looking ashamed.]

It's unfair to you, to think that because you don't have the same reaction to death, that you couldn't understand or sympathize with me. You're not cruel or ignorant.

[Now that they're both transitioned from their candy forms, Ryou's thoughts aren't so impure as he looks Atem in the eye and strokes his cheek fondly. He still has things to touch on. But this...it should be a good start for them, or so he hopes.]

[Atem doesn't look surprised, when Ryou talks about the Ring-Spirit, and what happened when he went after that man. He just nods -- we both know.

Inside of Atem, there's a bloodthirsty beast that cries out for revenge, that, for the last six months, has been starved. It purrs, when Ryou talks about wanting to hurt him too, reaching into his chest and pulling his heart out, burning him. They both understand. Ryou's clawed hand brushes over Atem's cheek, and he meets Ryou's eyes, when Ryou says, I want you to be your whole self. I won't stop you.

Maybe one day, who Atem is won't be someone who needs to keep a ledger of harms suffered to harms done. If he becomes a person like that, he'll be that whole self. But Atem's found that he can't force himself into that shape. Not yet. Not because someone else asked him to. He's too angry, too proud, too surrounded by pain -- he'll continue to worm his way into understanding Aunamee, continue to keep an eye on AM and Black Hat, and, as for the other...]

Regarding the man who hurt us...we've waited this long. Now may not be our best chance... [There was a familiar anonymous username, and a familiar name in the graveyard. Two and two makes four.] But if you see an opportunity, one I don't have...then, you should strike, if that's what you want. Remember, you and I have the power to transfer wounds...any harm done to you, you can give back.

[He looks Ryou in the eye, runs a hand over his jaw, down the side of his neck.]

You're strong enough. You can do anything. No one will scar you again unless you permit it.

[Atem leans forward, and brushes his cheek over Ryou's. He can't leave a kiss there, but this is the next best thing.]

As long as I know I don't have to find a way to let it go....I can live with it a while longer.

[But they do need to talk about the rest. They've hurt each other, and made mistakes -- Atem had warned him, hadn't he? When they first started dating. He'd told Ryou he didn't know how to do this, how to be in a relationship, and that he'd make mistakes. Well, he had...and now, they're knitting the torn skin and broken bones back together.]

I forgive you. Of course I do -- it was hard, then, and we felt alone! That attack...it didn't just take your life, and my heart. It took your self-confidence, and it took my home -- my sense of safety, among the friends I'd made, and my confidence that they'd help me if I needed it. We needed each other, then, just to be able to keep going.

But...

[He takes a breath in, then lets it out.]

You're going to need to be able to lean on people besides me, Ryou. I can't be everything to you. I make mistakes -- I say the wrong thing, sometimes, and my feelings get the better of me. I assume things are true, then find out later that they aren't...and, I need to be able to trust that if I left, you wouldn't go back to staying somewhere not fit to live in, without anyone you were close to. You need to be able to take care of yourself -- not by pretending you don't have any needs, and ignoring them until you can't take it anymore, but by knowing what they are, and trying to meet them, instead of leaving it to me. You need a place to live with things you like, and food you like to eat, and projects to work on with your hands -- and to talk to people you trust about the way you feel. Maybe there's others that I don't know about! It's possible for me to miss things. But you do need those, at the very least, and if you don't get them yourself, then I feel like I have to get them for you, and if you lost me, you'd lose everything.

So...can you work on meeting those needs, with people who aren't me?

[Ryou leans into Atem's touch, exhaling softly. He's missed this so much, and...while circumstances could be better, he allows himself this kind of selfish thing. After all, Atem had told him he ought to be just a bit more selfish. This isn't so bad, not after so many days, right?

Thus, the cheek rub is reciprocated, however briefly, before Ryou nods.]

You're right...you, Crash, Altair, Nanami...you're all right. I'm strong enough now. I can stop anything else from harming me, if I try.

...I thought I was enough, before I decided to go with the Fog. That's where I made a mistake, but...I've taken steps. I'm going to try not to be scared anymore.

[He doesn't say "I will not be scared anymore." That's a lie, and nephilim, naga, shade, or whatever, he can't bring himself to lie about his shortcomings. But, when Atem lays it all out, Ryou quietly takes his words in, considers what he's asking.

