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WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, PLAYER1. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 10.11.0.0.01 * PLAYER1 has joined 10.11.0.0.01 <PLAYER1>** If you're looking for someone you knew as Yugi before June, you've found him! It's Atem, leave a message.

Main handle: < Player1 > Anon: < turtleluck >, < actuallydied >, < burner >

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[Ryou knows they're fighting. The pink juice is wearing off, but the light airy feeling of being intoxicated is lingering, made worse by his natural inhibition drop during the Fog. He'll probably still feel at least a bit of it for even longer than Atem might, but all of the food he's eaten is helping with the sobering up.

All this to say, he is still drunk, still needy, and maybe a little bit selfish as he pulls a no-longer-gummy hand away from Atem's back, bringing it forward to cup one of Atem's hands and bring it to his chest.]

...I want you to touch me, so badly. It's been lonely without you here, even if we parted on bad terms. I didn't expect you to be gone for so long.

[Ryou's body is almost completely normal now, though there's still candy-red fighting to remain, all around his eyes, from forehead to nose tip, but Atem can probably see white and grayish scales below that dividing line between candy and real.

That's why there's a drop in Ryou's stomach, as he says this. Drunk or not...he feels distraught, thinking about their separation. Candy affection can only take him so far.]

I love you. So, so much...and I know what I did was terrible, painful, and uncalled for. I subjected you to something awful when I wasn't in control, even for a second, and I caused you harm.

But...I thought that we were closer than this. Closer than...needing to stay apart for two weeks.

[He has more to say, but that's enough for now. He's not going to scream at Atem if he can help it. They screamed at each other enough that night.]

[...yeah, all right, that gets Atem cooling off. Ryou's right. There's too much between them for this to be a good idea. His clawed hand, no longer candy, spreads out over Ryou's chest -- he wants this so badly -- then retreats. He shifts back, away, so they're not touching anymore.]

We were closer than that. I wanted to come back...to say that it was all okay, and go back to the way we were.

[His cherry-red eyes look away.]

But...also, I didn't. Because we were close, Ryou, too close -- and my doubts about that are one of the things I wasn't telling you.

[He looks back up.]

Did other friends...did other people come by, while I was gone?

[Please tell him Ryou wasn't here alone, not going out, not sleeping, just being miserable as though he could never be anything else in the absence of Atem.]

[It's terribly lonely already, not having Atem touching him. But instead of closing the distance, Ryou instead pulls a loop of his snake body forward. First one section, then another overlapping it, until he has a snake shelf to lean on, so to speak. He can't make himself look less lonely though, or less pained.]

Some checked on me, because they heard us...others I invited over. I was...haha, I was a mess the first day or two.

[He doesn't look at Atem when he says the next part.]

But I thought it would just be...a day or two. I suppose that's my fault, for thinking that we could fix everything in such a short time. You had no reason to trust me as a nephilim.

...I like being close to you, Atem. You're the person I can trust most in this place. If you think that's wrong, then...we should talk about it now.

[Clear the air.

He isn't giving Atem appeasement behaviors now, not when he has had time to acknowledge, through talking things out with people, that he isn't the only party here who had made missteps.

They need to figure this out, or...

Or...Ryou isn't sure what.]

That's good...I'm glad other people came to see you.

[Atem takes a seat on one side of the couch. His body feels heavy, his stomach too-sweet; this is an uncomfortable conversation they're about to have, and Atem doesn't know where it will end.

He just knows that things can't go on the way they have, or...he'll be unhappy.]

I know you trust me.

I think it's wrong...how much you trust me. More than you trust yourself.

That's at least partially my fault...in January, and in March, you were hurting, and I didn't know another way to help you. I was afraid, too...afraid I'd lose you to a despair event, afraid my actions had led you there. So, I took control, to help us both feel better...

...and, I haven't been able to figure out how to give it back.

[He looks up at Ryou, picking his face up off a corner of the living-room rug.]

I've been trying. And, the way I've been trying has been to support you no matter what you do -- even if I don't think it's a good idea, I don't tell you. I can't! Because if I do, and you decide I know better, then...that's still me making your decisions for you.

I wanted to talk about it, but what I did counted as lying, to you...and as a nephilim, the idea clearly made you angry. But I also didn't want to stay here for two weeks, not really talking to you, hoping I wouldn't stumble on something else your nephilim-mind couldn't stand. I needed -- I wanted to be away.

I'm sorry. I know it was hard. But staying would have been two weeks of hiding my feelings from you...and hoping that didn't count as lying, too.

