knifemonopoly | IC inbox

[Ryou's in pain and very wor out himself, but even he can tell that Atem's response is...just a bit more reserved than usual. The concern was there, though, so it's not as if Atem is completely out of character. Because he is nearly perpetually worried about people other than himself...Ryou can spare some of his concern towards his friend, despite his current state of injury.

He slowly reaches his hand up, placing it over Atem's before looking at him more directly.]

Thank you...and I'll try to sleep later, but...I think you should try too.

We can't keep going like this...

[Specifically you can't keep going like this, Atem. Ryou had noticed his exhaustion before this point and that wasn't good. ~~It wasn't important that Ryou wasn't sleeping, it was important that Atem wasn't~~]

[Oh, oof. Called out. Atem's eyes close, and the ghost of the wry, I've been caught! expression he gets sometimes crosses his face. It's not there in full force, because usually, it comes with humor; this time, any lightness to it is fleeting.]

Ah...I know I should, but...

[Any remaining lightness gets swallowed up by what he says next.]

...it's the nightmares. We're all having them, but that doesn't make it any easier...

[Atem hates them so much. He hates living through cutting up himself, cutting up his friends, and throwing them all into the sea, again and again and again. It happens every time, and every time, the him in the dream is willing to do it, willing to give them to the Fog, and he wakes up sick in his heart from the remembered feeling of it, having to shake off the too-vivid sense of his friends' hot wet blood all up his arms.]

I understand. I do. I'm...not going to tell you that you shouldn't worry, because it isn't real. Doesn't matter if it isn't real...when it feels real to you. Nightmares are sometimes...very effective at reminding you how very weak you are.

[His fingers close tightly around Atem's now, squeezing. He wants to be comforting, because even before all of this, he'd been struggling with his own nightmares.]

I wish I could help...like you've helped me. Back when I was stuck as the dragon-creature, I slept because you were there. Even though I woke up, having you close comforted me enough that I could rest. But I'm smaller than you now. I can't make you feel safe.

[The earnestness of his words flows out more easily--he doesn't care if Atem knows how much he cares about him right now. He's too tired, too hurt, and a little too medicated to filter himself better. Fuck it.

He tries to shift closer, but winces and settles down pretty soon after. Nope. This is all he can do...]

[He turns his hand over, and...they're just holding hands, now, on top of Ryou's shoulder, and that's fine, that's something friends can do, is hold hands while talking about how comforting it was to sleep in the same place.

Ryou tries to move closer, but it's clearly painful for him, and that's another lancing pain through Atem's heart. It shouldn't be like that, his sleep-deprived brain is sure.]

Don't move. It shouldn't hurt...to try to be near someone.

[He's so tired. And there's a whole other side of the bed over there. Staying is a bad idea, he's pretty sure...or is it actually a good idea? Normally, it would be very easy to weigh this...but Atem can't be certain there aren't factors he's forgetting. He hesitates, because he does need to sleep, but he doesn't want to be alone, alone is lonely and also cold and harder to remind himself of reality when he wakes up, to remember that what he dreamed didn't actually happen...

But aren't there reasons staying isn't a good idea? Isn't it safer -- why does he feel like it's safer to be somewhere else? Nothing makes any sense, Atem's torn, he shouldn't stay but can't bring himself to leave, and the upshot is, he's staying by Ryou's bed with his coils bunched up underneath him, dithering, swaying just slightly from exhaustion, a very dumb "I want to get into that bed but I Can't and also I care so much" expression on his face. He is, for once, at a loss.]

[Ryou can't help that he laughs. Oof, and it hurts so it's a bit strained, and his fingers grip Atem's just a little harder until he finally stops, and he can breathe properly again.

That pain does prevent him from saying what he was thinking this time. Because admitting that it did hurt to be near Atem sometimes wasn't the right thing to say. Not only would it sound negative, but it would sound way too swoony. Just because something is true doesn't mean everyone needs to know.