On the whole...it's not much. He's asking Ryou to function as a person, without him. Just in case that...he leaves.

Ryou finds the prospect terrifying. Atem leaving, either because they're no longer compatible, or because Atem's been pulled back to the Sea of Stars.]

I...I need time to straighten myself out. I know you can't be everything for me. That's right, you...you can't hold all of me up. I have friends, and they're important too. I've ignored them more than I should, in my wish to be comfortable. I leaned on you, because you're so, so important to me that I--

[Without much warning, Ryou shifts his upper body forward, and presses his face against Atem's shoulder. Somehow, he swears he can still smell chocolate in the bristly fur.]

--I missed you. I missed you, Atem, I really, really missed you. Please, don't mistake that for me lying to you, but...I-I still want to be close. I don't need you to carry me, just don't leave me for a little while, let me work this out.

I'm like you, I make mistakes too. All I ask is that you give me a chance to make it right, to show you. I can, I can! I could have--as a nephilim--but I understand you needed to go, you couldn't trust me. Because I didn't inspire faith...I will though. S-somehow.

[He's rambling, as he's wont to do when he's anxious, but Ryou means it when he says he'll make this better. He won't make Atem carry the burden of a person who doesn't want to take care of themselves, who would rather submit wholeheartedly to their lover and never have a single individual thought in his mind.

Ryou doesn't pull away immediately, and instead tilts his head, laying flat against Atem's shoulder and trying to smooth out his nerves. He'll move, if he's told to. But he wants to be here, to feel and smell and take in his boyfriend who he'd missed so terribly.

...There's an odd, hard pressure as his new piercing is pressed against fur and skin. It's slight...but noticeable.]

[That terror of Atem going away...that's what they need to work on. Sadness, sure, missing him, grief, all of that's fine and normal to feel. But fear...fear means Ryou still stands to lose too much if Atem leaves his life.

As much as Atem feels warm, and comforted, knowing there's someone who desperately doesn't want him to go, who'd stand between him and a door destined to open for him and take him to what comes after, instead of sending him through it...he can't indulge those feelings. Not until Ryou's feet are on firmer ground -- not until that fear is because if Atem left, he'd be lost.

He lets Ryou embrace him, and runs a hand -- clawed, leathery, monstrous -- over the back of Ryou's head, through his hair.]

We have good friends.

If Mukuro's right...part of why they didn't help us was that they didn't know. Personally, it seems hard to believe, but...it may have been one of Ryslig's cruel coincidences, keeping them from finding out how bad it was. They didn't see the newspapers...they didn't see that I was hurt, or know you were killed. Or, they assumed we were planning to manage it on our own...and they didn't want to act against whatever we were planning. They misunderstood...I wasn't avoiding the subject because I had it handled. I was avoiding it because it was too painful to discuss.

But...now they know. The ones who are still here...they know we need help, sometimes. I'm going to lean on them, too, and not just you...I trust more people than just you to be there for me if I ask them.

And if we want help, we'll have to ask. We're playing with a handicap -- Ryslig will isolate us, if it can. We can't let it.

[....hey, what's that weird nub on the side of Ryou's head? Is that a naga thing...?]

[Ryou nods absently, his snake body surreptitiously moving forward a little and spilling forward. A bit of it gently settles over Atem's toes as the instinct to wrap and hold makes his body move. He can't though. He won't.

He just wants to be closer...that's all.]

I spoke with Horatio about it once...I didn't understand it then, but I think I get why he did nothing, now.

[Because of what the manticore meant to him. He, like Ryou, was willing to try and stay out of something that wasn't his business, especially if it was someone he'd forged a bond with, somehow. It still stung, but he'd done more than enough to make sure that the both Atem and Ryou felt supported. Ryou can't be angry at him anymore.]

I can depend on him. And on the rest of my friends, like Mukuro...Nanami, Altair...and Beat too. He helped me a lot, while you were gone. I wish I could have done more for him, than just make that cake and give him a small gift...

...It's been so long, Atem.

[It might almost seem like a backslide, like he's fixating on Atem again, because he looks up and he looks so melancholy. One clawed hand comes up, pushing his hair back because the snake on that side is reaching out for Atem, to try and inspect his cheek. Not the time, little guy.]

So long...since I could feel safe around other people. I went to the mall, I went to Beat's party, I had people over...