I would have been unhappy.

[Ryou adjusts, so that he's still facing Atem. His chin rests on his crossed arms, and as he listens, his tongue flicks out a few times. He still hasn't gotten the hang of stopping that from happening, but it helps him with learning a bit about his world now that he's a naga. Such as learning that Atem tasted very much like chocolate in his mouth, even though Ryou was just smelling the air.

At any rate, it's an involuntary reaction showing that he's listening, and interested in what Atem has to say.

...Unfortunately, being interested and enjoying are two different things. The small snakes framing either side of his face backpedal, hiding back in his actual hair.

Someone doesn't want to really be perceived right now. His snakes are lucky they can get away with it.]

I...want to talk about that. It's important to me that we talk about the whole...staying out thing. Which is okay, you don't owe me anything more than what you want to b-but I...I don't...

[His slitted eyes shift nervously, and his tongue flicks out again. This time it's nerves.]

I-if you can't trust me with my own reactions, when I've always trusted you with yours, and tried my best to support you, then--then how can you trust me as a shade either? I can't be sorry enough for what I did, never. But...if our trust ends based on a temporary change, then it's not...good, right?

I admit...ever since October, I may have overcompensated, to make you feel safe too. I wanted to, since you're always doing things for me! So, in my own way, I might have...given you too much free reign.

It's much easier to trust someone who is more confident, and to do what they think is right. At least, that's how I feel. You've always known what you were doing, or adapted quickly to the stakes. Maybe it doesn't seem like it, but to me, it is a skill. You're already one of Her priests, and you're nearly unkillable! Why wouldn't I trust you?

[Ryou pauses, his coils shifting restlessly.]

...What made you feel that you can't tell me I have a bad idea? Is it just because I trust you more than me...?

[He needs to know where he's screwed up, so he can fix it. If it can be fixed...]

[Atem breathes. Take a breath; let it out. Stay cool, calm. Think. Listen.

Ryou's asking him a lot of questions here at once. He's not sure he can address them all...but, they'll loop back around to the important ones, right?

His snout's turning back to undead flesh. Slowly, like the shift in paint's color as it goes from wet to dry, chocolate becomes fur.]

...wait, October?

[That's unexpected...Atem thought it was January that was the problem. He shakes his head. One thing at a time.]

Ryou...it feels sometimes like you're not willing to say no to me. That, if I asked you for anything, you'd say yes...and, there was a time that was comforting! When I was hurting, and alone, and I needed someone who'd be with me, no matter what. In January...I needed that. [When it felt like no one else cared what had happened to them, and it had hurt...Ryou's closeness had eased the loneliness, the pain of his friends turning away.] But now I'm realizing that if I can't trust you to say no...then, I can't ask you for anything. It's just another kind of control over you! What if you say yes to something you don't want, and you resent me for it? What if you decide that your judgment isn't as good as mine anyway, that you should just listen to me instead of yourself, and I've completely destroyed your confidence?

[He shakes his head.]

But I'm trying to support you, too. In your plans, in your ideas...whatever you want to do, I won't try to stop you. Even if it goes wrong, I thought, I'd be there to make sure you didn't fall too hard. It just...feels like I'm keeping things from you. I can't be my whole self around you this way. I don't like that feeling...it feels dishonest!

[Eyes find Ryou.]

But, you wanted to talk about me staying out...? I want to talk about October, and what happened that made you put me first.

[Just, a list, of things they need to talk about.]

H...h-haha. H-hahahaha. You thought that--I...

[Ryou shakes his head softly, then covers his face with a semi-scaled hand. It's not that Atem's got it entirely wrong, is it? Ryou is the kind of guy who prefers to take the path of least resistance, and he's also the kind of guy who doubts himself.

It's only natural that Atem would catch on to it, in some manner.]

You're right...aren't you? You're always right, Atem. except when you're not.

[He doesn't say it unkindly, but there's a hint of exasperation in his voice. He'll get to it...after all, Atem wanted to know about October, right?]

You're right about me doubting myself all the time, but...I can't take full responsibility for it, for two reasons, and they may not be the reasons you're expecting. And you can be angry at me for that, or think that it's wrong to feel that way, but something I've learned while I was alone in this apartment for a while, in between visits, where all I could think to do was eat cake or brownies or cookies, whatever I decided to make until I didn't feel so great later...is that I can't do everything to your standards.