So instead, he does something else that's still pretty dubiously soft.]

Then stay. If you stay I won't move, and we can talk a little bit and see if you sleep. You need it. You can just lay your upper body on my [lap] bed, I promise it's...comfortable.

[Is he inviting Atem to his bed? You betcha. This is friendship, through and through. There's nothing strange about it, he just wants his friend to sleep and recover and maybe also stay here with him because he's lonely himself, and even with pain management dulling the sharpness of his injuries, he's miserable and plagued with thoughts on whether he should have succumbed to the vortex, because in death the pain would not exist anymore, and he wouldn't feel like a remnant...and he might have helped more. It's not about the self-sacrifice half as much as it is the other things though.

Point is, stay. Don't leave him.]

[Annnnd that does it. Decision gate reached, the scales have been tipped, leaving is now unthinkable.

For all of Atem's progress forward, in acting and feeling like a person does, he doesn't always think like one. It still doesn't come naturally to him to ask for things for himself, that aren't for someone else's sake, and don't have a practical, game-advantage-lending purpose. So, even though staying with Ryou would most likely benefit him...it felt so much like Atem asking for something for himself, for reasons he's not together enough to outline and separate from an underlying selfish desire he doesn't want to give away right now, that his judgment clouded up.

But now, everything's clear, and Atem gives Ryou's fingers a soft squeeze before letting them go.]

Okay.

[He slithers down to the foot of the bed, catching the footboard with his body and using the snake-belly muscles to push himself forward, careful to avoid jostling any injuries. Some of him will be hanging off the end, but that's all right. Atem makes his way up to the pillow on Ryou's other side, where there's more space, and settles in, pulling a little more of himself up after him. He doesn't want to accidentally brush against Ryou's hurt leg, but it doesn't matter if his coils hang around Ryou's other foot. It is not a human way to get into a bed at all, even if the way Atem folds his arms on the pillow, under his head, so he can lie on his stomach and look over at Ryou, looks very human.]

What would you like to talk about?

[He's determined to stay awake at least a little while longer. He knows the nightmares are coming. But the way he asks isn't angry or forceful; it's that quiet, muted tone you only really use when you're lying next to someone, getting ready to go to sleep.]

Edited 2021-08-02 16:33 (UTC)

[Ryou can feel the bed shift and creak under them as Atem maneuvers his snake body up there. He's pretty certain the bed can support a naga, right? Yeah, looks alright.

It amuses him a little, watching the legless gymnastics that Atem has to perform to slither himself into a more comfortable position. But...more than that, he's a little stricken by how quickly Atem had conceded and crawled into bed. Was he trying to make Ryou feel better with this, like he could do something? Maybe...maybe not.

What he does know is that once Atem is settled, he's a little less sad. Not alone anymore...

He brushes a hand across Atem's elbow, as if somehow that'll assuage him. This'll be okay.]

Anything. No limitations, right? We can...talk about Rota...if you found anything.

[He'd found something.]

Or we can talk about who we've seen...there's been people from home that I recognize.

[Like Marik, obviously. But also...Seto Kaiba.]

[Rota? Put a pin in that, because Atem found something, too, something pretty foreboding, but that second part also feels important...]

I know.

[Sorry, he's thinking about Marik, because he's got no idea if Ryou and Kaiba have any kind of relationship at all, so it doesn't jump out at him that the person he's in bed with and the person he's been spending a lot of time with might be a source of tension. Atem is so tired. He's run himself ragged and does not have the capacity to pick up on this particular triangle.]

If you don't want to talk about him, I understand...I want to know what happened, but if you want to start with exchanging information we found in Rota, that might be easier.

[The tiredest snakewink. He's got you buddy, don't relive trauma while you're on painkillers and everything is terrible, unless you're really sure you're up for it.

More of Atem's tail scoots up onto the bed, folding up accordion-style.]

I...um.

[Well. He didn't expect Atem to latch onto that so soon, but really Ryou shouldn't have expected different.