[He trails off, and although he doesn't smile, his expression slowly falls back into something more neutral and less distressed. Plus, with his hair pushed back, Atem will be able to see what the weird nub really was.

Not the intention, but. You know. Surprise. Free subject change, if he chooses to take it.]

...You know though, you can still lean on me, when you need to. I want to be there for you, even if we have friends who can help too. You're most important to me, after all.

[Horatio...

...Atem can't be angry, either. It had been a mistake, Atem feels, for Horatio to say nothing about the impending attack -- but Horatio hasn't made any mistakes in how he's handled Atem and Ryou in the aftermath. He's been one of their friends they could count on most, and Atem loves him like a brother.

He's long been forgiven.

There is a moment of alarm, tamped down before it makes it to Atem's face, when Ryou sounds like he's about to backslide -- but, Ryou finishes, and the subtle lines of Atem's shoulders and wings relax.]

I can be the most important piece of your puzzle without being the only one. And, if I'm taken out...if there are enough other, strong ones, then it'll hold together, even without me. That's a kind of strength I want, for you. It's what I want for myself, too...since you're also my most treasured person.

[...

...

...

He notices the change. An eyebrow goes up!]

...did you pierce your ears...?

[Sometimes, Ryou finds that the game metaphors can get a little tiring. Yeah, he makes them too, but look at who he lives with. Other times, like now...the game metaphors make him feel better. Atem has a way of putting things that really just works.

All of their friends...they are close-knit like a puzzle, aren't they? It's nice. He wants to stay like that forever, while still being able to consider Atem the most precious.

...Then Atem notices his piercing. Ryou hadn't really thought about how he'd exposed it, so he suddenly drops his hand and averts his gaze before laughing awkwardly.]

H-hahaha...y-yes. I wanted something different, so I went to look at that place in the mall that does this kind of thing. Beat found me...told me that place was no good, and we went somewhere else to get it done.

[...Listen, he was having a crisis here, changing things up helped him.]

Does it look okay?

[Asks the dumbass who just let it get covered back up.]

[His head leans forward, and his bat-snout sticks itself into Ryou's hair, snuffling at Ryou's ear.

He can't help it.

The little skulls are cute.

He wants to stick his face in it.]

It looks great! You picked it yourself...?

[Still nuzzling.]

[Ryou tilts his head to the side and chuckles a little. He doesn't mind the nuzzling at all, even when it musses his hair. The snake on the correct side excitedly flicks its tongue at Atem, then pushes up against his jaw. Yay! Good!

It's nice. It's very nice...to the point he almost forgets to answer Atem, but he catches himself.]

Mm, yeah. I picked it...I know, it's exactly what you'd expect from me, right? Skulls...

But maybe I can do something else eventually. Nothing major...not like Beat's tongue piercing. That looks like it hurt.

[And Ryou's not fond of excessive pain, so...]

If you want to do it, you should do it.

[snuff snuff! smells like boyfriend. also candy....but also boyfriend.]

It's your body...so, decorate it however you like!

Personally, I think this has made your ears look even cuter...but really, you don't have to worry about my opinion being unfavorable. You shouldn't even think about it!

[He pulls back, looks Ryou in the eyes. The main eyes, not the snakes' eyes.]

Because...as long as you're true to yourself, every change you make to your appearance will only make you look more like you. I like who you are...so, I'll like what you do!

[It's very kind of Atem to offer him support like this. It makes him feel warm and happy but...there is something about it that he feels he has to clarify...juts so it doesn't get too weird.

When Atem pulls back, Ryou takes the opportunity to settle himself more comfortably on his lap, arms crossed across his bat legs, looking up at him with no small amount of fondness.]

I'm glad that you feel that way, but...you know, sometimes I might still want your personal opinion. There's a good time and a bad time for it, but if I ask....you can feel comfortable knowing I value your words, I hope.

Such as...if I were to ask you what kind of piercing you'd like to see on me. I wouldn't be asking because I wanted you to tell me what to do, but because I like it when we agree.

[He pauses, then sighs, his head bowing forward and his snakes hiding back in his hair.]

It sounds bad...doesn't it? No matter what way I say it...I just don't want you to treat me as if all my decisions are perfect. They aren't, clearly.