[He gazes at Atem while saying all this, but breaks eye contact afterwards, just in case that he's that kind of naga. It probably makes him look uncertain, but he's just being thoughtful and trying not to petrify Atem. Ryou, however, has never felt quite so certain of something in his life.]

I tried though.

Around October, you were very upset and not yourself, because you thought that what Tage and her cultists were going to do would ultimately lead to mass sacrifice. I don't know if you remember, but to me, you looked so scared, so unsure, that it...it made me want to protect you and give you some security back. Plus, we argued around then too, didn't we?

[He smiles, but it's not a fond one. It looks painful to remember.]

We argued, because you didn't think I was approaching rehydrating myself right, and you were insistent about it. And when I got upset and told you to leave my body alone next time, because it had been so painful to regrow my head without my skin's elasticity...you saw fit to remind me, however unintentionally inflammatory it was, that you've revived in the sea, far away from your death site.

...It's my fault, you know? If I'd just kept telling you why what you did hurt me, or explained myself better, maybe then we would have been better off. But I figured I was just upset because I was dehydrated and aching, and you didn't need that. Not when you'd tried to make my revival painless. Not succeeding didn't mean that you deserved to be yelled at.

So I dropped it. I apologized to you for yelling, and I accepted that your advice was far better than anything I could have done for myself, because you were quite insistent about the clinic. And then, in November, you went against my wishes to fight AM, and you killed yourself which was quite upsetting! But...you didn't think so. To you, it was the best move. And I accepted that too. I contented myself with the fact that you had come back to me after that, and I came to the conclusion...that the only way I could help you was by being supportive, because if I'm not, then I'm manipulating you, like I did by telling you that you shouldn't fight AM on my behalf and hoping that would be enough.

[Ryou explains this all without a single uncertain stammer. He's been alone for two weeks, over 300 hours, with no sleep. Suffice it to say, he's had time to think about this. Both a curse and a boon, being a nephilim.]

I'm glad you want to support me...but there were times where I didn't feel supported, and I left it alone because I want you to be your whole self, Atem. When you're not confident, you frighten me, because I'm afraid you might go somewhere I can't pull you from, and that I might lose you. I know now that's not true, and that it was unfair to you in a way. But I...I never meant to let myself do this kind of thing to you either. To make you my keeper, instead of my boyfriend. I'm so, so sorry for it, I truly am...because when things kept happening, that's what I needed, because I was...I was responsible for my own death just as much as he was, but I didn't want to keep my faith. I just wanted to do whatever you thought right, except attack him.

[After saying that, after realizing how much it hurt to say it, Ryou drops his head into his crossed arms, and doesn't look up for a while. His coils shift, curling tighter under him, and he feels as if he might be ill.

Atem has every right to walk out that door again. And he might.]

Edited 2022-08-06 16:07 (UTC)

[Atem sits, and listens. He doesn't interrupt. He needs to know what's going on in Ryou's mind -- I can't do everything to your standards -- of course Ryou can't, Atem's not expecting it, why is Ryou expecting that...?

And he gets his answer. Because Atem had made a call, regarding dealing with Ryou's dead body, that had been wrong. Always right, except when he's not. His ears press flat...he'd been very wrapped up in his own feelings at the time, after a week of holding a vigil over his boyfriend's headless body, and he hadn't thought of how what he was saying would have hurt Ryou...he sees, now, that it did. That he'd shaken Ryou's confidence without meaning to...that's his fault. Has it really been informing how Ryou acts, all this time? He'd had no idea...

Atem had made the mistake, there.

And, the rest...he takes a quiet few seconds to parse it, to make sense of it in his head. Atem had gone against Ryou's wishes to fight AM -- twice. The first time was under nephilim-influence, and the second was that fiery musical event. In both cases, he wasn't in his right mind...but, it does bring up one of Atem's sore points, which is how miserable he's been when he's felt restricted from fighting back. Ryou didn't mean to become someone Atem had to take care of, but he did...and, somehow, there were still times when he didn't feel supported, even when Atem was willing to throw his friendships and good name and principles in the fire to get himself and Ryou (and Maya, and Mukuro, and the Ring-Spirit) the power to protect themselves.

It's a mess.]

...I'm sorry, for how I acted when you came back, in October.

[It's a sincere apology. Real. No qualifiers.]

I didn't treat you with the understanding you deserved, when you came back so painfully. It was the first time we'd fought, and the mistake was mine...I didn't know how to handle making the wrong call, then, especially when it had hurt the person I cared about most in the world. I'd hurt you, and that was hard to accept -- that I'd hurt you, in a way I could have avoided. I wanted to undo the damage I had done, which was why I was so insistent on the clinic...it was because of how I felt, not because you were doing anything wrong.