...Does he want to talk about Marik? That's...really a loaded question. He has to roll it around in his foggy brainspace, consider whether that's the thing he wants to do at this juncture.

As he watches more of those red and black scales glide onto the bed, smooth and pretty and dangerous...Ryou remembers something from much earlier in the month.]

I was scared of your scales...you remember, right?

[Was. Still is...kind of intimidated...but being around them for a month made it easier.

But he's too tired to be traumatized by Battle City right now. He's also busy being traumatized by the whole rift thing, so...no time like the present. All the same, there's a distant look in his eye, like he doesn't...really want to associate with this time in his life.]

I'm not sure...if Marik told you himself. But he had a hand in it. Indirectly, I think...I don't know.

I don't remember it all...

[He pauses, glances at Atem sidelong again.]

...We could talk about something else if you would prefer instead. But I can't reach what I found in Rota, and anyway, I...I don't mind talking about this for a little while.

I owe you that much after how you found us.

Edited 2021-08-03 01:10 (UTC)

[Of course he remembers. And the fact that Ryou doesn't remember everything confirms what Atem thought -- the spirit that had possessed him had to do with it, for sure. But Marik was also involved in inflicting this wound, one of the ones Atem hears about in bits and pieces. Waking up on the opposite side of an altercation with something with an appearance like his, probably a fight between Marik, and...]

Marik didn't tell me much. He's desperate to move on from what he did...but that means that what happened to you hasn't been dealt with.

[Thoughtless, to use mind control on Ryou Bakura, who's been hurt by it so much. Not malicious, not intentionally hurtful, just...not thought through. And, with tensions running high, with hunger and a lack of sleep driving everyone out of their minds, it started a fight, and escalated into...well, into a kill. Yeah, Atem would kind of like to know what happened there, and why.

He summons up all the strength he's got left and fixes his attention on Ryou.]

What did happen?

I didn't expect he would...

[Ryou doesn't think Marik's trying to move on. He thinks Marik's trying to avoid responsibility...but what does he know of it, really? It's just...Marik didn't think much of Ryou, of that he was certain.

He'd had time to think it over, and he'd come to a vague conclusion that to Marik, Ryou only represented a vessel for the Ring-Spirit. There wasn't anything else to think about.

Just a means to an end. Ryou Bakura had no value inherent.

...It kind of hurts, after how much he'd tried to help Marik. But he shouldn't be surprised.]

This is a long story...so it's okay if you fall asleep. H-ha...but anyway...

There was a card tournament...well not for you, yet. I remember it though. Battle City. It was a nexus for many skilled duelists, but the tournament also attracted Marik and his Ghouls, because of the God Cards. You and Yugi got mixed up in it...the God Cards were very important to regaining your memories, you see.

[He pauses for a moment, bringing a hand up to run a hand over his face and back across his forehead. His messy bangs eventually flop back forward as the movement lazily continues, terminating when his fingers reach his neck. He looks...uncomfortable, to put it lightly. He doesn't look at Atem when he says the next part, but he doesn't have to for Atem to notice, if he were looking, how very tired Ryou looked. No, not the sleepiness that both of them had been experiencing for a month. This was a different type of tired, one born of someone who is used to people controlling him, but not to the self-hating thoughts that chase that. Knowing you aren't all that important except for your utility.]

The other me...the spirit of the Ring...he made a deal with Marik for his Millennium Item, I think, and I was used as a way for Marik to get closer to all of you. Because...there's no better way to ingratiate yourself to someone than by "saving" their injured friend. So he brought me to Jounouchi and the others and all I could think of was that I couldn't remember how I got there or what had happened to my arm.

[Talking about this helps him ignore his physical pain, but it brings a different one in his heart. He almost wonders if it's a fair trade. Ryou also wonders if he's just...stopping Atem from resting at this point. Maybe he should stop.]

["God cards" and tombkeepers being connected tracks with what Atem knows from Noa. A Duel Monsters tournament, then, that attracted people from Egypt, connected to the Millennium Items...and his memories.