[Atem tilts his head. There's a point in there, about Atem not pretending all of Ryou's decisions are perfect.]

It's different, when it's your body...it doesn't feel right, to tell you what I'd like to see on it, without you suggesting it first. I want you to look at any piercings you get and think about how you chose them because you like how you look with them -- not think about me, and what you'd do for me. And I want to see your ideas.

...

But, as long as you know it's just my opinion, and not the determining factor in whether you should or shouldn't do it...I can tell you whether I'd like one of your ideas or not. After all, just because I like something doesn't mean it's what would look best to everyone! If it makes you feel confident, then that confidence will make it look good -- no matter what it is.

[Ryou listens, and as he does, his head slowly raises back up. He looks at Atem with that same immeasurable fondness as before and he wishes so very much that the fog was done with, so that he could kiss his boyfriend properly.

Maybe it's not a proper move, but Ryou kisses his snout anyway.]

I'm glad you came back. I'm glad we can talk like this again. I never realized how much of myself I gave up to you...and I don't want to be too selfish, but...you're right. I ought to make that kind of decision on my own.

...Maybe I'll get a navel piercing. O-or one higher up on the ear.

[He adds the last part so that what he said prior doesn't feel so heavy. He's tired of things feeling so heavy...they already took time away from each other and that had been hard for Ryou.

Why not talk about piercings?

Though...there probably is something else he should bring up soon. Something important that Atem should know about.]

[Why not talk about piercings? They've made up, and they're not out of the woods yet, but they're both going to try to do better, so...what else is there to talk about?

(Ha, ha.)]

I like the idea of both of those.

[He returns the smooch with a press of his nose and a small lick to the side of Ryou's face.]

[The snakes adore the attention. They are coming back out and demanding more, because Ryou really, really wants all the attention too!

The difference is, he doesn't share a single braincell with the snair, so he can make it conversational while they rub all over Atem's jaw. If they seem bothersome, he'll sweep them back, but for now they're given free rein.]

You know, back home...I'd never have done this kind of thing. I was more straight-laced. But I wonder if the girls would have eased back if I had something visible, like a nose piercing. Then again...I'm sure that it would have been a problem at school.

[Why give Karita something else to possibly pull at? Not that he thinks the guy would, he'd given Ryou a fairly wide berth after his, uh. Out-of-body experience.]

Maybe a piece of obnoxious jewelry I didn't hide under my shirt would have done it, h-hahaha...ha...

[Jewelry.

Hm...is this really the time? SHould he just...clear the air on this now? They were talking about opinions and such, and Atem had already said that he will try trusting Ryou within reason.

(is this within reason? no)

Still, it makes him nervous. The snakes suddenly nip at each other, fighting as if to lay blame on each other for ruining the mood. Hey. HEEEEY! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!]

So...speaking of jewelry. Um. I have to tell you something...about those days I was away from home. It wasn't the right time then, since we were arguing and then we split up, but...it's important.

[....Atem pauses, drawing back.

Up until Ryou's laughter grows awkward and starts to fade, he's been content to let the snakes do as they like, sweet little buddies, good friends -- but, he senses something's uncomfortable right away.

So, he draws back, and he looks at Ryou, his eyes searching. Jewelry. Is this what he thinks it is, or something else...?]

...go on. I'm listening!

[Ryou holds Atem's gaze for a moment, but averts it soon after. He doesn't want Atem to think he was hiding it--he wasn't! But they truly had argued before it could even come up.

So...better now than any other time, right?

Ryou swats at his snakes gently, wincing at the weird sensation that he gets from doing so--after all, they're part of him--and then finally admits what he'd done.]

While I was away from home, I...well, when I didn't need to be indoors, I spent time searching for the artifact I've been researching. And...uh, I found it.

...I have it here, but I haven't used it. I haven't even tested it, because I was afraid it might cause harm to me, since I was a nephilim, and I believe it may have been made with shades in mind. It didn't seem to be worth the gamble in that form, at least that's...what I thought.

Edited (tense fail lol) 2022-08-12 04:33 (UTC)

["I found it."

Atem's stomach sinks. His ears press tight to his head.

So...Ryou has it. It's a question of if, now -- if Ryou chooses to try to use it.]

....I see.

Do you...want me to tell you how I feel about it?