[His own eyes, solid-red, gaze at one of Ryou's lower coils.]

I hope I'm better at facing my own mistakes, now. Now that I've made a lot more. But you deserved that apology a long time ago...another way I didn't realize I'd hurt you.

[For Atem, at least, scales in his mind start to tip towards something more even. That apology was owed; it's been given. He's acknowledged that Ryou was hurt by it, and that he understands, and that he'll do his best not to make the mistake again.]

I don't want you to do everything to my standards. Maybe I didn't understand that, last October, because I wanted to help you through Ryslig in the way I thought would spare you the most pain. Because I don't want you to go somewhere I can't pull you back from. Both our luck here is bad...you and I attract trouble. I didn't realize that, in trying to keep you, I was stifling you, and making you think you weren't up to my standards, because you weren't making the choices I would have...not until the damage was done.

[But they have another problem to work through, don't they...?]

Before I go on, I want you to know that you were not responsible for your own death, when you tried to protect me. You didn't ask to die. It was his actions that caused it, not yours, and you were brave to fight him for me.

But...Ryou, [he says, looking up, and there's pain in his expression.] I tried not fighting him because you asked me not to, and it's been like swallowing poison. I would have listened to you, because I didn't listen to you about AM and it made you feel betrayed and hurt, and because you deserved to have your wishes respected. Attacking him would have come with its own consequences, and there's no way to say, now, if they'd have been worse than this, but...I've had to live every day feeling like the kind of person who does nothing when his boyfriend is hurt and killed -- and who won't avenge himself, either. I did everything I could think of to find a way to live with it -- getting power for me, power for you, so that you could be less frightened, ensuring it wouldn't, couldn't happen again -- but it wasn't enough. I can't let go of the hate I feel! There will always be a part of me that's angry on my behalf, and your behalf.

[And for the Ring-Spirit, but Atem doesn't know if Ryou know that the Ring-Spirit struck out for them. Ryou might catch that there's something Atem's not saying -- a name he's not including out loud, but is in his heart -- but he moves on, not dwelling on it.]

I don't know how to solve it. I know you wanted to shield me from his retribution, but...it seems like that's not a way I can live.

[He'd tried. He tried for six months. And it's been the worst six months he's ever experienced.

Red eyes, surrounded by fur, now, instead of candy, look up.]

What are we going to do about this...? You want to protect me, and you want to be able to leave your safety to someone else...and I want to respect your wishes and let you act however you see fit, but sometimes, doing that makes me feel like I can't be my whole self without taking something away from you. I want to protect you, too...I want to show you you're someone worth avenging, as much as I am. But if I get hurt doing that, it makes you feel guilty, like you should have stopped me.

[He's not walking out the door. He's laying out the problem. Atem doesn't have a solution yet for this tangled mess of needs and desires -- but the first step is to identify the threads.]

["What are we going to do about this...?"

It's a very good question. They've lain themselves bare to each other, shown faults, and Ryou does have fault, he wants to keep baring them to Atem to prove that he knows, he knows what he's done wrong and that Atem really doesn't have to be the only one who feels sorry.

But...he's trying to express himself better, and not immediately resort to self-deprecation. That kind of behavior...he'd seen how it had exasperated his friends, below their caring. He was a difficult one to assist, and he needs to be less of a burden.

Not the burden he thinks he is. The one he actually is. So...he draws in a breath that seems to swell his whole body

(weird uncomfortable long snake lungs why)

and steels himself to respond.]

...I want you to know...I spoke to the Ring-Spirit and he admitted to me a bit of what happened when...when he went after that man.

It was proof to me that we will constantly struggle to sate the need for our own retribution. I know it must sound hollow, coming from me, but...every time I'm a shade, it's as terrible as being a nephilim. The only reason that I have any impulse control is because I've been a shade for longer than anything else. So I know what it's like to have something wrong and not be able to fix it.

I want to hurt him too. Even without being a shade right now, I wish I could reach into his still living chest and pull his heart out for you. Or set him on fire, like he did to me.

...I want you to be your whole self. So I won't stop you.

[Ryou finally starts to uncoil himself, the furthest section of his body sliding along the floor. Massive belly scales slide across the carpet silently as he makes his way towards where Atem is sitting. One forearm is used to support him upright, while the other clawed hand reaches out and tentatively caresses Atem's furred cheek.]