But all of that's not as immediate as Marik and the ring-spirit using Ryou as bait to get in with Atem's friends. A lower coil of Atem's body, heavy and cool, pushes over Ryou's uninjured leg, smooth reptile muscle tensing around the shin and knee, a thinner section closer to the tip curving and curling around the ankle and foot. There's a similar tension in the line of Atem's mouth as he says--]

Go on.

[Ryou doesn't expect that. He takes a moment to simply perceive the way that Atem's coils slowly slip over his leg, how the thinner part coils slightly around his ankle, and it kind of feels...strange. But not unwanted. It's like a hug, he thinks, and although Atem's snake body is a little cooler than Ryou's skin...the shade still feels warm.

But he's telling a story. He can't stop now. So he draws in a slow, shuddering breath that has him wincing because of how it stretches his upper body.]

Mmnh. This is where things become uncertain for me. Yugi's grandfather took me to the hospital, and I spent...some time there.

[Ryou Bakura and being injured go hand in hand no matter where he is.]

Then...I was at the meeting grounds for the semi-finalists of the tournament with a Duel Disk on my arm. I don't remember how I got there, but what I did know was that it was fine--it wasn't fine, though. But there was something in the back of my mind...t-telling me...

[His remaining hand clenches at the bedsheets between him and Atem, bunching them tightly as he thinks about how calm he felt. He looks down, staring hard at his own legs because this hurts. It hurts...knowing what it all was.]

...Something was telling me it was okay. This is where I'm supposed to be, don't worry about my arm. It doesn't hurt.

[He remembers how happy he looked, how happy he was for the chance to show his friends his deck, and even though he didn't know how he got all of his locator cards, it was irrelevant! It just was.

The way he speaks, the distant manner in which he slips into the present tense as he explains this to Atem now is reflexive. He's remembering being brainwashed and parroting those intrusive, calming thoughts that made it okay to be out of the hospital with blood streaming from underneath the bandages.]

...Everything I did when we got on the blimp past that, it felt like I was in a dream. My body wasn't moving without me, but I didn't feel like it was moving with me either. So I wasn't possessed by my spirit. He puts me to sleep. Marik didn't put me to sleep, he just dulled the nerves and made me happy and safe.

[Compliant.

That probably sounds familiar.]

[Oh, it sure does. Atem doesn't feel particularly sleepy anymore. Tired, yes, but there's a difference, he feels terribly awake, and the lower coil wraps all the way around Ryou's foot. He's not a constrictor, it's not tight, it won't hurt, but it's a slow, instinctive movement, a need to grip.]

Because he needed you there, willing or not, for whatever he was planning.

[He follows. He's calm. There is nothing not-calm about the way Atem's head has lifted off his arms, the even and slow way he breathes, the still tension of black underside-scales.]

Yes.

They both did. The whole gambit was to trade the Millennium Rod for the God Card in your deck. It's funny...they were following the ante rules to the letter. Everything they worked together on, and the most artful move my spirit could think of to help Marik was to stab my arm and thereby make--

[Ryou flinches, because...his next words are pretty much lacking in any self-esteem. It takes him aback that he could say it...but he's committed at this point.]

...make his vessel weaker.

[He's aware of Atem's coil wrapping securely around his foot and he might wonder about it more, but this story is hard to tell, and he's still not up to full energy. Maybe it's because of the story itself.

Nevertheless, he doesn't mind it, and it does comfort him somewhat. He feels like he can get through this, maybe.]

Anyway...my memories terminate sometime before you and I were chosen for the preliminary semi-final duel, which means the Ring-Spirit was in control. Like I said, he takes over completely, and I sleep. Maybe it was a mercy at the time.

But it wasn't a mercy when I came back to myself. When I woke up I felt as if...someone had reopened the wound in my arm.