[Because...Atem will. He'll tell Ryou honestly. He won't try to control what Ryou does, but at this point, he's confident enough that he can share his opinion in a way that isn't trying to make Ryou do what Atem thinks is best to ask.]

[Ryou looks thoughtfully at Atem's chest, because although he's comfortably leaning on Atem's lap...he saw the immediate negative body language and couldn't bear to keep looking at him face to face.

It's hard, knowing that he's disappointed Atem. Every instinct Ryou has that isn't naga-coded is screaming at him to do what Atem thinks is right, to make him happy, not upset...

But that's not right. This kind of thing is why they'd fought. He's not going to go down that path. Still, though...]

Yes. I do.

[Honest...but he still can't look Atem in the eye. This isn't going to be an easy transition for him. He's not trying to be cruel or distant about it, but there has to be a degree of separation for him to commit.]

[...he takes a deep breath, calming and steadying.

Okay. Here goes.]

I think what you've found is the same kind of thing as Riley's cursed necklace, that caused trouble back in October. Did you run into her, while she had it on...? It wasn't good. But it was what made us all sing our feelings, and burst into flames, and try to be what we thought other people expected of us...

...until she died. Celeste killed her, so that Riley wouldn't suffer anymore...and then went out and killed more people, because she felt like she deserved to be punished.

Jewelry with a magic native to this place...magic that doesn't come from Mana...I don't trust it! I'm afraid that if you use this thing, it'll hurt you, and a lot of other monsters.

That said...

[He pauses here. He has to admit it, doesn't he?]

...I could be wrong. I dried your body out because I was afraid you would come back somewhere you didn't feel safe, or far away like I did, so I made the wrong call, and hurt you more.

I'm wrong, sometimes. I could be wrong about this. There's no way to know for sure, until it happens.

So...no matter what, I'll respect your decision. Whether you use it, or don't -- whether it works, or it doesn't...I'll be there, to help in whatever way you want.

[Ryou is quiet for a long few seconds after that. He can't make Atem feel better about this, he's quite certain of that. Not even if he gives all of his own thoughts. But...he's going to anyway.]

I never saw Riley during that time. I didn't realize how bad it was for her...

[He looks up at Atem at last, and there's an apologetic look on his face.]

I don't think you're wrong, Atem. About what might happen. You're probably right that, should I walk this path...it might hurt other monsters, and myself. I appreciate that you'll support me, and that you're willing to admit that you could be wrong. But you probably aren't.

...Even if it's not me, it'll be someone else causing trouble. That's just the nature of this place. I'll have to live with whatever comes out of this, just like anyone else who makes a mistake here. But I can't go on as I am, taking advantage of what coins may manifest for me to pay out to Mana and continue delaying the inevitable a handful at a time.

[The apologetic look...it's fading for something harder. Something more determined.]

I'm going to do this. I'll do it because I can't keep wasting coins on temporary changes to avoid what my monster type is. I'm still going to test out other monster types, because at the end of all this...I'll change mine permanently. It takes a lot of coins to ask that of Mana, but if I can use the jewel, I can buy enough time to earn those coins. Or if the jewel works better than I thought...maybe I can be happy as a shade.

[He pauses, looks Atem in the eye and beyond that determination is unending fondness.]

You like me as a shade...don't you? And my power set revolves around my monster type. S-so...if I can make it work then I'd like to.

But...if it doesn't...I know that Mukuro will do what needs to be done. She'll kill me. She told me that if I ever caused monsters trouble, she would. Because I won't make you kill me again. Not even a mercy kill. That's not fair to you. All I can ever ask of you is if you would help me stand up again. If it goes bad, then...I'm afraid I'll need help, for a little while, until...

[He trails off, because he doesn't know how to even say it. If this fails, he knows he'll be too weak of heart to survive on his own for at least a little while, even after all this. Plus, others might come after him if he hurts them in service of helping himself. He wouldn't blame them.]

...Until it all settles. But if it causes you trouble, I can...go another way. I can.

[Atem's ears are pressed close to his head. His body language, his expression, all of it is stressed; he doesn't like this, not at all, and it doesn't strike him as the best move...

...but, it's Ryou's move. It's how Ryou is choosing to address his problems, how Ryou is choosing to play...it's important that Atem respects that. When he tried to make Ryou play like Atem would, it went badly...so, maybe this will be, if not better, at least not worse.]