You don't need to prove to me that you'd avenge me. I know you would. But if you want to do more, to satisfy that need inside...then I support it. I'll help you wherever I can. Because I know what that feels like now.

[If Atem doubts his resolve or sincerity, then all he has to do is look at the little snakes at either side of Ryou's face, which are no longer hiding, and instead look alert. Determined, if a pair of snakes sharing half a braincell could look so.]

And...as for the rest...we've both hurt each other. We've both made mistakes. I forgive you for any missteps you took with me, intended or otherwise, because at the end of the day, you're the one most precious to me. I don't want this to be the end of our understanding one another. So I hope...you can forgive me for putting too much on your shoulders, and for not telling you why. I wanted to be your path of least resistance, not your dead weight, and I'm afraid I've done a lot of harm.

[He glances down for a moment, looking ashamed.]

It's unfair to you, to think that because you don't have the same reaction to death, that you couldn't understand or sympathize with me. You're not cruel or ignorant.

[Now that they're both transitioned from their candy forms, Ryou's thoughts aren't so impure as he looks Atem in the eye and strokes his cheek fondly. He still has things to touch on. But this...it should be a good start for them, or so he hopes.]

[Atem doesn't look surprised, when Ryou talks about the Ring-Spirit, and what happened when he went after that man. He just nods -- we both know.

Inside of Atem, there's a bloodthirsty beast that cries out for revenge, that, for the last six months, has been starved. It purrs, when Ryou talks about wanting to hurt him too, reaching into his chest and pulling his heart out, burning him. They both understand. Ryou's clawed hand brushes over Atem's cheek, and he meets Ryou's eyes, when Ryou says, I want you to be your whole self. I won't stop you.

Maybe one day, who Atem is won't be someone who needs to keep a ledger of harms suffered to harms done. If he becomes a person like that, he'll be that whole self. But Atem's found that he can't force himself into that shape. Not yet. Not because someone else asked him to. He's too angry, too proud, too surrounded by pain -- he'll continue to worm his way into understanding Aunamee, continue to keep an eye on AM and Black Hat, and, as for the other...]

Regarding the man who hurt us...we've waited this long. Now may not be our best chance... [There was a familiar anonymous username, and a familiar name in the graveyard. Two and two makes four.] But if you see an opportunity, one I don't have...then, you should strike, if that's what you want. Remember, you and I have the power to transfer wounds...any harm done to you, you can give back.

[He looks Ryou in the eye, runs a hand over his jaw, down the side of his neck.]

You're strong enough. You can do anything. No one will scar you again unless you permit it.

[Atem leans forward, and brushes his cheek over Ryou's. He can't leave a kiss there, but this is the next best thing.]

As long as I know I don't have to find a way to let it go....I can live with it a while longer.

[But they do need to talk about the rest. They've hurt each other, and made mistakes -- Atem had warned him, hadn't he? When they first started dating. He'd told Ryou he didn't know how to do this, how to be in a relationship, and that he'd make mistakes. Well, he had...and now, they're knitting the torn skin and broken bones back together.]

I forgive you. Of course I do -- it was hard, then, and we felt alone! That attack...it didn't just take your life, and my heart. It took your self-confidence, and it took my home -- my sense of safety, among the friends I'd made, and my confidence that they'd help me if I needed it. We needed each other, then, just to be able to keep going.

But...

[He takes a breath in, then lets it out.]

You're going to need to be able to lean on people besides me, Ryou. I can't be everything to you. I make mistakes -- I say the wrong thing, sometimes, and my feelings get the better of me. I assume things are true, then find out later that they aren't...and, I need to be able to trust that if I left, you wouldn't go back to staying somewhere not fit to live in, without anyone you were close to. You need to be able to take care of yourself -- not by pretending you don't have any needs, and ignoring them until you can't take it anymore, but by knowing what they are, and trying to meet them, instead of leaving it to me. You need a place to live with things you like, and food you like to eat, and projects to work on with your hands -- and to talk to people you trust about the way you feel. Maybe there's others that I don't know about! It's possible for me to miss things. But you do need those, at the very least, and if you don't get them yourself, then I feel like I have to get them for you, and if you lost me, you'd lose everything.

So...can you work on meeting those needs, with people who aren't me?

[Ryou leans into Atem's touch, exhaling softly. He's missed this so much, and...while circumstances could be better, he allows himself this kind of selfish thing. After all, Atem had told him he ought to be just a bit more selfish. This isn't so bad, not after so many days, right?