[Which is the nicest way to put it. Actually it felt as if someone had jammed the knife back in, twisted it and broken the blade off. Later, once he'd had time to think about it, he realized that the weight of the duel disk and the repetitive movements required for playing a card game off of it were likely the culprit for opening up the wound. The Ring-Spirit was, after all, quite expressive, and he tolerated Ryou's pain far better than Ryou could ever tolerate it himself.]

There was blood...and the weight of the duel disk felt like a thousand pounds. I couldn't...I couldn't breathe because the altitude, I wasn't used to it yet. I couldn't catch my breath without it hurting, not nearly as much as my arm but it was all too much! Who would tolerate it?! I should have been in the hospital...

Th...then when I looked up, there was a creature. A monster.

[He can't help it. He finds himself following the contour of Atem's body where it terminated from human to snake, the colorations of his scales, the way the form shifted softly. He sees those red and black scales and it makes his heart beat faster whether he wants it to or not. This isn't Atem's fault, it's not...!]

That was the first time I saw an Egyptian God Card. The Saint Dragon, God of Osiris. It was just a hologram, of course. H-hah...haha. It wasn't real, but...the Gods don't feel like holograms, and they're massive...when I saw it, it was looking at me. Atem, I...saw...this massive sky serpent and its big eyes and you'd think that I would find it interesting, because it had two mouths and it was wrapped around the blimp like a python--

[Ryou's rambling now, with no discernable endpoint as of yet. It's very clear that waking up, being in pain, and not being able to catch his breath had already frightened him, but seeing Osiris staring down at him and not feeling like it was a projection...it had affected him strongly.]

They pushed me out...so you wouldn't attack me. The spirit was going to lose in his next turn so...because my soul and body were weak, Marik and the spirit put me there. Your choice was surrender or...

[He doesn't finish that sentence. He doesn't have to.]

[This is important information. There are things here that Atem will want to follow up on, eventually, like the Osiris dragon being big enough to wrap around a blimp and the God Cards being important for regaining his memories and also whether the only thing Atem stood to gain was his memories -- what were the full stakes? But that can wait.

He grabs Ryou's hand, grips it.]

Don't look down! Look up here.

[His eyes, slit-pupilled, are still red. His mouth might be blue, but it's not the dragon Ryou is looking at.]

You're not on that blimp. That's over! You lived through that, and you'll live through this! You're going to be all right. And if anyone does anything like that to you, ever again -- I'll tear out their heart myself!

[whoa atem maybe slow down there

atem

....nope he's gonna stand by that, he means it, he'll do it, even if it's a monster who stands to lose memories from the death. They'll deserve it.]

[Whatever discomforting memory Ryou's trapped in, he's broken from it when Atem takes hold of his hand and fully distracts him with his words. He does look up.

You're not on that blimp. That's over!

Ryou knows he's not there anymore. He knows he lived but it still hurts, it bothered him that Marik had decided, once again, to take advantage of him. The gravitas of Atem's words should have Ryou backpedaling, telling him there's no need for such drastic measures.

But it feels good to have someone say that to him. For them to mean it...that they would protect him.

After all this, Ryou only has one thing to say.]

I don't want to be controlled. I'm tired of being a puppet. That's why...I hurt Marik. I wanted him to feel what I felt.

[He wants to sink into the bed, rather than be halfway sat up, and simply curl himself against Atem. Hide himself away under blankets and push his face into his friend's shoulder so that it doesn't hurt anymore. Such range of motion is very much lost on him though, and he hates it.]

[k cool cause he'd kill for you

like he'd kill for many people he knows but especially Ryou]

I understand why it happened. He hurt you, and he took you over again, and didn't even think about what it might mean to you...

[It's retribution he understands. Hurt back the person who hurt you. Atem didn't arbitrate it, didn't decide to do it himself, and it had ended badly with both parties hurt, but he gets it.