I won't stop you. And, if it goes bad, I'll help you. It might cause trouble for me, but that's because I care what happens to you -- that's no reason not to do it. What I needed, this spring, caused trouble for you, so...

Whatever happens, you can count on me.

[The idea of Mukuro killing Ryou because Ryou's become too much of a danger to leave alive makes Atem feel truly miserable. He'd almost rather do it himself, he doesn't mind a mercy kill -- but, it would be more upsetting for Ryou to be killed by Atem than Mukuro, wouldn't it?

...

Wait. He should talk about that, instead of assuming he knows best for Ryou.]

You should know...that I'd be willing to kill you, if you needed a gentle death. If you prefer Mukuro, because the memories of the times Ankhsunatem killed you are already too painful, then I understand...but, you don't have to avoid asking me out of kindness.

[Ryou hates to see Atem look this way. He wants to make it better, to tell Atem that he won't do it, he won't make a choice that Atem doesn't approve of.

He almost does...but then he remembers what that had lead to. Loneliness, upset, strife. He' snot going to make things worse by being untrue to himself. Atem wanted him to be selfish...and so he will be.

It's not to be cruel. It's...to be who he is, isn't it? To let himself make a decision that isn't rooted in the wishes of another.

Ryou can be himself.

Even if "himself" is not perfect. Atem is telling him so, by saying that he'll support Ryou. Right?

But still, it hurts. Ryou pushes himself further up, until he's functionally slithered up into Atem's lap a little. Obviously most of his tail is still on the floor, but he wants to be close, to wrap his arms around Atem's shoulders.]

All I can ever ask for is what you're offering me. I know it might sound silly but...I'm humbled by your support. I know it can't be easy, but it means a lot...it does.

[He pauses, trying not to frown too hard at the next part.]

And...It's not the memories. I know that you'd make it painless, just like she did. Not...for the other me, but for the real me. I trust you to do it...but I love you, and I don't want to die at your hand. Not you. Not again...if I can help it.

I don't want to die at all, it still scares me. The only time it never did was when I sacrificed myself for Yugi and the others...and you. Back when we all first met. I know that's not a memory you and I share, but...then and only then, did I offer my soul, to protect all of yours.

[Ryou draws in a breath that feels like it stings him from the inside out. He doesn't want to get into this too deeply. Clearly he's unsettled by the topic.]

L-listen, um. We should...compromise on it. If Mukuro isn't there, then...y-you can do what you need to. But...if you can respect this choice, I would feel better. It's as much a kindness for me as you.

Of course I can respect it!

[Clawed hands, dry and dead, take hold of Ryou's shoulders.]

Ryou, all you had to say was, "I don't want to!"

If you were asking me not to be the one to kill you for my sake, then I wanted you to understand how I felt...but what matters about your final wishes is what you want, not me. If you don't want it to be me, then that's that: we don't have to compromise! But, if you change your mind -- and you can change your mind -- you can ask me for it. But only if it becomes what you want.

[He's just....not going to dig into the self sacrifice Ryou remembers but he doesn't right now.

It's not like he can talk, given his own past.]

[Ryou looks at Atem incredulously. It's really just that easy, huh?

He'd...really been making it so much more complicated than it had to be, assuming that Atem wouldn't approve, and therefore that things like this weren't feasible. It's not equally cut between his deferential personality and their disagreement before this point, but they both contributed to this.

Either way, he leans in and presses another chaste kiss to the side of Atem's bat snout, before pressing his face into Atem's shoulder. His next words are mumbled, but audible]

I'm sorry for the way I treated you. It was shameful and you didn't deserve it and--you're so kind to me...even after we argue...

[All this because he doesn't have to explain "I don't want to." It's unbelievable how much of a whiny guy he's being--

--or maybe it isn't, given that he's been without his most cherished person for two weeks. Either way...]

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, PLAYER1. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 10.11.0.0.01 * PLAYER1 has joined 10.11.0.0.01 <PLAYER1>** If you're looking for someone you knew as Yugi before June, you've found him! It's Atem, leave a message.

cw; descriptions of intended harm, immolation

cw.....intentions of harm

cw; codependent behaviors, but he's trying!

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i'm sorry but he is absolutely whinetalking in this tag. sad boy.