Thus, the cheek rub is reciprocated, however briefly, before Ryou nods.]

You're right...you, Crash, Altair, Nanami...you're all right. I'm strong enough now. I can stop anything else from harming me, if I try.

...I thought I was enough, before I decided to go with the Fog. That's where I made a mistake, but...I've taken steps. I'm going to try not to be scared anymore.

[He doesn't say "I will not be scared anymore." That's a lie, and nephilim, naga, shade, or whatever, he can't bring himself to lie about his shortcomings. But, when Atem lays it all out, Ryou quietly takes his words in, considers what he's asking.

On the whole...it's not much. He's asking Ryou to function as a person, without him. Just in case that...he leaves.

Ryou finds the prospect terrifying. Atem leaving, either because they're no longer compatible, or because Atem's been pulled back to the Sea of Stars.]

I...I need time to straighten myself out. I know you can't be everything for me. That's right, you...you can't hold all of me up. I have friends, and they're important too. I've ignored them more than I should, in my wish to be comfortable. I leaned on you, because you're so, so important to me that I--

[Without much warning, Ryou shifts his upper body forward, and presses his face against Atem's shoulder. Somehow, he swears he can still smell chocolate in the bristly fur.]

--I missed you. I missed you, Atem, I really, really missed you. Please, don't mistake that for me lying to you, but...I-I still want to be close. I don't need you to carry me, just don't leave me for a little while, let me work this out.

I'm like you, I make mistakes too. All I ask is that you give me a chance to make it right, to show you. I can, I can! I could have--as a nephilim--but I understand you needed to go, you couldn't trust me. Because I didn't inspire faith...I will though. S-somehow.

[He's rambling, as he's wont to do when he's anxious, but Ryou means it when he says he'll make this better. He won't make Atem carry the burden of a person who doesn't want to take care of themselves, who would rather submit wholeheartedly to their lover and never have a single individual thought in his mind.

Ryou doesn't pull away immediately, and instead tilts his head, laying flat against Atem's shoulder and trying to smooth out his nerves. He'll move, if he's told to. But he wants to be here, to feel and smell and take in his boyfriend who he'd missed so terribly.

...There's an odd, hard pressure as his new piercing is pressed against fur and skin. It's slight...but noticeable.]

[That terror of Atem going away...that's what they need to work on. Sadness, sure, missing him, grief, all of that's fine and normal to feel. But fear...fear means Ryou still stands to lose too much if Atem leaves his life.

As much as Atem feels warm, and comforted, knowing there's someone who desperately doesn't want him to go, who'd stand between him and a door destined to open for him and take him to what comes after, instead of sending him through it...he can't indulge those feelings. Not until Ryou's feet are on firmer ground -- not until that fear is because if Atem left, he'd be lost.

He lets Ryou embrace him, and runs a hand -- clawed, leathery, monstrous -- over the back of Ryou's head, through his hair.]

We have good friends.

If Mukuro's right...part of why they didn't help us was that they didn't know. Personally, it seems hard to believe, but...it may have been one of Ryslig's cruel coincidences, keeping them from finding out how bad it was. They didn't see the newspapers...they didn't see that I was hurt, or know you were killed. Or, they assumed we were planning to manage it on our own...and they didn't want to act against whatever we were planning. They misunderstood...I wasn't avoiding the subject because I had it handled. I was avoiding it because it was too painful to discuss.

But...now they know. The ones who are still here...they know we need help, sometimes. I'm going to lean on them, too, and not just you...I trust more people than just you to be there for me if I ask them.

And if we want help, we'll have to ask. We're playing with a handicap -- Ryslig will isolate us, if it can. We can't let it.

[....hey, what's that weird nub on the side of Ryou's head? Is that a naga thing...?]

[Ryou nods absently, his snake body surreptitiously moving forward a little and spilling forward. A bit of it gently settles over Atem's toes as the instinct to wrap and hold makes his body move. He can't though. He won't.

He just wants to be closer...that's all.]

I spoke with Horatio about it once...I didn't understand it then, but I think I get why he did nothing, now.

[Because of what the manticore meant to him. He, like Ryou, was willing to try and stay out of something that wasn't his business, especially if it was someone he'd forged a bond with, somehow. It still stung, but he'd done more than enough to make sure that the both Atem and Ryou felt supported. Ryou can't be angry at him anymore.]

I can depend on him. And on the rest of my friends, like Mukuro...Nanami, Altair...and Beat too. He helped me a lot, while you were gone. I wish I could have done more for him, than just make that cake and give him a small gift...