The thing is, Atem doesn't think punishing Marik further, himself, will do much good. Especially since Atem wasn't there (yet) and the guy has been almost ridiculously full of a desire to help...there are plenty of cases where Atem is confident he knows the whole story and sees where the scales need to be balanced and will take over the whole case, but this isn't one of them, not at the moment.

So, he asks:]

What do you want now?

[They're gonna keep holding hands. Yes, Atem realizes there's feelings here. No, it's not the most important thing to worry about right now. Offering comfort is worth crossing over into territory he might ordinarily be more careful to avoid.]

[Ryou looks at Atem with such a tired, lost look on his face. He's not going to let the naga's hand go. Even if Atem tried, Ryou would probably fight it weakly. That's what he wants--contact.

Telling the story was a bad idea, but it needed to be told, didn't it? Now Atem knew, and that uncertain part of Ryou's heart that was telling him he had no right to exact any kind of payback on Marik was...well, not entirely assuaged, but at least validated.]

I know you were going to anyway but...stay, please. Just...for a little while.

[He tenses a little, bracing himself a bit as he shifts his lower body in an attempt to slide down onto the bed properly. It's slow going, but he manages as best he can without using his upper body and therefore causing himself too much pain. He doesn't want to tower over Atem right now just by virtue of positioning and also being a shade. He wants to be on a level area with him.]

Mm...maybe we can do a word game. Kind of...ch-change the subject...

[...Yeah, that sounds stupid. What a great distraction, Ryou. Sure.]

Then again...maybe not.

No. We can play!

[He shifts his grip on Ryou's hand so he's comfortable. They're both settling in.]

We'll play a word dis-association game. The point is to think of words that don't have anything at all to do with the one that came before!

[You want to change the subject? Have a subject-changing game.]

We'll take turns...until one of us can't think of anything, or falls asleep.

[Ryou lets out a soft groan of pain as he shifts his left leg, brushing against the bedsheets, but it's brief. He's okay. He doesn't want to worry Atem when they're both tired and stressed.]

Yeah that's...fine. I can start.

[He tries not to think too hard about what to say. That would take the fun out of the game, right? Be spontaneous...

He lets his arm rest against the bed so that Atem's hand lays over it. The less strain, the more likely he won't pull it away, right?]

Um...socks.

[Probably a silly way to begin. But there's definitely plenty of words that have no relation to socks. Ryou's vaguely aware of the fact that this is a simple game that's meant to make them keep their focus off of patterns. Maybe Atem did that on purpose, because patterns make you think. Patterns...can lead to upsetting thoughts. Neither of them need anymore of those.]

[He shoots right back--]

Coffee.

[Atem's playing on a slightly harder mode, since he's determined not to bring up words that relate to the story he's just been told, or what he witnessed on the beach, but he remembers the smell coming out of the break room at Liewen Labs, and how Kaiba had refused it for monster reasons...]

Edited 2021-08-05 01:28 (UTC)

[Coffee...sounds awesome right now--

No. No, he needs to sleep.]

Stars.

[Innocuous enough, he likes the stars. Those are patterns that he can get behind. He'd almost caught himself saying "water" though, which would have been both a bad reminder, and also way too close to coffee.]

[No celestial bodies, no weather patterns, no basic shapes...]

Pink.

[He shifts, settling a little further. The coils around Ryou's lower leg lose some of their tension, but don't unwind themselves. Atem settles his head back on his remaining, free arm.]

[Ryou feels the scales begin to shift from around his leg. He's not bothered, though there's a vague, tired thought in his mind that he hopes Atem got some warmth from that. Be warm and prosper.]

...Fan.

[He's probably not slick, but he can't help glancing at Atem, looking at his face and body language. No particular reason. He just likes Atem's face.]

WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, PLAYER1. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 10.11.0.0.01 * PLAYER1 has joined 10.11.0.0.01 <PLAYER1>** If you're looking for someone you knew as Yugi before June, you've found him! It's Atem, leave a message.

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cw dismemberment/ocean/blood nightmare description

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cw; suicidal ideation

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cw; brainwashing, possession

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