...It's been so long, Atem.

[It might almost seem like a backslide, like he's fixating on Atem again, because he looks up and he looks so melancholy. One clawed hand comes up, pushing his hair back because the snake on that side is reaching out for Atem, to try and inspect his cheek. Not the time, little guy.]

So long...since I could feel safe around other people. I went to the mall, I went to Beat's party, I had people over...

[He trails off, and although he doesn't smile, his expression slowly falls back into something more neutral and less distressed. Plus, with his hair pushed back, Atem will be able to see what the weird nub really was.

Not the intention, but. You know. Surprise. Free subject change, if he chooses to take it.]

...You know though, you can still lean on me, when you need to. I want to be there for you, even if we have friends who can help too. You're most important to me, after all.

[Horatio...

...Atem can't be angry, either. It had been a mistake, Atem feels, for Horatio to say nothing about the impending attack -- but Horatio hasn't made any mistakes in how he's handled Atem and Ryou in the aftermath. He's been one of their friends they could count on most, and Atem loves him like a brother.

He's long been forgiven.

There is a moment of alarm, tamped down before it makes it to Atem's face, when Ryou sounds like he's about to backslide -- but, Ryou finishes, and the subtle lines of Atem's shoulders and wings relax.]

I can be the most important piece of your puzzle without being the only one. And, if I'm taken out...if there are enough other, strong ones, then it'll hold together, even without me. That's a kind of strength I want, for you. It's what I want for myself, too...since you're also my most treasured person.

[...

...

...

He notices the change. An eyebrow goes up!]

...did you pierce your ears...?

[Sometimes, Ryou finds that the game metaphors can get a little tiring. Yeah, he makes them too, but look at who he lives with. Other times, like now...the game metaphors make him feel better. Atem has a way of putting things that really just works.

All of their friends...they are close-knit like a puzzle, aren't they? It's nice. He wants to stay like that forever, while still being able to consider Atem the most precious.

...Then Atem notices his piercing. Ryou hadn't really thought about how he'd exposed it, so he suddenly drops his hand and averts his gaze before laughing awkwardly.]

H-hahaha...y-yes. I wanted something different, so I went to look at that place in the mall that does this kind of thing. Beat found me...told me that place was no good, and we went somewhere else to get it done.

[...Listen, he was having a crisis here, changing things up helped him.]

Does it look okay?

[Asks the dumbass who just let it get covered back up.]

[His head leans forward, and his bat-snout sticks itself into Ryou's hair, snuffling at Ryou's ear.

He can't help it.

The little skulls are cute.

He wants to stick his face in it.]

It looks great! You picked it yourself...?

[Still nuzzling.]

[Ryou tilts his head to the side and chuckles a little. He doesn't mind the nuzzling at all, even when it musses his hair. The snake on the correct side excitedly flicks its tongue at Atem, then pushes up against his jaw. Yay! Good!

It's nice. It's very nice...to the point he almost forgets to answer Atem, but he catches himself.]

Mm, yeah. I picked it...I know, it's exactly what you'd expect from me, right? Skulls...

But maybe I can do something else eventually. Nothing major...not like Beat's tongue piercing. That looks like it hurt.

[And Ryou's not fond of excessive pain, so...]

If you want to do it, you should do it.

[snuff snuff! smells like boyfriend. also candy....but also boyfriend.]

It's your body...so, decorate it however you like!

Personally, I think this has made your ears look even cuter...but really, you don't have to worry about my opinion being unfavorable. You shouldn't even think about it!

[He pulls back, looks Ryou in the eyes. The main eyes, not the snakes' eyes.]

Because...as long as you're true to yourself, every change you make to your appearance will only make you look more like you. I like who you are...so, I'll like what you do!

[It's very kind of Atem to offer him support like this. It makes him feel warm and happy but...there is something about it that he feels he has to clarify...juts so it doesn't get too weird.

When Atem pulls back, Ryou takes the opportunity to settle himself more comfortably on his lap, arms crossed across his bat legs, looking up at him with no small amount of fondness.]

I'm glad that you feel that way, but...you know, sometimes I might still want your personal opinion. There's a good time and a bad time for it, but if I ask....you can feel comfortable knowing I value your words, I hope.

Such as...if I were to ask you what kind of piercing you'd like to see on me. I wouldn't be asking because I wanted you to tell me what to do, but because I like it when we agree.

[He pauses, then sighs, his head bowing forward and his snakes hiding back in his hair.]

It sounds bad...doesn't it? No matter what way I say it...I just don't want you to treat me as if all my decisions are perfect. They aren't, clearly.

[Atem tilts his head. There's a point in there, about Atem not pretending all of Ryou's decisions are perfect.]

It's different, when it's your body...it doesn't feel right, to tell you what I'd like to see on it, without you suggesting it first. I want you to look at any piercings you get and think about how you chose them because you like how you look with them -- not think about me, and what you'd do for me. And I want to see your ideas.

...

But, as long as you know it's just my opinion, and not the determining factor in whether you should or shouldn't do it...I can tell you whether I'd like one of your ideas or not. After all, just because I like something doesn't mean it's what would look best to everyone! If it makes you feel confident, then that confidence will make it look good -- no matter what it is.

[Ryou listens, and as he does, his head slowly raises back up. He looks at Atem with that same immeasurable fondness as before and he wishes so very much that the fog was done with, so that he could kiss his boyfriend properly.

Maybe it's not a proper move, but Ryou kisses his snout anyway.]

I'm glad you came back. I'm glad we can talk like this again. I never realized how much of myself I gave up to you...and I don't want to be too selfish, but...you're right. I ought to make that kind of decision on my own.

...Maybe I'll get a navel piercing. O-or one higher up on the ear.

[He adds the last part so that what he said prior doesn't feel so heavy. He's tired of things feeling so heavy...they already took time away from each other and that had been hard for Ryou.

Why not talk about piercings?

Though...there probably is something else he should bring up soon. Something important that Atem should know about.]

[Why not talk about piercings? They've made up, and they're not out of the woods yet, but they're both going to try to do better, so...what else is there to talk about?

(Ha, ha.)]

I like the idea of both of those.

[He returns the smooch with a press of his nose and a small lick to the side of Ryou's face.]

[The snakes adore the attention. They are coming back out and demanding more, because Ryou really, really wants all the attention too!

The difference is, he doesn't share a single braincell with the snair, so he can make it conversational while they rub all over Atem's jaw. If they seem bothersome, he'll sweep them back, but for now they're given free rein.]

You know, back home...I'd never have done this kind of thing. I was more straight-laced. But I wonder if the girls would have eased back if I had something visible, like a nose piercing. Then again...I'm sure that it would have been a problem at school.

[Why give Karita something else to possibly pull at? Not that he thinks the guy would, he'd given Ryou a fairly wide berth after his, uh. Out-of-body experience.]

Maybe a piece of obnoxious jewelry I didn't hide under my shirt would have done it, h-hahaha...ha...

[Jewelry.

Hm...is this really the time? SHould he just...clear the air on this now? They were talking about opinions and such, and Atem had already said that he will try trusting Ryou within reason.

(is this within reason? no)

Still, it makes him nervous. The snakes suddenly nip at each other, fighting as if to lay blame on each other for ruining the mood. Hey. HEEEEY! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!]

So...speaking of jewelry. Um. I have to tell you something...about those days I was away from home. It wasn't the right time then, since we were arguing and then we split up, but...it's important.

[....Atem pauses, drawing back.

Up until Ryou's laughter grows awkward and starts to fade, he's been content to let the snakes do as they like, sweet little buddies, good friends -- but, he senses something's uncomfortable right away.

So, he draws back, and he looks at Ryou, his eyes searching. Jewelry. Is this what he thinks it is, or something else...?]

...go on. I'm listening!

[Ryou holds Atem's gaze for a moment, but averts it soon after. He doesn't want Atem to think he was hiding it--he wasn't! But they truly had argued before it could even come up.

So...better now than any other time, right?

Ryou swats at his snakes gently, wincing at the weird sensation that he gets from doing so--after all, they're part of him--and then finally admits what he'd done.]

While I was away from home, I...well, when I didn't need to be indoors, I spent time searching for the artifact I've been researching. And...uh, I found it.

...I have it here, but I haven't used it. I haven't even tested it, because I was afraid it might cause harm to me, since I was a nephilim, and I believe it may have been made with shades in mind. It didn't seem to be worth the gamble in that form, at least that's...what I thought.

Edited (tense fail lol) 2022-08-12 04:33 (UTC)

Can't believe it's RYOU who has to say hold on

PROUD OF HIM

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having this conversation with chocolate batface

is this not the best time to have a serious conversation? whaaaat?

BAT FACE

cw; suicide

cw discussions of murder/suicide

cw; descriptions of intended harm, immolation

cw.....intentions of harm

cw; codependent behaviors, but he's trying!

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